To get irritable with my boyfriend of 2 years constantly commenting on how attractive the women on screen are?

[EmpyreanIsles]

I think I’m normally a very reasonable person. I am inclined to be a little insecure admittedly, but I think I handle it and I’m not in the habit of making this other people’s problem. Nevertheless perhaps someone wiser/more mature/emotionally grounded etc could guide me on how not to get wound up by this. It doesn’t spoil EVERY programme or film we watch but it does frequently piss me right off and spoil my enjoyment and any feelings of quiet intimacy of watching something together. I find I’m managing those feelings instead of enjoying the show. I am just so fed up of hearing how beautiful, graceful, elegant, Hepburn-esque, sexy the women on our tv screen are. Their teeth, their eyes, their legs, their hair. It’s so bloody annoying.

I have finally said something about it and essentially he’s gone all quiet and said he wouldn’t intentionally offend me and to call him when I’m ready and gone back to his own house. To me that isn’t the same as being interested in why your partner is upset or being genuinely sorry. So he has left this morning and avoided asking anything or acknowledging how I feel in any meaningful way. I am possibly being hard work and I know you guys won’t hold back in letting me know.

Does anyone else get this on a regular basis and are you bothered by it or not? And if not, how do you rise above it. I have thought about doing the same to see if he notices but a) I think that would be childish and unhelpful and b) there are way fewer genuinely attractive men on screen than women so it’s harder to comment! And it just doesn’t feel like me to do that.

I realise that this could be a bit thought-policey or controlling and that’s why I have never mentioned it before because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or feel like he can’t express himself freely but I can’t go on listening to it either because it’s getting right on my wick.

Our relationship is otherwise pretty good and he is a caring, loving partner but this drives me up the wall. It’s possibly not helped by the fact that he isn’t that forthcoming with compliments on my appearance and all of his commentary illustrates just how far I am from what it is that he seems to find attractive. Maybe I am being excessively needy or narcissistic.

Anyone else feel like this or am I being unreasonable and a bit of a twat to have asked him if he could stop doing this because I find it really annoying. I feel worse now than I did before because he has neither apologised nor asked why I feel like that and he hasnt demonstrated that he cares how I feel. Perhaps I’m not entitled to expect that and it would be understandable if he felt defensive in the first instance but I suspect he is going to be feeling all hard done by and unless I force the issue (which doesn’t feel right for me to do), he will never broach it again of his own accord.

Thank you for reading this. It really is a storm in a teacup in many ways but any views and insights welcome!

If thats how it makes you feel then thats how it makes you feel.

Personally this would/does not bother me, If i see an attractive Woman or man on tv, I wouldn't think twice about saying it and neither would dp but that is just us.

Thanks ZeroFuchs. I really appreciate your view.

It may well be that I need to work on being less sensitive somehow rather him having to hold back and police what he is saying. I know that’s not necessarily what you are saying but it’s something for me to think about.

It would bother me - I don't really care whether my husband finds other people attractive, but I don't need to hear details of it and it's pretty rude to interrupt a show you're both watching with a commentary on someone else's looks.

You're not policing his thoughts, just asking him to keep them to himself- it's not an unreasonable request, but his response suggests that he expects you to embrace all his foibles without complaint which is pretty unrealistic!!

Can you try a thought experiment? Comment on the men in a similar way and see how he reacts. Hopefully it will instigate a useful discussion rather than a massive row.

My ex husband used to look at women in the street and be obvious about it. So I decided to play him at his own game.
We were sitting at the traffic lights in the car, a young attractive man was walking along the pavement near us. So I said phwoar he's gorgeous and turned my head to follow him as he walked past.
Husband got the point!

Sorry, I missed a bit from my post!
I was supposed to add after my first paragraph that regardless if its not meant to deliberately upset you it does and he should respect that.

Start doing the same, " wow, look at the size of his arms" "oh gosh, how often do you think he spends in the gym to have that chest" etc etc

My ex-partner used to do this. Looking back I now realise it was a way of grinding me down, nibbling away my confidence and self-esteem so that I became increasingly dependent on him for validation.

It began in the looks-department with the idea that he had these high standards that I wasn't living up to (because TV women were getting constant compliments and I wasn't). But I convinced myself that was okay because lots of TV women are beautiful - it's their job - and because they're not really 'real' like our friends or neighbours. Still, I began to change my appearance, style, demeanor to be more like TV women.

But then it moved on. It moved outside of the looks-department. And it moved on to 'real-life' women. So he'd talk about his female colleagues being really clever and ambitious. But he'd never compliment me on my intelligence or ambition. He'd talk about our female neighbours being really kind, or the women in the post office being funny, or the women who volunteer in the local park being amazing gardeners. Needless to say, I never got any compliments about this stuff. Individually these things shouldn't, and didn't, matter. But added together and stacked up against the fact I never got compliments, it did matter.

Of course when I called him out on it, he did what your partner has done - he sulked, he said I was insane, he said I was paranoid.

Thank you, Dysmal. I’m glad I am not the only one to find this annoying.

Like you, I don’t care or mind that he finds other people attractive - of course he does - I just don’t need to hear about it.

I guess both views are reasonable but we need to be on the same page. I don’t want to make anyone change but I do think it’s ok to ask people to consider if they can do more or less of something if possible.

I think you have hit the nail on the head and he would probably take the view that we should accept each other’s foibles and that is love.

He very seldom criticises me although we have slightly different parenting styles and that can occasionally cause a little friction. But he would say that he accepts me as I am. I kind of don’t buy that because everybody is annoying and could do with being asked if they could do something differently from time to time. Maybe I wouldn’t take it very well and maybe he is being very loving by never flagging anything I am doing wrong.

His previous marriage ended after years of drifting apart which ended with him having an affair and I think I worry that he will say nothing to me and then one day walk off with an another woman and I’ll find out that unbeknown to me I was actually pissing him off all these years! 😆

I think I’m realising that we possibly have different approaches to communication and tolerance and acceptance of each other’s quirks and flaws. He takes a warts and all acceptance approach and maybe I want to talk and change things.

Hmmm, thank you folks. It has already helped me to hear what you think and to ponder and write these things down.

Wow, while I was writing that so many of you have come back with really thoughtful, helpful responses. Thank you so much!

That's a hard one to answer, I mean my DH sometimes comments on women on TV, I normally agree with him, sometimes I even comment on the women. But It might get annoying if it was constant and really that specific all the time. So I'm not sure what my opinion on this is really

I have thought about doing this, CuntAmongstThePigeons! But I thought I might make things worse. With hindsight it would have been a better, more light-hearted way to approach things.

I’m in a same sex relationship so we both comment on women we find attractive and what we like about them like “she’s got beautiful eyes” “her lips are amazing”, it really doesn’t bother me at all.

Maybe you should start telling him when you see attractive men and see his reaction?

It does sound a bit over the top. I have been in plenty of relationships over the years and I have never known any man make such obvious comments like that.

Truffle, thank you for sharing your story. I do think there could be some crossover. I don’t think he is deliberately trying to undermine me, but he may on some level be trying to let me know what he likes. I’m not really sure. I guess I should straight up ask him.

I'd absolutely hate this. I'm sure DH notices attractive women, as I do attractive men, we both have eyes in our heads, but I don't see any need to point it out the person you are with because you are sexually attracted to. It's just rude.

Its funny you say that Elsie because I actually find some people on screen mesmerising myself but I seldom mention it. Maybe because it isn’t a sexual attraction, it’s like enjoying a beautiful landscape, or sunset or looking at a work of art. I mean some people are just beautiful to behold but I just would never comment on it. Maybe it’s all in my head and I find beautiful people too distracting and am therefore giving too much headspace to his inane comments.

I completely get where you’re coming from OP and I think in small doses it’s okay ie if you are both discussing celebrity crushes and everyone is chiming in and taking part. Then it’s more innocent to me somehow. But to not be able to watch a film with your partner ever without them feeling the need to point out how attractive the women are? Nah, too much. There’s simply no need. Your point about him not complimenting you enough really hit home with me as well. a) He should do better and b) then he really shouldn’t comment on looks full stop.

If all you did was ask him to stop commenting on looks of celebrities, he had no reason to sulk or leave your home. That’s just petty of him. He should have just said “Oops, I truly didn’t realise I was doing it. I will stop now”. It really didn’t have to turn into such a big thing.

I think so much depends on tone and context. My lovely husband might say ‘she’s very pretty isn’t she?’ and I might say the same about particularly hunky men on screen but neither of us feels bad about it because it’s not said in a way that makes either of us feel bad about ourselves.

My horrible ex though would drool over women on screen and say gross pervey things that would just make me feel like shit and like I could never live up to his standard. But then get huffy if I tried saying anything similar about a man.

If it’s making you feel crap then you’re entitled to tell him how you feel without him storming out in a huff.

Just do it back.

Say you hear X’s boyfriend has a nine inch dick, with a gleam in your eye

Blatantly stare at topless (fit) men at the beach or wherever

If watching a handsome actor comment on how ripped he is and make a filthy joke

Its a mild form of negging, just do it back

It may well be that I need to work on being less sensitive somehow rather him having to hold back and police what he is saying.

This is such a red flag to me. You should never feel like you have to moderate your own feelings to keep someone else happy, that’s the start of a very slippery slope in a relationship. Being able to calmly tell your partner how you’re feeling and when you’re upset, even if you feel like you’re being totally irrational, and have your feelings heard without it causing a blazing row, is such an important part of a healthy relationship. He doesn’t have to ‘police’ what he’s saying and ‘hold back’, no, but he should be capable of recognising that something might upset you and delivering it in a more sensitive way.

Why did you wait 2 years to say something???

Just tell him that its fine that he thinks those things, but that it leaves you feeling a bit bad/sad when he says them. So going forward, can he please refrain from comments . thanks. Thats it

Dont go petty and do the same to him like some pp suggested. You are not 12. (I hope)

If he is constantly commenting on their appearances and often holds back giving you compliments then I would question whether he is trying to knock your confidence... after a while it would start to bother me too. Why the need to comment on these women ? Is he trying to make you jealous ? That's what I'd be wondering anyway. It's fine to say someone is beautiful or acknowledge it if it comes up in conversation but to always be commenting does sound a bit weird and off putting. I would feel the same op but the again I'm used to my husband complimenting me a lot. Never giving compliments seems a bit soul distorting after a while and downright nasty comments from a partner is just abuse (not saying that's you of course! Just agreeing with how you feel).

I realise that this could be a bit thought-policey or controlling and that’s why I have never mentioned it before because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or feel like he can’t express himself freely
It really isn't thought-policey of you.
He can think whatever he likes in the privacy of his own head.
Why he feels the urge to share those thoughts on other women with his g/f is beyond me.

I have finally said something about it and essentially he’s gone all quiet and said he wouldn’t intentionally offend me and to call him when I’m ready and gone back to his own house. To me that isn’t the same as being interested in why your partner is upset or being genuinely sorry. So he has left this morning and avoided asking anything or acknowledging how I feel in any meaningful way. I am possibly being hard work and I know you guys won’t hold back in letting me know.
You are not being hard work.
The person who went "quiet" ie got all huffy when his ill mannered behaviour was questioned - who made a melodramatic declaration before sulking off back home, & who didn't bother to acknowledge or explore his g/f's feelings ... yeah, that's the one being "'hard work".

he has neither apologised nor asked why I feel like that and he hasnt demonstrated that he cares how I feel. Perhaps I’m not entitled to expect that
STOP RIGHT THERE
You don't feel you are entitled to have your b/f apologise for upsetting you, or care about your feelings?

What is going on with that?
You seriously don't need to be that diffident.
You should absolutely expect emotional care & support from a b/f!

If he doesn't give it to you - what are you going to do?
Because I think you need to do a little work on your self-esteem before worrying about the fact that your b/f has just acted like an oaf.
If he continues being an oaf, will you sack him off?
Because you are with YOU for life. He is possibly just a passing phase.

Please buy yourself a present - this book - & investigate some counselling or therapy with an expert who will help you raise the standards you expect for yourself. You should not be questioning yourself like this. You have the right to be treated with respect & dignity. Your b/f is at best immature, At worst - he actually doesn't give a shit about your feelings - he's only concerned with his own, which is why he's taken them home for a good sulk instead of owning his shit & discussing the issue with you in a compassionate & constructive manner.
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

You guys are so so wise and measured and thank you all for your takes on this . It has been so helpful to think this through with your input.

I could allow this to spiral in my head but having considered it with all of you I am not going to make a huge deal of it but nor am I going to apologise. I will just be matter of fact and tell him that I have held off on saying anything up to now because I didn’t want to be petty but could he please dial down the commentary because it’s actually interfering with my relaxation.

I can’t wait to go and see Top Gun when it comes out. I will remain silent throughout. 😄