To think relatives expect too much for birthdays

[Olive180]

Do you think relatives/partners are expecting too much for birthday presents nowdays? Or is this normal? I'm actually having to put significant savings aside to meet some extravagant demands. Personally I'm happy with some chocolates or flowers or something for my bday, perhaps an inexpensive lunch or dinner out.

But... it was recently my dad's 60th and he wanted a gift costing £600 from me and my sibling. He would have sulked like a child that we don't care about him if we didn't get it, despite both of us being on very average salaries.

My mum wants to go for a massage and night's stay at a specific spa hotel for her birthday in October which will probably cost me about £600/700+ for both of us.

(Just to note my parents are working class, comfortable but by no means wealthy, and havent gifted me anything costing over £20/30 for my birthdays for the past 10 years or so).

DP has been hinting he wants tickets to an expensive sporting event this summer for his birthday, which will also require a night's stay in a hotel. Probably looking at another £500. He did take me away for a weekend for my birthday but I didn't ask for it, and he knows I'm very low maintenence!

Sibling wants a new iPhone from family, another £200 for my share.

I do not have this sort of money! None of them do either, so why do they have these expectations?

There's obviously a mis match of expectations here. They think you and your bro are on the mega bucks thanks to your jobs which I suppose they see as high earning compared with their jobs. They feel you have reached this due to their support (financial and emotional) as you grew up, so now it's your turn to treat them as a reward for their amazing parenting, using the massive amount of extra income you must have compared to them at the same age!

You are probably paying loads in rent while trying to save and working hard, paying off student debt etc. Everything costs loads more than 30 years ago!

I think it's time for a reset - explain to mum and dad where all your money is going and that you love them and appreciate them but you are not going to be spending £600+ on their birthdays to prove that to them. You don't even spend that on your own birthday etc.

Good luck op!

I wouldnt buy these things, I'd offer to get a voucher towards the item so they can make up the cost of anything that's left, so a voucher to the golf store or the spa hotel but I think expecting someone to shell out hundreds of pounds is unreasonable. You need to have a discussion and reset expectations with everyone.

You need to be upfront about this as everyone here agrees YANBU. Just say you don’t have the money to buy such expensive gifts, you aren’t sure why they think you do and that they need to adjust their expectations. Sometimes a concrete example of how excessive it all is helps: ‘that gift would cost me half of my mortgage payment and is clearly not affordable’. The sulking when gifts aren’t expensive enough is totally unacceptable - any adult with that level of grabbiness needs pulling up on it.

No one has the right to make demands on you re how to spend your money. No one.

Just say you have a budget based on your income, and any requests like that are just that: requests. Not demands. Not entitlements. And you can't afford to accommodate those requests. If they want expensive treats, they'll have to fund them themselves, because you have your own bills and savings and life to pay for.

Not normal at all.

I suspect I earn a lot more than you and budget for family birthdays is:

DH's siblings - a card. Would turn up to a milestone party with chocs.
Parents (his) - chocs. They are undemanding.
Parents (mine) - prob up to £100 but varies, some years might be a few paperbacks
Each other - meal out then prob up to £100 on top. Again some years a lot less. We have been known to forget totally.

You need reset everyone's expectations. They are adults, not children, no-one cares about their birthdays and they can buy their own spa breaks and iPhones.

I'd start up a lot of talk about cost of living, cutting back, no money for holidays this year, worrying about overdrafts (even if you aren't) and if they don't get the hint be very very blunt.

Both your DP are CF. My mum would chew her arm off before she asked us for so much as a box of chocolates never mind the items your parents have requested. She has always been thrilled with whatever we have bought her.

Have they always been this entitled?

Nope and I'm sorry but YOU are enabling this greedy behaviour. Dont bow to it. Get them something you can afford and if they sulk- so bloody what? noone ever died from sulking about a gift for goodness sake.

You need to start putting up healthy boundaries here or else they will continue to walk all over you.

I think this is just your family, OP. We give each other things like a book or a bottle of wine. Birthday gifts are normally just tokens once you're an adult, surely?

Absolutely not. I'd be horrified if my parents behaved like that. They wld never dream of asking for something so expensive.

Even at their milestone birthdays they didn't ask for anything extravagant. Didn't really ask for anything to be honest.

The only time I've had anything like this is when it was step mil bday. Been in her step kids lives only as adults. Her adult kids asked us to contribute for some very expensive gifts, all split evenly between her step kids and actual kids. An amount I was shocked by. Way more than we spent on our own actual parents for these types of birthdays and we are always generous. We did pay it as didn't want any awkwardness but I did think it was a bit out of order to ask us to contribute as much and same as her actual children.

Oh no OP, I accidentally pressed YABU, I absolute meant YANBU!!!!!!!!

You can just change your vote!

That's a horrible attitude from your parents. Most loving parents don't believe that their children need to 'pay them back' they for raising them.

Nope and no. It’s only your family and partner who are grabby piss takers. Plus your dad is a manipulative man child. I would never ask my adult children for such expensive presents, and my parents didn’t want or expect much from me and my siblings either. Stop pandering to these people.

My parents have started with this shite in recent years. I've posted about this before but in 2020, right before lockdown, my dad turned 60. My mum threw a four-day birthday-palooza for him - the whole extended family were expected to go and she heavily guilted me into increasing my budget for his gifts. I spent way more than I had intended to, plus petrol money to travel to the house my parents had rented for the long weekend.

Just a few weeks later, I turned 30 and she texted(!) to say she had transferred my birthday money (the same amount she gives me every year) to my bank account. No fanfare, no special gift or fuss - no frills. Even my brother said he wanted to treat me for my "big" birthday and then didn't get me anything. We were in full-on lockdown so all of my plans had been cancelled

A couple of months later, my mum's birthday rolls around and she tells me that she wants ££££ luxury brand toiletries - she sent me a list of specific items and their sizes!

I was recently added to a family WhatsApp where she is demanding that I chip in toward a 60th birthday gift for a family member. Fine, except she has chosen the gift and set the amount I'm apparently paying, which is a lot more than I had planned.

Basically, they're all grabby fuckers yet the same isn't extended to my birthdays. I'm not a greedy person so it has never been about the actual gift, it's the fact that they're so brazen when it comes to them but thoughtless about me.

So entitled! And so rude! Even the wealthiest people I know won’t ask for anything more than a few pounds for gifts! It’s a lack of self awareness and no manners to be so crass as to ask for a present that expensive

That's a lot to keep up with, I don't think we could and we are a household of 2 FT workers.

That sounds excessive!
Surely for adults presents are generally tokens - a book, a bottle of favourite perfume, a meal out, maybe a show ( not all of those at the same time!)
But we don't have a lot of spare cash, and have never paid 6/700 for a weekend away, or indeed anything other than tech.
I think my Mum would be upset if we spent more than about 100 pounds on her.
You don't have to respond to these greedy requests.

Adults in my family are happy with £15-30 gifts

We're fortunate enough to be well off.

We spend £40 on our parents (each) which we agreed as a two-way budget so it doesn't get out of hand. Same scenario but £20 for my nieces and nephews. My siblings and I don't exchange presents.

comfortable but by no means wealthy, and havent gifted me anything costing over £20/30 for my birthdays for the past 10 years or so).

And now ask for things in the £600 price bracket. I'd cut that out right away. Nice card and bottle/ small box of chocolates.

Let him sulk. What can he do really ?

Any trouble, just let him know you are putting all your spare cash into your pension to ensure you can buy your own DC lovely presents as all parents do.

Nip in the bud right away.

I think your Dad's expectations are ridiculous - I hope you said 'not happening'.

Buy him a charity goat - tell him it's better to give than receive.

oh my god op it’s just you, I’m so sorry op, we generally do a few magazines some malteasers and a small sanctuary gift set. If it’s a big one we pay for a dinner. 600? I’d have let him sulk!!!

That's crazy! I'd look at how much I'd want to pay e.g. £50, and I'd tell everyone that's my budget from now on. Only you can change things. However for my husband I'd spend more.

Your family are very greedy. I would never ever expect my children and partner to spend that kind of money on me, no matter how much they were earning. A gift should be a small token or a sweet gesture.

OP I would put my foot down regarding this. They never spend any real amounts of money on you then why would you spend it on them, especially when there is just such a high expectation from you to pay out for these gifts and “experiences”?.