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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not forgive friend's DH for DV

61 replies

Oysterbabe · 22/05/2022 13:23

A couple of years ago a friend's DH beat her up and threw her down the stairs. She required hospital treatment but made a full recovery. He was arrested and they split up. Several months later they quietly got back together.

Today we met coffee and she brought him with her. It's the first time I've seen him since it happened. I was coldly civil. AIBU for not forgiving him when she has?

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 22/05/2022 17:10

Perhaps MN need to have a section where Domestic Violence can be discussed, if it doesn't already exist?

For crying out loud @LookItsMeAgain domestic violence doesn't need to pigeonholed or swept under a convenient carpet any more than is currently is.

It is a real life problem, & need to be discussed in real life settings.
Not consigned to some speciality section, just so that those who don't like it & don't get it can crack on with their nice non-abused lives without having to think too hard about all the unpleasantness.

btw - MN does have a few places where DV can be discussed without so much risk of people making ridiculous statements or dangerous assumptions.
Try the Feminism boards, or Relationships (altho you must surely already be aware of the very popular Relationships boards, where DA, DV, & coercive control are discussed daily? Are you being disingenous?)

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 22/05/2022 17:16

I wouldn't want to risk isolating my friend , chances are he'll do it again. It's bloody hard having to talk to the bastard though

Redruby2020 · 22/05/2022 17:20

bellac11 · 22/05/2022 13:28

Yes because its for you to forgive or not forgive.

You dont know whats happened in terms of therapy, change, remorse etcetc

Despite the general narrative,, domestic abusers can change, it is very unusual and doesnt happen often but it does happen sometimes. This might be one of those times who knows

Okay maybe not for the OP to have to worry about, more her friend. But I couldn't care a less whether a small percentage can change/there is remorse have some self respect that it is just not acceptable! And never proof that they won't do it again.

IncompleteSenten · 22/05/2022 17:20

You are under no obligation to have anything to do with him.
I know I couldn't.

Redruby2020 · 22/05/2022 17:22

orwellwasright · 22/05/2022 13:28

Such a difficult one. If you come away from them as a couple you risk alienating her. She's going to need her friends for the next time he tries to kill her.

Thankyou! I was hoping someone was going to say it as it is. I cannot believe the above posters comment, hence why i had to chip in. I agree it is a difficult situation as the friend is still OP's friend. I guess for a start it would mean being supportive and not meeting up with him in tow!

Redruby2020 · 22/05/2022 17:25

Lavenderlast · 22/05/2022 13:33

Yanbu for not forgiving the unforgivable, but you were perhaps unwise to show him how you feel. DV abusers usually cut their victims off from those who might support/encourage them to leave. I suspect she didn’t bring him to coffee, he insisted on coming. Red flag. He’ll control all of her friendships and if he senses hostility he’ll try to end the friendship. Be careful what text messages you send to her, he is probably reading them.

Abusers don’t suddenly turn into nice guys. He will hurt her again. All you can do is be someone she can run to for help when she needs it and not let him cut you off.

Thankyou! I've had someone I know, say to me, if it's not true that they can change, then why can they switch it on and off 🤔 I was like 🤔 well for that exact reason, because they choose who to do it to, and who they CAN do it to, most importantly.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 22/05/2022 17:27

The level of violence he inflicted was brutal.
I couldn't forgive him, she must have very low self esteem.
The control is already happening him coming out for lunch is telling.

Evilista · 22/05/2022 17:29

I would struggle not to tell him what i thought of him or leave.

Redruby2020 · 22/05/2022 17:29

Georgeskitchen · 22/05/2022 13:50

YANBU. The fact he came with her is a red flag in my book.
I know of no man, including my OH, who would willingly come along to a girls catch up

Exactly lol nor my abusive ex, he wouldn't of come along either and didn't. People thought cos I went out freely on nights out that there was no way he was abusive or controlling, but there are so many different ways in which someone can be abusive.

DinoWoman · 22/05/2022 17:30

Oh, hell no. I would be politely asking to only meet up one on one with your friend going forward. If she queries it then you can always say that it just changes the dynamic when he is there. I wouldn't forgive him and I'd want nothing to do with him.

HikingforScenery · 22/05/2022 17:34

Of course yanbu. I would not want anything to do with her. Why did he come with her? Is he controlling her?

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