Unwanted compliments

[cds5163]

Does anyone not like being complimented or am I being unreasonable? Lately I'm just annoyed by any comments made about my appearance. A couple of weeks ago my husband's brothers visited and I had a small talk with the oldest and he goes "you still look young." Wtf, because I am. Then when they leave they tell my husband "how beautiful of a women I am." Why do people feel they need to talk about others appearance and body. I don't. It seems personal.

Then a couple months ago I had a baby and an incident stuck with me. Im not even a week postpartum. I took my baby to our pediatrician. We get along great. She's informed me that she also had a baby. Its been awhile since we seen each other. She asks if we will have any more. My husband is unsure and I'm leaning more towards a yes. Then she turns to my husband and she says something along the lines of "your lucky she looks great, some women don't bounce back." Wtf, not only am I offended for myself, I'm offended for others. There is no such thing as a bounce back. The idea that your body will go unscathed after pregnancy is ridiculous to me. Am I ungrateful for the positive comments?

Stealth boast.

Am I just reading a totally different thread from some posters?

The OP had a baby pretty recently and she's not saying 'OMG everyone thinks I am gorgeous, blush blush, how embarrassing!' She's saying she finds it weird when people tell her husband she's still young, or she's 'bounced back' from being pregnant.

There seem to be a few posters on this thread who read as far as the title and formed their opinion based on that, without actually taking on board what the substance of the post was.

@badgirlriri
@ouch321
@Eeiliethya
Boasting? where?

And this is exactly why women who're struggling postpartum often feel unable to say anything or to get help. 'Ooh you should be delighted, happiest time of your life, how dare you not be happy'.

Christ on a bike, nobody can say anything these days can they? How do you make it through a conversation?

@Paprikapommes yes the lasting affects of the patriarchy ingrained in us. @Moonface123 Miserable isnt it?

I think a 'you're looking well' from the doctor would have been ok.

But yes I think that indirect compliment to your husband was off...though struggling to explain why. All I can say is it sounds like you belong to him, and it sounds like your appearance is the most important thing...and that for all the poor women who suffer birth injuries, and struggle with weight after the birth...its their husbands that are unlucky, due to how they look and the poor men having to cope with a wife who doesn't look perfect after birth (ignoring possible health issues for the women and depression etc etc). Would have been much nicer to say something about how you were both lucky to be able to enjoy your baby due to having a straightforward recovery etc.

@SarahAndQuack

wtf is your extended breastfeeding comment about? Where did I correlate extended breastfeeding with 1 week postpartum? Please actually read my comment if you’re going to respond to it.

Can you really not see why someone who's given birth less than a week ago might not like to hear their husband being told how lucky he is she's still attractive, when she's presumably still bleeding, feeling very raw, and probably not in the least in the mood? Treated like a prize cow is right

no. I would personally be pleased to receive this compliment. But then I enjoy compliments in the main!

It won’t last.

😂😂😂😂

Agreed!

Unfortunately OP, I think the thread title alone is just going to attract repeated accusations of "stealth boast!" because the idea that a woman would be anything other than thrilled about a positive comment on her physical appearance is apparently too ludicrous a notion to entertain.

I have heard plenty of women express relief when this happens.

A lot of people posting on here are utter twats who haven’t read anything that the op has written. Instead they got their insecure little knickers in a twist and decided that op thought she was better than everyone else.

speaking personally, complements on something I've done e.g. my parenting or kids (how they're dressed how they're behaving etc.) were always welcome, even and perhaps especially from strangers; I was putting a lot of effort in and you're so tired when the kids are very small. You're doing a great job= nice, ooh it's so lovely to hear how patient you are with them = nice. Comments on clothes and accessories from women are fine /nice e.g. I like your top = fine is that a new haircut.

comments on my appearance you look pretty etc. (from a man other than significant other ) makes me uncomfortable but it's not like I respond with a sweary rant, I just don't like it.

Um ... you literally posted

Sometimes I want to compliment someone for something like when I see a woman extended breastfeeding and I want to show support. Threads like this are why I don’t.

The OP is talking about being one week postpartum. You said you would want to compliment a woman doing extended breastfeeding, but her thread makes you feel you can't. So yes, you did correlate the two!

@SarahAndQuack

I think you have misread my meaning. There is a specific person at a baby group who is extended breastfeeding and I always want to compliment her.

Oh, I see ... you posted a totally non-specific claim about feeling you couldn't compliment a breastfeeding mother because of the OP's thread, but now you're saying I've 'misread' you because you were actually talking about an entirely different, unrelated situation at baby group.

I believe you.

You bloody love the attention, don't you........

@SarahAndQuack

why on earth would my post be about OP breastfeeding? She hasn’t even said if she breastfeeds! Extending breastfeeding is beyond 2 how would it be even remotely related?! Chill out

@SarahAndQuack

it’s not unrelated - the reason I haven’t complimented this woman is because of people like OP who get offended at what is supposed to be a nice and supportive comment. I wouldn’t want to offend someone unintentionally

Because your response to the OP was Sometimes I want to compliment someone for something like when I see a woman extended breastfeeding and I want to show support. Threads like this are why I don’t.

If you didn't mean to comment on breastfeeding in response to the OP, commenting on breastfeeding in response to the OP is, well, a tiny bit odd.

It's not 'nice and supportive' for a doctor to tell a woman's husband he's lucky she looks as if she's 'bounced back' after giving birth, is it?

The OP explains in her very first post she doesn't believe that having 'bounced back' is a thing, and even if she'd not explained that, it doesn't take a genius to see why that comment was inappropriate.

Breastfeeding is very personal and not everyone would be comfortable with having a stranger comment on it while they are in the middle of doing it. I think your hesitation is a good instinct. If you aren’t relatively certain it will make the person feel good, it’s smart to just avoid it.

There are ways to gauge if people will appreciate comments on their physical appearance. But in this case they were telling her husband he’s lucky she’s still attractive after becoming a mother. That’s just gross and bound to only make the most insecure women feel good about themselves.

I don't mind it from family or if I've had a sudden change and it suits me like new hair colour or something.

But from strangers or at random I just don't think it's necessary

I understand where you're coming from. A colleague complimented my eye colour and teeth the other week and I didn't quite know what to say. I almost said "thanks, I grew them myself". I think people place too much importance on physical appearance quite frankly. I agree that if it's clothes or makeup, or even telling someone they have fab skin, it's somewhat different, because they have control of those things.