To think relatives expect too much for birthdays

[Olive180]

Do you think relatives/partners are expecting too much for birthday presents nowdays? Or is this normal? I'm actually having to put significant savings aside to meet some extravagant demands. Personally I'm happy with some chocolates or flowers or something for my bday, perhaps an inexpensive lunch or dinner out.

But... it was recently my dad's 60th and he wanted a gift costing £600 from me and my sibling. He would have sulked like a child that we don't care about him if we didn't get it, despite both of us being on very average salaries.

My mum wants to go for a massage and night's stay at a specific spa hotel for her birthday in October which will probably cost me about £600/700+ for both of us.

(Just to note my parents are working class, comfortable but by no means wealthy, and havent gifted me anything costing over £20/30 for my birthdays for the past 10 years or so).

DP has been hinting he wants tickets to an expensive sporting event this summer for his birthday, which will also require a night's stay in a hotel. Probably looking at another £500. He did take me away for a weekend for my birthday but I didn't ask for it, and he knows I'm very low maintenence!

Sibling wants a new iPhone from family, another £200 for my share.

I do not have this sort of money! None of them do either, so why do they have these expectations?

If an adult made such a demand on me, the only present they would be getting is a big, fat nothing.

I don’t think most people expect anything like this from family members, never mind their children!
If my mum asks for something for her birthday, and that’s after me pushing, it’s either quite open ended “a new scarf” or if it’s a specific thing it’s like £10/£20.

Interesting, I spent £65 on a birthday present for my daughter in law yesterday and really felt I'd overspent.As others have said, you need a frank discussion and the current recession gives you a great opportunity to broach the subject

Just say no. To all of them. Bloody hell!

Bloody Nora! I'd go apeshit if my kids spent £100 on me, never mind £600. They have realllly got delusions of grandeur when it comes to your income.

I spend £50ish on my parents and £20 on others. I won't discuss how much I spend on DS, but I save through the year for his birthday and I only have the one DC.

The only time I spent more on gifts was for my Mum's 60th. It was mid-lockdown and the only people she could see were my Dad, DS and I. We couldn't go anywhere to celebrate and she was really down, so I went overboard and spent around £250 to make a proper fuss of her.

Your family are very unreasonable to expect hundreds to be forked out every time they get a year older.

’my budget for birthdays this year is £20. If this will be an issue for anyone, I can arrange to not get you a present, to prevent further upset. Quality time is more special than consumer products and our spending was far beyond our means, so that’s ended’

or whatever. There was no need to allow the £1000s to be spent to begin with.

My dad gets a book and my mum gets a photo calendar. Both are always delighted. We are all pretty well off, it isn't about the amount spent.

DH is very low contact with his brother (partly because of some financial abuse). On his brothers last significant birthday he made the effort to go see him and bought him a normal present.
His brother was furious as he was expecting something very very expensive (like a grand expensive). Some peoples expectations are totally off.

I'd do the sulk me. Tell they're you can't afford this shit and it's not happening anymore. Rip off the plaster.

I don't think people in general do, but your family definitely do!

Absolute cheeky bastards.

And more fool you for actually complying.

It is odd
it isn’t about being well off. We are very well off and never spent more than £30 on an family adult birthday (flowers, wine) . don’t buy at all for siblings unless seeing them on the day.

Spend more on our own children and their partners

if adults want something they can buy their own

Since my parents have retired they seem to have this belief that we should be treating them for all their hard work raising us? Particularly my dad. They don't seem to understand that our jobs are not well paid, and that we both pay a fortune in rent. My mum was a dinner lady and my dad was an electrician at a factory, and they associate our kind of jobs with big salaries for some reason.

Just wondered what other people's birthday budgets for family was and whether I was being stingy. (Definitely agree it's not about wealth, just wanted to make it clear that they're not expecting these gifts because I'm absolutely loaded or something). I have a very wealthy friend who usually just bakes something for her relatives' birthdays, even for milestones (and she's notoriously a terrible cook, but think it's become a bit of a family joke!)

I think I will do, but dreading them bitching about me and making 'jokes' about me being tight for the next year!

That's awful

I'm a far above average earner, and I usually spend £60-70 on my parents birthdays, no siblings. There's never any expectations or requests, unless I ask, then it's something around that budget.

Ignore the "tight" comments, I'm sure you could put up with them for the extra money - that's a family holiday!

I usually spend £30-£40 on my parents' and DBro's birthdays. More on DH but it's usually an 'experience' that I can do with him.

You need to knick this on the head NOW!

Otherwise how will you ever be able to afford a home, children, a life...

Let them sulk if they are this shallow.

I don't think for significant birthdays like 65th etc that it's unreasonable to have a more substantial present. And mets be fair, you have had years to prepare financially for these events. It's rather like those who then moan that they can't "afford" Christmas yet are living good lifestyles Al the rest of the year. When what they really mean is they don't value those people enough to spend their money there, which is fair enough, but be honest and upfront about it, recognising that this may result in the loss of other "perks" over time.

Fwiw, we have had some big birthdays in the last year. As siblings we clubbed together and including venue, activities and present etc, were around £800. None of us are exceptionally well off, some are a lot harder up, but all recognise that it's not an everyday occurrence and our parents have done so much for us, sacrificed so much more than and won't be here for forever.

The significant difference between our situation and yours @Olive180 though is that we as offspring see their worth and do this under our own volition. And our parents know that we our thought and love into everything whether it's £8 or £800 and can honestly say they'd never be driven by price tags.

I presume that when you have children, you'll hope that your family will provide some childcare, respite etc, presents and other support, on top of what they already provide.

Usually take my parents for a meal on their birthdays. We do not buy gifts for siblings, and gifts for nieces/nephews stopped when they turned 21. Your relatives expectations are ridiculous but you can say no!

That low contact would become no contact!

Definitely not normal.

Let them sulk.

You can't afford it.

If they sulk, see less of them.

It doesn't sound like a very healthy dynamic.

No we absolutely do not do this. Celebrations are not about presents or money spent. We made a point of just small token presents for Christmas and we try to do something for birthdays but never something expensive.

For me it's about spending time with the people I love not about how much things are. But for some people they find it easy to spend someone else's money.

You need to tell them that you cannot afford it.

Probably a good idea to introduce the plan of stopping giving adult presents for birthdays & Christmas. Less money wasted, less tat going into landfill, less stress all round. I did this 30-odd years ago in my own family and everyone is very happy with it. We do a £20 Secret Santa between the adults.