To hate him

[goodsturdygirl]

I want to separate from my partner. I've told him & why and asked to sell the house, several times. He has ignored everything I've said and is carrying on as normal. I want space and feel like I can't breathe. He went out and kids were being a pain but nothing major. Came home to me stressed but him being there made me feel worse. I didn't say or do anything but I suppose it was obvious from my face and behaviour. He said 'have I done something' (in front of the kids) & I said no it's fine. Then he said it again but sort of towards my eldest. My son said 'maybe just leave her alone'. He kept on and I just said please can you leave me alone. Then he just stood there and stared at me watching as I sorted tea etc out. I said 'what?' & he said 'I'm just trying to work out if I need to call an ambulance or the police, this is very concerning' I fucking hate him so much.

People dont (and shouldnt) just up and leave their partners that they share their whole life with in a trice, plus children together. Its emotionally, physically and financially very difficult. OP sounds like she is working through bits and understanding what she can and cant do.

A brilliant route if she wants to lose custody of her children. Not so good otherwise.

She wouldnt lose custody of her children by doing that but she certainly would lose credibility with the courts in any future court actions

She just needs to go by the book and be sensible. He sounds annoying at worst and therefore OP will have to adapt her ability to manage her feelings for the time that this is being sorted out.

No one 'makes' you feel anything, its how you feel about yourself that is the key.

You say that for my ex-husband behaved absolutely abysmally and suffered absolutely no consequences in court, often the squeaky wheel gets the oil. And let’s face it nobody can take what you haven’t got can they so for all the sanctimonious, being correct that I got to enjoy as part of the moral high ground, the money had gone so that was that.

and the financial situation has absolutely zero impact on child related matters. I repeatedly pointed out in court that not financially supporting his children was a form of child abuse which was utterly ignored.

@ChickensandCows we have zero joint assets anyway (apart from the house). He pays bills and mortgage, I pay pretty much everything else. I pay for my car, child care costs, school lunches, groceries etc. He does buy some groceries too but not a weekly shop or anything.

He's gaslighting and emotionally abusing you.

Record everything.

Get your ducks in a row.

Speak to women's aid and a solicitor.

Take their advice.

It only takes one person to end a relationship. If you desperately want to move and the property is in both your out names then organise a valuation from 2-3 agents. Whilst you have that in motion find your own place (as you say you have funds). Why are you expecting him to organise it when you are the one wanting to move on.

@TokyoTen I don't have the funds. I will only have money if we sell the house.

& I am not expecting him to organise anything! That is such a frustrating thing to hear because if only you knew - I organise everything! I have had two valuations on the house and one viewing. I cleaned the house top to bottom for the viewing while he lay on the sofa hungover. Supposed to have another one next week but he now has a meeting so will have to reschedule.

Talk to womens aid.

I would tell him "we are finished, we're not in a relationship. I want the house sold or you can buy me out you have till xxxxx date to sort what you want to do before I put the house on the market properly. Don't talk to me unless it's about the children or the house. Don't pretend this conversation hasn't happened as that's gaslighting and I will not hesitate to get professionals involved."

I cant work out if you are answering me or not

Not paying child maintenance is not child abuse so of course a statement like that will be ignored

It also depends what you mean by 'suffered no consequences'. I dont mean that OP would suffer consequences in court if she syphoned off money, but her standing in court would be viewed less favourably, judges dont like that sort of beahviour, it doesnt go down well and undermines other arguments.

You really do need legal advice. You cant sell the house without his consent, dont have any more viewings until you have sought advice.

I agree with pp who said talk to Women's Aid. His behaviour is extremely controlling. You also need to talk to a solicitor about the house. It sounds like you need some help to get away from this man. I think Women's Aid will be a good place to start. Do you have a good friend, sister, mum who could help?

Thanks @beastlyslumber no family but I have friends. Just been reluctant to speak to anyone at this stage. I wanted to get everything in place and then say 'we're separating/selling the house' rather than 'everything's gone to shit and I don't know what's happening'.

There’s no point having valuations done if he’s not willing to sell or buy you out.

My ex used to try and pull the mental ill health card but that was about control. He had no intention to fight me for custody or remain in the house. The one constant in my life is that I hate him.

You need legal advice.

There’s no point in having Estate Agents valuation done I would agree but a NIC’s (about £250) valuation is absolutely essential before you get to court because the other trick that they often pull is to down value it if they think they’re gonna give away 70% of the equity because the children need to be housed, often they’d rather give that to a complete stranger, a builder for them to flip it and make profit on … Often the builder is after their friend than allow the mother if their children to provide a roof over the kids head.

It’s going to take a long time to get to court; additional valuations now are just wasting everyone’s time.

I’m sorry I completely disagree this could actually be wrapped up in court within 12 months if she gets a skates on, the point being that the judge will not allow it in the meantime to be sold for any less than the amount stated on the Rics survey. The problem is if the house is worth 300 and he puts it on for 250, she refuses to allow it to sell for that, without the survey he could actually claim that she is frustrating the sale and get costs awarded against her when he gets to court.

i’m giving this advice because I’ve been on the wrong side of it. Rics survey would’ve probably saved me about 70 grand.

I'd be inclined to tell everyone you're separating and are waiting for him to stop sabotaging the house sale. Then he'll be forced to stop ignoring the situation.

You can still claim child benefit though. Its not your problem that HE will have to pay it back

Don't be ridiculous!

Stealing from him, as was implied, is not going to go down well in court, and is also more likely to make him fight for sole custody.

I know that doesn’t match your “you go girl, get that money” attitude, but that doesn’t make it wrong.

She has a history of mental illness, she needs to ensure she gives no reason to open a door to the husband claiming she’s not a good mother.

You need to lawyer up, see a solicitor and also ask about being able to pay the fees from the equity when sold.

Look into to taking out a loan.

Move out, rent. You should be able to claim UC to include housing benefit due to relationship breakdown provided you are taking measures to get your equity.

I’ve come back on to talk about child benefit OP. There is no upper limit to his earnings - he could earn 20 million and you can still claim child benefit. It is paid to you. He will have to pay it back via his tax. Please claim it. This is your money.