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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend?

78 replies

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/05/2022 12:49

Hello I could really do with some perspective please. My bf of nearly 40 years has been quite weird with me for some time. She started with brexit and the tories and kept sending me links and other stuff. I wasn't interested but we had a mild argument about it. Then Covid happened and gradually she got embroiled in twitter and conspiracy theories. We had a big falling out in the run up to my wedding. She was my maid of honour and wasn't interested at all. My other bf arranged my hen and she only just came on the night. She actually text me a few days before saying would I be upset if she didn't come as she couldn't afford it. Anyway eventually we made up and I was relieved. Until the Ukraine war. She supports putin and keeps trying to prove to me that Ukraine are wrong etc. now monkey pox and it's starting again.

She has been a good friend over the years and I really don't want to fall out with her but whenever I try to have normal conversation with her it comes back to this and she will say things like have you woken up yet when I haven't even said anything about it.
I hadn't heard from her for a week so messaged her Saturday about an event we both want to go to. She didn't answer. Yesterday I asked if she was ok. She said she had been at work and I replied. Then at midnight she messaged me a link then again this morning at 7. I just said yes let me know about event and she didn't answer. I really don't know what to do about her anymore. We went for food with other friend a couple of weeks ago and she was fine then. We were even joking about her sending me this stuff.
Sorry that is a bit long. Thanks if you got through it

OP posts:
confuzedd · 23/05/2022 12:52

Put her in the bin and move on.

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/05/2022 12:55

I think I know I should but we've been friends that long and in normal times she has been the only one who will just text me to talk crap. Unfortunately I think that's part of the problem

OP posts:
SunnySundayMornings · 23/05/2022 13:03

I wouldn't be friends with anyone who supports Putin. She sounds utterly vile!!

confuzedd · 23/05/2022 13:05

It's a sunk cost fallacy. You feel like you've invested too much time and effort into this friendship to let it go. Sounds like you've grown apart and she has quite extreme / opposing views.

Time to cut your losses and move in. Put your energy into seeking out some new connections.

YarnHoarder · 23/05/2022 13:10

I think lots of people continue being friends with people they don't actually like very much because they've been friends for so long and it's easier than finding new friends who you actually like.

Leave the communication up to her, if she says something you don't like either tell her you don't want to talk about it or tell her what you think. I agree with the PP above though, supporting Putin is rather low (it's not entirely black and white but invasion and war crimes are clearly despicable) and if she's into conspiracy theories then she'll have an answer for anything you don't fully agree on. It sounds in part like you were growing apart and her new found interests aren't helping the situation.

XelaM · 23/05/2022 13:16

OP I can relate! My best friend from school had become an obsessed Trump-supporter and believed that covid (and potentially other important events like the moon landing etc) were a hoax orchestrated by Bill Gates 🤣

Honestly, I just ignored all the videos and links she sent me and only talked about non-political stuff with her. Otherwise I would have gone mad 😬

XelaM · 23/05/2022 13:17

Oh, she also believed JFK's son faked his own death 🙈

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/05/2022 13:21

@XelaM yes trump is another one. I have tried ignoring but then when I message about something normal she will say I'm not answering till you watch this video or answer xyz. Plus she knows I have anxiety about people not answering my messages

OP posts:
anotherNCsorryfolks · 23/05/2022 13:25

I think you're just different people.

Funnily enough when covid kicked off my best friend got on that wagon too. Sending me constant links and YouTube videos. I just went along with it. Keeps us both happy.

Just because your not interested and she is doesn't mean you can't entertain it now and then.

DogsAndGin · 23/05/2022 13:31

confuzedd · 23/05/2022 13:05

It's a sunk cost fallacy. You feel like you've invested too much time and effort into this friendship to let it go. Sounds like you've grown apart and she has quite extreme / opposing views.

Time to cut your losses and move in. Put your energy into seeking out some new connections.

100% agree with this. Your BF is no longer your BF, she’s not even a friend, as she isn’t capable of focusing on anything other than her conspiracy theories. I have two family members like this, it is exhausting, and futile to try and get anything to change

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/05/2022 13:32

anotherNCsorryfolks · 23/05/2022 13:25

I think you're just different people.

Funnily enough when covid kicked off my best friend got on that wagon too. Sending me constant links and YouTube videos. I just went along with it. Keeps us both happy.

Just because your not interested and she is doesn't mean you can't entertain it now and then.

I tried to go along with it but it got worse. Like she was testing me on it and trying to catch me out.

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/05/2022 13:36

And then she'd say why are you pretending to be interested when you're not as if I was wasting her time. She sent me a link and I said I would read it but I have to set up an account and she said well I'm sure you managed to set up an account for Covid pass. I said yes so I could go to the pub and she said I went with my non existent one. Honestly you can't talk to her about it

OP posts:
VerveClique · 23/05/2022 13:42

Just text/speak…

hi Sarah. I get that you’re into this stuff, I really do, but it’s just not for me… I have enough of my own stuff to deal with etc.

I’ve always thought you’re a great friend, but I don’t want to talk about this sort of thing. It upsets me that we think so differently about this stuff but I respect your views.

I’m happy to meet up and have coffee etc etc but conspiracy theories/putin etc is just not for me. So I don’t want to put conditions on our relationship but I just don’t want to engage with this sort of thing.

let me know if you’d like to meet up to do xyz, but I’ll completely understand if you’d prefer Not to. Just let me know.

MatildaTheCat · 23/05/2022 13:43

Drop her. If she won’t respond until you’ve read/ watched her tedious link then you are at an ideal point to step away.

my SIL became a rabid ant vaxxer and sent me 2 hour ‘clips’ to educate me. No amount of discussion would ever reach a point of agreement and she refused to discuss anything else so I left her to it until she calmed down which, thankfully she has. For now.

maddy68 · 23/05/2022 13:45

She actually sounds like she's lost the plot.

Disengage

Thepeopleversuswork · 23/05/2022 13:47

Firstly I couldn’t deal with someone with such poor critical faculties as a friend. But even more importantly she is a bully. You are not required to have the same interests and opinions as your friends, let alone to become engaged in conspiracy theories.

I agree that it sounds as if you are very different people now. You don’t enhance each other’s lives much. Cut her loose and find supportive friends who you have things in common with. You don’t have to consciously fall out with her, you can just let the friendship drift. But make clear that engaging in online rants and screeds of nonsense is not something you are prepared to do.

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/05/2022 17:15

Thank you everyone I really appreciate all your comments. I like that reply example. I'm going to write something like that if it continues. It's so hard because yesterday I was feeling really anxious about her not texting me and feeling quite lonely so when she replied I felt relieved then to wake up this morning to all that crap really upset me. I'm sure she doesn't send that to her other friends and she is taking me for granted. She's not always been like this but the wedding stuff was not nice and some things she said to me have been horrid. When I say this to her she says she's trying to protect me.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/05/2022 17:20

And then she'd say why are you pretending to be interested when you're not as if I was wasting her time

How old are you both? This is junior school stuff. If you don't enjoy her company, back away from her. It's not complicated. If she creates drama, back away from her. If she gets demanding, back away from her.

Don't spend your time with people who rub you up the wrong way. If you do, you're actively choosing to feel rubbed up the wrong way, and you're responsible for this.

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/05/2022 17:22

I completely agree. I just keep holding on to when she is ok and we have normal chats. I sometimes think what if she's unwell and I'm abandoning her. I suffer with anxiety and she has been understanding to me in the past.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/05/2022 17:30

You will continue to suffer with anxiety for as long as you keep putting yourself willfully in unhealthy situations/relationships/friendships. You are essentially having a feeling that tells you you want to get away from her, but you're ignoring it. Everybody feels anxious when they need to get away from something unhealthy but they can't.

You are responsible for your own wellbeing, she is responsible for hers. She's not looking after you, and neither are you. Why are you trying to look after her?

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2022 17:33

The number of adults in friendships with people they don’t seem to like or have anything in common with is baffling.

Watchkeys · 23/05/2022 17:36

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2022 17:33

The number of adults in friendships with people they don’t seem to like or have anything in common with is baffling.

Quite. OP, do you feel obliged to be friends with this person? By whom? Who is in charge of you?

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/05/2022 17:36

Gosh watchkeys I think you're right. How do I break the cycle though. It's very difficult with someone I've been friends with so long. Although one of my other friends has had to this with her longtime friend so it can be done.

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/05/2022 17:37

Merryoldgoat · 23/05/2022 17:33

The number of adults in friendships with people they don’t seem to like or have anything in common with is baffling.

I do have lots in common with her and DH has said I don't laugh with anyone like I do with her. She's just choosing to talk about this crap all the time just lately

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 23/05/2022 17:42

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/05/2022 17:36

Gosh watchkeys I think you're right. How do I break the cycle though. It's very difficult with someone I've been friends with so long. Although one of my other friends has had to this with her longtime friend so it can be done.

You stop doing thigs you don't want to do. It's that simple. You're sitting in a cafe with her and she starts banging on about Ukraine, tell her you don't agree and you'd rather talk about something else. If she doesn't respect that, you stand up and leave.

There's nothing complicated, nothing dramatic. You just walk away. And if it keeps happening, you stop responding to her, or you tell her that the two of you are too different, and you're going to pull back from the friendship.

Essentially, DO WHAT YOU WANT. You don't have to make a song and dance about it. Just do it, and quietly explain, if you want to. If she makes a bunch of drama, keep calm, stay silent.