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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel stupid to think I could ever look good

60 replies

Wertya · 17/05/2022 14:47

I lost 100lbs, then spent 5 years running and lifting weights. I have a healthy BMI but I look big.

I have very short legs, big boobs and a saggy apron of skin on my stomach that nothing except surgery can help. I have to wear high waist and even then look pregnant (which is extra insult as I'm infertile).

I know I should focus on the health benefits but I can't. I am truly gutted I don't look better. I ran a half marathon last week and the race photos show me how I look - thick-set and wobbly, just so embarrassing.

I've worked so hard. AIBU to be gutted there's no more 'improvement' I can do? I can't change my body type/shape.

I feel like not eating until I eventually look slim.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 17/05/2022 14:50

Is surgery an option? I'm sorry OP. It must be so disheartening. I would try and focus on getting surgery somehow.

PennyPinkPineapple · 17/05/2022 14:50

100lb weight loss is incredible, you should be proud of what you've done for your health 👏

JanglyBeads · 17/05/2022 14:52

What do others say about how you look?

Bighairydogs · 17/05/2022 14:53

you poor thing - not one person ever looks good in a race photo - honest! They are so unflattering. Please don’t think that’s how you look - it’s just a really bad mid-action shot but I bet equally there would have been some great ones which show you how strong, fast & fab you look - they just don’t always send you the good links!
how many people can run a half marathon? Hardly anyone! How did it make you feel? You need to focus on that - that feeling of achievement, and how amazing & lucky you are to be able to run 13 miles. You can do nothing about having short legs, so you may as well focus on the fact they are functional and strong and carried you round.
i know all this sounds a bit trite - but please don’t let one bad photo ruin a brilliant achievement. Running a half is tough, you did it, and you should be proud of that.

WeirdManFromRummikub · 17/05/2022 14:59

Stop comparing yourself to other runners. Most good runners are the leanest specimens, slight, built for endurance.
I have a swimmer's physique- well a swimmer gone to seed- broad shoulders,broad back, lats, hench neck, huge quads-- all covered in a generous layer of blubbery flab!!!
I accept I will never look good. I look better the more covered up I am.
But I just think Fuck It and go swimming anyway. I'm in my mid50s, menopausal and arthritic... but I am the fittest, healthiest and strongest I have ever been as an adult.
Try to find and acknowledge the positives of your body.

Original poster
Wertya · 17/05/2022 15:02

That's so kind of you @Bighairydogs and if a friend felt like this I'd really want them to focus on how well they've done but I just can't feel any pride or accomplishment for anything, looking this way. :(

To answer PP - surgery would be an option for my stomach. But DH is very against this (I came close to losing my life when under general anaesthetic and he thinks it would be unreasonable to put health at risk, he's right).

And other people are very complimentary, especially my DH who says I look wonderful, but friends and family are always going to be nice.

OP posts:
Surfsupsidedown · 17/05/2022 15:15

What does a health professional say about the risks of surgery?
is your dh complimentary about how you look?
It’s an incredible achievement! Is there anything else that could be impacting how you feel?

Springhassprung86 · 17/05/2022 15:16

Firstly, OP, congratulations on your fantastic achievement. You are amazing and should be so proud of yourself.
you say your friends and family are complimentary but are only doing so to be kind. This isn’t necessarily true. It’s possible that you’re so used to looking at you old, bigger self, that you still see yourself that way, and find it difficult to adjust to the way you look now. It’s a mindset and not just a physical thing. I lost quite a lot of weight (not quite as much as you!) and for a long time, found myself picking up my old size in shops, or large, baggy, black clothes rather than new styles which complimented my new shape. It took me a long time to adjust and to see myself differently.

Fandabulous · 17/05/2022 15:22

Sounds like there's more work to do ... On your self esteem. Cbt or counseling might help.

NiqueNique · 17/05/2022 15:25

You’re not unreasonable to feel sad, of course. It’s very hard not to be overly harsh when judging oneself against unrealistic ideals. Try to be generous toward yourself the way you would be to people you love and care about. 💐

Bunce1 · 17/05/2022 15:25

i look like a bloated beetroot/Mrs Trunchbull in sweats when I am exercising!!!

I would NEVER use that as a benchmark for how I look. It’s when I look the worst!

well done on your weight loss I bet you FEEL amazing.

Original poster
Wertya · 17/05/2022 15:27

@Surfsupsidedown I have no more risk than the usual that you'd undergo for breast reduction & tummy tuck - the previous incident was purely one in a million, during a routine operation (gallbladder removal).

DH is not a massively complimentary person naturally but if I ask him, he says I look wonderful and he gets very annoyed when I say how upset my body makes me. He says the saggy skin is proof pf how far I've come, but for me it's a bitter reminder of my past.

I became overweight as a very young teenager after traumatic abuse, and spent the majority of my 20s obese and so have never felt attractive. I had hoped the weight loss would help but I feel so ugly. I know it's vain and I'm incredibly lucky to have a functioning body, I have tried so hard to be grateful for it.

OP posts:
NiqueNique · 17/05/2022 15:29

I also should have said congratulations on your fantastic achievement(s), you’ve shown great physical, emotional and mental strength.

Crimeismymiddlename · 17/05/2022 15:33

Your friends and family say you look wonderful, you probably do. In my experience if you look a bit shit people don’t say anything, or compliment your shoes or handbag.

Veol · 17/05/2022 15:35

I used to look chunky and weirdly big shouldered in race photos even when I was a slim size 8. Don’t use them as a measure!

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 17/05/2022 15:37

NOONE looks good in race photos
my DP weighs as much as your average ant and looks weirdly chunky in race photos.
don’t use them as a metric!
you ran a half marathon that is incredible!
instead of focussing on how you look what about trying to improve your time or run a full within x years instead?

anon12345anon · 17/05/2022 15:43

Oh Op..... I felt so much sympathy when I read this.
I had to look at what lbs are in stone (Blush) and that is an absolutely amazing weight loss!

Obviously you have low self esteem, but you really need to work on that!
As already said, you are obviously fit and healthy, with all your exerciseSmile

I've just been on holiday on my own, and I saw all sorts of shapes of women.......skinny ladies , bigger women..... and no one cared - honestly.....
I'm just getting to the age now, where I genuinely don't care what people think of my physical state - It's bloody liberating!!

I have a bit of a tummy, and I cannot get rid of it.....even when I was 2 stone lighter! (and the same as you, I'm infertile and have also noted the irony of looking pregnant when I'm bloated Hmm)

Anyway, no advice ...just wishing you the best Flowers

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 17/05/2022 15:44

I'm sorry that you are suffering in this way OP Flowers

You are loved and seen as attractive by others but you are very unhappy with the way you think you look and you focus on the things you dislike most.

This unhappiness with the way you look has persisted despite great changes. (Well done on those by the way.)

Is it possible that your unhappiness is really less about your looks and more about the trauma of your past?

Is this something you could get help with?
I think that you might look into this before considering surgery.
( Surgery will not help you change your view of yourself any more than weight-loss/fittness did.)

cordeliavorkosigan · 17/05/2022 15:45

If you want the surgery and are sure it's the best thing for you, don't let your husband tell you you just can't. It's your body.

RoseslnTheHospital · 17/05/2022 15:46

Would it maybe help to have some nice photos taken wearing your favourite flattering outfit, with hair and makeup done if that's something you'd do? Like a family photoshoot type thing?

No one is going to like a shot of themselves mid half marathon, even those other runners who you're comparing yourself to potentially won't like their pictures being taken in that situation. The fact that you can run a half marathon is amazing, it really is. And I know that this isn't about the physical achievements, but you have done such a great thing for yourself and your health by losing a significant amount of weight and increasing your fitness levels.

Surfsupsidedown · 17/05/2022 15:53

I would go down the surgery root to be honest, if you really aren’t happy.
I really think life is so precious and of course there are risks involved but if you can change something to help you feel better I would explore it

TheGlitterati · 17/05/2022 15:59

Wow well done Op! That’s amazing.

if the problem is skin, it doesn’t matter how much you starve yourself. Could you afford surgery? I had a tummy tuck years ago and it changed my life.

RaginaPhalange · 17/05/2022 16:02

I would go down the surgery route if I was that unhappy. Your dh can have his opinion about it but at the end of the day it's your body your choice.

picklemewalnuts · 17/05/2022 16:10

I don't believe surgery will make you happy.

You've survived trauma and fought your way to fitness after obesity. That shows incredible strength.

Have you considered therapy? It may help with image issues, as well as self esteem, trauma recovery etc.

SleeplessInEngland · 17/05/2022 16:14

Get surgery for your skin. You've done the hard work and you deserve that, at least.

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