AIBU to be unhappy about this?

[Whatthefish]

DD 4.5 yo is very social, has lots of friends and very popular at nursery. She goes to nursery 5 mornings a week plus one afternoon at a different nursery and has 3 afternoon classes on different days. She is also committed to 2 play dates a week, every week, one on Mon and one on Tue, with different friends. The Tue one is after her afternoon class.

She has other friends that she meets less regularly as we have very little time left. She has this other friend who goes to her nursery but in the afternoon so they never meet, they can only meet at weekends or holidays. Her parents (really lovely, nice people) push for playdates very often, so we see her quite a lot, however DH is very unhappy with playdates at weekends. He says he wants to play with DD on his own as he doesn't see her much during the week. He takes her out on both days and they spend the afternoons at home.

Last time we met them (reluctantly as I was very tired and not up for it) her mum asked me if the girls could meet every Sat from now on, so another commitment. I reluctantly said yes, although Sat is my day to rest as I'm busy all week. I explained to her DD is very busy during the week so we try to keep her calm at weekends as too much excitement doesn't benefit her, so don't think we will be able to meet every Sat. DH went ballistic about it! He doesn't agree with it (even if it's every other Sat) and I'm annoyed we ended up with yet another commitment. Anyone can relate?

Who is in control here? You or your DD? You say she’d never refuse a play date…..well that’s where you come in as the parent.
Your DH is absolutely right and has every right to be put out by this constant activity, shes 4!

@AffIt That's a bit harsh and unnecessary

You come across as being very fixated on 'social and popular' as you are now comparing the other girl to this. I'm also as to why you are annoyed when you are agreeing to all of this?
I would just cut out the weekend ones completely and stick to the week ones if you really want to. At the end of the day your child is 4 and you are the parent. She doesn't need the weekly playdates

I’ve voted YABU but only because you keep committing to things that you don’t want to do. It’s not a good habit and one that DD will pick up on. You don’t want her grow into the type of child who is easily convinced or easily swayed when it comes to being able to say No.

I also voted YABU because your DH works throughout the week, probably only ever see’s DD at bedtime if he even makes it home that early, and perhaps some mornings but only in passing. So of course he’s going to want to spend as much time as possible with her. YABU if you can’t see this.

I never get too close with the mum’s from DD’s preschool for this exact reason. We have way too many commitments both after school and at the weekends to commit to plans that I know I will simply end up flaking on.

Stand up for yourself OP. She’s your daughter nobody else’s.

In all my years as a parent I have never known of a "playdate commitment". This is your problem. Don't ever commit to seeing the same child for a playdate every week, just arrange them as hoc around the rest of your life.

Apologise to dh and advise you won't be keeping this commitment. Tell friend "sorry we can't make this Sat, would Sat xxxx be OK?" Next time say we can't do every week I will text you when we are next available.

I love socialising but I don't see my best friend every week never mind a play date. Absolutely unfair on you and husband.

I was a bit annoyed though that someone would want a commitment for playdates, I don't understand that, but I was taken by surprise and just uttered a reluctant yes. As soon as we left I started thinking how the h... do I get out of it.

But you are someone who has regular commitments for playdates, so how can you be annoyed that someone else wants that and claim not to understand it?!

I was a bit annoyed though that someone would want a commitment for playdates, I don't understand that

eh didn’t you say you have two committed play dates @Whatthefish so why don’t you understand it if that’s that you already do on a Monday & Tuesday.

I've never come across weekly fixed play dates before. That seems very regimented.

As for the weekends, I get where your DH is coming from but I'd also not be that happy if DH said she could never do anything at the weekend except be with him... My DH hardly sees the children during the week but at the weekend he is happy to facilitate their enjoyment (ie take them to parties or playdates if that's what they wanted) as well as just have some downtime at home.

Your daughter asks who you are seeing that afternoon because that's her routine. She knows she will be seeing someone in the afternoon. What about a quiet afternoon baking with Mum, or snuggling on the couch watching TV and reading books, going to the park, playing games, crafting, pottering around the garden together, or you doing a chore while she amuses herself (under a watchful eye, of course)?

An every Saturday commitment is ridiculous and far too much. You shouldn’t have agreed to it, but you’re free to now tell her you’ve thought again and it’s too much.

Your DH is also out of order saying “never on a weekend” or “going ballistic “

There’s a happy medium to be met her in your dd’s interests. You also have to think about what suits you, rather than choosing who to please between your friend and your DH. Please yourself sometimes!

I don’t know why people trot out this “oh I’m a people pleaser” bollocks.

You’re clearly not as you didn’t give a monkeys about upsetting your husband.

You don’t take away regularly time with her father for some random woman just because she asks!

I actually disagree with over scheduling comments - my youngest was never happier than moving from one thing to the next. And yes, she’s able to entertain herself alone quite fine as a teen! I think it’s a good warning to think about it, but not always an issue.

But I’d have gone ballistic, like your husband.

Whst @AffIt said may be harsh but it’s entirely true and you deem it unnecessary as you don’t like the response. They’re 100% correct, you’re more focused about building your daughters social life than spending time as a family and giving her some clearly much needed down time. The poor thing is probably desperate for a bit of relaxation and bonding time with her dad and you’ve taken that away by agreeing to more play dates. You don’t get to be annoyed when you’ve created this situation.

The more you write, the more it seems your focus is on how popular and extroverted she is and how many friends she has.

She needs family time, time to chill out, time to be bored, a PJ day every now and then.

I don't know if your projecting some insecurities onto her or what, but this fixation with popularity isn't healthy. Especially considering she's 4.

My children love play dates too and would never refuse one. But we’re a family, and activities are planned around what is best for everyone.
My children also love playing in the garden on the trampoline, doing crafts, chilling at home with their toys, going to the park, going swimming, family days out… we vary our activities. Committing to play dates at regular times/days every week would affect our ability to do all the things we enjoy.

I can completely see your dh point of view and I think you are being unreasonable.

A play date every Saturday is nuts, especially if one, or both or you work, when is your downtime and family time?

Just text the mum and and say you can't make Saturdays now.

My DD had a weekly class, on a Saturday morning. When she comes out, she needs time to decompress, maybe sleep, and process the exercises she's learnt. She'd be knackered trying to go straight on to a meet-up with someone.

Strip back her commitments to essentials, not nice to haves, and then see if she misses what you've stripped out.

You are making a rod for your own back here, where all your daughters skills are built around being with others and being entertained by them. As other posters said, how and when is she learning to self-amuse?, that sometimes you need to find something to do yourself and not always rely on others to entertain you? If she has never learned or experienced this your life when she gets older will be very challenging.

The other parent is not being unreasonable for asking for this if it works for them - you are being unreasonable for saying yes when it doesn't work for you. It's not everyone else's job to plan around your internal thoughts you haven't said out-loud to them!

Also, your child is doing way too much in the week. Children need to learn to entertain themselves - you aren't helping her to be happy in her own company, or enjoy peace and quiet. These are really important for being a well rounded, resilient individual.

@WeDontShutUpAboutBruno Absolutely no fixation with popularity, just giving some background about what she does and the kind of person she is, perhaps I should have left some bits out to avoid people over-analysing.

This is a really valid point and you need to address it. She need to be able to be on her own and enjoy the time with herself, her parent and her own toys/home/books. This is really quite detrimental to her own personal development.

the kind of person she is

shes 4 😂

@Pickabearanybear Gosh, really???!!! Creepy, goodness me!! 😳 Honestly read your post again!! What does that say about you?

I dont think I've committed a crime.

Thanks to everyone who gave constructive feedback. I know I've made a mistake but I'll find a way out. I'll leave this post now

You do seem obsessed about your daughter’s social life and popularity and passing judgement on other 4 year olds who, as you put it, don’t have her social life. Madness. If you hadn’t put her age down, I’d think you were talking about much older kids with more defined schedules. Let her have a bit of down time with her family and cut down in the regimented schedule.