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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think relatives expect too much for birthdays

74 replies

Olive180 · 21/05/2022 16:30

Do you think relatives/partners are expecting too much for birthday presents nowdays? Or is this normal? I'm actually having to put significant savings aside to meet some extravagant demands. Personally I'm happy with some chocolates or flowers or something for my bday, perhaps an inexpensive lunch or dinner out.

But... it was recently my dad's 60th and he wanted a gift costing £600 from me and my sibling. He would have sulked like a child that we don't care about him if we didn't get it, despite both of us being on very average salaries.

My mum wants to go for a massage and night's stay at a specific spa hotel for her birthday in October which will probably cost me about £600/700+ for both of us.

(Just to note my parents are working class, comfortable but by no means wealthy, and havent gifted me anything costing over £20/30 for my birthdays for the past 10 years or so).

DP has been hinting he wants tickets to an expensive sporting event this summer for his birthday, which will also require a night's stay in a hotel. Probably looking at another £500. He did take me away for a weekend for my birthday but I didn't ask for it, and he knows I'm very low maintenence!

Sibling wants a new iPhone from family, another £200 for my share.

I do not have this sort of money! None of them do either, so why do they have these expectations?

OP posts:
theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 21/05/2022 16:31

Luckily none of my family have those expectations!

Shinyandnew1 · 21/05/2022 16:32

Nope-I don’t know anyone in my family who would be so cheeky.

RishiRich · 21/05/2022 16:33

It sounds as though you've got into a pattern of giving extravagant presents, which feeds the expectation etc. I think you need a frank conversation with your family, saying that it's got silly and you can't afford it so will be doing thoughtful but inexpensive presents from now on.

anotherNCsorryfolks · 21/05/2022 16:33

My MIL is similar. Always wants large ticket items.

If we don't have it - then we don't have it. Some years we'll spend and other years give her a small present. Never had a sibling ask for large ticket items though my answer would be "your an adult, buy one yourself!"

Shamplade · 21/05/2022 16:33

I don’t know any adults that make requests for their birthday TBH. I see that as for children. Possibly spouses.

DelurkingAJ · 21/05/2022 16:35

Eh? I was asked by my DSis what I wanted and asked for a book…she might add a little something else but that’s about normal based on my friends.

Smartsub · 21/05/2022 16:36

I think your relatives sound bonkers. My parents get something around £30 unless I have a really good idea for something they'd love and push the boat out.

DH and I sometimes splash ed out or sometimes did practically nothing, depending on finances and wants at the time.

DC get less than £100 again, depending on how were placed.

No one has any "expectation" and if they did I wouldn't feel obliged to fulfil it.

If my sister asks what I'd like I tell her a couple of things around £20-30, sometimes she gets them both, sometimes just one, sometimes something else entirely.

Neolara · 21/05/2022 16:39

No one in my family expects this or gives this and they are all loaded. (I'm the poor relative.)

Original poster
Olive180 · 21/05/2022 16:45

I think my parents think me and my sibling are well off because we are in our early/mid 30s, have 'professional' jobs, went to uni and don't have kids yet. But far from it (I'm a standard civil servant and sibling is a teacher). They also spend a lot of time on Facebook and I suspect they see other people boasting about what their families have gifted them blah blah blah and expect the same from us? I don't know where these people get the money from, but I certainly don't want to put myself into debt for the sake of a Facebook brag...

And I think my sibling is trying their luck since they've been forking out so much for my parents!

OP posts:
IglesiasPiggl · 21/05/2022 16:45

We only do gifts for adults for milestone birthdays in our family.

Katela18 · 21/05/2022 16:46

They can ask or expect all they want, you don't need to buy it for them.

I am one of four and since we started getting married and having children there is birthdays every other week. We just discussed what was feasible. We don't buy gifts for each other only children and parents.

Have a discussion with your family and tell them this is unsustainable. Set a limit if you have to.

WaltzingWaters · 21/05/2022 16:51

That’s ridiculous. Just say you can’t afford it and go for something cheaper. Especially when they’re not spending even a fraction of that on your birthdays! Even for a huge milestone birthday that’s a crazy amount to spend unless you’re loaded!

Shanghai1 · 21/05/2022 16:57

I think you are right, and your parents think you are wealthier than you are. It reminds me of a colleague I once had who was in his first year of teaching. For his mum's birthday, he gave her his credit card and told her to buy something. She bought a £650 bag. My parents would never be so cheeky!

LittleOwl153 · 21/05/2022 16:59

No I think you have got into a ridiculous cycle of expensive presents. You don't give to receive BUT expecting a £600 gift from someone you spend £30 on unless there are huge disparacy in income is crazy.

You need to knock this on the head. If you can't afford it it's crazy. What else could you (your immediate family) do with and extra £1200plus a year?

Princessoftheuniverse · 21/05/2022 17:00

We make a list of things we would like as suggestions. It always has cheaper and more expensive items on and dearer items are suggested as a shared gift. Nowhere near £200 pounds though. I might tell my husband if I would like something more expensive but happily he encourages me and I wouldn’t ask every time. Surprises are welcome too. I couldn’t afford to spend that sort of money and I wouldn’t want my family too.

Princessoftheuniverse · 21/05/2022 17:01

to

bridgetreilly · 21/05/2022 17:04

No one gets to decide how much you should spend on their present. Work out what you want to give, stick it in a card, and encourage them to put it towards whatever they want.

BarbaraofSeville · 21/05/2022 17:08

They can expect all they like, it doesn't mean you have to get it for them, even if you could afford it, which it sounds like you can't.

Let them sulk. If they want things or experiences costing hundreds of pounds they can save up and buy them themselves rather than demanding that you buy them for them.

lackofvision · 21/05/2022 17:08

No way - Dm or Df around £25, they are well off but I think those prices you quote are greedy especially if you are struggling financially and my parents would rather pass the money down to us itms

JudgeJ · 21/05/2022 17:11

theyhavenothingbuttheaudacity · 21/05/2022 16:31

Luckily none of my family have those expectations!

Until I started looking at MN I didn't realise that people actually made demands for their birthdays etc., other than children have an FC list.
In fact I generally find MN very reassuring, we sound to be a remarkably normal, sane family in comparison to so many.

Kenneldogsrock · 21/05/2022 17:14

No not at all. We are working class but don’t expect or ask for anything beyond £30 at the most. This is seriously cheeky!

Shinyandnew1 · 21/05/2022 17:18

Just say no, it won’t be happening. You’re mad if you do it!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/05/2022 17:37

You are forking out £300 for Dad, 700 for mum and 200 for sibling - £1,200?
and then DH wants a £500 sports event ( its different if you are going too) £2700.. this is getting out of hand.
Email your parents and copy in your sister saying that you are setting a budget of £50 each, hope they understand and say that its more fun to get together for a nice meal or day out and spend time together. Blame the cost of living crisis.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/05/2022 18:17
  • correction £1,700 - brain fuzz
MagicTurtle · 21/05/2022 18:19

There's no way I'd spend anything like £600 on a parent's birthday present! More like a tenner!