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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend?

78 replies

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 23/05/2022 12:49

Hello I could really do with some perspective please. My bf of nearly 40 years has been quite weird with me for some time. She started with brexit and the tories and kept sending me links and other stuff. I wasn't interested but we had a mild argument about it. Then Covid happened and gradually she got embroiled in twitter and conspiracy theories. We had a big falling out in the run up to my wedding. She was my maid of honour and wasn't interested at all. My other bf arranged my hen and she only just came on the night. She actually text me a few days before saying would I be upset if she didn't come as she couldn't afford it. Anyway eventually we made up and I was relieved. Until the Ukraine war. She supports putin and keeps trying to prove to me that Ukraine are wrong etc. now monkey pox and it's starting again.

She has been a good friend over the years and I really don't want to fall out with her but whenever I try to have normal conversation with her it comes back to this and she will say things like have you woken up yet when I haven't even said anything about it.
I hadn't heard from her for a week so messaged her Saturday about an event we both want to go to. She didn't answer. Yesterday I asked if she was ok. She said she had been at work and I replied. Then at midnight she messaged me a link then again this morning at 7. I just said yes let me know about event and she didn't answer. I really don't know what to do about her anymore. We went for food with other friend a couple of weeks ago and she was fine then. We were even joking about her sending me this stuff.
Sorry that is a bit long. Thanks if you got through it

OP posts:
Obki · 19/10/2022 20:58

*supporting Putin as well…

Movingsoon21 · 19/10/2022 21:09

OP it’s so sad when a long term friendship ends, but it’s her that’s ended the friendship by pushing this stuff on you - it’s not your fault.

If I were you I would quietly grieve the friendship on my own and focus on moving on with other friends. If she ever sees the light in future and apologises then you can always pick things up again then. But she’s not going to see it by you telling her she’s wrong, so save your breath.

Callmesadie · 19/10/2022 21:42

This

Callmesadie · 19/10/2022 21:43

VerveClique · 23/05/2022 13:42

Just text/speak…

hi Sarah. I get that you’re into this stuff, I really do, but it’s just not for me… I have enough of my own stuff to deal with etc.

I’ve always thought you’re a great friend, but I don’t want to talk about this sort of thing. It upsets me that we think so differently about this stuff but I respect your views.

I’m happy to meet up and have coffee etc etc but conspiracy theories/putin etc is just not for me. So I don’t want to put conditions on our relationship but I just don’t want to engage with this sort of thing.

let me know if you’d like to meet up to do xyz, but I’ll completely understand if you’d prefer Not to. Just let me know.

Oops! This

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/10/2022 21:52

I think that is a good message but she will just see it as an in for an argument I think. She will always want the last word. I did try to feign interest in the Covid stuff but she would ask me questions on the videos to see if I watched them properly. She has a degree in animal science and thinks this means she's cleverer than me and can catch me out. I just can't cope with any of it. I'm just not that way inclined and it doesn't make me stupid. The putin stuff I just cannot fathom that at all. She sent me a pic of him or video of something where he is petting animals and was like he's not evil.

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/10/2022 21:52

And I did speak to her on my wedding day and we agreed to put it behind us. She's obsessed

OP posts:
Dacquoise · 19/10/2022 22:04

A slightly different slant on this, really old friend of mine has developed some very right wing views over the last few years, thinks Trump was great, Biden is the devil, covid conspiracies have a point, we're going to get nuked tomorrow if we don't start a war, start digging a bunker etc etc. She spends a lot of time inhaling the Daily Mail online and believes every word of it.

I spoke to my therapist about this as I was starting to feel a bit brow beaten by her, she gets a bit aggressive if you disagree with her views. She is adamant she is 'right'.

His take was that people who suffer from anxiety (she has panic attacks and worries about absolutely everything) often latch onto dominant persuasive arguments because it provides a sense of security. What appears extreme to us can be reassuring to someone who needs certainty and can't tolerate the unknown.

Not a solution to the issue @teaandtoastwithmarmite but an insight to the behaviour. Personally I don't engage when she starts up, change the subject or remind her that too much following the media is bad for her mental health. You can't fix it but you don't have to follow her down the rabbit hole.

Crystalsandpebbles · 19/10/2022 22:34

A friend ( rapidly becoming an ex- friend) is into all of this and worse: the Queen was a lizard, we are all moving to another dimension, David Icke is wonderful. She can be fairly normal for an hour and suddenly launch into this crap, as if trying to convert me. It's a shame as we share a hobby and I used to enjoy her company. But I can't stand it any more. You can argue with stupid.

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/10/2022 22:34

Thank you @Dacquoise that's really interesting and helpful

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/10/2022 22:36

@Crystalsandpebbles I agree. Sorry you're getting it too. I just don't know where my funny, kind friend of almost 40 years went. We used to laugh at stupid stuff no one else got. 😣

OP posts:
Crystalsandpebbles · 19/10/2022 22:36

I meant CAN'T argue with stupid. Predictive text.

Metabigot · 19/10/2022 22:42

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/10/2022 12:47

Hi all, sorry to rehash an old post but after I took your advice we didn't speak for a while. Then I got a voice message from her yesterday and just wanted to see what people thought as everyone was helpful last time. So she said that she hasn't fallen out with me even though I'm the one who went on holiday without telling her when we had arranged something. This was the thing that I was having a dilemma about then she said she prob wouldn't be able to go anyway.
After that she went on to say she has had to distance herself as she doesn't feel I respect her opinions and views and don't take an interest so how can she have an interest in what I do in my life. She feels like more of the truth is coming out and she can't stand by whilst I bury my head in the sand along with all of my other friends. She said she didn't need a response she just wanted to let me know where she is at. I am thinking wtf? I feel like there is nothing left any more. She's not making sense. I haven't done or said anything I just don't think she is making any sense.

This is a classic darvo response. She's turned it round so that you're the bad guy and she gets to feel in control of the dumping.

I've experienced something similar and its utterly baffling until you understand this. Very common reaction to confrontation.

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/10/2022 08:15

Thanks @Metabigot and sorry you have experienced this. I think I wanted reassurance not replying was right but I don't actually think I should reply to her. She knows I care about her. Everyone told me to get her out of my wedding after the way she treated me and I didn't. She needs to be left I think

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/10/2022 08:18

And yes I do agree with you. This is a control thing. The message she sent me and our other friend about not going to something we had planned- neither of us replied then a couple of weeks later she was like are we going then or shall we sell the tickets. I had already phoned our other friend asking if she minded me going on holiday as I didn't want to leave her and she said it was fine so when asked if we were bothered we both said no so that took the control from her then

OP posts:
Obki · 20/10/2022 08:21

She sent me a pic of [Putin] or video of something where he is petting animals and was like he's not evil.

God she’s thick! Dump and run, OP.

Jayne542 · 20/10/2022 08:24

That's the second time I've seen sunk cost fallacy referred to on mn recently and hadn't heard of it. Just looked it up. Makes me realise a few things about why I'm still connected to certain people when perhaps I shouldn't be.

wackamole · 20/10/2022 09:18

I think the only way this friendship could have survived is if (1) you both agreed to avoid politics and stuck to that strictly or (2) she gave the same respect and attention to your views as she expects from you, and you both "agreed to disagree" when necessary.

She feels like more of the truth is coming out and she can't stand by whilst I bury my head in the sand along with all of my other friends.

Why can't she? Even if her opinions were objectively correct and you refused to believe them, so what? If it were something like she insisted that smoking significantly increases the risk of lung cancer and you said "nonsense!" and kept on chain smoking, I could see her point. But so what if you don't think COVID is a hoax? You've had the vax, no one's currently pushing for madatory vax or lockdowns. So what if you were/are anti-Brexit? It's done; it's not like there's about to be a vote on rejoining the EU. So what if you don't like the Conservatives? They're too busy infighting to care. So what if you don't think it's great that Putin's facilitating massacres, rapes, and torture in Ukraine? You can't stop him. So what if you don't like Trump? You're (probably) not voting in any US elections any time soon.

WHY does she need so bady for you to agree with all her views? You're not demanding that she agree with yours.

Humobean · 20/10/2022 09:29

I had an older friend who was struggling with mental health issues. I'd meet up for coffee and at times she was hard going but I tried to support her. But it was affecting me and the friendship became less reciprocal. Eventually we had a disagreement (over Covid conspiracy stuff) just as lockdown was happening and that was that. Looking back I can see now that her GP was trying to help her too but she was batting away all treatment suggestions. Sometimes friendships do run their course and you have to balance being there for someone with the issue of your own mental health. 🌷

Humobean · 20/10/2022 09:32

Agree to disagree didn't work for her 😬 - she'd talk over me and go on long extrapolations!

Humobean · 20/10/2022 09:38

She sent me a pic of [Putin] or video of something where he is petting animals and was like he's not evil.

Crikey - plenty of footage of Hitler patting his dogs.

CPL593H · 20/10/2022 09:53

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 19/10/2022 21:52

I think that is a good message but she will just see it as an in for an argument I think. She will always want the last word. I did try to feign interest in the Covid stuff but she would ask me questions on the videos to see if I watched them properly. She has a degree in animal science and thinks this means she's cleverer than me and can catch me out. I just can't cope with any of it. I'm just not that way inclined and it doesn't make me stupid. The putin stuff I just cannot fathom that at all. She sent me a pic of him or video of something where he is petting animals and was like he's not evil.

Risking Godwin's Law, there are many pictures of Hitler playing with his German Shepherd which I would be very tempted to send her, but that would just be fuelling it.

I think she's revisited you because she needs a RL audience for all the crackpottery. She may have an underlying MH issue, but what can you do? Any engagement with her, however negative, will just feed the general unhealthiness. You can't get through to her. All you can do for your sake and in a roundabout way for her is to cut her off, no response at all, at least for now.

kittenkerfuffle · 20/10/2022 09:56

Does this friend have a partner,or other more meaningful things going on in her life, for e.g. family, social life.
It sounds like this behaviour started when you got married, is she possibly feeling a bit left behind in life and she's taking her frustrations out on you.
I always think conspiracy theory people, or people that hold extreme views are usually trying to fill a bit of a void in their life.
You obviously not her therapist, but if this is a fairly new thing, could you maybe try and figure out what her problem is and reassure her, help her find alternative outlets for her possible loneliness.
It may also be that she's always been like this , but you've just grown apart now, in which case it might be best to revaluate the friendship and move her from BF position to old friend that I occasionally check in with.

MinnieGirl · 20/10/2022 10:36

She needs the last word… don’t give it to her.
Read her messages by all means but don’t reply.
You can’t control her behaviour, but you can control how you respond to it.

Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/10/2022 22:15

@CPL593H thanks I agree

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 20/10/2022 22:19

kittenkerfuffle · 20/10/2022 09:56

Does this friend have a partner,or other more meaningful things going on in her life, for e.g. family, social life.
It sounds like this behaviour started when you got married, is she possibly feeling a bit left behind in life and she's taking her frustrations out on you.
I always think conspiracy theory people, or people that hold extreme views are usually trying to fill a bit of a void in their life.
You obviously not her therapist, but if this is a fairly new thing, could you maybe try and figure out what her problem is and reassure her, help her find alternative outlets for her possible loneliness.
It may also be that she's always been like this , but you've just grown apart now, in which case it might be best to revaluate the friendship and move her from BF position to old friend that I occasionally check in with.

She has a partner and a dd but she's always complaining about stuff in her life. I was thinking of distancing myself a bit before this as she is never happy and always moaning but I thought she needed me and I could help her. We had been engaged for years but when I said we'd booked the wedding she started being pretty negative, refused to invite my sister in law to my hen do then tried to back down from being moh and general selfish behaviour. Once a long time ago I decided I wanted to try for a baby and she had a go and said I was irresponsible because I had a debt. Maybe I was but it then took me six years to conceive. When Covid started her dd was 1 and she couldn't find a job. I could've said something but didn't. Anyway she's negative about everything I do.

OP posts: