Page 3 | Feel stupid to think I could ever look good

Beecham · 17/05/2022 22:12

I'm sorry you feel this way. I expect you're doing what most women do, and seeing only your negatives. I expect there are more positives than you think.

And for what it's worth I would kill to have big boobs. The grass is always greener.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/05/2022 22:37

TruthHertz · 17/05/2022 21:40

I thought tummy tucks were done by keyhole surgery nowadays?

I'm looking at this a bit differently tbh. Yes, the decision to act is a pivotal point and holds emotional significance, but it's also just the starting point, with the end goal being to reverse the damage as much as possible and obtain a more 'aesthetic' looking body.

I don't think it's shallow to want to look appealing to the opposite sex or to enjoy feeling attractive. In fact, it's a hardwired biological imperative for most.

I don't see why scars would remind OP of the original suffering but loose skin would signify the decision to change. I think this is wilful association for want of a better phrase. The scars could also represent the the decision to solve the issue that was causing mental distress, whilst the loose skin is actually one of the very things causing it in the first place and may still cause distress if left there in an unresolved state for OP to look at every day.

Show quote history

You're telling me what I did isn't good enough.

And you're telling me that I didn't do it for the reasons that I did.

You're actually repeating the same sentiments as an abusive person in my life. No point bothering. Only doing it to appeal to men. I apparently couldn't help it, it's the way a woman like me was programmed - to snare randoms. Might as well give up and cram in ten thousand calories a day of shit I never liked in the first place to swallow down the fear, panic and desire to scream from being trapped in a web of coercion, abuse and violence.

I exercise because I enjoy it. I love the freedom of running, surrounded by moorland and a thousand miles of sky with the wind, rain and sweat in my hair. I love the moment when I stop and sit there feeling my heart rate go back to normal and my body begins to cool down. I love only having old tendinopathy to deal with, rather than bruises, cracked bones or constant tension from fear and lack of sleep making my body hurt. I earn aching muscles doing something I love. I feel peaceful when I'm listening to a podcast in the gym and focusing upon the muscle groups I'm isolating to adjust to what my body needs. I walk home feeling good. I can do things I wasn't able to do at 30 because I am stronger and fitter and because there isn't anybody there to stop me.

I have fantastic bone mass density considering I'm a list of risk factors for osteoporosis. My heart is healthy despite risk factors I have no control over whatsoever. My VO2 max is great. I have only the tiniest signs of wear and wear in two areas, neither of which are remotely related to weight bearing. I've either not entered perimenopause yet or I'm well into it and haven't noticed a thing.

DP loves me as I am. He loves how I've changed since I met him but loved me when I hadn't changed how I treat myself. He's supported me throughout because he loves me and wants me to be happy, so he's paid for the things I've wanted, he's come out with me when three steps hurt like hell and left me feeling like my heart was going to explode with the effort. It's not about being thin for him or muscular for him - it's about feeling healthy and strong and free and peaceful.

I am sorry that you think I'm not good enough and I've only done half a job because I'm too high a risk for surgery due to other diagnoses unrelated to weight. But I am. I am good enough and I am not telling other people that they aren't good enough. Because they are.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 17/05/2022 23:33

This worries me OP. Please take care:

'How I look takes up a lot of my thoughts. Mirror checking, comparing, checking the size of my stomach, changing outfits a hundred times, I feel like if only I was happy with my body, I'd have my mind back and much more energy. '

This sounds like illness. It really does.

It is so hard to recognise if you are the one suffering but you are a strong willed woman and a survivor.

Consider if it is possible that the way this feeling about your body consumes your thoughts is a sign that something else is wrong.

Perhaps now you have done such amazing things with your physical health it could be time to work on other parts of you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/05/2022 00:53

I lost 7 stone and felt (feel) like this. I have now accepted that I have anorexia. I am not ready to deal with that yet but by accepting it I can make baby steps. I can now usually eat once a day instead of twice a week. My go to when I get stressed or angry or scared is to stop eating (always been that way, thats how I lost the 7 stone, trauma led to a total lack of appetite).

Everything you have said leads me to think that you have a similar issue, maybe not an eating disorder but it could easily become one and you have (as I do) a view of your body that is not reality. I hate my fat legs, they are wobbly and digusting, but I am a size 8 with a large skeletal frame, so I know logically that there isnt much fat there but its all I see. I hate my apron of skin, to me its fat even though again, logic is telling me it isnt.

I had a medical breast reduction (not cosmetic surgery) and it changed my life, this was 20 years ago, but it is big surgery, several hours and few months recovery so think hard about that.

Take care and PM if you want to talk x

TruthHertz · 18/05/2022 20:25

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/05/2022 22:37

You're telling me what I did isn't good enough.

And you're telling me that I didn't do it for the reasons that I did.

You're actually repeating the same sentiments as an abusive person in my life. No point bothering. Only doing it to appeal to men. I apparently couldn't help it, it's the way a woman like me was programmed - to snare randoms. Might as well give up and cram in ten thousand calories a day of shit I never liked in the first place to swallow down the fear, panic and desire to scream from being trapped in a web of coercion, abuse and violence.

I exercise because I enjoy it. I love the freedom of running, surrounded by moorland and a thousand miles of sky with the wind, rain and sweat in my hair. I love the moment when I stop and sit there feeling my heart rate go back to normal and my body begins to cool down. I love only having old tendinopathy to deal with, rather than bruises, cracked bones or constant tension from fear and lack of sleep making my body hurt. I earn aching muscles doing something I love. I feel peaceful when I'm listening to a podcast in the gym and focusing upon the muscle groups I'm isolating to adjust to what my body needs. I walk home feeling good. I can do things I wasn't able to do at 30 because I am stronger and fitter and because there isn't anybody there to stop me.

I have fantastic bone mass density considering I'm a list of risk factors for osteoporosis. My heart is healthy despite risk factors I have no control over whatsoever. My VO2 max is great. I have only the tiniest signs of wear and wear in two areas, neither of which are remotely related to weight bearing. I've either not entered perimenopause yet or I'm well into it and haven't noticed a thing.

DP loves me as I am. He loves how I've changed since I met him but loved me when I hadn't changed how I treat myself. He's supported me throughout because he loves me and wants me to be happy, so he's paid for the things I've wanted, he's come out with me when three steps hurt like hell and left me feeling like my heart was going to explode with the effort. It's not about being thin for him or muscular for him - it's about feeling healthy and strong and free and peaceful.

I am sorry that you think I'm not good enough and I've only done half a job because I'm too high a risk for surgery due to other diagnoses unrelated to weight. But I am. I am good enough and I am not telling other people that they aren't good enough. Because they are.

Show quote history

I'm telling you no such thing.

It just sounded like you were giving a somewhat biased opinion to the OP, suggesting that surgery might remind her of the negative elements whilst living with it would remind her of her decision to act. The latter could also lead to her being frustrated at a later point that she didn't have surgery.

TruthHertz · 18/05/2022 20:31

To be clear, I was referring to the OPs potential goals when I wrote the below. Not yours.

the decision to act is a pivotal point and holds emotional significance, but it's also just the starting point, with the end goal being to reverse the damage as much as possible and obtain a more 'aesthetic' looking body.

The OP said the following and this leads me to believe that she is concerned with the aesthetic side. I was trying to make the point that there are options to resolve it. This topic isn't about you.

I know I should focus on the health benefits but I can't. I am truly gutted I don't look better. I ran a half marathon last week and the race photos show me how I look - thick-set and wobbly, just so embarrassing.

I've worked so hard. AIBU to be gutted there's no more 'improvement' I can do? I can't change my body type/shape.

Original poster

Wertya · 19/05/2022 07:01

Thank you so much for the guidance and advice - I do recognise my feelings and preoccupation with how I look verges on being unhealthy.

I don't feel it's masking feelings for other trauma - the therapy and work I've done to recover have been so positive. I think it's 100% just about the aestheticness of my body. Maybe I had unrealistic hopes.

I just, hand on heart, want to look slim and fit. With years of hard work, it's a kick in the stomach that I look fat and unfit. I can only wear certain clothes, have to hide my stomach, can never wear a bikini, my boobs are big but only due to the skin being wedged into my bra, also have loose skin around my armpits so I can only wear sportsbras, as the band strap of normal bras are so uncomfortable.

Doesn't make me feel like a woman. I'm just a person living inside this saggy, ugly sas and deflated body.

@NeverDropYourMooncup what a lovely post thank you x I absolutely take all your points. At the moment I feel like a big scar would be more than welcome to rid me of this saggy skin - I feel compelled to cut it off myself, much is my hatred for it. :(

Sorry for ranting away! And thank you for reading if you've read this far. It helps to get it out. I can't be honest with friends/family, they don't understand I think because I hide all the worst bits as best I can.

OP posts:

TruthHertz · 19/05/2022 22:35

Wertya · 19/05/2022 07:01

Thank you so much for the guidance and advice - I do recognise my feelings and preoccupation with how I look verges on being unhealthy.

I don't feel it's masking feelings for other trauma - the therapy and work I've done to recover have been so positive. I think it's 100% just about the aestheticness of my body. Maybe I had unrealistic hopes.

I just, hand on heart, want to look slim and fit. With years of hard work, it's a kick in the stomach that I look fat and unfit. I can only wear certain clothes, have to hide my stomach, can never wear a bikini, my boobs are big but only due to the skin being wedged into my bra, also have loose skin around my armpits so I can only wear sportsbras, as the band strap of normal bras are so uncomfortable.

Doesn't make me feel like a woman. I'm just a person living inside this saggy, ugly sas and deflated body.

@NeverDropYourMooncup what a lovely post thank you x I absolutely take all your points. At the moment I feel like a big scar would be more than welcome to rid me of this saggy skin - I feel compelled to cut it off myself, much is my hatred for it. :(

Sorry for ranting away! And thank you for reading if you've read this far. It helps to get it out. I can't be honest with friends/family, they don't understand I think because I hide all the worst bits as best I can.

I don't think your fellings border on unhealthy at all. You're not an emaciated person who thinks they're too fat or a beefy bloke with muscle dysmorphia who thinks he isn't big enough despite being huge.

You have a condition that most people would be self conscious about. It's not problem if it doesn't bother you, but if it does you should defo explore options. I think it's unlikely that you'd regret getting rid of the loose skin.

chubbachub · 19/05/2022 22:40

Well done on your weight loss.

My advice is to compare a picture of yourself at your biggest with the race photo and see how you feel about it then.

quietnightmare · 19/05/2022 22:41

Half marathon. You are amazing