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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the hell do you do in this situation?

90 replies

bibbidibbobbidybo · 22/05/2022 13:23

Posting so I can try give advice to a lovely friend of mine who is suffering and at a loss as to what she can do.

Il keep it as short as I can.

DF (friend) bought house cash with inheritance a couple of years ago and put partners name on the deeds also (not married) they have 2 DC.

Relationship needs to end, he is controlling, a bully, manipulator and I believe mentally abusive. Poor DF is in bits things are not good at home at all.

Her partner is the breadwinner she is a SAHM and has no income at all other than money partner will send her for things (again very controlling)

She wants to end the relationship but he will not leave the house unless she agrees to sell and give him 50%. He already has quite a high paid job and savings where as DF has nothing but the house as she put all her money into that and also gave up working to please him. She is primary career to the children and when I say that she does 99.9% of everything with the children.

She has nowhere she can go, and cannot claim any benefits until he's left the house which he will not do. She doesn't want to give him 50% as that will leave her struggling to buy another House and would most definitely mean the children will have to move schools and areas.

Please could anyone offer any advice as to what would be her best options in this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbidibbobbidybo · 23/05/2022 19:08

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 18:38

I also don't understand why the "he wouldn't let me work, he told me the relationship would be over if I did" holds water when she's leaving anyway?

While she is still living in the home he will offer no support with the children, no money towards childcare (deposits, months up front for nursery etc) he won't give her fuel money, he will make life unbareable.

I know it's hard to understand but this is a lady who gave up her career and has lost a lot of confidence and all independence. If I could offer more financial support to her I would but unfortunately I'm unable to.

We also have school holidays coming up and as he will not help towards childcare cost I'm not sure how she would even afford the nursery even while earning.

As I mentioned before no contact with any family anymore.

OP posts:
Bonheurdupasse · 23/05/2022 19:21

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 18:36

So if she can prove that he only has 50% legal ownership due to Undue Influence
How would someone with full mental capacity prove such a thing?

@Johnnysgirl
There is case law on this, it can be done by people who were compos mentis if they were in a vulnerable position relative to the other party.
Legal advice received at the time would however work against that. However the coercive control if provable would work against that (legal advice) again.
It would be very case specific.

Octomore · 23/05/2022 19:28

Hopefully with good legal advice she may be able to prove coercion, it sadly things are stacked against her.

She effectively gave him half the house when she put him on the deeds, whereas he has never signed over any rights to his assets

SlightlyGeordieJohn · 23/05/2022 19:53

bibbidibbobbidybo · 23/05/2022 19:04

Unfortunately this isn't an option as he won't allow her to work. He worries about her being around other men in the work place (she's never gave him any reason to) and this is a big point of tension in the relationship. If she even mentions it then it turns into explosive rows. He has told her she is never to work while they are together. Children are 2 and 4 and without help towards childcare she would be working for nothing until they are older so right now it wouldn't help the situationSad

I think at this point and after making some calls she's going to put the house up and walk away with 50%, rent and hopefully get back on her feet.

Show quote history

She doesn’t need his permission to work.

Testina · 23/05/2022 20:45

@SlightlyGeordieJohn “She doesn’t need his permission to work” - in what way is that a useful contribution to the thread? Especially posted after quoting the ways in which the husband stops her?

TheHumanExperience · 23/05/2022 20:46

It would be good if she could gather all the evidence she needs. This way she can take it with her. Women's Aid is a good place to start. I'm sure if he has control of all the purse string, she hasn't got money for a soliciter. Evidence is always key. Text messages, Emails, voice messages, bank statements, proof of inheritance and where the money was withdrawn for the house purchase etc etc

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 20:48

Testina · 23/05/2022 20:45

@SlightlyGeordieJohn “She doesn’t need his permission to work” - in what way is that a useful contribution to the thread? Especially posted after quoting the ways in which the husband stops her?

Op says she's leaving him, why would a threat to end the relationship if she gets a job hold any weight now?

Original poster
bibbidibbobbidybo · 24/05/2022 13:52

@Johnnysgirl

While I understand what you are saying sometimes it's not as cut and dry and it would seem.

My friend has now been out of work for over 6 years, she has lost a lot of confidence, she has 0 money. He sends her money for fuel and buys her clothes (part of the control I've spoke about) she is still living in the house with him until they are able to sell it. He will not help with childcare at all and is often out of the house from 8am to 11pm (straight to pub after work) he has said he will take all the clothes he's bought her which will leave her with nothing. She has no family to help support her. She doesn't have enough money to even get the children into nursery at the moment and the reality of it is that at the moment it is just not a viable option. She has lived with years of abuse and control and it's very scary having to leave your home, take your children, start from scratch with no money and very little support.

So while I appreciate that technically she could get a job at the moment your comment is not helpful as the most important thing right now is getting her and the children away from him and making sure she walks away with something. He has already told her that she is finished if she goes through this and he will take everything she has. I'm not sure she's in the mental space to go to work right now.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 24/05/2022 14:02

Fair enough, op.

Realistically, though, all she's going to walk away with is her 50% of the house value. The rest is his.

OhamIreally · 24/05/2022 15:11

Your poor friend. This level of coercive control is a crime now. It's not legal to treat another person like this.
Can she ask Women's aid what the likelihood is of a conviction if she goes to the police?

Do you know if he's working PAYE or self employed?

billy1966 · 24/05/2022 23:54

It is a crime.

I wonder would it be worth the OP going to the police and asking advice from them.

Bogeyes · 25/05/2022 03:25

Was she bullied or coerced into putting his name on the deeds? Legal advice needed here

JanglyBeads · 25/05/2022 07:29

Financial abuse included in Coercive Control law which came into force last year; this article links to how various banks etc are tackling it

news.trust.org/item/20210429151515-6tobl/

TunaSalad · 25/05/2022 14:06

Ah sorry I under estimated the situation there. I know when my ex was in the @Mr Wonderful Oh So Sorry' phase, I could have gotten away with a little more than usual.
I see that's not the case here.

Such a horrible state of affairs to be trapped in this situation, your poor friend.

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