..to think brother (and sil) acted like a knob

[SuperTiredAgain]

Mum died September. We need to clear out her house. "I might come up this weekend" said brother. "I don't know which day, I'll let you know" he said. I said, "ok, I'm free all day Sunday and can get there at 9am and spend full day with you sorting stuff". I said I was busy Saturday.

Next thing I hear is "I've got all weekend free so we (him, sil and nephew) are coming Saturday (🤷 yes he knew I was free Sunday so...) "We've hired a van" he says. "We want to put everything in storage".

Fine said I. But one request, please please leave all mums clothes which are in her bedroom, because I really want to look through them myself. Om another occasion I had specifically also asked him to leave her coats which were in downstairs cupboard.

Ok says brother. I reiterated this request several times and he definitely knew my wishes

There is loads of shit at my mum's house with no sentimental value that would have been really usefully sorted out while the van was there - old treadmill and arm chair needed driving to a skip or charity shop, entire contents of shed could have been taken somewhere (tip, charity, storage).

What happened? Sil decided to sort through all my mum's personal possessions - all the clothes - her pants draw, socks, bra drawyer, sorted all her tops and trousers and boxes everything up for storage. The whole.of the upstairs (mums bedroom and spare room) she boxed up and they took everything to storage. They also took all her coats and left everything else in the cupboard. I have no idea where this storage place is. I didn't want it, they did.

I am so so sad and was really really angry with my brother. He said "we worked our arses of Saturday" - yes I know, but I'd rather you hadn't. I'd rather you waited for me. I'd rather if you had done anything at all on Saturday that you had cleared the shit that I don't care about.

I hate the thought that sil has been through all my mum's stuff. All her private stuff. Brother thinks it's all fine, it's not like they've thrown the clothes away or anything.

I'm super sad. I wanted to potter round in mums bedroom, fold her things, sniff her smell on her jumpers one last time. Now I won't get to do that

Why the f couldn't they have waited for me. It's the only thing I asked them to leave alone

That's out of order. They purposely did the only thing you asked them not to do? I cannot imagine a reasonable explanation for that. I'm so sorry they did that OP

I think he’s an arse. It’s taken my DB and I eighteen months to go through my DM’s things. We have families but the two of us have mostly just gone through it together. My SIL won’t have done this in a million years.

I am so sorry OP, that is such unfeeling behaviour on their part and I totally understand why you feel so sad and angry about it. I would feel the same in your place.

I realise you’re working through your grief so I don’t mean this in the sense of you being in the wrong, only in the sense of pointing out how it might look to your brother and so why he might have acted as he did.

You live nearby and have had 8 months to do sorting that was important to you, but you haven’t. You seem to have had a clear idea of what you wanted him to do and what you wanted to do without reference to what he wanted out of it. It’s possible he finds this pretty controlling and gets in the way of him grieving. The coming up on the day you weren’t available may have been to do with when the van was available or their convenience or not wanting to do all that physical work the day before going back to work. But it may have been because he wanted to be in the house without you there so he could take it in at his own pace.

it doesn’t sound like anything’s been got rid of. Just stored. So you can still go through it yourself if that will really help. Just ask him for details on the storage place. But maybe you just need to spend a little time at the house and say goodbye to her. Then if there’s something specific you remember that you’d like that was packed away, ask your SiL if she can help you locate it.

I understand the disappointment, but the real issue is losing your mum, you and your brother both have to deal with that and you should try and cut each other plenty of slack in doing it. Not just for his sake, but for yours too. Anger/disappointment/etc. at him isn’t going to help you.

I think this is a good point.

I am also confused as to why you are just moving it into storage and not dealing with it (and yes, I have had to clear out my parents house and I know what an emotional and difficult thing it is to do).

I completely understand why you are angry and sad about this. They should have respected your request. I hope her smell is still there and you get to hold and treasure her personal items for your goodbye. Lots of hugs.

You miss the point. OP wanted to see it all in situ - to touch, see and ‘sniff’ the clothes and say goodbye.

@SuperTiredAgain - I totally get it. It was hugely comforting for me to be able to do exactly what you described after my mother’s passing and before my sister despatched everything to the charity shop or skip.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

What is the point of putting it into storage?

And who is going to pay the storage costs?

I would have been cross too.

especially your sister in law going through your mums stuff like that. It was insensitive of her when she knew the clothes had special meaning to you.

i would have to explain to her why I was upset. I am sure if it was her mum she wouldn’t want an in law taking on what you considered to be such an intimate task.

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your feelings here are valid.

They deliberately did the opposite of what you asked? Awful ffs how hard is it to just don't touch the clothing

Ask for access to the storage unit to "put things in" and take the clothes out

I agree there is no point in storage for storage sake

You only made one request, a very small proportion of the house. YANBU to be upset.

Why has it taken so long to sort? If the stuff was that precious to you then why did you not do it sooner? It is totally crap of you brother and sister in law but I do feel you've left it far too long to complain about it too much.

In my experience men can be very clueless regarding the emotional side of things. I think your DB probably followed the wife's lead. Honestly, I pictured her going trough everything to hide the jewellery in her pocket but maybe I'm biased because my SIL is related to the devil and satan (when she kicks the bucket and they do an autopsy they're going to find horns under her hair...).
Talk to your DB, ask where the storage is. Tbh I find it really weird that you don't know where everything was taken to. Once you know where it is and you've been (and taken what you want), call him again and give him a piece of your mind. Don't hold it in, have a go at him because what he and his misses did was completely inappropriate and they're both dickheads.

I completely feel for you, @SuperTiredAgain.

My mum died just a few years ago — of all of us, she and I were by far the most close. Always were.
One day shortly after she passed, my DSister texted and said my 2 DNs had cleaned out her home as a surprise to DS and me. I immediately saw through this as only DS had a key.
They threw away items of much sentimental value and gave away items they had no business giving away, like gifts I had given DM.
It was hurtful and really made me angry, yet I was powerless to do anything.
It was the lying that hurt me the most — I mean, why? Why would you lie about that unless you had ill intentions?

I read that your mother died last September & now it is May.

Both you & your brother have lost your mother, & in that time have not agreed how to manage your mother’s estate & close matters outstanding. These things take time & ideally we take the time we need to work through the practicalities & emotional complexities. But, & I say this gently, sometimes we may veer towards self-indulgence of our grief & isolate ourselves from the realities of life (e.g. selling of the house, paying bills) & the equal needs of others to resolve their bereavement. Your brother has also lost his mothers & is your equal partner in managing the practicalities after your mother’s death, & that means effective communication is needed to get this done.

@Discovereads puts this very well.

But time does move us on, it may seem like your brother has ambushed you but possibly he has become exasperated by the inertia between you & seized the day. Understandably you are shocked & hurt by the abruptness of this change, & that he seemed to acknowledge your personal requests but did not honour them.

All is not lost as nothing has been thrown away, although this may be challenging to accept.

I suggest that you move swiftly to get details of access to the lockup & get down there as soon as you can. Set your self the fixed task of taking just a few things that remind you of your mum. Do not go through everything bit by bit in the storage unit - this will wear you out & make a mockery of what you are setting out to achieve - keeping the essence of your mum a something for you to cherish.

Like many pps on this thread, I have cleared houses - three houses of parents & grandparents, & bizarrely it does get easier with practice. What I learned is that we all surround ourselves with stuff that really we cannot be arsed to get rid of & really would not want people to hang to in our name when we are gone.

So, buy your self a beautiful box to keep the most special & evocative things of your mums, such as her favourite scarf, bottle of scent, hairbrush, spectacles, jewellery, photographs, ornament, favourite jumper. The things that she liked & used most often - her essence & scent will be there, kept safe in a nice box with you. Be selective, get this done first.

After that, it will be easier & faster to go through everything else because you already have what you need & prefer. Take care to only choose & take home what is ‘essential’ of your mother to you.

The reason I urge focused action now is that storage has to be paid for. Who is paying this bill & for how long? You need to get what you want & need out of the storage into your possession as soon as you can, & make sure that you do not incur any of the storage costs.

Paid storage is a short term solution for unresolved work or letting go of stuff.
That your brother has elected to sign up a storage contract for unfiltered stuff suggests that he felt impelled to act.

I'm sorry to say that your SIL is a boundary-trampling bitch and your brother is a chinless wonder.

I'd probably not speak to either of them again.

Thanks everyone.

Re the storage and why taken so long ...

So we both just left the house exactly as it was for months. No reason really, we just saw no pressure to move anything and both r very busy with our own jobs and families etc .. We've been keeping it nice. I've been getting the Gardner to go round and keep garden tidy. I've popped in a few times for a coffee and just to feel like mum's with me, throw out the post etc... I think we wanted to clear it together and wait til both were ready. There was no expectation on either side that we'd start clearing until house had offer on it (If anything, my brother thinks now is too soon.)

We agreed that once we had an offer on the house we would set aside some weekends to clear it before completion. As it happens, we only put the house on the market in mid march and the sale has gone through very quickly and we under a bit of time pressure now to move things before we complete the sale in a couple.of weeks.

I suggested a few weeks ago that we make a couple of weekends - one to decide together on piles - charity shop, skip, sell, undecided, keep etc... Then chose another weekend to start moving stuff. I suggested calling British heart Foundation for big stuff etc.. and I'd hire a skip for rubbish. We met and started clearing, but we didn't get far as everything we looked at brother wanted to keep (even old bits of paper, old diaries, cutlery, old envelopes, everything. Everything I suggested as skip he wasn't keen. Things I wanted to throw he didnt. Even if he agreed to throw something, apparently I put it in the wrong bin (not recycling or recycling when it shouldn't be - I really was trying my best, but seemed to be doing everything wrong from his perspective).

I understand his fear of letting go and don't mind, brother cannot throw anything or give anything away, so he and his wife decided not to go with my plan and instead they would hire a storage facility and basically put everything there. They recognise this is their decision and have paid for it. But I feel they've taken over everything now. Anything I try and touch my brother wants to see it first, so I can't pack anything or tidy anything. I wanted to help this weekend but wasn't free til Sunday. I don't know why they decided to come Saturday knowing I wasn't free. All I asked was that they leave the clothes for me. I wouldn't have taken them anywhere, given them away or anything. I might have asked for a few bits to keep, but the rest I'd have boxed up for him to have in his storage place if that's what he wanted. He agreed and said it's fine as he doesn't mind what happens to the clothes. It's the only thing I asked they didn't touch when they came up Saturday with the van. I hate the thought of my sil going through my mums.private stuff. I'd never dream of doing that if my mil passed away.

Sorry for your loss. It does sound insensitive. However like others I’m not sure why it took so long for you to act and perhaps that’s why your brother acted? I also don’t understand the purpose of putting clothes in storage. Perhaps they’re doing that for you if you’re still not able yet to go through your mum’s things.

The whole house to clear and they went through her personal things when you had asked them not to. Very suspicious.

@IDreamOfTheMoors "Why would you lie about that unless you had ill intentions?" I'm with you on this. Money, money, money!
It was like this between my DM and her brother. He couldn't be bothered to change DGM's diaper or keep her company so my DM could have a break and go on holiday but when my mom put her in a nursing home for 4 weeks so she could go on holiday (because it was a minimun of a month even though my mom went away for less than 10 days), her DB who had been nowhere to be seen for ages suddenly showed up and was annoyed that money was being wasted this way. He couldn't be bothered to visit her for tea (not once in years) yet he wasn't too busy to keep tabs on her money! Some people are just plain evil.

Did they interpret your request to sort through your mums clothes yourself as you wanted to sort what was kept/given to charity etc and so by boxing them ALL up they were in thier minds putting the stuff you wanted to sort to one side in storage out the way so the rest of the stuff in the house can now be gotten on with? They thought they would put the stuff you had specifically said you wanted to sort out of the way so it is easier to see what is left to deal with? It doesn’t sound like you made it clear you wanted to sort it out exactly where it was one ardrobes etc but more that you just wanted to sort it and make sure nothing you wanted to keep was thrown away?

I think that's really crap of them and I get why you are so upset.

I had to go through my MILs personal possessions when she died as SiL and BIl (her other children) live abroad and it was the first lockdown.
They were happy to get a house clearance firm in when lockdown lifted but DH and I couldn't bear the thought of strangers touching her most private things. Also the clearance people are from the same small village so she would have hated them poking though her stuff. I was glad I could do something to help but I wasn't particularly comfortable doing it as some things were so personal to her but I think she'd have preferred me to the clearance company.

Sounds like there’s a back story here OP? Sorry to sound uncaring but if you live near to the house and really wanted to do this, why did you not do it before your brother came (ie some time between September and May?).

I do know how it is grieving for your mum (I still am 10 years on) and I am so sorry for your loss. I’m the one who had to take control of sorting through my mums belongings as the rest of my family would have tried to ignore for as long as possible-just their way of dealing with grief but not exactly helpful when things need done. Perhaps your brother is seeing things from a more practical perspective?

I’m also suspicious, were they looking for her jewellery or some cash hidden somewhere? Why did they go through the only section you asked them to leave? I’m not surprised you’re hurt, I would be too. Have you asked your brother why he ignored your requests?

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

How incredibly thoughtless of your brother. How stupid and insensitive do you have to be. You were pretty clear with your brother. I don’t think its a miscommunication. If my SIL went through my mums stuff like that, I’d hit the roof - with your brother, not her.

Take care OP 🌸