..to think brother (and sil) acted like a knob

[SuperTiredAgain]

Mum died September. We need to clear out her house. "I might come up this weekend" said brother. "I don't know which day, I'll let you know" he said. I said, "ok, I'm free all day Sunday and can get there at 9am and spend full day with you sorting stuff". I said I was busy Saturday.

Next thing I hear is "I've got all weekend free so we (him, sil and nephew) are coming Saturday (🤷 yes he knew I was free Sunday so...) "We've hired a van" he says. "We want to put everything in storage".

Fine said I. But one request, please please leave all mums clothes which are in her bedroom, because I really want to look through them myself. Om another occasion I had specifically also asked him to leave her coats which were in downstairs cupboard.

Ok says brother. I reiterated this request several times and he definitely knew my wishes

There is loads of shit at my mum's house with no sentimental value that would have been really usefully sorted out while the van was there - old treadmill and arm chair needed driving to a skip or charity shop, entire contents of shed could have been taken somewhere (tip, charity, storage).

What happened? Sil decided to sort through all my mum's personal possessions - all the clothes - her pants draw, socks, bra drawyer, sorted all her tops and trousers and boxes everything up for storage. The whole.of the upstairs (mums bedroom and spare room) she boxed up and they took everything to storage. They also took all her coats and left everything else in the cupboard. I have no idea where this storage place is. I didn't want it, they did.

I am so so sad and was really really angry with my brother. He said "we worked our arses of Saturday" - yes I know, but I'd rather you hadn't. I'd rather you waited for me. I'd rather if you had done anything at all on Saturday that you had cleared the shit that I don't care about.

I hate the thought that sil has been through all my mum's stuff. All her private stuff. Brother thinks it's all fine, it's not like they've thrown the clothes away or anything.

I'm super sad. I wanted to potter round in mums bedroom, fold her things, sniff her smell on her jumpers one last time. Now I won't get to do that

Why the f couldn't they have waited for me. It's the only thing I asked them to leave alone

I agree with PPs, you've had 8 months to potter and sniff, the house was on the market yet no clearing has been done, what a back to front way of doing things.
Why storage? now that needs sorted.

No need to be so dismissive of OP's feelings. Lots of people delay going through a much-loved parent's personal things until they feel ready. I don't think it's something to be judgemental about.

Very gently yabu. You need to get the house clear, your brother doesn't want to throw anything away and you want to potter around hugging and smelling the clothes. Neither of this is right or wrong its personal choice, but you are on a timescale and it sounds like you are both going to struggle to achieve that timescale.

I think putting everything in storage to give yourself more time is a very good idea. I think maybe your SIL has done this not to be an evil bitch, overstep boundaries or steal the family heirlooms, but because she is seeing you both struggle so has done something practical to help you out in such a way as you can still get your wish to sort out the clothes just at a different location.

Have you asked your brother why he ignored your requests?

Yes. I was really really angry with him today. I know that he knew I wanted to clear the clothes and he knew I had asked him to leave them because it was so important to me I had said it on probably 6 occasions prior to this weekend (just on random times when discussing the house and clearing it - ie. 'i don't mind when/how etc... but I'd really like to look through mums clothes. / I'd really like mums clothes to be left for me etc...) and then the night before on the phone (which my husband heard and remembered) then again on Saturday

When I asked DB why he didn't listen he first of all lied and said he couldn't remember me telling him I wanted him to leave the clothes for me. There is just no way thats true. Absolutely no way. I got really really angry and said there is no way you didn't know. I told him even my husband had heard me say it on the phone to brother. Then DB changed his story and said he did know but hadn't realised I wanted the clothes left in the room to sort and thought boxing them up and putting in storage means they are still there and I can sort through later.

I just don't get it. There was so much else they could've done on the day they came up (why they decided on a big family trip to sort mums stuff on the one day o couldn't make, is also puzzling). There is nothing sentimental.in the kitchen, just old pots and pans and cutlery. Nothing I care about it in the shed or outbuilding. My brother knows this. Why couldn't sil have stuck her nose in those places and left my mum's personal bits to me. Why did she have to sort her bedroom first.

Surely when you have the van, you'd use it to transport big stuff - they've left a lot of crap like garden tools, a broken treadmill, a stained 50 yr old armchair. Sil's time would have been much better spent transporting that stuff somewhere (the tip, charity, storage if that's what they want). This is the only thing I asked them not to touch. :(

Why all the hate and mudslinging abuse at the SIL? did the dbro not have some say in things? He was there at the clearing and it's also his mum. Who's the executor of the will?

I think maybe your SIL has done this not to be an evil bitch, overstep boundaries or steal the family heirlooms, but because she is seeing you both struggle so has done something practical to help

Knowing my SIL, I expect you are right that she was wanting to help. But why the flip couldn't she have helped by doing something else - anything else. Why couldn't she leave what I asked her to for just one more day (she did it on the Saturday, knowing I'd be there on the Sunday to do it and that I had asked DB that it be left for me)

Of course YNBU. You needed that time to go through your Mum’s precious things, in their natural place and feel close to her to help you grieve and she has violated that. I bet she was rifling about to look for money or jewelry. So sorry OP. All the best.

If it was that important to you, you should have went with them Saturday.

they've left a lot of crap like garden tools, a broken treadmill, a stained 50 yr old armchair. Sil's time would have been much better spent transporting that stuff somewhere (the tip, charity, storage if that's what they want).

SILs time would have been much better spent transporting the rubbish?! 🤨 ooh really, do you see yourself above that and in charge??

Sorry to those who think I'm being to harsh on sil and it's DB who should be the target of my anger. Just to reassure - I am more angry at dB. He was there with her. She was likely trying to help. She has actually apologised on text now too. It is dB I'm more annoyed at because he was the one who knew I wanted the clothes left. He could've ask sil to help with clearing ANYTHING ELSE.

I can’t believe some of the replies on here! Show some compassion please. I can fully understand why you are so upset. It does seem odd behaviour from your brother. It doesn’t sound like he meant any malice though so try not to fall out with him over it. It sounds like you need each other’s support.

SILs time would have been much better spent transporting the rubbish?! 🤨 ooh really, do you see yourself above that and in charge??

I meant because she had hired a van, it surely would've been more useful to have actually used it to transport big stuff. I don't have a van. I can't transport big stuff, but now they've taken the clothes I wanted to sort, and left all the big stuff and we will have to now get another van if they want it in storage, or find another way of getting it to the tip if they want it chucked

I'm really angry on your behalf op. I dont understand why they would have done that when you explicitly asked them not to and there are so many other things that would have made more sense for them to sort.

Luckily, they haven't thrown anything away so ask them for the storage details and when you're ready, go and get the clothes and sort through them.

I should probably mention that I do actually love my brother a lot and do think he's a nice person. This has just really upset me! My SIL is also a nice SIL and a kind person. I know she didn't do this out of malice and was likely trying to help. Just wish the two of them had not done this.

This was NOT miscommunication - how could it be when OP states she reiterated what the agreement was re her Mum's clothes? 🤨

Your brother & SIL rode roughshod over your wishes and you have every right to be pissed off. I'd be mad as hell if that happened to me.

Again gently OP do you think you would have been able to do it in one day, did they think maybe it would be too much for you? If this was the one thing you wanted to do yourself then surely you should have been doing a bit at a time when you have popped in for coffee. I well know the overwhelming grief losing a parent can cause, having recently lost my Dad, and I am sorry for your loss, but please try not to let this thing come between you and DB/SIL it will only cause more heartache

I have to agree with this.
I know some posters think it harsh, but it is actually spot on.
I do get that OP wanted to take time to go through her Mum's clothes, but the point is, she has had 8 months to do that, if she felt it was something that was important to her. She lives locally, and has now said she has been into the house several times.
She has now also said that they sold the house in March - in doing that, they have now given themselves a deadline.
OP could have spent a day or several evenings at her Mum's house throughout the Autumn, Winter and Spring. She has chosen not to, and now (having sold) the choice is to just get rid without much sorting, or to remove it to somewhere where they can sort later. OP has done neither, so her brother has done the latter. Seems an odd thing to me, but it is the 'less final' option, so OP can still do what she wants with her Mum's clothes.
OP has already spent time wandering through the house, and touched things, and sat with a coffee, and spent time there.
The brother hasn't cleared the house a week after his Mum died.

Hi @SuperTiredAgain it’s good to hear back from you.

I read the section about you trying to work with your brother & his need to ‘handle’ everything before parting with it, & thought ‘Oh dear’.

I assume that your brother is rather like this at home with his own stuff & that your SiL is used to him being like this, hence the practised side-stepping of disposing of anything (because it takes forever & is a torture) but getting it moved out so that the house sale can go through. Would it be fair to say that your brother has an attachment disorder or just for this task?

Either so or not, you need to make progress for yourself. You have told how you have initiated & tried to get stuff moving but met with passive resistance from your brother. You have been reasonable.

Would SiL be your ally in getting access to the storage unit so that you can retrieve what matters to you? After she owes you a bit of consideration…

You may need a few brief focus visits to complete your mission, but it can be done.

Somehow I think that your brother may be storing stuff for some time, at his cost & out of your SIL’s way for some time. The sooner you are settled with your treasures, the better.

YANBU OP. I would have felt exactly the same as you do.

Going through a deceased person's personal items (underwear and the like) is not something an IL should do if there is a willing daughter to do so. It's a matter of respect. I would have hated someone other than one of my siblings to do this for either of my parents.

That you had made your wishes clear makes it even worse.

They sound horrible, ignorant and selfish. Sorry, OP. 💐

Universalaunt - yes I expect he has some attachment issues. I don't mind that he wants this storage. And yes, I expect he will be storing for quite sometime. And yes, I expect SIL is only too familiar with his difficulty in parting with stuff and suspect the storage was her idea to ease his anxiety about the time pressure (which is nice of her). After the clothes incident, I ensured I rescued today, anything at all that means something to me and now feel I have all I need (a few photos, old letters from me to mum, and a couple.of odds and ends) They can do what they like with everything else now. It's up to them.

Given he didn’t want to get rid of anything or decide when together you need to say I will be there all day Saturday, and I will decide whatever I think suitable to do with stuff since we are now clearing mums stuff while deliberately ignoring any requests of the other. You still need to hire a van and actually be useful with it and move large furniture instead of the clothes I’ve asked you not to and which I can fit in my car. If I have to hire a van because you couldn’t use your brain and shift actual furniture with the van you hired then I will have it dumped on your front lawn.
and if he objects - oh why should I be paying any attention to your requests? You did the one thing I asked you not to, and I’m furious you robbed me of that time I was going to use saying goodbye to mum. But you think I should respect your wishes? Don’t call me until you’ve hired a van and are going to help this time.

Yes this. Brother and sil were hoping to find something valuable in your mother’s personal possessions. That’s why they focused on that under the guise of folding her clothes and coats and putting them in storage boxes while leaving everything else that had no value to them and needed cleaning out.

While the brother is entitled to look through everything, so are you. He found out from you which day you could go and he and his wife picked the day before to get to the “good stuff” before you.

You and your brother should have gone through it together with the sil working downstairs perhaps, giving you space and time and privacy the first day of dealing w mother’s possessions.

It also sounds like there is some resentment and bad feeling to begin with between you and sil. Obviously none of us here can make a judgement one way or another on that relationship, not knowing the history etc.

All this trying to paint the brother and his wife as devious and searching for something is really tedious and unnecessary. They have had Sept to do that if they so wished. Why would they leave it until now?

There isn't any historic bad feeling between me and sil. She's a nice person. I suppose there have been previous occasions where I feel she's crossed the line from daughter-in-law duties, to daughter duties, or where I feel she has got involved when she shouldn't, but it's not bothered me this much before. SIL is a nice person and so is DB. (They just can sometimes be a wee bit selfish / act in their own best interests). I love DB and we r normally really close.