Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This isn’t selfishness

62 replies

FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 08:41

Been having difficulties for a while juggling a lot- work/SEN dc/health issues etc .
Decided to give up and try to have a career break and get better , get things sorted out at home and for dc.

However, DSis has now decided that me no longer working means I share care of elderly parent with her. I’ve said no. I am not well and gave up in order to sort out things at home and with dc not to be sharing the responsibility with her. I’ve suggested we look at carers as I’m not going to be available.

i will also add that I had a terrible relationship with DM and I was not treated well and we’ve been extremely low contact and at times no contact over the years. I’m not even in the Will so I really feel like she wouldn’t want me caring for her anyway even if I was willing.

Ive made the decision I have for my family and I’m being help up as an example of pure selfishness

OP posts:
zingally · 21/05/2022 08:52

Okay, you don't want to support your mum... are you willing/able to support your sister? How is your relationship with her?

I only ask because I have had/will have a similar situation with my sister. When my dad got very mentally unwell, and did subsequently die, my older did absolutely nothing to support us all as part of the family. Granted, she's autistic, but she lives independently with her fiance, she has a good job, a home, a car etc. She's not "disabled" per se. BUT, she just doesn't "do" other people's feelings. If you give her a job to do like "call the bank", or "research a home help", she will. But if she's being asked to respond emotionally, or show caring in the moment, there's absolutely zero chance of that happening.

I know that when our mum gets older and needs care or whatever, it's on me completely. I've accepted my role and it "just being what it is". I know it'll be me sitting at her bedside in the hospital or wherever. My sister won't be there.
BUT, if she can't support mum, then I need her to step up and support me. If I'm doing the emotional grunt work, she needs to do the practical stuff to support ME to support MUM.

Will you fulfil a similar sort of role for your sister?

LoudingVoice · 21/05/2022 08:56

If your mum needs care has this been assessed by a social worker?

Is she entitled to a carer being paid for?

I would go down this route and explore what assistance she’s entitled to first.

No, you’re not selfish & there’s support for your mum available if she needs it, it shouldn’t have to be all on either you or your sister.

5foot5 · 21/05/2022 08:56

What else is going on in your DSis life? If she also has lots of her own issues she is dealing with in addition to caring for your DM then I can understand her POV

Original poster
FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 08:57

I’ve said I will support by things like researching carers and helping to organise stuff like that . I can’t physically do any more as dc needs are great

OP posts:
LoudingVoice · 21/05/2022 08:59

I know that when our mum gets older and needs care or whatever, it's on me completely. I've accepted my role and it "just being what it is".

Emotionally yes but on a practical level you can get care support if it’s needed, and there’s nothing wrong in accepting the help that’s available.

Original poster
FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 09:00

LoudingVoice · 21/05/2022 08:56

If your mum needs care has this been assessed by a social worker?

Is she entitled to a carer being paid for?

I would go down this route and explore what assistance she’s entitled to first.

No, you’re not selfish & there’s support for your mum available if she needs it, it shouldn’t have to be all on either you or your sister.

She gets attendance allowance I think plus has savings I suggested that could be used and I’d help to arrange carers but apparently I should be helping to avoid savings etc being used

OP posts:
LoudingVoice · 21/05/2022 09:01

FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 08:57

I’ve said I will support by things like researching carers and helping to organise stuff like that . I can’t physically do any more as dc needs are great

That’s a useful and practical thing to do, has your sister never investigated what care support is available?

This could be the best outcome for getting your sister more support as well.

Original poster
FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 09:02

LoudingVoice · 21/05/2022 08:56

If your mum needs care has this been assessed by a social worker?

Is she entitled to a carer being paid for?

I would go down this route and explore what assistance she’s entitled to first.

No, you’re not selfish & there’s support for your mum available if she needs it, it shouldn’t have to be all on either you or your sister.

I would be happy to research carers etc but I don’t have the time for assessments etc I’m trying to sort dc ehcp and care package I can’t take on any more

OP posts:
Original poster
FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 09:03

LoudingVoice · 21/05/2022 09:01

That’s a useful and practical thing to do, has your sister never investigated what care support is available?

This could be the best outcome for getting your sister more support as well.

Show quote history

There’s resistance over paid care I think when the family feel needs could be met for free

OP posts:
LoudingVoice · 21/05/2022 09:03

FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 09:00

She gets attendance allowance I think plus has savings I suggested that could be used and I’d help to arrange carers but apparently I should be helping to avoid savings etc being used

Show quote history

Carers don’t need paying for with savings, if your mum has assistance needs she needs assessing by a social worker to see if she’s eligible for support.

If your sister hasn’t looked into this before then this could be a real help to her.

Original poster
FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 09:04

LoudingVoice · 21/05/2022 09:03

Carers don’t need paying for with savings, if your mum has assistance needs she needs assessing by a social worker to see if she’s eligible for support.

If your sister hasn’t looked into this before then this could be a real help to her.

Show quote history

I will suggest it to her

OP posts:
ATadConfused · 21/05/2022 09:04

YANBU

youve told her how you're willing to help & not able to help & the reasons for that are logical & 'fair'. She can choose whether to accept your help or crack on doing it 'her way' herself.

you aren't being selfish! You're being sensible, you're trying to look after your health so you can look after your children (& yourself) NOT so you can physically care for your mother who didn't treat you well.

Crazycatlady83 · 21/05/2022 09:05

This is going to sound harsh, but if your mother didn't treat you well, why should you care for her now. You reap what you sow and all that. Let her use her savings. Look after your DC and yourself first. Don't be pressured into doing something you can't, physically or emotionally.

LoudingVoice · 21/05/2022 09:06

FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 09:03

There’s resistance over paid care I think when the family feel needs could be met for free

Show quote history

Has your mum been assessed by the council? She might be eligible for free care, if that’s not been done then get on to it and at least find out.

Original poster
FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 09:08

LoudingVoice · 21/05/2022 09:06

Has your mum been assessed by the council? She might be eligible for free care, if that’s not been done then get on to it and at least find out.

Show quote history

No idea but I will pass the info to dsis and she can arrange it

OP posts:
Mumoftwoinprimary · 21/05/2022 09:09

Is the reason your sister wants to do all the caring because she will inherit the money and so she wants to protect that?

Original poster
FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 09:09

Crazycatlady83 · 21/05/2022 09:05

This is going to sound harsh, but if your mother didn't treat you well, why should you care for her now. You reap what you sow and all that. Let her use her savings. Look after your DC and yourself first. Don't be pressured into doing something you can't, physically or emotionally.

Yes this is a massive issue. I would help to arrange carers if I have to I have only a small amount of free time though and also my head is pretty full of all the stuff for dc it’s very very full on at the moment.
i distanced myself for good reasons and I’m all honestly even if I had no dc and good health and free time id still feel this way

OP posts:
Original poster
FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 09:10

Mumoftwoinprimary · 21/05/2022 09:09

Is the reason your sister wants to do all the caring because she will inherit the money and so she wants to protect that?

Probably yes that would be my guess !

OP posts:
WildCoasts · 21/05/2022 09:10

I understand OP. I have aging parents and a limited capacity to add a single thing more to my plate. Sometimes self-preservation counts for a lot. Just let your sister know what you can do and are willing to do. If she's not happy with the paid care and wants family to do it, then she can do it.

I might feel differently if your sister also has a lot of personal challenges, like you do.

MargosKaftan · 21/05/2022 09:12

Perhaps you should say to your sister "so can I be clear, you think I should provide my time for free to care for our mother, because otherwise her savings would have to be used to pay for external care. As I have been cut out of her will, this means you think I should provide my labour for free to ensure you get a good inheritance? Is that correct?"

Point out if she wants to run herself ragged to protect her inheritance, that's a choice she and her DP can make.

Original poster
FourteenCats · 21/05/2022 09:12

WildCoasts · 21/05/2022 09:10

I understand OP. I have aging parents and a limited capacity to add a single thing more to my plate. Sometimes self-preservation counts for a lot. Just let your sister know what you can do and are willing to do. If she's not happy with the paid care and wants family to do it, then she can do it.

I might feel differently if your sister also has a lot of personal challenges, like you do.

As far as I’m aware her life is quite stress free In most areas . That’s what I see on the surface though I don’t know much else as we aren’t close so I can’t say 100%

OP posts:
Myleakycauldron · 21/05/2022 09:14

Cynically, are they reluctant to use savings so that they have more inheritance? I wouldn't facilitate this particularly as there is no benefit to you.

Sumtimesiamgreen · 21/05/2022 09:14

Yanbu your Mum has told everyone how she feels about you by excluding you in her will.
If you have a good relationship with your sister you will probably want to support her to take the caring role.
If it’s to save money why should you assist them with their decision. Social care is not free, and if your Mum has £23,500 in savings she will have pay for the care herself.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/05/2022 09:16

If you’re not in the will then your mum has effectively washed her hands of you so why shouldn’t you do the same? I wouldn’t even be arranging carers. I would make it clear to your sister that by writing you out of the will your mum has made it obvious she doesn’t want or appreciate your involvement and wants your sister to act as sole defendant and so as a final act of respect to her you will ensure you have absolutely nothing to do with any decisions or care.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/05/2022 09:16

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/05/2022 09:16

If you’re not in the will then your mum has effectively washed her hands of you so why shouldn’t you do the same? I wouldn’t even be arranging carers. I would make it clear to your sister that by writing you out of the will your mum has made it obvious she doesn’t want or appreciate your involvement and wants your sister to act as sole defendant and so as a final act of respect to her you will ensure you have absolutely nothing to do with any decisions or care.

Sorry that should have said sole descendent.