AIBU to give this wedding a miss this time?

[Kertrats]

Hi all, I've received a wedding invite to attend my cousin's wedding in Aberdeen.
She married 8 years ago there but sadly her dh (obviously now ex-dh) left for another woman.
All her ex-dh's and her family live in the South East of England but as THEY lived there at the time we all made the effort to go to the FIRST wedding (apologies for capitals but I want to be clear).
After her divorce she relocated back to the South East of England, met a new guy and now they're getting married in Aberdeen, too.
Now obviously she can get married where she likes (though I can discern no reason why she'd marry there again as her new chap's family are from Surrey) but the truth is it's going to be really expensive and arduous to go all the way up there again.
In all honesty, the very fact that she's getting married in the same location as first wedding is to me a huge red flag that the marriage is doomed. No flaming please. That's just my opinion and I could be wrong.
That's just my opinion of course but I haven't the time or money to attend something I don't even think is going to work out.
Obviously I would NOT say any of this in real life, but If you were her and her parents would you be secretly annoyed at me for not going this time (even if you said you were OK with it)?
I don't want to be disliked behind my back for this.
I understand her immediate family have to attend regardless.

She can't. She's already been consulted on the date and location and said she was okay with it.

Oh, hang on..I think I misunderstood. Was it the bride that said she was okay with you not going? Apologies if I got it wrong.

Agreed

This is extremely outing, I hope she doesn’t read it or you’ve changed the details!

If you can't afford to go, don't go. Either come right out and say you can't afford it, or say you've got something else on that weekend.

I wouldn't be offended if a cousin couldn't/didn't come to a wedding. It's not a big deal. It's an invitation. You can decline any invitation you want. It's not an order.

Your views on her first marriage and her reason for choosing the location are completely irrelevant, to be honest. Attending would not be made magically more affordable for you if this was her first Aberdeen wedding rather than her second.

I would send her best wishes and that you're unable to attend her wedding. Is she going to be living near enough for you to meet up with her and her fiance to give them a present beforehand? At this time I think everyone understands the financial pressures we're all under.

I think the reason it's relevant that it's a second wedding is that most people accept that it's expensive and time consuming for people to attend a wedding. There's a kind of unwritten assumption that it's a once in a lifetime event.

Of course life happens and that's not always the case, but in my mind I wouldn't prioritise attendance at a second wedding as much as a first. Obviously I would go if I could though.

@rookiemere thanks.
A wedding is supposed to be a once in a lifetime thing.
I know it wasn't her fault her husband walked out, but I do think there are people who can't refuse to go: her siblings, parents, grandparents. I know the old saying about a wedding being an invite not a summons but that's not how life works.
My-or rather our-grandfather, while not badly off financially, suffers from dementia.
Our grandmother is now expected to go to what is effectively (as a previous poster pointed out) to the equivalent of another destination wedding involving staying overnight for at least two nights.
I think that's a bit thoughtless to be honest.

Christ almighty, I really thought people had stopped being so snobby and unkind about second weddings. How unpleasant.

Anyone can refuse to attend a wedding. You do not approve or have doubts and I think reasonable to politely decline, well in advance.

I think there's two separate issues here.
You can choose not to go, for whatever reason - distance, expense, you don't like the colour of their outfits. But, be polite about it, obviously.
The thing about thinking this is doomed because it's in the same place as her first wedding is a total red flag. Lots of people get remarried in the same town. If it's in the same hotel, with the same dinner, and the same frock, you might have a point.

Yes keep your mean thoughts about her wedding to yourself! You obviously don’t want to go so don’t

If you can't afford it tell her and that's the end of it.

There's no need for you to speculate that you think the marriage is "doomed", simply because she's chosen to marry again in a place that is obviously close to her heart.

I'd make a decision about whether or not to go in exactly the same as I would if it were a first wedding.

If I wanted to go, could afford to go, and the logistics weren't too difficult, I would go. If I didn't want to go, the logistics were too difficult or I couldn't afford to, I wouldn't.

For what it's worth, when I got married 30 years ago, one of my cousins didn't come because she lived a long way from I was getting married (which was where I lived), she had four young children and it was all too difficult. No one was offended.

@Kertrats I think your original post and thoughts on the wedding reads horrible, you sound, from your post, like not a very nice person imo. If I were your cousin I'd be thrilled you weren't attending because when getting married you don't want people there who are taking bets on how long the wedding will last.what are you worrying about everyone else for, letthem fight their battles and mind your own business.

Once in a lifetime was her goal when she got married the first time I'm sure. She didn't anticipate a second wedding!

Just don't go! You are only a cousin so not on the list of those who must be there such as parents, and you're presumably not close or you'd be happy for her after the trauma she's been through! Let's hope nothing shit happens to you hey.

You sound lovely

how dare she not know she’s not meant to have a big celebration the second time.

I sincerely hope you never find yourself needing a second wedding, but if you do, please remember to have the smallest non wedding wedding ever.

please not the sarcasm on the word lovely

Honestly just don't go, Tell her as soon as possible and she will be thankful to fill your space.

Sometimes a relative declining an invitation to your wedding is a gift as it saves you money or you can invite another friend.

Don't feel bad, just remember your reasoning. In a few years you may regret your decision or change your view

Go if you want to, don't go if you don't want to. Its a destination wedding, and it comes with the territory that not everyone will be able to make it. The judgement around it all is irrelevant.

I think the issue is that you’ve already unofficially accepted & said you were fine with attending.

You however don’t want to/go (cost etc). All the other stuff like it being in Aberdeen, 2nd marriage etc is irrelevant.

I think you’re canvassing opinion in the hope that people will agree with these aa reasons to justify not going.

Just let her know you had hoped to come but unfortunately no longer able due to unforeseen costs you hadn’t anticipated of your own. You wld love to see them both down the line to toast their happy union & wish them both a lovely day.

YANBU

Many people are being very quick to defend your cousin on here but I totally get your issue.

Nobody says don't have a second wedding, but if you do then don't have it in a place where it is going to cost almost every guest a significant amount of time, money and effort to attend.

Having her first wedding in NE Scotland made sense as she was loving there at the time, but the second wedding has zero connection to that area, they and most of the guests live in SE England so it is going to cost a lot of money for everyone.

ExDH and I got married in Madrid because that was where we lived, and had been living for a few years, at the time. Whether we came back to England or got married in Spain at least some people were going to have to travel so we made the decision to hold it in Spain to make it easier to organise. We both then relocated back to our home towns in NW England a few years ago after our divorce.

If my ExDH (whom I still have a good relationship with and see regularly as we coparent DD) was to get married again and decided to do so in Madrid, if his new partner had zero connection to the city I would think it very strange and would be questioning why he was dragging both of their entire families out to Spain when neither has an ongoing connection with the city beyond ExDH and I living and being married there. It would be a massive waste of money and time when there are hundreds of venues locally (we live on the edge of the lake District, you can barely move for fancy wedding venue hotels) that they could get married in that wasn't going to cost their family and friends close to a thousand pounds to attend.

@melj1213 I've politely declined. NOT mentioning the weirdness of the location.

My aunt (her mother) completely understood. She is very blunt and without any prompting from me, grumbled about going up there again being a pain in the bottom.

Our grandmother-also blunt-also said it was odd getting married there again.:'Isn't she over her first husband?'

Again, I kept quiet.

I really think it's strange and, to be honest very Prima Donna-ish.
I'm afraid having two destination weddings - unless the people you invite are both time AND money rich is selfish.
Yes, everybody deserves a second wedding but have a liitle thought I say.

Anyway, seems nobody's going to hold this against me-which was my fear-so all good.
Thread served its purpose. Thank you for replies.

One more thing: if I've worded it that it seems I agreed to go, I haven't. I can't be bothered to read through all my posts here, and it's quite possible I inadvertently did say words to that effect, so sorry to mislead.

She’s much better off without you there!