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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you go to dhs family wedding if...?

56 replies

Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:03

You recently had a fallout with your in laws and they didn't apologise for hurting you? The wedding is a 100 plus people all consisting of dhs family. They will presumably all have in laws back. In laws discuss all private matters (part of the problem) so I know everyone will have some idea of what's going on.

Aibu to do a hard pass on this? It would be a whole day of uncomfortableness

OP posts:
Barnabee · 16/05/2022 10:05

We need more information than you've given.

WildCoasts · 16/05/2022 10:07

Can't decide. Depends what they did.

KangarooKenny · 16/05/2022 10:07

My immediate thought is no, but then they are winning and you not being there will be the gossip of the day.

redskyatnight · 16/05/2022 10:08

What's your DH's take on this? Does he want you to go?

Original poster
Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:10

To keep it vague pils overstepped a boundary. Upset both me and dh. It's been a reoccurring thing that we have spoken to them about. It happened again recently and yet again they have no apologised. Dh keeps talking to them about how it's not okay. They don't listen. I always try to stay sweet and act as if everything is okay but it's not and I'm at a tipping point with it all. Now this massive family wedding is coming up which mil has been pressuring everyone about. I don't want to go. It's that simple really. I'm asking if I would be unreasonable not to because obviously there is dh and dc to consider in this too. But I'm tired of constantly bending my back and acting like everything is okay and they never change or even acknowledge their wrong doings

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 16/05/2022 10:10

I think that if the people whose wedding it is were not the same people who upset you, you should go. You’re punishing and inconveniencing the wrong people otherwise. Their wedding isn’t about you.

OuiWeeOui · 16/05/2022 10:10

Go, you'll just give them more ammunition if you stay away
Be charming to everyone

Original poster
Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:11

@redskyatnight dh said he understands. What can he say really? He knows how hard it's been for me and how hurt I am. He is also upset by it all.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2022 10:11

Sounds like it would be best if none of you go. Is that an option? What’s he thinking?

Have you already accepted?

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 16/05/2022 10:12

I would say going as a united front is best. If he goes alone won't they think they have scared you away?

Original poster
Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:13

@ComtesseDeSpair I understand what you are saying but I really don't have a close relationship with anyone other that dhs pil. He doesn't really have a close relationship with his siblings or anyone else so I don't either. So if the only two people I really know other than dh aren't going to talk to me or vice versa then I don't really know what to do with myself. I don't want to latch onto dh all day. It's a long wedding. 12 to 11

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:14

@AnneLovesGilbert there is no way mil would let dh do that. I doubt dh would want that to.

OP posts:
mocktail · 16/05/2022 10:19

When is the wedding? Have you already accepted the invite or have you only just received it? Personally I think you should go.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2022 10:19

Him not wanting to is one thing but as he’s an adult he can surely make his own decisions about how to spend his time and it’s not up to her to let him?

KangarooKenny · 16/05/2022 10:22

You need to go NC with the in-laws after the wedding. It’s what I did.

WildCoasts · 16/05/2022 10:22

Are the bride and groom involved or are they just innocent bystanders who miss out on you coming to the wedding because someone else upset you?

Will not going to the wedding improve the boundary issue? I doubt it.

Don't know what the transgression is to say more. That would make a difference. Overstepping a boundary ranges from over-reacting to unforgivable.

ancientgran · 16/05/2022 10:23

You don't have to go, your DH doesn't have to go as his mother can't make him. I didn't go to either of my siblings weddings and the world didn't come to an end.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 16/05/2022 10:24

It depends on what outcome you want.

Not going to the wedding will send a message and will compound the issue. They are possibly going to take offence and they will have the opportunity face to face with all their family to tell everyone that you are the person in the wrong.

If you want to improve the relationship, get past this issue and have a civil if maybe a bit aloof relationship then you will need to go, even if it's just for a bit,

HSKAT · 16/05/2022 10:24

I mean she can't force anyone to go?

If you don't want to go, don't go.
If DH doesn't want to go, don't go.

But if I'm being honest I don't think I would let DH do it alone.

JustAnotherMillennial · 16/05/2022 10:26

I think you should go, especially if you've accepted the invite - its not fair on the bride and groom.

Original poster
Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:35

Trust me. The world would end for mil if dh doesn't go. She would think I had a massive hand to play in it and would blame me forever. Something similar like this happened before and she still thinks it was my fault even though me and dh made a joint decision. There is no winning

OP posts:
catscatscatseverywhere · 16/05/2022 10:45

Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:35

Trust me. The world would end for mil if dh doesn't go. She would think I had a massive hand to play in it and would blame me forever. Something similar like this happened before and she still thinks it was my fault even though me and dh made a joint decision. There is no winning

Is entirely up to you, but I would take the high road and go. I got married last year and it is really upsetting when people don't show up to your wedding for various reasons. This is how we fell out with my brother in law's girlfriend. She's not welcome in our house anymore. If bride and groom aren't part of this conflict, I would go.

HSKAT · 16/05/2022 10:47

Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:35

Trust me. The world would end for mil if dh doesn't go. She would think I had a massive hand to play in it and would blame me forever. Something similar like this happened before and she still thinks it was my fault even though me and dh made a joint decision. There is no winning

I think you know it'll make it worse if you don't go.

Horsemad · 16/05/2022 10:47

Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:35

Trust me. The world would end for mil if dh doesn't go. She would think I had a massive hand to play in it and would blame me forever. Something similar like this happened before and she still thinks it was my fault even though me and dh made a joint decision. There is no winning

Do you want to 'win' or not? You need to show who's in charge here.

If you don't want to go, then don't. Your MIL isn't the boss of you & DH.

Maisa45 · 16/05/2022 10:49

No I wouldn't go but then again I won't even go to weddings of people I like lol. Don't you think you'd just have a crap time and feel awkward? That's your precious free time you'd be using.

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