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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted compliments

104 replies

cds5163 · 23/05/2022 14:42

Does anyone not like being complimented or am I being unreasonable? Lately I'm just annoyed by any comments made about my appearance. A couple of weeks ago my husband's brothers visited and I had a small talk with the oldest and he goes "you still look young." Wtf, because I am. Then when they leave they tell my husband "how beautiful of a women I am." Why do people feel they need to talk about others appearance and body. I don't. It seems personal.

Then a couple months ago I had a baby and an incident stuck with me. Im not even a week postpartum. I took my baby to our pediatrician. We get along great. She's informed me that she also had a baby. Its been awhile since we seen each other. She asks if we will have any more. My husband is unsure and I'm leaning more towards a yes. Then she turns to my husband and she says something along the lines of "your lucky she looks great, some women don't bounce back." Wtf, not only am I offended for myself, I'm offended for others. There is no such thing as a bounce back. The idea that your body will go unscathed after pregnancy is ridiculous to me. Am I ungrateful for the positive comments?

OP posts:
MidnightMeltdown · 23/05/2022 16:08

Another one who's a professional at being offended about nothing. First world problems eh?

SparkleOwl65 · 23/05/2022 16:12

I don't mind compliments on my appearance, I get a lot of compliments re my hair, being black with braids and living in a very rural white area. They draw attention and it's quite nice sometimes. I do them myself so it's a compliment on my skill I guess! I get quite a few compliments on my eyes. They're very normal coloured eyes, just not for a black woman - they're blue. That I couldn't really care for because I was born with them, I don't notice them, they were out of my control. What I LOVE is when I'm complimented on my work, my skill, my intelligence. Doesn't happen all the time but when it does it is a massive boost. I can't really bring myself to be too upset by it.

lollipoprainbow · 23/05/2022 16:15

@ahwobabob well said, sorry to hear about your sister, I lost mine 6 years ago. I'm sure nice compliments would have/will be the very least of their worries. Some people have no idea.

adhdforme · 23/05/2022 16:16

I tend to get very uncomfortable with compliments. I'm awkward and don't know how to accept them or respond to them. I usually try to finish the compliment by filling it down somehow. If someone says they like my hair and have I cut it I'll say no, not for a long time (even if it was more recently than not), or if I'm complimented on an outfit I'll go on to tell them what a bargain it was or how I found it in a shop I don't normally like.

The other day I had someone come up to me and tell me how great I looked and then point out to her friend how tiny I am now and what dress size I was (the same friend asked me a couple weeks ago and I didn't want to answer because I felt very awkward about it, but I felt backed into a corner so told her).

I just found the whole thing strange and feel I am a weirdo because I have always found compliments very hard to accept

Fulbe · 23/05/2022 16:17

I agree, I really dislike it when people objectify my body. Especially when they're talking to your 'man' about you, in front of you, that's disrespectful. Some people however just hate compliments because they have low self-esteem and can't see what others can.

Things are improving gradually, we just have to rise above it sometimes. I was delighted that wolf whistling had ended until I spoke to a younger prettier friend who said it still happened to her! I wasn't sure how to take that...

Asti4ever · 23/05/2022 16:17

Why do we have to compete? My dad just died, i have a son with adhd and this and that. That was not the point of the thread!
The thread was Bout compliments! And i hate Them !

awkwardoldlady · 23/05/2022 16:18

I mostly don't like complements from strangers. Having spent some time trying to figure out why the best I've come up with is the "I have judged you and find you good/adequate/inadequate/bad" vibe. Even if someone is saying something on the positive end of the judgement spectrum it still asserts their right to judge you and that you should be interested / invested in their opinion.

there are exceptions but it's mostly unwelcome as hell.

Fulbe · 23/05/2022 16:19

adhdforme · 23/05/2022 16:16

I tend to get very uncomfortable with compliments. I'm awkward and don't know how to accept them or respond to them. I usually try to finish the compliment by filling it down somehow. If someone says they like my hair and have I cut it I'll say no, not for a long time (even if it was more recently than not), or if I'm complimented on an outfit I'll go on to tell them what a bargain it was or how I found it in a shop I don't normally like.

The other day I had someone come up to me and tell me how great I looked and then point out to her friend how tiny I am now and what dress size I was (the same friend asked me a couple weeks ago and I didn't want to answer because I felt very awkward about it, but I felt backed into a corner so told her).

I just found the whole thing strange and feel I am a weirdo because I have always found compliments very hard to accept

You can train yourself to get over this by just saying "Thanks!" It'll feel weird at first but eventually you might start to feel better about yourself.

Problemmo · 23/05/2022 16:19

I’ve lost weight this year so getting a lot of compliments based on that which is just making me feel awkward tbh.

adhdforme · 23/05/2022 16:19

Fulbe · 23/05/2022 16:17

I agree, I really dislike it when people objectify my body. Especially when they're talking to your 'man' about you, in front of you, that's disrespectful. Some people however just hate compliments because they have low self-esteem and can't see what others can.

Things are improving gradually, we just have to rise above it sometimes. I was delighted that wolf whistling had ended until I spoke to a younger prettier friend who said it still happened to her! I wasn't sure how to take that...

You're right. I have very low self confidence and what you said is very true. I don't know how to change that and would still feel a bit conceited accepting compliments 🥴

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/05/2022 16:20

Dillydollydingdong · 23/05/2022 15:21

Ungrateful woman. Just be glad you look good enough to attract compliments.

Why must a woman be grateful when someone comments on her appearance though? That’s kind of the point!

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/05/2022 16:22

I struggle with compliments but I am getting better when I know that they are genuine rather than someone saying something nice just for the sake of it.
I do prefer compliments about what kind of person I am rather than about my appearance.

WibblyWobblyJane · 23/05/2022 16:23

Everyone that is irritated by this thread should know that those same people who OP does not want judging her body and attractiveness are still judging all of us. It does not feel good to have people do this, whether they find you lacking or acceptable.

I think the doctor's comment was especially weird.

Sittingonabench · 23/05/2022 16:24

A compliment that puts others down or compares you to group is not really a compliment - both of your examples do that and yes it’d piss me off. A straight forward you’re looking lovely/well is a nice compliment and much appreciated.

Bunnyfuller · 23/05/2022 16:24

Don’t worry, your age will get you eventually and you won’t have to endure those nasty compliments. Hugs, op, I feel you. Have this biscuit on me 🍪

breatheintheamazing · 23/05/2022 16:24

You sound like "that" woman who ruins it for the rest of us to be honest

(I used to go out with my twins just to get comments to make me feel good if I was having a hard day "wow you look amazing for having had twins", "I couldn't do it but you make it look easy" "you're doing such a great job" and so on)

WibblyWobblyJane · 23/05/2022 16:25

TabithaTittlemouse · 23/05/2022 16:20

Why must a woman be grateful when someone comments on her appearance though? That’s kind of the point!

Show quote history

Exactly

OldWivesTale · 23/05/2022 16:41

Yanbu. Why the fuck should we be grateful for compliments about our physical appearance? Not that I get any these days - and for that I am grateful. I hated feeling like my appearance was always up for discussion when I was younger. They don't do this about men do they? It's degrading and goes back to the whole idea of a society obsessed with how women look rather than what they do. It also highlights how shallow most men are. And just because worse things are happening in the world doesn't mean the OP's feelings about this aren't valid.

TokyoTen · 23/05/2022 16:43

I either say thank you and move on, or if I think they are a bit creepy I say something like "yeah, but flattery doesn't work" and move on without missing a beat.

OldWivesTale · 23/05/2022 16:45

breatheintheamazing · 23/05/2022 16:24

You sound like "that" woman who ruins it for the rest of us to be honest

(I used to go out with my twins just to get comments to make me feel good if I was having a hard day "wow you look amazing for having had twins", "I couldn't do it but you make it look easy" "you're doing such a great job" and so on)

But saying you're doing a great job is totally different; that is a nice compliment to recieve; it's based on what youre doing; it's not the same as commenting on someone's beauty.

Tq231442 · 23/05/2022 16:47

I understand what you mean - being complimented isn't what bothers you, it's the implication of putting another woman down ("most women don't look like x") and then putting all your worth into your appearance/youth.

No, you're not being unreasonable. Your eyes are wide open.

Anonymous48 · 23/05/2022 16:48

worriedparent12 · 23/05/2022 15:15

I think your reaction is weird to be honest. Yesterday I carried my baby in a sling and a woman commented: "Best way to carry a baby! You look great for just having had a baby!"

I was delighted, I like compliments.

I like compliments too, but not for how I look. Not from a stranger, certainly.

SarahAndQuack · 23/05/2022 16:49

I find it really weird she told your husband he was lucky you looked good. That's a bit ewww.

Also not very thoughtful when, as you say, you might not be feeling as if you've 'bounced back' at all.

FWIW I got really sick of 'compliments' when DD was a baby, because I didn't give birth to her, and people would constantly go 'ooh you've really got your figure back quick' and I'd have to decide between saying 'oh thanks' and feeling a fraud, or explaining my personal business to them. I do wish people would think a tiny bit more about what the compliment is implying - I guess that's similar to you feeling like you haven't bounced back from the birth but not necessarily wanting to be put on the spot to say so?

MyLordWizardKing · 23/05/2022 16:52

If we were only allowed to post about 'serious' issues on AIBU then there would only be about seven threads.

Besides, considering the amount of people on here that still think a woman should only ever be grateful about a uninvited comment on her physical appearance (however positive) makes me feel like it is an issue worth discussing.

Frazzledmummy123 · 23/05/2022 16:54

Compliments only make me feel uncomfortable because I am quite shy and socially awkward, but otherwose, thry don't bother me at all as I'd love and appreciate a compliment. I have had people insult me about my weight (I am a size 14!) so any nice comments, even if about my appearance, are welcome.

To be offended at compliments and nice comments is just looking for offence for the sake of it in my opinion.