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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to think brother (and sil) acted like a knob

84 replies

SuperTiredAgain · 22/05/2022 20:55

Mum died September. We need to clear out her house. "I might come up this weekend" said brother. "I don't know which day, I'll let you know" he said. I said, "ok, I'm free all day Sunday and can get there at 9am and spend full day with you sorting stuff". I said I was busy Saturday.

Next thing I hear is "I've got all weekend free so we (him, sil and nephew) are coming Saturday (🤷 yes he knew I was free Sunday so...) "We've hired a van" he says. "We want to put everything in storage".

Fine said I. But one request, please please leave all mums clothes which are in her bedroom, because I really want to look through them myself. Om another occasion I had specifically also asked him to leave her coats which were in downstairs cupboard.

Ok says brother. I reiterated this request several times and he definitely knew my wishes

There is loads of shit at my mum's house with no sentimental value that would have been really usefully sorted out while the van was there - old treadmill and arm chair needed driving to a skip or charity shop, entire contents of shed could have been taken somewhere (tip, charity, storage).

What happened? Sil decided to sort through all my mum's personal possessions - all the clothes - her pants draw, socks, bra drawyer, sorted all her tops and trousers and boxes everything up for storage. The whole.of the upstairs (mums bedroom and spare room) she boxed up and they took everything to storage. They also took all her coats and left everything else in the cupboard. I have no idea where this storage place is. I didn't want it, they did.

I am so so sad and was really really angry with my brother. He said "we worked our arses of Saturday" - yes I know, but I'd rather you hadn't. I'd rather you waited for me. I'd rather if you had done anything at all on Saturday that you had cleared the shit that I don't care about.

I hate the thought that sil has been through all my mum's stuff. All her private stuff. Brother thinks it's all fine, it's not like they've thrown the clothes away or anything.

I'm super sad. I wanted to potter round in mums bedroom, fold her things, sniff her smell on her jumpers one last time. Now I won't get to do that

Why the f couldn't they have waited for me. It's the only thing I asked them to leave alone

OP posts:

Heathyou · 22/05/2022 20:59

Hi op, I'm sorry for your loss and it does sound super frustrating for you. I think reading from the outside, it simply sounds like miscommunication. It sounds like your brother thought he was being helpful by boxing up the clothes that he knew you wanted to sort through - rather than getting rid of anything. I assume that he thought you just didn't want to throw the clothes away? Perhaps they wanted to get a good headstart on sorting things as the house needs to be emptied soon?

I hope you can work through this together, it sounds tough for all involved.

RewildingAmbridge · 22/05/2022 21:01

Unfortunately this is just two different approaches to the same task, one more emotional than the other (nothing wrong with that). He probably doesn't understand why you wanted to sort through the clothes and just saw it as another task to be done, he should've listened to your request though, regardless of whether he understood your reasoning.
I don't really understand the purpose of the storage unit either, why are these things being stored? With the greatest of respect it's just delaying properly sorting things, choosing any sentimental items to keep and working out what to do with the rest, charity shop, tip etc. Doesn't make sense to pack and move it all twice, let alone pay for the privilege.

Ponoka7 · 22/05/2022 21:03

Do you both live far away and that's why it's taken seven months? That would explain his need to get it done. They should have been more empathetic, but did they hire a van, or had to get it to the storage place in a time window?

Original poster

SuperTiredAgain · 22/05/2022 21:05

They hired a van - but I'm the one that lives near the storage place. The van would have been better used to take stuff to the tip, transport the big stuff like garden furniture, tools, old armchair etc... I have a car and could have dropped the clothes to his storage place any time. It was the one thing I just wanted to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

SuperTiredAgain · 22/05/2022 21:07

He lives far away (1.5 hrs). I just don't get why they prioritised things I specifically asked them to leave, and left everything else. I know I'm probably irrationally upset as grieving, but I can't help feeling like he KNEW what I wanted and completely ignored it. I als don't think my mum would've wanted sil rummaging through her private stuff, but brother thinks.its fine.

OP posts:

Original poster

SuperTiredAgain · 22/05/2022 21:08

(well aparantly I live near the storage place (he says 20 mins) - it's near my mum's, which is near me - but they've not told me any details or how I can access the storage place)

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 22/05/2022 21:10

Why haven't you done it sooner? Was the stuff to go to the tip, clean? You can't use a general van to move rubbish.

Hankunamatata · 22/05/2022 21:11

In gentlest way. They boxed it up. They haven't gotten rid of anything. Your grieving and it hurts but everything will be in boxes.

himyname · 22/05/2022 21:11

Why not ask for access to the storage unit and you could take the boxes and go through them yourself? I know it's not the same, but things should still have her smell with them only being moved recently. It will eat away at you otherwise I think. While they may not have meant to be insensitive, it was, and in your shoes I would feel exactly the same. Sending

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 22/05/2022 21:11

So they deliberately rummaged through her stuff knowing you wouldn't /couldn't be there.? Dodgy imo.
Sorry for your loss but they don't sound sincere.

vipersnest1 · 22/05/2022 21:14

Sorry, but I can't help but agree with @Finalcountdowntoourtripaway. To my mind, they were looking for something.

ShaneTwane · 22/05/2022 21:14

I'm so sorry for your loss op. Unfortunately it sounds like miscommunication or they just thought they were doing the right thing as her stuffs been left for so many months. They should absolutely let you know how to access her things in the storage unit so you can collect anything you wish to keep. 💐

40andlols · 22/05/2022 21:15

I'm really surprised that the replies on here haven't been more understanding. What they did was thoughtless and actually not only thoughtless but they completely disregarded what you'd asked.

I'm so sorry it turned out like this and that you've been robbed of the one potentially enjoyable element of the thing and left with all the shit.

BessieBeach · 22/05/2022 21:15

No, they should have respected your desire to take your time over your mums possessions. I don’t think your brother really understood that this wasn’t just about packing up. It was going to be something you needed to do for your mum and yourself. I understand it. It is unfortunately the kind of thing that sticks with us after someone has died. However, I think the best approach (and probably the one your mum would want) would be not to fall out with them over it but tell them that you’re hurt that they did not understand your need to spend time with your mums clothes. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a tough time. I lost my mum too quite a few years ago now. Take care. x

ShaneTwane · 22/05/2022 21:18

40andlols · 22/05/2022 21:15

I'm really surprised that the replies on here haven't been more understanding. What they did was thoughtless and actually not only thoughtless but they completely disregarded what you'd asked.

I'm so sorry it turned out like this and that you've been robbed of the one potentially enjoyable element of the thing and left with all the shit.

To be fair I think most people are very understanding and agree op had every right to be upset. Grief can do strange things to people and we don't know if ops brother and sil thought they were being proactive and helpful. It's not going to help op to try and imply her bro and sil are awful and have deliberately tried to hurt her when for all we know they may have been trying to make it easy for her.

MoveOnTheCards · 22/05/2022 21:18

I’m sorry for your loss. I can understand why those elements were important to you and why you are frustrated and upset. Can you get the details of the storage space from your brother to go through your mum’s more personal items?

If you have a good relationship with you SIL can you perhaps talk to her about the best way forward with your mum’s possessions / the house? I wonder if that might be a way to get your brother to be a little less ‘practical’ about it?

Brainstorm22 · 22/05/2022 21:23

I say this kindly. It's just stuff. You will always have the memories of your mum.

My brother and mum waited 4 hours after my dad died to tell me. By that time he was in the morgue and I didn't get to say goodbye to him.

While this is shitty behaviour I'd let it go.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 22/05/2022 21:27

I agree it sounds like lack of communication. You need to have a phone conversation about what needs doing and divide up the jobs. Why is stuff going into storage rather than to charity or the tip?

Discovereads · 22/05/2022 21:29

I’m sorry for your loss and understand completely about sorting through a late mothers clothes and possessions. I did that for my mother and it took a whole day because I kept breaking down and crying. I do wonder though if your brother was tired of waiting for you to do this and that is why he just went ahead and cleared her house? Your mother passed away in September, it is now the end of May, so I don’t think he’s been too quick or overly rushing you in a time of grieving. Perhaps he feared another weekend/month/season might go by with you still not pottering around her bedroom with all her things as she had left them 8 months ago. I think it’s worth having a conversation with him about his intentions and why he could not continue to wait for you. I know with my mother, we had to sell her home quite quickly as it was mortgaged so I was clearing her possessions out only a few weeks after her funeral. Perhaps there is something like that? A need to sell the house soon that forced his hand?

catandcoffee · 22/05/2022 21:29

So sorry about your Mum OP.
I totally get it... her smell on her clothes would have possibly brought you closure.

Your sister in law had no right to go through your mums things. How dare she that's so disrespectful to you and your Mum.

The good thing about the clothes being boxed... her smell will be there for you. 💐

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 22/05/2022 21:32

Why have you hung on so long to sort her clothes? It seems it was really important to you to spend time looking through her clothes....yet its been 8 months since she passed.

5zeds · 22/05/2022 21:39

It will be ok. Do the rest of the house. Take any small bits to the storage place when it’s done and have a look in the boxes. It really will be ok.

winterchills · 22/05/2022 21:41

Awww this is really sad and I completely understand why you would have wanted to do that 😢

Ruralbliss · 22/05/2022 21:41

That's horrendous behaviour.

You have every reason to be furious and sad.

I'm so sorry they robbed you of your saying goodbye to your mum via her personal space, things and smell.

They definitely were knobs.

Axahooxa · 22/05/2022 21:42

Horrible behaviour and YANBU!

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