Feel stupid to think I could ever look good

[Wertya]

I lost 100lbs, then spent 5 years running and lifting weights. I have a healthy BMI but I look big.

I have very short legs, big boobs and a saggy apron of skin on my stomach that nothing except surgery can help. I have to wear high waist and even then look pregnant (which is extra insult as I'm infertile).

I know I should focus on the health benefits but I can't. I am truly gutted I don't look better. I ran a half marathon last week and the race photos show me how I look - thick-set and wobbly, just so embarrassing.

I've worked so hard. AIBU to be gutted there's no more 'improvement' I can do? I can't change my body type/shape.

I feel like not eating until I eventually look slim.

@picklemewalnuts you really can’t say that unless you’ve actually been in the OPs position. No amount of therapy was ever going to make me happy with my apron of skin. But trust me the surgery made me very happy indeed. It doesn’t even cross my mind any more to worry about what I’m wearing or what the weather is doing. There is something freeing in confidence.

This isn’t something surgery can fix. You’ve lost a whole person in body weight, developed good exercise habits and have run half marathon. Please be proud of those achievements. Work with your body, it’s not going anywhere without you so you might as well be friends. I know these things are easier said than done but maybe your at the point in your journey where it’s time to work on your inner voice.

That's why I said 'I don't believe...' @TheGlitterati. It made you happy, it may not make OP happy- or indeed it may.

I have lost 80+lbs, and have the apron, and all the other frustrations about my appearance. My personal concern is more about how I can be sure I won't slip back and pile the weight on, whether my tendency to binge eat is best controlled by controlling my weight or by working my mind... some of the methods that are keeping me at target weight may be perpetuating the deprivation/binge cycle.

There is so much to consider, in managing our physical and emotional health.

I expressed an opinion. Only OP can know. It's also not unreasonable for her husband to fear losing her, and all that involves, over an elective surgery.

Wow you have done amazingly and should feel so absolutely proud of yourself, you ran a half marathon! And it sounds like your dh is lovely as well. I agree with the poster above that if friends don't think you look good they will usually comment on your dress or your shoes not actually tell you you look amazing so I bet you look amazing.

Well done OP, you have done an amazing thing for your health and you should be so proud of yourself!

Weight training is brilliant, but it does build muscle, so maybe you could reduce that and try something that tones without bulking? I know people say it doesn’t necessarily bulk you but in some people’s experience it really does.

I have short legs too btw.

I’ve found Pilates the best thing for toning myself. I genuinely look better since starting it as it seems to tone you in all the right places.

Also look up the slim legs programme - Rachael Attard. She looks at your body shape and gives you exercises that are suitable.

I understand that you just want to feel happy in your own skin 🙂

Franklyfrost · 17/05/2022 16:19
This isn’t something surgery can fix. You’ve lost a whole person in body weight, developed good exercise habits and have run half marathon. Please be proud of those achievements. Work with your body, it’s not going anywhere without you so you might as well be friends. I know these things are easier said than done but maybe your at the point in your journey where it’s time to work on your inner voice.

This in buckets.

I don’t know you but I’m proud of you. I had some body image issues for a while and had to over come horrible injuries to be able to exercise again.
I have learnt to love my body. My legs will never be longer or daintier, I’ll never look graceful in photos and my boobs are always going to be a bit saggy. But I’m so grateful and proud my body has served me so well and allowed me the joy of being able to run again.

What do you think would change about your lifeblood you looked differently?

you have a husband who loves you and finds you attractive so you’ve already got the thing most women would want they think attractiveness could influence.

I suspect this is very much still about the unresolved underlying trauma that led to your weight gain. And you can’t think your way out of that!!

youvw done the amazing work of losing weight - maybe now focus on trying to come to terms with trauma?

that said I personally think a boob reduction and excess skin removal can make people feel physically more comfortable

Well done on the weight loss. When I managed to get from obesity into a healthy BMI I will admit I was not super thrilled about my looks. I could hide the problem areas with clothes to some extent. I then got into weight lifting quite seriously (not competitive but I can lift more than my body weight now) when I hired a personal trainer. I wasn't doing it for looks but for health (peri meno age and concerns about osteoporosis) but it has made a big difference. It has really pulled in my waist though I have lost very little further weight and am still BMI 24. You say you have been doing weights but have really been going for it and lifting heavy? Might be worth a try. It's a shame to have come so far and still be so unhappy with how you look. Although you should also consider whether you have some elements of body dysmorphia. I realise not much can be done about the apron without surgery but you may be being overly-critical and maybe some counselling could help?

Thank you so much for your replies - honestly they're all much appreciated.

I agree that my self esteem is low, and it's hard for me to accept I've done well as this feels arrogant - I've just been lucky enough to have the time/opportunity to learn about nutrition and then be able to exercise.

To answer PP - I've had some trauma therapy which helped, and CBT for anxiety, which was brilliant.

I think I struggle to have a better self image because the truth is that I have an ugly body. And I wish I could focus on strength and progress, but all I see is a flabby, saggy, unattractive body. No accomplishments are helping. :(

I don't even want to be attractive for the purpose of attracting anyone, I love my husband very much.

How I look takes up a lot of my thoughts. Mirror checking, comparing, checking the size of my stomach, changing outfits a hundred times, I feel like if only I was happy with my body, I'd have my mind back and much more energy.

I just feel so gutted that I've worked so hard for years and years now, but I've not even come close to looking slim/fit and healthy.

Yes this
Speaking as someone with body dysmorphic disorder, it's never really about the way you look.

I totally understand why you want the surgery. If it's the anaesthetic your husband is worried about why don't you take him to a consultation with you?

But it’s NOT THE TRUTH!!!!!

OP you will be able to work through the trauma and then realise that this is nothing to do with your body

It’s not the truth. And I can tell you about all the gorgeous confident women I know with their saggy tits and stretch marks and cellulitis and how they just don’t care. I don’t. I have a massive scar. Don’t care. It’s part of me- I earned that ducking scar!!!

more therapy I think is required because your brain needs to catch up to where your body is at. It’s AMAZING.

I agree. I think you can even get operations on BNPL nowadays.

I totally see why you'd feel frustrated to lose all this weight and still not be happy with how you look. Good thing is it almost certainly possible to sort.

I lost over 6 stone in my late 40's and everything was deflated and saggy afterwards.

I have an apron tummy too ( probably A lot bigger than yours! ) after being obese for 27 years and having 5 DC's.

I had surgery on my neck as that was super saggy and I was able to have it under a local. I too won't risk
Surgery on my tummy due to having to go under a full GA even if I could afford it.

Well done OP that's a massive weight loss. As people have pointed out it's a real achievement and it's sad you are so down on yourself.

I think it's quite possible it has everything to do with her body. Wanting to achieve the generally accepted ideal of 'a good figure' is a perfectly acceptable goal.

I train hard because I Iike having a pert arse, flat stomach, and toned arms. If others are happy how they look then I'm happy for them, but I don't get this supposed 'honour' in accepting a body you're not happy with. Like the fat acceptance movement who often doth seem to protest too much.

If you don't like your body then change it. The vast majority of people can, with varying degrees of effort required in different cases.

Look at it this way....most people are too lazy to do a half marathon and most people can't lift 5kg without complaining. Only 10% of the population exercises regularly. Even less can do a half marathon. Your body isn't perfect (most people are unhappy with something) but your achievement is huge and now your body is stronger than it's ever been. You've done so well and should be so proud.

What an amazing achievement!

Weight training is brilliant, but it does build muscle, so maybe you could reduce that and try something that tones without bulking?

There is only really fat loss and muscle gain in the equation. What you refer to as 'bulking' is just a higher level of muscle gain. I think there are far more women who don't do enough weight training than those who do too much. Even female athletes usually look great and they're strong as hell.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit clunky, I'm trying to put words to the feelings I have and think you might as well.

You were so very, very unhappy - which meant you acted in a way that harmed you.

Your body showed you everyday how much you hurt and acted as a constant reminder of that unhappiness and hurt. So when you looked at yourself, you saw your hurt.

You've done so amazingly well in taking that hurt and unhappiness and changing how you treated yourself - because you knew you deserved kinder treatment.

However, at the moment, you're focusing on the after effects on your body of what happened to make you unhappy despite all that time, effort, blood, sweat - and I'll reckon a fair few tears - that you put in to prove to yourself that you deserved more from yourself. Not to prove you deserved more from others (you absolutely did) but to allow yourself to treat you more kindly.

I'm not a massive fan of my apron. Each time I lose some more weight, it changes from loose to smaller/not so loose and back and at present, it's in the slapping sounds when I run stage (I probably need the next size down compression leggings or some sort of high waist, long leg compression shorts to wear underneath). BUT I CAN RUN.

I'm not trapped with the only way to respond to a horrible situation being to swallow down my pain, fear and anger with food and making me too heavy to be treated the way I was all those years ago. I'm not trapped by my body being too heavy to run. So I run. Because I am FREE to do so.

I have this extra part of me that I'd rather not have, but it's still far better than having it at full stretch as it was when I was carrying around all that extra weight emotional pain with me. I'll take any 'meh' or 'ugh' feelings about it and use them to fuel my next run or gym session - one that I would never have been able to do at my heaviest - hell, I wouldn't have got in through the pod doors in the first place.

Surgery is absolutely your choice with the appropriate surgeon and anaesthetist to ensure the risks are minimised - but it is possible that if you were to have it, you would then look at the surgery scars and focus upon those as a reminder of your original suffering, rather than of the amazing time when you decided that you deserved better and, bravely, determinedly, put in so much work and physical pain to make that happen.

Further therapy could help you focus upon your freedom and the way you took a huge and scary, difficult step to change the way you reacted to your pain. But it could also help you see that that strong, healthy body with some loose skin doesn't represent your trauma and suffering, it represents when you were your bravest and put yourself first. Because you knew you deserved better. And you DID it. Nobody else - YOU did it.

That’s lovely ☺️

I thought tummy tucks were done by keyhole surgery nowadays?

I'm looking at this a bit differently tbh. Yes, the decision to act is a pivotal point and holds emotional significance, but it's also just the starting point, with the end goal being to reverse the damage as much as possible and obtain a more 'aesthetic' looking body.

I don't think it's shallow to want to look appealing to the opposite sex or to enjoy feeling attractive. In fact, it's a hardwired biological imperative for most.

I don't see why scars would remind OP of the original suffering but loose skin would signify the decision to change. I think this is wilful association for want of a better phrase. The scars could also represent the the decision to solve the issue that was causing mental distress, whilst the loose skin is actually one of the very things causing it in the first place and may still cause distress if left there in an unresolved state for OP to look at every day.

How on earth could a tummy tuck be done by keyhole?! 😂

You can 100% get a 'scarless' tummy tuck which used different technology. I'm not sure whether it can be used with more pronounced cases or not but it defo exists.

That’s for very mild cases. Someone with a lot of excess skin wound not be a candidate.