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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be unhappy about this?

59 replies

Whatthefish · 17/05/2022 09:52

DD 4.5 yo is very social, has lots of friends and very popular at nursery. She goes to nursery 5 mornings a week plus one afternoon at a different nursery and has 3 afternoon classes on different days. She is also committed to 2 play dates a week, every week, one on Mon and one on Tue, with different friends. The Tue one is after her afternoon class.

She has other friends that she meets less regularly as we have very little time left. She has this other friend who goes to her nursery but in the afternoon so they never meet, they can only meet at weekends or holidays. Her parents (really lovely, nice people) push for playdates very often, so we see her quite a lot, however DH is very unhappy with playdates at weekends. He says he wants to play with DD on his own as he doesn't see her much during the week. He takes her out on both days and they spend the afternoons at home.

Last time we met them (reluctantly as I was very tired and not up for it) her mum asked me if the girls could meet every Sat from now on, so another commitment. I reluctantly said yes, although Sat is my day to rest as I'm busy all week. I explained to her DD is very busy during the week so we try to keep her calm at weekends as too much excitement doesn't benefit her, so don't think we will be able to meet every Sat. DH went ballistic about it! He doesn't agree with it (even if it's every other Sat) and I'm annoyed we ended up with yet another commitment. Anyone can relate?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2022 09:55

Why did you agree to something you don't want to do?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/05/2022 09:55

Tell her you’ve changed her mind. She does loads as it is and time with her dad is more important than more play dates. Of course he’s annoyed and you knew it was a bad idea to agree.

Hoppinggreen · 17/05/2022 09:57

Nope, can’t relate because I don’t agree to things I don’t want to or can’t do then complain about it.
DH does this and it drives me mad

WeDontShutUpAboutBruno · 17/05/2022 09:59

You're not happy about it, and your dh isn't happy about it. I cant fathom out why you said yes to a commitment every Saturday.

Stop being a people pleaser.

It would do your dd the world of good to have a day just to chill without organised playdates etc too.

ManateeFair · 17/05/2022 09:59

Why is this all so regimented?! She’s four. She doesn’t need regular commitments to see people on specific days. I’m with your DH here. This all sounds exhausting and you need to rein it in and get her used to amusing herself and spending time with you and DH rather than constantly having other children around.

Natty13 · 17/05/2022 10:03

To sum up:

You put your own need to people please before your own daughter's need to rest and your husband's desire to spend 1 on q tome with his own daughter. Excellent.

ReadyToMoveIt · 17/05/2022 10:03

I can’t relate really as we have 2 children (8, 6 and 2) and I’ve never committed to regular play dates with anyone. We arrange to see friends at mutually convenient times, but we have loads of other things to fit in too so regular play dates wouldn’t work for us. Sounds like it’s not working for you either, so don’t do it.

DurhamDurham · 17/05/2022 10:03

I'm exhausted just reading about it all, when my two were that age we just went with the flow, nursery was the routine, everything just fitted in if and when we fancied it.
I laughed at your four year being 'committed' to her two play dates, I doubt she'd care either way. Save all the planning and commitments for when she's older.

Whatthefish · 17/05/2022 10:04

I know, I am guilty of being a people pleaser. Gosh, not proud of that.

The Mon playdate is with a friend who doesn't live around here and visits her granny just for a few days so Mon is usually the day we can see her.

Tue playdate is with her friend from her Tue class, they play for 2 hrs after the class.

OP posts:
WildCoasts · 17/05/2022 10:05

Your daughter sounds very busy. How much quiet down time does she have? I don't think your husband is unreasonable, though when she starts school there may be birthday parties and play dates in the weekends.

Whatthefish · 17/05/2022 10:07

@WildCoasts Usually at weekends she has downtime in the afternoons. Well, she had that for a long time. But playdates have crept it lately, either on a Sat or Sun.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 17/05/2022 10:07

her mum asked me if the girls could meet every Sat from now on

I think this is ridiculous. Why "every" Saturday? I've never heard of people having playdates like this. It's usually an odd day here and there not a commitment to see them on the same day every week.

AffIt · 17/05/2022 10:09

Christ, my social diary doesn't look like this and I'm 43.

I can totally understand why your partner is a bit annoyed that you have somehow accidentally 'committed' a significant chunk of the small amount of time he has to spend with his daughter outwith working hours to random people.

Your daughter is four - she doesn't need a dance card that would rival that of a popular southern belle at her coming-out party. Stop people-pleasing and think about what actually suits your family.

Babdoc · 17/05/2022 10:10

OP, use your DH as an excuse to get out of the Saturday commitment - say he has refused as it’s his day with DD.
Then work on your assertiveness and boundaries, so that in future you can politely refuse things when necessary. It’s not the big deal you fear it is - nobody is going to shout at you for daring to have other priorities or wishes of your own!

WildCoasts · 17/05/2022 10:11

Whatthefish · 17/05/2022 10:07

@WildCoasts Usually at weekends she has downtime in the afternoons. Well, she had that for a long time. But playdates have crept it lately, either on a Sat or Sun.

You said your husband takes her out both days, so that's not really down time. When does she just get to potter around the house amusing herself, playing from her own imagination by herself, deciding what to do, for how long, in what way? I'd have chosen a day at home with just me and her during the week to facilitate that, but that's my way. Might not be your way, and that's not wrong, I just don't think four year olds need to be so busy.

Mally100 · 17/05/2022 10:11

This sound suffocating. She's 4!!! Stop being so timetabled and rigid. Do it when you can and if you can. I never do playdates over weekends, because that's family time and frankly we have better things to do. My ds has 5 days of friends and fun that he can catch up on. I'm with your dh, I would be furious at you for making this ridiculous arrangement.

Olsi109 · 17/05/2022 10:12

Wow this is my idea of hell!!

And I can't imagine it is great for your 4 year old either. Why do all these things have to be commitments why can't they just be "let's see next week or I'll let you know when we're free"?

I would honestly laugh at someone if they suggested we make a play date commitment for every Saturday. I agree with your DH on this one if that's the time he normally spends with her due to her busy social schedule during the week. I hope you don't expect the poor girl to keep up with this social life once she goes to school? You also need to start saying no to people if you honestly don't want the commitment, if only for your child's sake, although the post comes across as though you thrive on such commitments and popularity

SallyWD · 17/05/2022 10:13

Your daughter's still so young to have so many commitments! It seems like keeping Saturdays free is better for her, your DH and you. Like others I just don't understand why you agreed when you knew this was the time your DH wanted to spend with her. Anyway, it's absolutely fine to change your mind!! Send a quick text and just say "Sorry Saturdays won't work for us after all." Put your family first!

minipie · 17/05/2022 10:14

I’ve never heard of people having regular weekly playdates, unless it’s for childcare reasons.

Why not meet the Mon and Tues friends less often to make space for the other friends.

Weekend playdates are a pain IMO, unless it happens to fit in. Certainly wouldn’t be organising my weekend around them.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/05/2022 10:16

I totally agree with everyone... Your child has far too much going on for her age. It's ridiculous for her and for you.

Mally100 · 17/05/2022 10:20

And why does she need to play with her friend for 2 hours every single week, the same friend that she has been with in school the whole day!! Ridiculous op.

TinaYouFatLard · 17/05/2022 10:21

This is entirely your own doing.

Whatthefish · 17/05/2022 10:22

My DD loves playdates, she'd never refuse one and the first thing she asks in the morning is who are we meeting in the afternoon. She's an extrovert and loves people, I'd never push socialising on her if she is not happy.

I was a bit annoyed though that someone would want a commitment for playdates, I don't understand that, but I was taken by surprise and just uttered a reluctant yes. As soon as we left I started thinking how the h... do I get out of it.

Her DD doesn't have the social life and a the other activities that DD has so she perhaps doesn't understand why we wouldn't want to meet regularly as the girls always have a great time.

OP posts:
Whatthefish · 17/05/2022 10:24

@Mally100 no, the friend is from her Tue afternoon class, not from nursery. They only meet once a week.

OP posts:
AffIt · 17/05/2022 10:26

Whatthefish · 17/05/2022 10:22

My DD loves playdates, she'd never refuse one and the first thing she asks in the morning is who are we meeting in the afternoon. She's an extrovert and loves people, I'd never push socialising on her if she is not happy.

I was a bit annoyed though that someone would want a commitment for playdates, I don't understand that, but I was taken by surprise and just uttered a reluctant yes. As soon as we left I started thinking how the h... do I get out of it.

Her DD doesn't have the social life and a the other activities that DD has so she perhaps doesn't understand why we wouldn't want to meet regularly as the girls always have a great time.

Then, in the immortal phrasing of MN, use your words and explain. Why on earth should these people understand the ins and outs of your young child's social calendar?

You've got a cheek to say you're 'a bit annoyed' when basically what you're doing is deflecting, to excuse the fact that you're not doing a very good job of advocating for yourself or your family as a whole.

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