This isn’t selfishness

[FourteenCats]

Been having difficulties for a while juggling a lot- work/SEN dc/health issues etc .
Decided to give up and try to have a career break and get better , get things sorted out at home and for dc.

However, DSis has now decided that me no longer working means I share care of elderly parent with her. I’ve said no. I am not well and gave up in order to sort out things at home and with dc not to be sharing the responsibility with her. I’ve suggested we look at carers as I’m not going to be available.

i will also add that I had a terrible relationship with DM and I was not treated well and we’ve been extremely low contact and at times no contact over the years. I’m not even in the Will so I really feel like she wouldn’t want me caring for her anyway even if I was willing.

Ive made the decision I have for my family and I’m being help up as an example of pure selfishness

That was responding to the standard set by the poster I was replying to. If that's the standard, I'm off the hook, which is contrary to the actions I have taken, if you actually read the post.

In my parents own words, I didn't cost them much, leaving home at 17 and requiring nothing from them from then. I'm quite willing to help out my parents anyway, but not in the remote overseas location they have taken themselves to. That was an impractical decision on their part. If they want to come back, I can help them more.

So your sister doesn't want to eat into her inheritance?

Then she'll have to 'earn' it

That was responding to the standard set by the poster I was replying to. If that's the standard, I'm off the hook, which is contrary to the actions I have taken, if you actually read the post.

@WildCoasts sorry I misread the tone of your post.
I thought you were being serious!

@FourteenCats

I'm close to my parents and I do things to help
Practically as and when I can but at the moment they're still able.

However I have made it clear to them both that I will not be providing care where caters are needed.

It's not personal at all and I saw my dad and uncles and aunties ran ragged with grandparents for years before they eventually went into a home and I will not be doing the same.

My grandparents refused carers because they didn't want to spend the money even though they had it because they wanted to leave it for their dc in death however by which point the mortgages were paid off and pensions were coming into force and my dad still says now how hard it was and there was three of them plus partners.

I have one sibling a few years older than me that lives closer with no work so is free however she does nothing to help my parents ever and it's always me who gets the call so I know very well how it would go.

I totally agree with you and you should tell your sibling the money and savings are to be used for care and if and when that runs out then you can review the situation however you will not be participating in personal care

@FourteenCats if your sister wanted to go down the route of social care assessment for additional carers.

They would do an assessment of needs and decide how much care required. They would either get the care in from an agency on the framework or source to a direct payments team to do this.

They can also assist with personal assistant rather than agency if required the same person.

Dependant on your local authority. There would also be a financial assessment, savings would be taking into account regarding if social care funded part all or mum would have to self fund.

This would be based on your mum's income.

If you want any other advice regarding what I know ( not a social worker but work within this area and doubt in same LA). Just PM me.

If your mum has savings they should be used for her care, end of. I’ve no truck with this saving the inheritance stuff. Old age is what savings are for. If your Dsis would rather do it herself and save the inheritance that’s her choice, nothing to do with you.

There’s resistance over paid care I think when the family feel needs could be met for free

Well of course there is, I imagine from the people who are set to inherit....in which case they can provide the free care and benefit financially from it.

Spot on!!

How many children with SEN do you care for??

How did your parents treat you??

id suggest a long walk on a shirt pier, it's a lovely day for it.

@Onwards22 - but the Dsis is chosing to do 100% of the care. Theres money available to buy in care so the sister doesn't have to do it all. Theres money available so the sister doesn't have to do any care. But she is chosing not to use that money that way, in order to spend it on something for herself when her mother dies.

The sister has a choice. She can provide the care and protect the inheritance, or she can spend the money on care, inherit less /nothing, but have more time now. What she wants is to both not do all the care and inherit all the money.

The OP isn't wrong to say no.

^Exactly this it’s true and straight to the point ^

What seems to have been missed is that the mother is getting attendance allowance, that is money given to people who need care in order to pay towards it........ I work with a lot of elderly patients, many running their children ragged who refuse to actually spend this money for the purpose it is intended.
Also a lot of posters are coming from the point of view of a normal loving family, the op has pointed out that she does not have a good relationship with either her mother or her sister. Only people with similar dysfunctional families can understand. If they were normal loving relatives they would realise not to add any further stress to somebody who has given up work to care for special needs child and is on the verge of burnout already.
Looking after yourself op and, therefore, being able to look after your children should be your priority💐💐