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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the hell do you do in this situation?

90 replies

bibbidibbobbidybo · 22/05/2022 13:23

Posting so I can try give advice to a lovely friend of mine who is suffering and at a loss as to what she can do.

Il keep it as short as I can.

DF (friend) bought house cash with inheritance a couple of years ago and put partners name on the deeds also (not married) they have 2 DC.

Relationship needs to end, he is controlling, a bully, manipulator and I believe mentally abusive. Poor DF is in bits things are not good at home at all.

Her partner is the breadwinner she is a SAHM and has no income at all other than money partner will send her for things (again very controlling)

She wants to end the relationship but he will not leave the house unless she agrees to sell and give him 50%. He already has quite a high paid job and savings where as DF has nothing but the house as she put all her money into that and also gave up working to please him. She is primary career to the children and when I say that she does 99.9% of everything with the children.

She has nowhere she can go, and cannot claim any benefits until he's left the house which he will not do. She doesn't want to give him 50% as that will leave her struggling to buy another House and would most definitely mean the children will have to move schools and areas.

Please could anyone offer any advice as to what would be her best options in this situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbidibbobbidybo · 22/05/2022 19:24

Thank you so much for all of the comments.

Some really good advice,

Unfortunately due to his control she gave up her career and relays solely on him, no joint account etc she has to ask for every Penny. The child benefit goes into his account also.

I'm going to see her tomorrow and try to make a plan and il help as much as I can. She's a fabulous mum and lovely lady it's breaking my heart to see her suffer.

OP posts:
Original poster
bibbidibbobbidybo · 22/05/2022 19:24

Thank you so much for all of the comments.

Some really good advice,

Unfortunately due to his control she gave up her career and relays solely on him, no joint account etc she has to ask for every Penny. The child benefit goes into his account also.

I'm going to see her tomorrow and try to make a plan and il help as much as I can. She's a fabulous mum and lovely lady it's breaking my heart to see her suffer.

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 22/05/2022 19:41

It's very hard to displace a 50/50 split in a joint tenancy unless you have clear evidence you intended to have it differently.

Being off the deeds and having paid sone if the deposit is easier to prove you should own some. )ie the opposite situation)

Stack v dowden is the leading case where it went 65/35 to the last but they had very separate finances.

Babyroobs · 22/05/2022 20:53

Even if he was entitled to something from the house, she may be able to get a court order to stay there with the kids until they leave education. A least that would give her time to come up with a plan to buy him out of his share. How old are the kids?

Newmumatlast · 22/05/2022 20:57

bibbidibbobbidybo · 22/05/2022 13:23

Posting so I can try give advice to a lovely friend of mine who is suffering and at a loss as to what she can do.

Il keep it as short as I can.

DF (friend) bought house cash with inheritance a couple of years ago and put partners name on the deeds also (not married) they have 2 DC.

Relationship needs to end, he is controlling, a bully, manipulator and I believe mentally abusive. Poor DF is in bits things are not good at home at all.

Her partner is the breadwinner she is a SAHM and has no income at all other than money partner will send her for things (again very controlling)

She wants to end the relationship but he will not leave the house unless she agrees to sell and give him 50%. He already has quite a high paid job and savings where as DF has nothing but the house as she put all her money into that and also gave up working to please him. She is primary career to the children and when I say that she does 99.9% of everything with the children.

She has nowhere she can go, and cannot claim any benefits until he's left the house which he will not do. She doesn't want to give him 50% as that will leave her struggling to buy another House and would most definitely mean the children will have to move schools and areas.

Please could anyone offer any advice as to what would be her best options in this situation?

She should go and see a solicitor. Unfortunately she should never have put him on the deeds. It would be difficult without any evidence as to % intention agreed between the parties to get away from a 50/50 split

Newmumatlast · 22/05/2022 21:00

Threetulips · 22/05/2022 16:47

He wouldn’t get 50% as he has two children who need a roof over their heads.
She needs a lot of paperwork and a decent solicitor.

Thats not necessarily correct. He may get 50% but deferred i.e. not order for sale right now

AhNowTed · 22/05/2022 21:01

Obviously what the hell was she thinking (god this is depressingly common) but I'm glad she has a friend like you to help her out of this awful situation.

knittingaddict · 22/05/2022 21:03

Favouritefruits · 22/05/2022 15:48

She needs to tell him she wants half his pension, he’ll soon change his tune.

She's not entitled to half his pension if they aren't married.

He may be entitled to half of the equity of the house if he's on the deeds.

burnoutbabe · 22/05/2022 21:04

They are not his kids though?

But generally they would order a sale unless there are very specific reasons why those kids need to go to a particular local school (disabilities etc)

Andromachehadabadday · 22/05/2022 21:09

An occupation order is rare. Very rare when they aren’t married and lots of women regret them when it comes to sell.

Theres quite a few threads on here where women wished they hadn’t. They had to cover the mortgage, upkeep etc to give their ex a big chunk of cash at the end of it.

Crazycatlady83 · 22/05/2022 21:19

Andromachehadabadday · 22/05/2022 21:09

An occupation order is rare. Very rare when they aren’t married and lots of women regret them when it comes to sell.

Theres quite a few threads on here where women wished they hadn’t. They had to cover the mortgage, upkeep etc to give their ex a big chunk of cash at the end of it.

I think you are getting confused between a "Mesher Order" (deferred house sale on separation to allow one person to live in property until children are 18 and then sale) and a Occupation Order where a abusive partner is removed from the family home. These are normally time limited for 1 year (to allow proceedings to commence for divorce or sale of the house etc) Not rare at all and can't think of one person who ever regretted having a abusive partner removed from the family home

Original poster
bibbidibbobbidybo · 22/05/2022 21:20

they are not married but both children are his. He is truly awful I just wish I could click my fingers for her to take her out of this situation. My door is open but she is reluctant to leave the home as if she does he will stay and she and the kids are going to struggle to find anything as she is isolated from all family and social housing waiting lists are upwards of 3!years. Such a crap situation that money in the house is the only thing she has and he won't help towards childcare cost for her to get back into work and without a penny it's just so difficult for her to get on her feet

OP posts:
SlightlyGeordieJohn · 22/05/2022 21:22

Favouritefruits · 22/05/2022 15:48

She needs to tell him she wants half his pension, he’ll soon change his tune.

What possible right would she have to his pension?

Johnnysgirl · 22/05/2022 21:26

bibbidibbobbidybo · 22/05/2022 21:20

they are not married but both children are his. He is truly awful I just wish I could click my fingers for her to take her out of this situation. My door is open but she is reluctant to leave the home as if she does he will stay and she and the kids are going to struggle to find anything as she is isolated from all family and social housing waiting lists are upwards of 3!years. Such a crap situation that money in the house is the only thing she has and he won't help towards childcare cost for her to get back into work and without a penny it's just so difficult for her to get on her feet

It sounds very difficult, but she must have known that in putting him on the deeds he now owns half the house?
There's no point in not facing this, there's no way round it now.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/05/2022 21:26

I’d start with womens aid.

She can definitely claim benefits even with him in the house - this is a very common scenario.

Does she have her own bank account?? I’d also look into switching child benefit to be paid into that. If he kicks off, call the police.

AhNowTed · 22/05/2022 21:31

How did she become isolated from her family?

Let me guess.. he didn't like them, they disapproved of him, so she cut them off.

God it's so depressingly familiar.

billy1966 · 22/05/2022 21:34

I think she has to make it very clear when getting legal advice and calling Women's aid that she was forced by him to put him on the deeds.
Clearly against her best interests.
He does not share his assets.
He is financially abusive.
She is not allowed to work.

She needs to be very firm and immovable that she was forced to put him on the deeds.

That is coercive control and her best chance of helping herself is to be very clear on this point.

Sunshinegirl82 · 22/05/2022 21:34

This sounds like a really difficult situation. It would probably be worth calling this organisation:

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

She might be able to get some help from them and if court action is necessary it might be possible to consider instructing a barrister on a Direct Access basis which can be cheaper.

www.directaccessportal.co.uk

cestlavielife · 23/05/2022 11:11

She needs to report him fir coercive control
Maybe go to a refuge
And fight for her share of house from there
But she has to tell it as it is
If he kicks off call police
That might even help with evidence if he does kick off

Andromachehadabadday · 23/05/2022 12:00

Crazycatlady83 · 22/05/2022 21:19

I think you are getting confused between a "Mesher Order" (deferred house sale on separation to allow one person to live in property until children are 18 and then sale) and a Occupation Order where a abusive partner is removed from the family home. These are normally time limited for 1 year (to allow proceedings to commence for divorce or sale of the house etc) Not rare at all and can't think of one person who ever regretted having a abusive partner removed from the family home

Show quote history

You are right. It’s the wrong terminology, I actually quoted someone above who mentioned an occupation order until the kids are older. But due to crappy mums et it didn’t pull through. That’s why I used the term occupation order. But also, you are incorrect I didn’t use mesher order, because they don’t apply if you aren’t married.

You know full well, since you knew what I was talking about I wasn’t referencing having an abusive partner removed when I talked about regret. Since I listed why people regret it. They often find that when it comes time to sell, their earning potential hasn’t increased by enough and they are priced out of the market.

Onlyhuman123 · 23/05/2022 12:03

I haven't read all the responses so I may be repeating some but surely, if she was 'forced' to give up her career, she can demonstrate that she is therefore dependant on her partners income...she can therefore claim his pension. I'm sure he'll soon change his mind about having half the property value when he has to give up, possibly more than 50% of his pension.

Johnnysgirl · 23/05/2022 12:05

Onlyhuman123 · 23/05/2022 12:03

I haven't read all the responses so I may be repeating some but surely, if she was 'forced' to give up her career, she can demonstrate that she is therefore dependant on her partners income...she can therefore claim his pension. I'm sure he'll soon change his mind about having half the property value when he has to give up, possibly more than 50% of his pension.

She can't possibly prove she was forced to stop work, many women become sahm's through choice.
And they're not married, nothing entitles her to his pension.

Ottersmith · 23/05/2022 12:16

She needs to call the police so that he goes to jail for coercive control and emotional abuse. That would be the first step.

user1471462115 · 23/05/2022 12:19

And get the child benefit in her name, to give her the pension contributions towards state pension.

HogInAManger · 23/05/2022 12:48

As others have said, your friend needs urgent legal advice. She might be able to get legal aid in view of the income and DA issues with a view to getting an occupation order to remove DP from the home.

Re the home, assuming it is in England and it is registered in the parties’ names at the land registry, the legal ownership is joint, (either 50/50 equity or a stated percentage of equity if tenants in common).

The starting point for the courts is that the beneficial ownership (ownership of the equity in the home) mirrors the legal ownership.

To get 100% ownership of the home back your friend will have to ask the court to disregard the legal ownership. There are some precedents in your friend’s situation but it is a very difficult and costly process to argue in court. This requires expert legal advice costing tens of thousands of pounds

Frankly, your friend’s best course of action is to seek free advice (via legal aid or from Shelter as a starting point). . Then sit tight, get an occupation order and make the other party take action to pursue their claim on the house (if they are so minded).