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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP uses annual leave whenever I take the kids away

59 replies

letmeeatcrisps · 20/05/2022 15:23

I am a SAHM who moved to his country. I have no friends, car, or job out there. No support except his mum who pops by once a week and takes my 2yo out for a couple of hours. I also have a 4 month old.
the only time I get a break to do things like see my friends, work on projects or do life admin, is by flying back to England and my mum looks after the kids. Every time I do this he uses a couple of days of annual leave, so he can have more time to himself

he Works 3 days a week. I have not even dreamed of having more than 3 hours to myself since having kids

I feel like he is mugging me off and should use his holidays to spend time with his family, am I being unreasonable?

thanks x

OP posts:

Lazerbeen · 20/05/2022 15:25

Yes he is, selfish man.

alphons · 20/05/2022 15:26

What is he doing the other 4 days per week? Why isn’t he looking after his family or doing work admin and sharing the burden?

LIZS · 20/05/2022 15:26

Do you not get any family holiday time? What does he do the other four days? Is pt working an option, learning to drive, joining groups? Do you speak the language at all?

ChilledScandi · 20/05/2022 15:59

But you are putting up with it though? Why?

Bb16103 · 20/05/2022 16:06

I’ve got to admit, I do this. With my husbands children in school holidays, he takes them to visit his parents & I will usually book 3 days annual leave to get on with DIY without anyone under my feet. It feels like a little holiday for me too, I get to stay in bed until 8am, eat the evening meal as late as I like; sand wall & floors etc without having to be mindful that the noise I make is disrupting their screen time. (They aren’t just here only for school holidays, that would make me quite unreasonable - the rest of the time they are with us I am focused on them but I love those 3 days to myself)

Original poster

letmeeatcrisps · 20/05/2022 16:09

We live rurally and I would love to learn to drive but I haven’t had more than 4 hours sleep at a time for two years so don’t feel safe doing it. Maybe I am overthinking that ?

the other four days .. he takes DD2 out in the afternoons so I can get on with stuff but I have a 4 month old and all household chores and dinner etc so it doesn’t feel like a “break” in any way

no family holidays booked. He has never come back to England with me, I don’t think he wants to. I always fly alone with the kids

its sort of Irrelevant anyway - I was just wondering how other families work out annual leave if one parent stays at home. I don’t get x amount of days to choose to be alone or with my family. I am always mum. Would it be
fair for me to ask for “annual leave” ie a number of days a year without the kids? Or do I just suck it up? Is that how everyone does it- men get time alone, Mums don’t?!?

OP posts:

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 20/05/2022 16:11

Fly back to the UK with the kids and stay here.

He sounds like he does fuck all parenting anyway. You can split legally and deal with it all once you've got yourself and the kids back here and have an actual support system.

Topgub · 20/05/2022 16:12

Id leave the kids with him the next time you go home

Id also be looking for a job and a hobby/making friends where you live and stop allowing your oh to treat you like a door mat

jamoncrumpets · 20/05/2022 16:13

BeforeGodAndAllTheFish · 20/05/2022 16:11

Fly back to the UK with the kids and stay here.

He sounds like he does fuck all parenting anyway. You can split legally and deal with it all once you've got yourself and the kids back here and have an actual support system.

That's called kidnapping.

Afterfire · 20/05/2022 16:14

Most parents of babies manage driving on very little sleep. You just do what you have to do! Obviously if you are literally dangerously overtired that’s different but generally it shouldn’t stop you driving.

He should be looking after BOTH children in the afternoons etc so you can have some time to yourself. He sounds really selfish.

orwellwasright · 20/05/2022 16:14

Is that how everyone does it- men get time alone, Mums don’t?!?

Only if they're in abusive relationships.

EinsteinaGogo · 20/05/2022 16:15

Are you enjoying being with him, OP?

Is he kind, caring, considerate?

mackthepony · 20/05/2022 16:15

Which country?

Tigofigo · 20/05/2022 16:17

Why won't he take both DC or cook or clean on his days off?

I'm interested how your finances are if you are living off one three day a week wage.

octagonspoon · 20/05/2022 16:17

You sound like you are in an extremely vulnerable position.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 20/05/2022 16:19

He is unreasonable especially since he is not working full time. Does he help you out at all..Take an extended break and see if you actually miss him at all and is this how you want the rest of your life as horrible having no support network or friends nearby. Am sure there is lots of good advice on here and do you want to spend more time with him..

alphons · 20/05/2022 16:21

In reality, it’s less common for the mom of a 4mo baby to have time off than the dad. It’s just easier for the dad to walk away from the baby. BUT, by 6mo, I see no reason why you shouldn’t both have equal time off. And, ffs, he should be taking the 4mo out in the afternoons with the toddler. Why on earth not? You can nap, do whatever.

Its difficult taking annual leave as a SAHM to a baby. But it can be done. Doesn’t matter what other people do. You need to do what’s best for you.

thebabynanny · 20/05/2022 16:24

Is the baby still breastfed?

Why don't you have a day off on one of his non-working days a week? He can get up with the kids and do dinner.

If he's only working 3 days, surely he can do at least 4 nights with the baby each week? If you are breastfeeding maybe you can go to bed early those nights, he can do a bottle feed before he goes to bed at 10 or 11pm and then you can do the feeds from then onwards. He can get up with the kids at 7am and you can have a couple of hours lie in to catch up.
If you do that 4 nights a week you will feel much more rested.

SunnySideDownBriefly · 20/05/2022 16:25

Hmm, this doesn't seem fair at all. Have you brought it up with him? I think the only way to re-address this is that you get 'annual leave' too. And leave the kids with him. I mean, ideally you'd be taking it together, with the kids, and enjoying some couple time when your Mum looks after the kids...but if he doesn't want to do that then you need to work out something that is fair for you too.

MagicTurtle · 20/05/2022 16:28

Can't he take the 4mo out as well as the 2yo on his days off? Or is that genuinely difficult for him (eg still breastfeeding frequently)?

Nothappyatwork · 20/05/2022 16:28

Which country are you living rurally in this is critical information.

ChairOfInvisibleStudies · 20/05/2022 16:29

He's completely unreasonable, but if he can't see this already, or if he can see it but doesn't care, then I don't rate the chances of him changing very highly

Waxonwaxoff0 · 20/05/2022 16:32

Bb16103 · 20/05/2022 16:06

Yes but they're not your children so it's a bit different, you don't have the same responsibility towards them.

NewandNotImproved · 20/05/2022 16:32

You cannot be unemployed and dependent on a boyfriend in another country. Disaster written all over it. Zero legal protections, he could make sure you and his kids don’t leave the country. Ditch your shit boyfriend and go home.

museumum · 20/05/2022 16:32

In my experience it is a bit like that with a 4 month old. But in another four months or so he should be able to take both children out for half a day regularly or you go out and leave both with him.

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