To get irritable with my boyfriend of 2 years constantly commenting on how attractive the women on screen are?

[EmpyreanIsles]

I think I’m normally a very reasonable person. I am inclined to be a little insecure admittedly, but I think I handle it and I’m not in the habit of making this other people’s problem. Nevertheless perhaps someone wiser/more mature/emotionally grounded etc could guide me on how not to get wound up by this. It doesn’t spoil EVERY programme or film we watch but it does frequently piss me right off and spoil my enjoyment and any feelings of quiet intimacy of watching something together. I find I’m managing those feelings instead of enjoying the show. I am just so fed up of hearing how beautiful, graceful, elegant, Hepburn-esque, sexy the women on our tv screen are. Their teeth, their eyes, their legs, their hair. It’s so bloody annoying.

I have finally said something about it and essentially he’s gone all quiet and said he wouldn’t intentionally offend me and to call him when I’m ready and gone back to his own house. To me that isn’t the same as being interested in why your partner is upset or being genuinely sorry. So he has left this morning and avoided asking anything or acknowledging how I feel in any meaningful way. I am possibly being hard work and I know you guys won’t hold back in letting me know.

Does anyone else get this on a regular basis and are you bothered by it or not? And if not, how do you rise above it. I have thought about doing the same to see if he notices but a) I think that would be childish and unhelpful and b) there are way fewer genuinely attractive men on screen than women so it’s harder to comment! And it just doesn’t feel like me to do that.

I realise that this could be a bit thought-policey or controlling and that’s why I have never mentioned it before because I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or feel like he can’t express himself freely but I can’t go on listening to it either because it’s getting right on my wick.

Our relationship is otherwise pretty good and he is a caring, loving partner but this drives me up the wall. It’s possibly not helped by the fact that he isn’t that forthcoming with compliments on my appearance and all of his commentary illustrates just how far I am from what it is that he seems to find attractive. Maybe I am being excessively needy or narcissistic.

Anyone else feel like this or am I being unreasonable and a bit of a twat to have asked him if he could stop doing this because I find it really annoying. I feel worse now than I did before because he has neither apologised nor asked why I feel like that and he hasnt demonstrated that he cares how I feel. Perhaps I’m not entitled to expect that and it would be understandable if he felt defensive in the first instance but I suspect he is going to be feeling all hard done by and unless I force the issue (which doesn’t feel right for me to do), he will never broach it again of his own accord.

Thank you for reading this. It really is a storm in a teacup in many ways but any views and insights welcome!

It may well be that I need to work on being less sensitive

It isn't.

You are exactly as sensitive as your feelings tell you you are.
Nobody else gets to judge that for you.

What you need to work on is ways of being more assertive.
Getting to a place inside you where you realise - for example:

1. i am feeling sensitive! it's because my b/f is making inappropriate comments about women
2. that's ok. I'll just explain it to him. "Hey b/f, I get you think she's hot, but I don't need to hear it. Could you keep those kind of thoughts to yourself? Thanks so much"
3. He is acting huffy about it. What to do? "b/f - it's not a biggie, I just need you to understand my feelings on this. You wouldn't like it if i constantly made lecherous remarks about all the sexy men on telly, would you? I'm just asking you to have some sensitivity about it."
4. He either 'gets it' - all is well. OR
5. He refuses to "get it", doubles down, huffs, blames you for having feelings, considers only himself, & makes All Sorts Of Awkward. At this point - you sack him. He's only a b/f. You dont have any impediment stopping you from sacking him. You get yourself single, & are available to met a more respectful man.

It sounds really boring. A high proportion of people on the telly are attractive, so much so that it doesn’t seem worth pointing it out. I would just find this tedious as a point of discussion.

”she has lovely teeth”
”yes Bob, they’re straight and white aren’t they.”

boring aside though, I expect he’s doing this to make you feel insecure. Don’t let him.

Yep, exactly the same for me, it was very much part of grinding me down, so that when I heard about his cheating, I felt like I wasn't good enough and it was somehow my fault.

So you have to think really carefully about whether there are other red flags (and it's sounds like there is a big one in how he takes into account your feelings or not, as the case may be).

His previous marriage ended after years of drifting apart which ended with him having an affair and I think I worry that he will say nothing to me and then one day walk off with an another woman and I’ll find out that unbeknown to me I was actually pissing him off all these years!

People don't have affairs because they are secretly pissed off with their partners.
They have affairs because they are cheating arseholes.

I think I’m realising that we possibly have different approaches to communication and tolerance and acceptance of each other’s quirks and flaws. He takes a warts and all acceptance approach and maybe I want to talk and change things.

^ actually I would say he takes a stop moaning or I'll withdraw approach which probably contributed to his affair.

It really is a storm in a teacup in many ways
It's not though.
People have given you their expierences.
If you have anything about you dont put up with this bull shit.

Personally I wouldnt call back if that's the way he is playing.

Glad to see you are not going to apologise OP.
AND that you are managing to keep a sense of humour about you. (the top gun comment)

Well done! You've done sod-all to apologise for.
If he'd accidentally stood on your toe, you'd point it out & expect an apology, & an enquiry about how much it hurt, wouldn't you?

Expect that.
If you don't get it - you know what to do.

To me it sounds like a way to subtly punish you and undermine your self esteem. Why he would do this, even he probably does not know. But I would tell him to shut the fuck up.

Negging.
He is slowly trying to chip away at your confidence likely. If it makes you uncomfortable then that’s how you feel, definitely don’t apologise for it or feel there’s something wrong with you or that you’re being over sensitive. You’re not.

Just downright rude and horrible. Dh has never done this. I keep my views of Cillian Murphy in peaky blinders to myself too.

Hi Cigarettes and Kettricken,

sorry I hadn’t seen your response when I replied. It’s really useful to know that I am not being unreasonable. And I do have work to do on what is reasonable to expect. That’s a work in progress and you have all helped me here with figuring out where the boundary is for me personally.

He has been a bit careless with my feelings but I don’t think it’s deliberate. I have asked him before why he talks about colleagues in terms of their attractiveness. I think there might be something of that lurking behind this for me because he seems a little put out by one of his protégés not taking him up on an opportunity for progression and I think there is something small there that is troubling me ( like a crush perhaps) and it has come out obliquely here.

He is a very caring person and he does show his love in many meaningful ways but I think he also avoids issues and pushes things to one side a lot. I think it was interesting that he didn’t really apologise and so I think he is sorry I’m hurt but doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. I suspect he will think the problem is my self-esteem and not his commentary. I think it’s probably a bit of both.

Having said all of that he is a genuinely very good, caring and loving person. To be fair to him, I should clarify that he does give me compliments on who I am as a human being. He says Im kind and compassionate etc, lots of nice things but actually I would like him to sound as animated about how attractive I am to him as he sounds about women on screen or maybe just flirt with me a bit more.

Anyway, you have all really helped me to find some clarity on this. Thank you so much for taking the time and for all of your thoughtful insights.

That is such a useful template, Kettricken. Thank you.

First of all, I agree with those who say you’re not being too sensitive. I think he’s being insensitive.

Secondly, this isn’t a one-size-fits-all type of universal answer. People are very different. This is a bit like monogamy: some people are monogamists and some are not. We all have different levels of interest in other people. And there is no right or wrong in that regard. However, there is a necessity for being with someone who is willing to understand your level of interest, and be willing to meet you on it. There are couples for whom they spent a lot of time noticing and commenting on others. If it works for them, awesome. There are also couples who feel that it erodes the intimacy of their relationship to be this way. In other words, the grass grows where you water it. I’m personally one of those types. I’ve been with men of the former type and it simply does not work. His attention is elsewhere. It’s not on me. I’m now in a relationship with a guy who thinks I shit gold dust, and the difference is night and day. He isn’t naturally interested in giving his attention elsewhere. And he would hate it if I did too. we have discussed this extensively. Communication is vital in any relationship, and where your values match is a key to success.

Just some things to consider. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

I don't think you should necessarily expect an apology from him, as you've never mentioned this before so he may honestly not have realised it was bothering you.

What you should expect is for him to emerge from his sulk and STOP doing it (or at least cut it right back to very occasional) now that he does know.

If he doesn't do that, you'll know that he is not a kind person.

The sulking thing would also bother me. It sounds like the two of you could improve your communication more generally.

I have been asking myself if I call him or not. This morning I was thinking “no way” and he can call me when he has worked out that he needs to either apologise properly or try to understand/acknowledge why it might be annoying.

Now I am inclined to think that I don’t want this to mushroom. I talk to him like a mature sensible adult and he either responds in kind and we move on better than before or he acts like a twit, which to be fair to him, I don’t think he will and then I would have to ask myself where we are going and how much more I want to invest in this.

I think this is a bit of a cock up but that overall he is a really good person and we have a good relationship so I don’t want to over-react.

I can’t thank you guys enough. Wise, funny women-folk of Mumsnet 🤗

Yes I agree. Call him, don't make a big deal of it, don't apologise yourself or demand an apology from him.

Then observe his actions. If he stops doing it, all well and good. If not, bring it up again and give him one (just one!) more chance to stop.

Fingers crossed OP!

Thank you, Antarctic, you have summed it up very well and that is exactly what I’m going to do.

BigCheese, your wry comments really made me laugh.

Thank you all !

HNRTT but bothered? No but you are and if he is constantly commenting then how he seems to have responded in terms of going away and telling you to call him might appear to be giving you space but might not bode well for the future of your relationship. How do you think he will respond if you plan on sharing a home let alone having children or if unemployment, bereavements or other difficulties arise?

It’s just thoughtless and rude. I completely accept DH will find other women attractive, but if he went on about that to me I’d think he was incredibly disrespectful. I’m not remotely insecure about how I look either (not because I’m a stunner, far from it! I’m ok looking and think I’m a nice person and have lovely friends and am just fine with how I look!), so my irritation wouldn’t be down to being insecure or too sensitive, it would simply be that I felt that behaviour unnecessary and quite rude.

This would upset me and I’ve known a few men who do it but funnily enough it’s because they’re insecure! Finding someone attractive is fine but commenting constantly is unnecessary. Of course it’s going to make you feel a bit insecure and if he can’t see that then you shouldn’t be together.

My parents don’t have sky tv because my mum worried my dad would see too many attractive women and he always commented and it upset her! So I was brought up thinking all women even on tv must be a threat. I’ve done well to accept my husband loves me and can find people attractive but he wouldn’t comment! I am more likely to comment and say ‘wow she’s Beautiful’ about a women but like you find it hard to spot many nice looking men!

He tells you how attractive his colleagues are??? And he has previously had an affair. Red flags everywhere. Saying Angelina Jolie is gorgeous is not the same as commenting on Sarah from accounting.

Commenting occasionally on a woman's appearance - ok. Constant comments - not ok.

He should be sorry he's upset you and thinking about his own actions, not sulky and defensive.

If DH started doing that I would think he’s broken his brain. He can fancy who he wants but if talked through everything to comment on looks I’d be like “shut up you are distracting from the story”.

personally I think its a grind you down and make you insecure project. Only reason it’s happened to me in the past is because i was dating a negger or someone who was low level abusive.

I think other men are attractive sometimes but I don’t feel the need to share with DH because a)it’s in passing - I’ll think, he’s pretty or nice shoulders” but not something I’ll spend a lot of brain time on b) I don’t actually know what the purpose of articulating it would be. I also think things like “oh she’s got nice shoes” “fabulous hair” it doesn’t all come spilling out of my gob.

I think there are three types of relationships.

The type where these types of comments are ok, and they both point out attractive people, both have lists of people they're 'allowed' to shag and it doesn't bother them as it's all hypothetical

The type where they both think its disrespectful to openly lust after someone else in front of the person you're supposed to be loyal to

Both these are fine

And then it goes a bit wrong when you get one person from each relationship type. The person commenting should definitely be the one to stop though, it's not an essential thing to comment on other people that it would be at all detrimental to stop and if it bothers the other person then there is no reason for them not to just change their approach slightly and not say anything.

I'm with you OP but I'm quite literal in general. If someone I was with pointed out how attractive someone else was in front of me, when they're not telling me I'm attractive, my response would be along the lines of 'fuck off and be with someone who you think is that attractive then'

I think it's mostly rude and unnecessary. I don't need to know what my partner thinks about how attractive or not other people are and I'll generally keep my own thoughts to myself.

I will make a small exception for stating the obvious about conventionally attractive film/TV stars. We don't mind hearing that Chris Evans (not that one) is extremely hunky or Jenna Coleman is extremely pretty. I don't need to hear that about someone in the street or my best friend, though.