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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not forgive friend's DH for DV

61 replies

Oysterbabe · 22/05/2022 13:23

A couple of years ago a friend's DH beat her up and threw her down the stairs. She required hospital treatment but made a full recovery. He was arrested and they split up. Several months later they quietly got back together.

Today we met coffee and she brought him with her. It's the first time I've seen him since it happened. I was coldly civil. AIBU for not forgiving him when she has?

OP posts:
bellac11 · 22/05/2022 13:28

Yes because its for you to forgive or not forgive.

You dont know whats happened in terms of therapy, change, remorse etcetc

Despite the general narrative,, domestic abusers can change, it is very unusual and doesnt happen often but it does happen sometimes. This might be one of those times who knows

orwellwasright · 22/05/2022 13:28

Such a difficult one. If you come away from them as a couple you risk alienating her. She's going to need her friends for the next time he tries to kill her.

bellac11 · 22/05/2022 13:28

I meant its NOT for you to forgive or not forgive.

CandyApplePie · 22/05/2022 13:29

It’s not up to you to forgive imo, I wouldn’t like him either but I would be civil and that’s it.

orwellwasright · 22/05/2022 13:29

bellac11 · 22/05/2022 13:28

Yes because its for you to forgive or not forgive.

You dont know whats happened in terms of therapy, change, remorse etcetc

Despite the general narrative,, domestic abusers can change, it is very unusual and doesnt happen often but it does happen sometimes. This might be one of those times who knows

Lol. Insane advice.

EarringsandLipstick · 22/05/2022 13:31

Seriously bellac1? 🤦🏻‍♀️

I would do what you did OP - and it would be an effort. Coldly civil, just to keep lines of communication with your friend open. For the next time. 😔

Chikapu · 22/05/2022 13:32

Why did she bring him with her? I think that's worrying given the history. You're not obliged to forgive him and I think most people wouldn't want to be around him. I honestly can't fathom get back together with someone who's capable of what he did.

FlowersFlowersEverywhere · 22/05/2022 13:33

The fact she brought him with her would be a red flag to me - if it was supposed to be just the two of you meeting up, why didn’t she come on her own? I wouldn’t have been civil, to be honest. Whether she has got back with him or not, I don’t have to like, or speak to, a man capable of DV, and neither do you.

Isaidnoalready · 22/05/2022 13:33

I would remain civil but be prepared for her to drop you as a friend as your not following the narrative

Lavenderlast · 22/05/2022 13:33

Yanbu for not forgiving the unforgivable, but you were perhaps unwise to show him how you feel. DV abusers usually cut their victims off from those who might support/encourage them to leave. I suspect she didn’t bring him to coffee, he insisted on coming. Red flag. He’ll control all of her friendships and if he senses hostility he’ll try to end the friendship. Be careful what text messages you send to her, he is probably reading them.

Abusers don’t suddenly turn into nice guys. He will hurt her again. All you can do is be someone she can run to for help when she needs it and not let him cut you off.

Blarting · 22/05/2022 13:34

Tough one, you don't want to fall out with your friend, because despite what @bellac11 says, statistically he will be violent to her again. You need to be there for her then.

So, I know it's hard but be "ok", you can be calling him every cunt in the world in your head, but outwardly be ok.

Good luck.

Peoniesandcream · 22/05/2022 13:36

I would be the same. Just because she's stupid enough to go back to him and put herself in danger doesn't mean you need to forgive and forget.

orwellwasright · 22/05/2022 13:38

Do you know if your friend did the freedom programme or got any similar support?

LactoseTheIntolerant · 22/05/2022 13:38

I don't know to be honest, I've had almost exactly the same thing happen with a friend. They are still together and she just acts like nothings ever happened, I know it's none of my business, but surely true friends care enough to not want to see their friend hurt! I'm just aware if I were to say anything she would probably end the friendship yet just after it happened she desperately needed friends to be there for her, so I sort of feel damned if I do, damned if I don't iyswim.

ElenaSt · 22/05/2022 13:42

I will tell her straight that I don't ever want to meet him in any kind of social situation but I'm happy to see her and chat to her whenever she wants.

pigsDOfly · 22/05/2022 13:43

Ignore the posters picking up on the word forgiving OP.

I think most people reading your OP would understand what you mean by 'forgiving' him and no I couldn't either.

One of my DD's husband's has treated her extremely unpleasantly in the past. Not DV level but nasty things calculated to hurt and bully her. And although she seems to see his behaviour as acceptable I can't forgive him for his treatment of her.

All you can do is be there for your friend when she needs you in the future, as she will.

Meanwhile be civil to him but that's as far as you need to go.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 22/05/2022 13:43

Abusers never change. It will happen again as sadly it always does.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 22/05/2022 13:45

ElenaSt · 22/05/2022 13:42

I will tell her straight that I don't ever want to meet him in any kind of social situation but I'm happy to see her and chat to her whenever she wants.

I agree with @ElenaSt

resuwen · 22/05/2022 13:47

Your personal feelings for him (and everyone else) are your own business. YABVU for making any kind of atmosphere with him though, the only person this will impact is your poor friend, who will probably be interrogated about what you know, what she has said to you, and most likely find it difficult to spend time with you because of it.

resuwen · 22/05/2022 13:49

ElenaSt · 22/05/2022 13:42

I will tell her straight that I don't ever want to meet him in any kind of social situation but I'm happy to see her and chat to her whenever she wants.

Yes, great. This is what our friends need when in an abusive relationship. Our friends making life even more difficult for us! There's a huge lack of empathy and insight on this thread so far.

Georgeskitchen · 22/05/2022 13:50

YANBU. The fact he came with her is a red flag in my book.
I know of no man, including my OH, who would willingly come along to a girls catch up

Aimee1987 · 22/05/2022 13:53

I would be weary of alienating him and the reason is if he is still controlling ( I'm in the once an abuser always an abuser camp) then you risk alienating her so the next time he does it she has 1 less place to turn.

dworky · 22/05/2022 13:56

She hasn't really forgiven him but hasn't yet managed the immense courage it takes to leave an abuser.
You don't have to & shouldn't forgive him, the vitally important thing is that you keep supporting her & always give her the opportunity to come to you for emotional & practical support, if necessary.

Offer her encouragement to leave him without judgement of her situation as it will only excacerbate her lowered self esteem & the shame that abuse victims feel.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 22/05/2022 13:57

I had the same thing happen a number of years ago. She forgave him. I was horrified and treated him with utter contempt (putting it mildly). In hindsight all I did was make it harder for her to reach out to me if she needed to and very nearly ruined our lifelong friendship. After a couple of years of this she asked me to let it go as I was making her unhappy. They’re still happy 15 years on and he’s not done it again. Him and I are also mates again now although that was very tough going. I wouldn’t act the same way again.

anotherNCsorryfolks · 22/05/2022 14:01

I would of purposely made a point of making uncomfortable talking about periods, the bloody truth of child birth etc etc to put him off attending again.

It's not your job to forgive or forget but I wouldn't be happy that he's controlling her to the point of coming with her to see her friends.