AIBU to be unhappy about this?

[Whatthefish]

DD 4.5 yo is very social, has lots of friends and very popular at nursery. She goes to nursery 5 mornings a week plus one afternoon at a different nursery and has 3 afternoon classes on different days. She is also committed to 2 play dates a week, every week, one on Mon and one on Tue, with different friends. The Tue one is after her afternoon class.

She has other friends that she meets less regularly as we have very little time left. She has this other friend who goes to her nursery but in the afternoon so they never meet, they can only meet at weekends or holidays. Her parents (really lovely, nice people) push for playdates very often, so we see her quite a lot, however DH is very unhappy with playdates at weekends. He says he wants to play with DD on his own as he doesn't see her much during the week. He takes her out on both days and they spend the afternoons at home.

Last time we met them (reluctantly as I was very tired and not up for it) her mum asked me if the girls could meet every Sat from now on, so another commitment. I reluctantly said yes, although Sat is my day to rest as I'm busy all week. I explained to her DD is very busy during the week so we try to keep her calm at weekends as too much excitement doesn't benefit her, so don't think we will be able to meet every Sat. DH went ballistic about it! He doesn't agree with it (even if it's every other Sat) and I'm annoyed we ended up with yet another commitment. Anyone can relate?

You might find @AffIt's comment harsh but it's definitely not unnecessary. And I mean, just for context, there's lots of things my kids wouldn't ever turn down but I do for them because it's either not going to work for us as a family or because it's not something I want them to have/do right at that moment.

So no, can't relate because I don't say yes to everything concerning my child just because they might like it, even if I know I can't.

Call the other mother today and tell her that every Saturday isn't going to work for you. If she questions, just say you have too much on and don't want to commit only to have to cancel at the last moment, and that you shouldn't have agreed in the first place. I'm not surprised your husband is annoyed.

No, I can't relate because I would never push my 4 year old into having so much stuff to do. It's too much. Playdates are supposed to be ad hoc arrangements, not weekly commitments.

YABVU to schedule your 4 year old so strictly, I'm exhausted just reading about how full her schedule is. When does she have any down time to watch a movie, play in the garden, play with toys at home or just sit and snuggle on the sofa?

Your DH has unrealistic expectations that you never have any kind of plans at the weekend - once your DD starts school there will be loads of birthday parties, extra curricular classes etc that happen at the weekends and he's going to have to compromise occasionally. Having said that I don't think it's unreasonable not to want yet another regular commitment for every single Saturday either, there's nothing wrong with saying to the other parent "I can't commit to every Saturday as we do family activities at the weekend so I'll let you know whenever we are free"

I think you need to start scaling back on the weekly playdates - the weekday playdates can be every other week or three weeks out of four; the weekend playdates can be once or twice a month - it will allow you more time for DD to have some down time or choose an activity to do as a treat.

Had you not stopped to think that maybe her question of who she's seeing that afternoon might be because she actually doesn't want to...? At 4, no matter how social she is, or isn't, she will be trying to fulfill your expectations of her.

I have a 26 and a 17-year-old - one extroverted, the other a mixture between extro- and introverted. Both had extra-curricular activities, both had playdates (although never regimented). Both absolutely loved their downtime with me, their Dad, and their grandparents/aunt/uncle. My youngest (17-year-old son) still asks for PJ days where we watch old movies and eat junk food. Both are articulate, smart, confident, and outgoing individuals. Having "down days" hasn't damaged them and, actually, both have close friends whom they've known their whole lives still. In fact, my 17-year-old's peer group consists mainly of the children whom he went to nursery with as a toddler, who he shared playdates with, days out, dog walks...

Letting your 4-year-old relax/spend time at home chilling/with her Dad or extended family members will teach her a heck of a lot more than regimenting her "free" time the way you seem to be. She will learn far more from spending time at home, with you/her Dad, than she will from being shuttled from one playdate/afternoon activity to another.

I'm a single parent, and I cherish the memories I have of those down-days when my children were small. I'd not wish them away for anything. Enjoy your 4 year old by spending time with her, rather than essentially dumping her on other families (no matter how reciprocated) - and respect your husband/child's father when he says "no" and "this is unacceptable" (I'm paraphrasing, obviously...)

OP,

The request for a commitment every Saturday is unreasonable in the extreme.

This is clearly not what is best for your child.

This is for the benefit of the other child and what that parent thinks would benefit them.

It is very normal for your husband to wish to spend time with his child at the weekend.

We were a busy household and I also thought Sundays should be catch up time.

I politely refused 95% of invitations when the children were small as Sunday afternoons needed to be a time for us to hang out before we started another week.

I never apologised for it.

I just called it family time that we needed to have.

Very occasionally there would be a party invite from a very close friend, that would be an exception.

It really is ok to go back and say upon reflection, the weeks are very busy and we need family down time together.

I believe it is a good skill for children to learn, how to entertain themselves.

I think it is very presumptuous to ask for every Saturday afternoon.
The result being YOU having to report to them if you can't make it etc.
A very strange dynamic and not one that most parents would entertain.

"Let me get back to about that" is a god send of an expression to practice for situations like this that will arise.

I’m sorry but I did laugh at the focus on a 4 year old having a busy social life like a Chelsea socialite.
She asks who she’s meeting every day because she’s in the habit of always having someone to play with, you might end up shooting your self in the foot with this as she may rely on the other to play with- IMO kids need to learn to entertain themselves sometimes!
Just cut back on the play dates- she must be exhausted!

Regularly scheduled play dates and commitments at 4 hahaha this is wild.
YABU. I used to just meet in the park as and when so my kids could play with their friends.
guess they weren’t as super popular and in demand as your daughter though. 😂

Agree with this.
Also, your poor DD needs a break! She is so young.
Give her a break.
Your Dh has the right idea!

I was a bit annoyed though that someone would want a commitment for playdates, I don't understand that, but I was taken by surprise and just uttered a reluctant yes.

You don't really have the right to be annoyed with her, she asked a question and you said yes, be annoyed with yourself not her fgs