DP uses annual leave whenever I take the kids away

[letmeeatcrisps]

I am a SAHM who moved to his country. I have no friends, car, or job out there. No support except his mum who pops by once a week and takes my 2yo out for a couple of hours. I also have a 4 month old.
the only time I get a break to do things like see my friends, work on projects or do life admin, is by flying back to England and my mum looks after the kids. Every time I do this he uses a couple of days of annual leave, so he can have more time to himself

he Works 3 days a week. I have not even dreamed of having more than 3 hours to myself since having kids

I feel like he is mugging me off and should use his holidays to spend time with his family, am I being unreasonable?

thanks x

Literally this you are wasting the best years of your life and your opportunity to have a lovely family on somebody who won’t put a ring on it and won’t come back to England to meet your family and help you I can’t even imagine flying across the world with a toddler and a four-month-old in tow.

My husband worked full time but if I took the kids away on my own in the summer, he'd take leave and do decorating jobs so no little fingers mauled the paintwork, etc. And he had some time alone to do his own stuff. He was a hard worker, not lazy and has always been supportive of me doing whatever I wanted, though, so it never bothered me. But I suppose it depends on the family dynamics.

just checking, are they both his children?

How long have you been there and how were you convinced to go? Were both dc born there and have dual citizenship? Is your residency dependant on your dp? Is there a longer term plan for when dc have started school?

Blimey OP
when you say partner I assume you’re unmarried.
You live rurally in his home country, have no car, job or friends. What he does when you come home is the least of your problems.

Why is he working only part time? And if he is working part time, why do you not get time alone? He sounds lazy and selfish

The reality of whether mum gets time off from a 4 month old is really about baby feeding- bottle fed the of course dad should be coping with baby too or if necessary separately initially. BF babies at 4 months can be manic feeders and thus glued to mum - but only you know your baby. Others are right though once weaned I would give him no excuses to not take both out on "his afternoons" to give you a break.

In terms of 'annual leave' as a sahm to older but sen kids I get it. I don't get much time away either. I have to physically take myself out of the equation to get a break. My husband however encourages me to do this whenever he books more than 1 days annual leave. Different situation as I also have friends I can go out with of an evening.

I think if you are struggling at home you need to consider where you live and what you can do to get yourself more "in" so that you have people to do things with. It's easier to say "you're having the kids on this afternoon as I'm going to X with Y" rather than "I want some undefined time alone" although, "can you take both kids out this afternoon because I need some headspace and some time to myself" is an equally valid request of course.

To go back to his annual leave. I'd say he is entitled to take 1 or 2 days to himself- but not at the expense off family time/holidays and him giving you space.

He sounds like a lazy shit. How lovely that his only ‘job’ on his 4 days off is to take the 2 year old out for a few hours ( I bet he takes her to visit family?), while you are left alone to look after the baby and do everything else. That’s bad enough without him making sure you get no quality family time, by having his holiday when you and the kids are away. That’s no fucking marriage!

If my OH booked annual leave it would be so we could do something as a family. Or at least that would be the main factor.
If he has booked the time off why would he not go with you and spend time together? Seems odd to me but maybe he wants to have a few days to get jobs done with the kids being away?
Have you asked him why he does it?

What makes you think they’re married?

Is that how everyone does it- men get time alone, Mums don’t?!?

That's how mugs living with selfish men do it! And there's a lot of mugs and a lot of selfish men. People with higher standards get rid of men like this as soon as they realise they're selfish. They look for better partners, ones who are prepared to be a team with them, and who don't see life admin, childcare, housework etc as purely a woman's job.

Your husband is cherry picking the nice parts of parenthood (taking one child out for some fun) and leaving you with all the drugery. I expect he thinks this sorry show makes him dad-of-the-year and that you should be grateful.

Marriage should be a partnership. If he refuses to facilitate you learning the language, making friends, learning to drive, getting a job or even sleeping FFS! Then he's not a partner in your marriage, he's a selfish man getting everything he wants (children, clean house, sex, meals etc) at the expense of another human being's life (yours).

Marrying you was easier and cheaper for him than adopting children, employing a nanny, employing a cook, employing a cleaner, using a prostitute, employing a PA to do his life admin etc.

Yes OP you're being majorly mugged off.

Totally different to OP situation, they aren't your children only your husband's. And you're involved with housework, life admin, children etc the rest of the time. You're not like the OPs husband at all. You're an involved step parent and partner, occasionally carving out some alone time for yourself. Nothing wrong with that.

So sorry. That’s no fucking partnership!

Legally and financially you are extremely vulnerable, particularly if you are not married.

What are your job prospects and rights to work in your current country? Do you have savings? And are you able to receive benefits if you decide to split from your partner? Would your partner entertain a permanent move back to the UK?

If you split and you have job prospects, you could have a break on the days the children stay with their dad.

If you split but have no job prospects in that country, you could undertake some studies during the time children are with their dad, but this is only an option if you have a financial fallback such as savings or benefits since you’re not married.

Not having a real break from the children, while frustrating, really is the least of your problems.

@PinkSyCo it is important, no need to be sarky. As a single woman dependent upon a boyfriend, abroad, she’s chosen to be hugely vulnerable. And this is no ‘partnership’, either.

same to @DitzyBluebells

I agree with you, and I wasn’t actually being sarky with my reply.

Ok, sorry. Picked it up wrong in writing.

I think hes taking the absolute p*ss! He only works 3 days a week so when you're in England with the children he has days "to himself" without taking any leave. You need to put your foot down about it and maybe ask him to take the baby out some afternoons too (if you would be comfortable with that) so you have some afternoons to get on with chores at home, go shopping, see people, relax etc. Also maybe one full day every so often you go out and have a day to yourself or he goes out with the children for the day. You deserve it and he's behaving very selfishly. You could definitely learn to drive, you need to have more confidence in yourself. I learnt to drive while being a parent to a 2 year old, a baby of nearly 1 and being pregnant with my third, it's definitely doable. Good luck 💐

@NewandNotImproved my comments stand whether they're married or not.

Are you still pregnant with kid number 3? In your other thread you say he’s abusive. You urgently need to get away from this bloke, and, more importantly, your kids don’t deserve to live in an abusive house.

Also maybe one full day every so often you go out and have a day to yourself or he goes out with the children for the day

Why the fuck should she only get one day, occasionally, every so often, maybe ... When he currently gets whole 4 days a week and every single evening all to himself to do exactly as he pleases, plus a full night sleep every night? That's nowhere near equality.

Yeah that is a bit muggy.

thanks For the responses maybe I should have left out the extraneous details - yes I was silly and naive moving away. He is ten years older than me and spun me a tall tale about how him and his family&friends would support us. Surprise surprise they didn’t.

I really appreciate the encouragement re learning to drive. My self esteem is in the gutter after years of his (not so) subtle undermining and I also get nervous on roads because was in an accident when I was younger. Good to know other mums manage it ok

i am away from him “on holiday”. I left most of our belongings but wasn’t really intending to go back. We are all U.K. citizens so hopefully this won’t be seen as kidnapping . Figuring out my options. Reflecting on various aspects of our relationship hence this post

thanks again for ur replies x

Sadly it could be seen as 'kidnapping' if the children are habitually resident in the country you've been living in. You should get some proper legal advice as it will depend on what country it is and whether he will want you back.