To not forgive friend's DH for DV

[Oysterbabe]

A couple of years ago a friend's DH beat her up and threw her down the stairs. She required hospital treatment but made a full recovery. He was arrested and they split up. Several months later they quietly got back together.

Today we met coffee and she brought him with her. It's the first time I've seen him since it happened. I was coldly civil. AIBU for not forgiving him when she has?

I would do the same but do you really think he will allow meet-ups without him being there he will want to know if the conversation is about him,this friend of yours OP is in a very scary situation imo.

Gosh what a dreadful situation! Your poor friend .I read somewhere that it can take up to 7 episodes of DV before a woman leaves her partner.I still think there seems to be a stigma here sadly .In our Society there is not enough support given for DV victims .They are already traumatised and frightened and need to find housing ,"go it alone" and so on .Bullying husbands seem to have a hold over their victims that is difficult to shake off.Give her as much support as you can .He probably didnt want her to meet you alone ,in case she talked to you about this .If she needs you then you are there for her.

@Peoniesandcream stupid?

Why was he there in the first place. Is she not allowed to meet her friend for coffee and a chat without him around. That is what stuck out to me. At least try to be civil so you can still see your friend and be there if needed. It sounds like a tough situation and I would certainly feel similar to you but maybe give him a break for your friends sake.

Bollocks.

That sounds like attempted murder that he's got away with.

Coldly civil so that she still gets to see her friend is the best anybody can do.

Sometimes you have to bite your tongue. Your friends safety is what matters here so be civil and what will be will be. Abusers often want to isolate their victims so don't give him an excuse

How did she broach the idea of bringing him along? What were her reasons? Did she asked if you minded?
My thoughts are that either her or him are very keen for you to see them together and that 'all is well' in their world.
Putting on a 'show' for you? 🤔
I wouldn't have been happy about this at all.

For all the PP informing OP it's not her 'place' to choose not to forgive this man - what are you like?

Do you not love your friends?
If someone beat your friend up & threw her down the stairs, would you not hate them & never forgive them for it?

OP has a really tough job ahead - controlling that hatred so the abusive H never gets to see it. Unfortunately, even being 'coldly polite' is likely to be enough to tip him off. Then he will ensure that he isolates her friend further, wither by directly banning friend from seeing OP - or by manipulations such as inventing untruths about her, shitstirring, sulking or acting out when friend wants to see OP etc.

OP has every right to not forgive this abuser.
But she does need to hone her acting skills if she wants to stay close enough to her friend to be able to help.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

To be honest, if he thought it was ok once to beat his wife and throw her down the stairs, there is nothing, absolutely nothing at all on this planet that would stop him from doing it again.

Had I been in your shoes, as they approached, I would have stood up and said "If you think it's ok to hang around with a wife-beater then that's on you. I supported you during your recovery from the injuries he inflicted. However I don't have to be around him" and I would have left.

I wouldn't raise my voice but I'd say it with a very cold distain in my voice.

I honestly don't understand why women keep going back to the men that abuse them. Over and over and over it happens. I just don't get it.

I find it quite worrying she brought him with her because it indicates he may not want her to socialise on her own. I would speak to her or text and say you cannot socialize with someone who tried to kill another person and you are there for her if she ever wants to reach out.

I think if you suck it up and don't address it, you would be helping normalise the situation for her. I also just wouldn't be able to be around him. She is a grown woman who has choices, she is choosing to get back together with him. Her choices should not force you to socialise with a criminal.

I think you did well, I definitely wouldn't have been civil, would have been too angry. What a dick to come along, basically showing off that he's won and got her back under his control again. Small, dickhead waste of air.

I would not be around a man that beat up a woman. Why did he have to be there, is he controlling her. She is still with an abusive man. I would let her know I would be there to support her leaving him if that was the case but I would not be in his company.

You're absolutely correct @LookItsMeAgain. You don't get it.

Do you know what would happen after your fantasy scenario?
At best - H interrogates friend when he gets her home. Why was your friend so rude why are you talking shit about me is this how you repay me for being your god what is your awful woman's problem you are not allowed to talk to people that diss me how many other people have you been talking to show me your phone & private messages do you realise how much you have hurt me why are you always like this it always has to be all about you you are a selfish cow & your friends are all manhaters you will end up alone you are lucky I put up with you & your ugly face nobody else would have you ...
Even you get the picture I hope.

At worst - all of the above, plus he beats her up again.
While telling her it's her fault for trash-talking him behind his back to manhaters.
And she will not tell you about any of this, because you are not safe or trustworthy, & will do something to get her beaten up again.
Maybe that's all that's important to you - to feel superior & not have to deal with the unpleasantness of supporting a friend.

I honestly don't understand why women keep going back to the men that abuse them.
Then I suggest your get yourself fucking educated before spouting off juvenile & dangerous Heroine Fantasies on threads about domestic violence.
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/im-worried-about-someone-else/

What did you genuinely imagine would be the result of your stupidity if you acted like this in real life? The man falls at your feet, apologising, & promising to mend his ways? Or the woman weeps with awed gratitude, & LTB that very minute?
Pur-lease. Stop with the self-aggrandising posturing already.

Please just make sure she knows she's always got you.

If there was physical abuse and they've got back together within a matter of months I'd strongly suspect psychological abuse too.

She might not need you now but eventually it'll happen again. Make sure you're there for when she does.

@cleareyesfulhearts yup! I put up with my abuser for too long and I was definitely stupid doing that, until I saw sense and realised my safety relied on me escaping.

This

Do you really not understand?

let me help you out a bit.

• children


• fear


• stigma


• not being believed or supported by agencies / authorities


• lack of financial independence


• lack of familial support of friends around to support


• misguided hope that they will change


• that somehow it’s their fault

this is just for starters
be incredibly grateful you don’t understand but educate yourself instead of judging because it is the hardest thing to do as well as statistically the most dangerous course of action

A safeguarding lady recently said thhat it takes aan average of 50 instances of abuse before anyone discloses anything. (that was so true for me).

I tried to talk to people about it but they thought I was being stupid (literally)

I have no point to this post but its worrying thaat your friend is back with him.
Please bear in mind that 50 instances statistic.
I knew all about the free half hour with a solicitor, hide your passport, an average of eight attempts to leave someone. I thought I knew it all but I was so catastrophically wrong.

I just hope your friend is okay and not being controlled.

I didn't know he was coming and he was just there when I got there. Apparently he was meeting someone in town later so thought he'd tag along and they'd travel in together. I was a bit blindsided so maybe didn't deal with it in the optimum way but it's tricky knowing how to be with him.

Wow @KettrickenSmiled !
Just wow!

This AIBU. If the OP wanted a balanced reasonable response, she probably should have posted under "Relationships". Perhaps MN need to have a section where Domestic Violence can be discussed, if it doesn't already exist?

I'm entitled (however misguided) to my opinion and you are not allowed to tear me to shreds for typing that opinion. Fine, you may not agree with that opinion, but I'm not swearing at you. I didn't swear in my post either and I'm trying really hard to not tell you where to go with your pseudo-psychobabble.

Why would getting up and leaving if I saw the two of them approaching would be 'fantasy'? Perhaps I wouldn't speak to them, I would be thinking those things, (which in itself would be considered rude) but I don't have to spend my time with them if I was only expecting to meet her.

Sorry @Oysterbabe for the thread being derailed by people focussing on my posts and not the situation you found yourself in.

I don't think you did anything wrong either. Be frosty, don't include him in the conversation, block him out. Be there for your friend, if you feel you can be. You owe him nothing.

As for the others, you don't know my situation. Probably best if you don't make assumptions.

I'll bow out of this thread and wish you and your friend all the best.

Assuming OP doesn't plan to act like the violence never happened, I don't think it's going to help OP or friend if OP is obviously cold to him. I could be civil but not friendly. I'm also not going to condemn anyone who tells him to his face what bad things he's done, either. Like others said, the problem is can you watch your friend choosing to stay with him, building a future with him. This is very difficult. I probably couldn't do it.

Friend took back her cheating husband (for a while) & some other persons in her support network cut her off for that duration. It was a polite "Because I care about you, I can't handle knowing this is in your life so I can't be around you" kind of situation for them.

It’ll be bound to happen again.
The abuse.
Like a volcano, he’ll erupt again and cause harm to a woman.
My friend got back with a nasty abuser- after years apart
She has disappeared.
I just hope wherever she is with their child, she is safe and not a human kickboxing target/punchbag like before.

be very careful with how you communicate your feelings about this to your friend please. If he came to meet you he could be monitoring her, including her messages and calls. If you talk about him, make sure it is in person only when he isn’t there. It’s really hard and it’s unlikely he will ever truly change. She is likely feeling nervous and scared, and very judged which will make her isolated which is what he wants. If you consistently talk negatively on him you are likely to push her away in general. Though having the occasional “I love you, he hurt you, and I don’t want to ruin our friendship, so how do we get through this while you’re dating conversation? I want to support you but for obvious reasons I don’t want to have him forced on me” is maybe a good safe space conversation. The best thing imo you can do is be civil/non committal about him when he’s around/over the phone so he can’t insist she doesn’t see you. Just move the conversation onto other topics. In person try to give her space to talk and let her feel she can trust you. It’s sad but in a year or so she will probably be restarting her life without him, after another attack, and she’s going to need friends she can trust. If you flat out write her off (which you can), he wins. It’s unfortunately so easy for an abuser to win. Hoping she is ok when inevitably this all finishes.

Clearly.

You have no idea what you’re talking about and your holier than thou approach would probably have got your friend beaten up again. Good work.