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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to get married but not have the big wedding

84 replies

RubyEmma212121 · 18/05/2022 21:43

I have been engaged for 7 years and have two dc.

I would quite like to get married now and have seen so many quirky cool registry office weddings.

What I want to know is has any one gone really low key and regretted it? Or anyone gone big and wished they hadn't?

I realise I may upset friends and family but it's my day right.

Also if anyone has got married with 2 under 2 is it manageable or best wait until they are older?

OP posts:
Dinoteeth · 19/05/2022 07:27

Op honestly if I was to turn the clock back I'd have immediate family only.

Sod the Aunties, Uncles, cousins and friends. But really it doesn't seem to matter where you draw the line it's a very difficult line to draw.

But I couldn't not have included my parents, grandparents or siblings. You partner is very important to them too. It was THE most important thing at the time to my DGran with memory issues she'd ask multiple times per day "when is the wedding?" The important info had stuck ie the wedding but then she kept forgetting the details.

AuntieMarys · 19/05/2022 07:27

Just 2 of us and a random witness. Perfect.

DeskInUse · 19/05/2022 07:28

We buggered off to a registry office and did it without telling anyone, 2 ladies from the office were out whitenesses. I loved it and I'm still chuffed we did it that way nearly 5 years in

bumblingbovine49 · 19/05/2022 07:29

@Aprilx

toastofthetown · 19/05/2022 07:29

brookstar · 19/05/2022 07:18

If a close family member or a friend didn’t tell me they were getting married until after the event, I’d assume that we weren’t as close as I’d thought.

It's not about you though is it?

I didn’t say it was all about me, and I didn’t say that people shouldn’t be able to have the weddings they wanted. But if my sibling who I thought I was close to, regularly confided personal things to and spoke regularly with didn’t even mention that they were getting married, I’d feel the relationship was unbalanced. I wouldn’t tell them that, and would congratulate them, but privately that’s how I’d feel. I’m entitled to that, as people are to get married the way they want to.

Wertya · 19/05/2022 07:33

We eloped, so was just DH and I. Loved it, just ourselves to sort out, no dramas or big expense, it was very relaxed and a lovely day.

violetanemone · 19/05/2022 07:36

We talked about doing a small wedding. We're both quite introverted and don't like a lot of attention and fuss, but our family and friends eventually persuaded us to have a bigger event.

We were a little reluctant at first, but because it was so important to people we loved, we did go ahead and start planning.

Then, a strange thing happpened, because we actually started to get more excited about it as we were planning it.

It got cancelled twice because of Covid and we were offered the option of having a 30-person event rather than the original 120 people we'd planned for. Again, we had the option for our original small wedding, but we turned it down.

When the day finally happened (2 years after originally planned!) we were just so, so glad that we listened to our family and friends and that we waited for the big occasion.

It was just breathtaking and it's hard to explain how wonderful it can be to have all the people you care about in one place together, throwing all their love at you.

So yeah, in my experience, even though I wanted a small wedding at first, I'd now recommend the big event every time. It was truly amazing.

DogsAndGin · 19/05/2022 07:39

After being a guest at many big weddings it was always clear how exhausted and over worked the bride and groom were.

We had zero guests. The photographers were our witnesses. We absolutely loved it, have the most incredible photos, and everyone says, “I wish we’d done that! Our wedding was so expensive and stressful!”

We didn’t feel an ounce of stress - it was a lovely day. Go for it OP.

violetanemone · 19/05/2022 07:45

DogsAndGin · 19/05/2022 07:39

After being a guest at many big weddings it was always clear how exhausted and over worked the bride and groom were.

We had zero guests. The photographers were our witnesses. We absolutely loved it, have the most incredible photos, and everyone says, “I wish we’d done that! Our wedding was so expensive and stressful!”

We didn’t feel an ounce of stress - it was a lovely day. Go for it OP.

I think everyone's different aren't they?

I haven't been to any weddings where the bride and groom didn't look happy and glowing tbh. But maybe my experience is different.

I definitely have no regrets about our big wedding :) I can see why many opt for a smaller one, but I think it's something you have to really think about carefully (as I said above we had our minds changed from a smaller to bigger wedding and were very happy about that!)

If you do have a big event though, it's really all in the planning. You have to pre-empt those dipping energy levels and plan what you'll do (e.g. schedule in breaks etc) - maybe some people don't plan for these things and so they end up exhausted.

brookstar · 19/05/2022 07:48

I didn’t say it was all about me, and I didn’t say that people shouldn’t be able to have the weddings they wanted. But if my sibling who I thought I was close to, regularly confided personal things to and spoke regularly with didn’t even mention that they were getting married, I’d feel the relationship was unbalanced. I wouldn’t tell them that, and would congratulate them, but privately that’s how I’d feel. I’m entitled to that, as people are to get married the way they want to.

But expecting a couple to decide who is important enough to tell because they feel like they need to manage other peoples emotions is making about you.
If they tell you then another person will be offend that they didn't get told and so on.......it's best to just tell everyone together after the event. If you tell them before then people will turn up!

This is one day where a couple are allowed to make it about them.

toastofthetown · 19/05/2022 07:56

brookstar · 19/05/2022 07:48

I didn’t say it was all about me, and I didn’t say that people shouldn’t be able to have the weddings they wanted. But if my sibling who I thought I was close to, regularly confided personal things to and spoke regularly with didn’t even mention that they were getting married, I’d feel the relationship was unbalanced. I wouldn’t tell them that, and would congratulate them, but privately that’s how I’d feel. I’m entitled to that, as people are to get married the way they want to.

But expecting a couple to decide who is important enough to tell because they feel like they need to manage other peoples emotions is making about you.
If they tell you then another person will be offend that they didn't get told and so on.......it's best to just tell everyone together after the event. If you tell them before then people will turn up!

This is one day where a couple are allowed to make it about them.

I guess I just don’t understand how privately having feelings about something, while publicly congratulating someone, being happy for them and never mentioning how I feel is making it about me. People get to do what they want, and other people can have feelings about it. That’s how the world works for everything else and I see weddings as the same. Maybe I see it differently to most on this thread because I’m ND, I don’t know.

Dinoteeth · 19/05/2022 08:01

@toastofthetown I agree with you. One of the drivers for us having a big wedding was knowing how important it would be for our immediate families.

And this is where it gets hard, I also knew one of my Aunts and Uncles would be hurt, upset if they were excluded - but you can't invite one set of Aunties and not invite the other 3 sets. And the whole thing grew arms and legs.

Scianel · 19/05/2022 08:06

I had a registry office wedding with just the two witnesses. I have ASD and wouldn't have coped with a big day being the centre of attention. Meal out in a nice restaurant afterwards with a handful of people, then that weekend after the city-break mini honeymoon we had an evening do for a bigger group with bubbly and a buffet at a nice venue. It didn't feel stressful as there were no speeches, dances or anything like that which put the attention on me too much.
Total spend including the break away was about £1200 I think.

Sausageandeggs · 19/05/2022 08:09

I eloped. Best decision ever. Only thing I regret is the groom!

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 19/05/2022 08:09

I've been married three times and the number of guests has decreased each time - 50 invited to the first, 14 to the second, and just 6 of us including bride and groom at the last!

Staynow · 19/05/2022 08:13

Got married abroad just the two of us, perfect! Didn't want my in laws anywhere near my wedding.

Choopi · 19/05/2022 08:19

We got married in Gibraltar, just us and 2 witnesses off the street. Don't regret it for a minute. We never even considered a big wedding, it just isn't our thing so there was never any fear that we would regret not throwing a big do.

RidingMyBike · 19/05/2022 08:20

We worked it out backwards - what was the minimum we needed to get married? That was both of us(!), vicar (I'm Christian so wanted a church wedding), witnesses. I don't know the cost of just a registry office wedding but church was very cheap compared to what some friends were spending on weddings in hotels!

Then we looked at what did we actually want - wanted some of our friends there etc but to keep it simple and low cost. Friends would have to travel so wanted to offer them food. We had an afternoon tea buffet in the pub next to the church. We didn't have speeches, wedding cake, ushers, favours etc. It was timed so only our families needed to stay overnight.

It was wonderful. We had 50 friends/family there, including 15 under-5s. It was all low key and very friendly. We spent £4k on everything (including accommodation for family, my dress and honeymoon). That's over ten years ago so more expensive now.

Threetulips · 19/05/2022 08:20

We did Gretna Green with three under two.

Their outfits matched my flowers so the photos are lovely. They didn’t match each other!

They have some wood/greenery that they could run round and I brought a picnic blanket for the babies to lie on whilst we had so photos done. The whole thing cost less than £500. Still married 20 years later.

Chubarubrub · 19/05/2022 08:21

brookstar · 19/05/2022 07:18

If a close family member or a friend didn’t tell me they were getting married until after the event, I’d assume that we weren’t as close as I’d thought.

It's not about you though is it?

🤣 oh but it is! (sarcastic)

The amount of times people say to me and DP, “when are we having a wedding?” (and they’re not asking ‘we’ as in ‘us’ they definitely mean we as in ‘them’)

🙄

KangarooKenny · 19/05/2022 08:22

Best wedding I went to was a registry office - bride wore a beautiful hippy style dress - with a restaurant meal after. Because it was a table that all the guests sat round, we all talked to each other and had a laugh. It was a great day.

Changechangychange · 19/05/2022 08:35

I had 70 people at my wedding, but I was in my 20s with no kids and a big close friend group. Throwing a big glam party was the whole point. And it was amazing but it was also incredibly stressful - event management is a profession for a reason, it is massively hard work to juggle suppliers and costs. Like fuck would I be doing any of that with two kids under two.

If I was getting married now, with children, I would go for a registry office ceremony, and go to a restaurant afterwards. Or pick a small hotel that does the whole package - ceremony, meal and accommodation. And would just invite our immediate families (parents, siblings, kids).

brookstar · 19/05/2022 08:39

The amount of times people say to me and DP, “when are we having a wedding?” (and they’re not asking ‘we’ as in ‘us’ they definitely mean we as in ‘them’)
Oh yes, my friend got that a lot!

We got married quite quickly so we didn't get to that stage. I was also pregnant so we announced the wedding and pregnancy at the same time. If I hadn't have been pregnant we would have done Vegas. Ten years down the line i have zero regrets.

There was only one person who was upset and that was DH's friend. Apparently we deprived him of his chance to be best man....although he wouldn't have been anyway! I'm glad we avoided the drama.

theDudesmummy · 19/05/2022 08:42

We got married in the dining room of a priest I found on the internet (we dont have any religion and nothing religious was said, the priest just happened to be an approved official in the country where we got married, he just asked us whether we wanted to get married, we said yes and he signed a document). Just us, DH's two children and my two brothers as witnesses. I wore a pretty dress I had bought at Harvey Nichols. Then we had a barbecue in my parents' garden. That was it. It was great.

user1471538283 · 19/05/2022 08:51

My friend's wedding was them, 2 witnesses and the DC so 7 in total. Registry office and lunch. We took some photographs. It was exactly what she wanted and a lovely day.

I know of 2 couples who booked the office and then invited just 2 people as witnesses.