AIBU to give this wedding a miss this time?

[Kertrats]

Hi all, I've received a wedding invite to attend my cousin's wedding in Aberdeen.
She married 8 years ago there but sadly her dh (obviously now ex-dh) left for another woman.
All her ex-dh's and her family live in the South East of England but as THEY lived there at the time we all made the effort to go to the FIRST wedding (apologies for capitals but I want to be clear).
After her divorce she relocated back to the South East of England, met a new guy and now they're getting married in Aberdeen, too.
Now obviously she can get married where she likes (though I can discern no reason why she'd marry there again as her new chap's family are from Surrey) but the truth is it's going to be really expensive and arduous to go all the way up there again.
In all honesty, the very fact that she's getting married in the same location as first wedding is to me a huge red flag that the marriage is doomed. No flaming please. That's just my opinion and I could be wrong.
That's just my opinion of course but I haven't the time or money to attend something I don't even think is going to work out.
Obviously I would NOT say any of this in real life, but If you were her and her parents would you be secretly annoyed at me for not going this time (even if you said you were OK with it)?
I don't want to be disliked behind my back for this.
I understand her immediate family have to attend regardless.

Morristj · Yesterday 08:42
Don't get in a knot about this. Just send a reply saying that sadly you won't be able to go.“

this. No-one is unreasonable to decline anything they don’t want to do.

As red flags for doomed marriages go there are many I would worry about more than getting married in the same town as the first marriage, but definitely swerve it for other reasons

It’s very common/traditional for the wedding to take place where the bride grew up.

Does your cousin come from Aberdeen? Why would that be so inappropriate for her to re-marry (for any number of times) there?

If so it wld hardly come under the destination wedding label OP keeps using.
That would mean that pretty much all weddings are “destination” in one way or another!

Even if she didn’t grow up there why you think she’s meant to marry where it suits & is convenient to you is ridiculous!

Does your cousin come from Aberdeen? Why would that be so inappropriate for her to re-marry (for any number of times) there?

Because she and her STBDH both live in SE England, as do the majority of their guests, and there doesn't seem to be any connection to Aberdeen beyond it was where she was living when she married her first husband.

Yes a wedding is about the happy couple but why would you deliberately book a wedding in another country that means pretty much all of your guests have to pay hundreds of pounds and take days of holiday to attend your wedding when you all live near to each other?

It's one thing if you have people coming from many places and there's going to be at least a few people travelling regardless of where you hold the wedding but if almost everyone lives in SW England why have a wedding in NW Scotland if there is no significant link? I'm sure the OP would have mentioned if there was any significant connection to the city beyond her cousin's first marriage especially as she has clarified that even the brides mother and grandmother think it is ridiculous.

Lol at you referring to Aberdeen as a destination wedding

For the purposes of travel it is though. If you're going to make people travel 6+ hours and spend hundreds of pounds to attend then the least they could do is have it somewhere worth having a holiday.

I lived in Madrid when I got married, my family all lived in the NW of England and travel to the airport, flight and then travel from the airport to the hotel took about 6hrs. The fastest way to get from SE England to Aberdeen is about the same amount of time ... I know which city I'd rather visit for a wedding.

Jeez.

Saying her marriage won't last simply because of the wedding location she's chosen is a very strange assumption.

Perfectly reasonable to say the wedding is a really long distance and you can't afford it - all other detail you've given is totally irrelevant and rather mean.

Totally with you on this.

I had no idea people were so judgy and begrudging around second weddings

I'm glad you are not going and glad you have only mentioned time and affordability so as not to be hurtful It does not sound like you are that close anyway

If I had thought that anyone at my second wedding had thoughts like yours, I would be absolutely gutted, and not want them there

I don't want to be disliked behind my back for this.

This doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
If somebody is going to dislike you, that is what they are going to do.
If they choose to do that "behind your back", their opinion of you is worthless.

You cannot spend your life jumping through hoops - or travelling to Aberdeen for suspiciously synchronistically located weddings - just in case somebody doesn't like you for not doing what they want.

Discover that you are busy that weekend, send a lovely regretful decline, then a wedding present, & put it all out of your mind.

I had no idea people were so judgy and begrudging around second weddings

Maybe you have no idea that people just can't afford to spend another grand at another long-distance wedding.

It's entirely reasonable to wonder why the second-time-around bride chose Aberdeen again. Even the bride's mother & grandmother are finding it weird.

Kertrats, I see you HAVE declined! - well done. You've reminded me of one of my best pals, who had an ... entertainingly demanding neighbour.

She moved into his very rural hamlet & immediately set about Queen Beeing, installing ugly gabions & a very loud hot tub, & having interminable noisy outdoor weekend gatherings, which she tried to insist my pal attend. He could not move outside his front door without being hailed & an attempt to pull him into her house for a drinking session - intrusive, thick-skinned, you get the picture.

She was getting married, & insisted my pal attend that too - in a city maybe 100 miles away. Pal is made of stern stuff, & refused all advances, as she was a coercive nightmare of biblical proportions bit bossy.

The wedding fell through, as she broke up with that b/f. Woe!
The very next weekend, she had a new b/f in tow.
She barged over to my pal's gaff & insisted on introducing them.
It emerged that she was now marrying THIS b/f instead - &, get this, it was great because he was the same size as previous b/f, so would be wearing the same suit she'd ordered for previous man.
The wedding was to take place on the same time/date, at the same venue.

In other words, she was hellbent on her wedding, & the small feature of supplying a groom was NOT going to be a problem for her.

She then took to knocking at my friend's door, again to insist that he attend her wedding. He had a great excuse - it was the weekend of his 50th birthday, & he had his own large family attending his party.
Not a problem as far as this neighbour was concerned. My pal "just" needed to cancel his venue, & pay for a coach to take his family & pals to HER wedding venue instead.
He did not comply, but dined out on her batshittery for years.

I all hope this makes you feel a little better about your cousin's odd choice of venue 😁

It's only 6+ hours away for some of the guests, though. You know that people do actually live in, and get married in, Aberdeen?! 😁

I am aware, since I have family who live there, and it's a long enough journey from NW England never mind SE England.

The point is that in this case the OP has said that most of the guests, including the bride and grooms families, are from the SE of England and there is no significant connection to Aberdeen (beyond the fact the bride was living there there she married her first husband) to make it understandable for the bride and groom to decide on a wedding venue that is 6+ hours away from almost all of their guests.

I think it is very inconsiderate to have a wedding so far away from home when you know it is going to cost a large number of the guests a lot of time and money to attend.

The marriage is clearly Aberdoomed. Luckily you have kept quiet though, well done on being so tactful even when mum and granny commented. Oh except for the part when you put it all on the internet.

@KettrickenSmiled that's 😂.
Anyway leaving thread now.
I am not judging second weddings in themselves though. This is not about snobbery about second marriages.
Just the location.
Thanks for replies.
And if they lived there, fair enough - though in all honesty I still wouldn't go. And you know what I think most people understand that there's not an unlimited financial pot for weddings.
So I think that the advice to politely decline given here is the best and I've taken it.