This isn’t selfishness

[FourteenCats]

Been having difficulties for a while juggling a lot- work/SEN dc/health issues etc .
Decided to give up and try to have a career break and get better , get things sorted out at home and for dc.

However, DSis has now decided that me no longer working means I share care of elderly parent with her. I’ve said no. I am not well and gave up in order to sort out things at home and with dc not to be sharing the responsibility with her. I’ve suggested we look at carers as I’m not going to be available.

i will also add that I had a terrible relationship with DM and I was not treated well and we’ve been extremely low contact and at times no contact over the years. I’m not even in the Will so I really feel like she wouldn’t want me caring for her anyway even if I was willing.

Ive made the decision I have for my family and I’m being help up as an example of pure selfishness

It sounds like there's a resistance to paid carers to protect savings - ie inheritance - and that won't be coming to you anyway, so it's a bit unfair to drag you in to protect your sister's inheritance. How's your relationship with your sister generally? Can you support her?

re-iterate to your sister about how badly your relationship with your mum has broken down and how you are unable to do physical / emotional care for your mum given she has rejected you.

but don't step up to do physical care in place of paid carers.

If your mum has savings over around £14,500, she will be expected to contribute to the cost of her care. That's as it should be. Taxpayers don't fund carers so that your sister can have a nice inheritance.

Many people choose to care for family members and local authorities certainly encourage it- but there is no obligation for you to do it, regardless of your employment circumstances.

You are not being Shefish. You have took a carer break because of your own health and child with additional needs.

You have regonised that you have things that need to be put first otherwise you will burn out then be no use to anyone.

What would happen if you due to pressure helped then burnt out, thus leaving your child without the additional help you are doing.

The process of echp is a long slog as it is. Not only practical, but mentally and emotionally. ( kinda hits hard when you see your child has additional needs/disabilities on paper, I have been there. Still there every year).

Has your sister actually given you a reason as to why or of a sudden needs your help? If it's cause she is exhausted from carer responsibility, well are you not caring also for the additional needs your child has?

If it's just because your not working, then she is actually being the Shefish one: did you ask her help with your caring responsibilities? Nope.

Most people who care regonise that in others and don't add additional on top unless really really need to.

A social care assessment for your mum to see if she has needs to be funded for carer support would be my suggestion. Even if it's just a carer coming in twice a week to support.

All your sister has to do is contact the local authority social care and request a social care assessment for your mum. X

So what if it's selfish? It's okay to be selfish sometimes.
it's okay to be selfish about what happens to your body.
it's okay to be selfish about how you spend your time.

Just let it go. You NEED to get better, right?

You CAN'T do that whilst caring for your mum, right?

There is therefore only one decision.

Your sister will still call you selfish. You'll probably have to just take this if you want to have her in your life. Just don't respond. Change the subject, or simply agree with her.

You've made your decision, and well done. Now, stick to it.

Well, quite obviously you could have time now you're not working. But are choosing not to.

I think that you need to be honest. You don't want to help out and part of the reason is due to not being in line for inheritance. So you'd rather the money was spent.

The previous poster suggesting her savings would not be used is misinformed. If she has over 24 k in savings she's expected to pay for all care under that and social services would only contribute an amount.

Only exception is if she has nhs continuing health care.

Personally, I think that you're making excuses. I've a heavy load, similar circumstances, with my own health needs and multiple additional needs for my child, but still work and provide care for a family member. So fully understand why your sister perceives you as selfish.

There’s resistance over paid care I think when the family feel needs could be met for free

If it’s their choice then it’s up to them to live with the consequences of that choice, not you. They don’t get to dump those consequences on you to keep the inheritance pot full.

I don't think this is fair. I limit the work I do and still skirt the edges of burnout sometimes because of the care I am already doing. At one point I could have taken more on but, as the years have dragged on, it's got to where I know I need to put my ability to continue caring and well being first, and not be afraid to say no. It gets harder, we don't get any younger.

In OP's case, I think she is being generous. She has offered financial resources to help fund a carer knowing her mother has cut her out of her will and is giving it all to her sister. Her mother has sent her a strong message, not a good one, so she's lucky her daughter is willing to do that much for her.

Of course you’re not selfish. Your sister is, though. You’ve lots to lose, she only gains.

@FourteenCats what is your sisters circumstances?

Sorry you have some people jumping on you saying you are being Shefish. When you have made the presumably hard choice to take a carer break to help your child and look after your own health.

I mean you have given up your carer at this moment as you have too much and need to concentrate on that. Yet people then say you are Shefish for recognising this.

Anybody would think that you took a carer break as a holiday not for real life stuff.

To the post who is all I work I have multiple children with additional needs and she is Shefish... We ain't all superhuman bit of empathy and understanding would have been better. Do u recall going through assessments? Are fighting to get support for your children.

And yes I have lost a parent and my other parent has health needs. None of my siblings call me Shefish for not being a carer for my parent.

We ain't all superhuman bit of empathy and understanding would have been better.

I agree. The problem with being superhuman (me for many years) is that eventually you do get to the point where you just can't. It's better to be less superhuman and pace yourself for the long haul. I struggle to do this myself but I know it's important, so I try.

I don't think it's harsh it's the truth. That's exactly what you get for being a poor parent. Yanbu op. You have alot on your plate. Don't be burdened with this when you are making huge sacrifices in your own personal life. Even if your mum was in good health, would she help you in any way ? There's your answer.

@WildCoasts

Totally get that one. Problem you get when you care for others in your life is that you become naturally inclined to want to help.

Then the guilt when you can't or just want to say erm sorry no I can not do that as already have abc.... Defgxyz to do.

What I learned over the years is the people who get it and understand when you say no to things without having an issue or making you feel bad. Are the people who stay in your life.

OP has already made the hard choice a lot of people who have SEN children have to do as in taking a break from a carer ( maybe in the future she will be able to go back). And look after her health.

This is not the time for others to add to what is already a lot of pressure things going on in life

On the other hand we don't know the sisters circumstances.

If sister is literally got no other additional caring responsibility, health issues then she is being inconsiderate even asking the OP.

However if sister also has additional things then it's more circumstances and outside help would be beneficial for all.

Regardless of the inheritance. OP basically should not be made to feel guilty or called Shefish for taking a huge step in admitting that it would be too much.

Some people have nothing additional to have to look after, just run of the mill work life etc yet can not care for the parents.

Some people blatantly refuse to care for others. Some people give the children up because they can not care for them.

Everybody has there own boundaries and limitations but nobody should be made to feel guilty for that. X

So if she's in the will that makes a difference?

Atm, the op does not know for absolute definite she's not in the will and is by the sound of it, making the decision to not provide care for her own mother, as a result of this possibility.

@Colourfulrainbows Totally agree. I'm a natural caregiver type and always have been. I know it's expected that the bulk of the care for elderly parents will fall on me too. In spite of the childless sibling who doesn't have additional care responsibilities for anyone. I think it's age, maturity and life experience that has finally given me the ability to say no and not feel bad about it. I have had to tell my parents that I have limitations in relation to their care, especially with some of the choices they have made, but no-one could call me selfish and be fair. I do feel a bit bad about it, as much as I am aware how important those limitations are so I can keep going.

They may not say it, but they will be thinking it.

Actually no, it doesn't make a difference if she is in the will or not. If OP is stretched to her limit, she can't do it. It's not like she hasn't offered an alternative way to help.

Whether sister can do it or not is also immaterial. Let's assume the sister has equal reasons she can't do it alone. Then she needs to accept that neither of them can give the required level of support and organise outside help.

I disagree.
The sister is most definitely not being selfish. Selfless yes.
She's done all of the care to date. Presumably whilst running her own home, family needs work etc. And now the op actually could step up, she's reaching out obviously in need and wanting to share the load in the best interests of their mother.
The advice should be that the op should be looking out for her sister's needs! Given that she's ensured her own are met.

Not it's not selfish op. It's you putting your mental health first. You don't have a good relationship with your mother and she obviously doesn't think much of you if she's cut you out if her will. So I would support your sister in other ways if you can. If your sister can't understand this then unfortunately your relationship with her may ultimately suffer as well but there's not a great deal you can do about that. Toxic parenting can have a long lasting effect.

Majority of the posters on here should be ashamed of themselves. Their attitude towards their own vulnerable parents is deplorable.
I hope that all those having these opinions have expressed this is how they feel to their parents, so they're fully aware. And I presume they have never accepted free childcare from their parents, or financial assistance of any kind. Because to have done so when of this opinion is is an even bigger hypocrisy.

YABU I feel sorry for your Dsis.

I’m sure she’s had her own issues with her parents but she’s now doing 100% of the caring.

If you don’t work then you could offer to help out a tiny bit even if it means dropping shopping off once a week or something.

Honestly I can see why you’re not in the will as you seem pretty selfish.

Lucky you to not understand what some people have to experience. I suppose I'm off the hook though as my parents haven't been childcarers for me or offered financial support. They have been there in a couple of emergencies, as I have for them and always would be. My parents also never lifted a finger to care for their own elderly parents as they had siblings closer who did all the work.

I have encouraged my parents to stay closer to me so that I can provide support in old age. Instead they have taken themselves to some remote location with no services or family available, overseas. So I have informed them there is a limit to what support I can give them as I can't be jetting back and forth all the time.

I've got decades more caring for others ahead of me. Avoiding burnout is a priority for me. I'm sure my rich, childless sibling will have an opinion about it but too bad. People can think what they like because they aren't living my life.

Majority of the posters on here should be ashamed of themselves. Their attitude towards their own vulnerable parents is deplorable.

But if you’re physically & emotionally incapable of providing care or support - which the OP is - why is that so unacceptable? She’s offering to arrange carers & do the little she can from home. Even if she had a good relationship with her DM she could still be incapacitated from being able to help (although would obviously feel very differently about it).

YANBU or selfish OP

@ChoiceMummy

You are adamant that the OP is Shefish and sister is shefless.

You are missing a variable... What is the sisters circumstances. Yes she has her own life as well but the OP does as well.

Did you miss the bit where she has taken a carer break due to additional need child going through echp and her own health issues? And it's only since she has taken this break that her sister has asked. Therefore ignoring why she has taken a carer break.

Yes I read your post about how much you do. So do lots of others. So do I but this is not about what you do i do. But the OP s own limits - which is absolutely fine to have and should not be made to feel guilty for it.

My own son has additional needs and I have 1 child so when I am old and because of his circumstances, he won't be able to care for me in my old age should I be calling him Shefish for that? Erm no it is not the onus on my child to look after me when I am old. Even without his needs I did not have a child to care for me when I am older. I am the parent.

We have a social care system in this Country for exactly these reasons. ( a bit not always brilliant).

There are many many families who are not able to provide the care to their parents in elderly. There are some who can but choose not to.

Calling her Shefish and her sister selfless without knowing both circumstances is making a huge judgement.

Just because you can do everything, don't mean everybody else can. Sorry but you come across as very unempthatic for some one who says has children with additional needs and previous health issues themselves.

Or maybe annoyed that the onus and pressure was on you.

Lucky you to not understand what some people have to experience. I suppose I'm off the hook though as my parents haven't been childcarers for me or offered financial support.

Lol

So the amount of care your elderly parents get is dependent on how much they take care of their grandchildren or how much money they give their adult children?

Jeez!
How about the time and money they spent on raising you when you were a child.