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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you go to dhs family wedding if...?

56 replies

Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:03

You recently had a fallout with your in laws and they didn't apologise for hurting you? The wedding is a 100 plus people all consisting of dhs family. They will presumably all have in laws back. In laws discuss all private matters (part of the problem) so I know everyone will have some idea of what's going on.

Aibu to do a hard pass on this? It would be a whole day of uncomfortableness

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2022 10:51

The world would not end. She’d have a tantrum and say mean things but what else would she do? Disinherit him? Stop talking to you? Tell other people you’re horrible?

There’s a series of choices here and I can hear that you’re stressed but you’re really catastrophising and giving people more power than they have.

People don’t order other people to do things like attend weddings. If they do the people can still say no. It’s a wedding not a bloody coronation.

You’re not helping yourself by thinking of things in these terms.

PinkWisteria · 16/05/2022 10:52

I think it depends on your relationship with the couple who are getting married and what you want the outcome to be. Also could you and your DH just go for the service or the service and meal and 4hen leave, rather than the full 11 hours.

Ducksinthebath · 16/05/2022 10:54

Are they really so dreadful they can't manage to be polite for one day? Can you? They may "have [your] in laws' back" but would they really bring the matter up at a wedding. Or like normal people would they just get on with having a nice time on the day and put petty squabbles aside?

Original poster
Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:55

I really don't think anyone will miss or be upset if I'm not there. I have no relation to them and am not close like there. There are going to be 100 plus guests one down wouldn't hurt

OP posts:
averythinline · 16/05/2022 10:56

Ignoring mil would the people whose wedding it is be inconvenienced if you don't go?

If so I would go....and equally you don't have to stay anywhere from 12-11 ..
Go for the ceremony Nd the meal as that's what they've paid for then leave..
Talk to other people.....if there's 100 there you don't have to only talk or pretend with the IL ....either be civil/grey rock them and focus on other people and leave early..you can go nc/lc afterwards

If on the other hand the bride n groom will not be inconvenienced..then don't go....set yourselves free... fuck'em why does it matter so much what they say/think .....you control your lives not them....

BellePeppa · 16/05/2022 10:58

I wouldn’t go, my days of people pleasing and sacrificing my well being to appease others is long past.

Bananarama21 · 16/05/2022 10:58

Stop holding grudges draw a line under the sand and be civil and polite, there his parents at the end of the day. It's only going to cause further unnecessary drama.

LetitiaLeghorn · 16/05/2022 10:59

Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:35

Trust me. The world would end for mil if dh doesn't go. She would think I had a massive hand to play in it and would blame me forever. Something similar like this happened before and she still thinks it was my fault even though me and dh made a joint decision. There is no winning

Well, she'd be right, you would have had a hand in it. Your husband wouldn't even be thinking about not going if you hadn't brought it up. I mean, if you don't want to go, I don't see why you should. But it seems disingenuous to say youd have had no part in your husband's decision not to go.

Original poster
Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:59

I think it would be mil most greatly affected. All she cares about is everyone being together and acting like best of friends. The wife and groom wouldn't miss my presence at all as long as dh and dc are there. I just know mil would never let me live it down and we have a very close relationship with pil which is part of the issue here. There is too much dictation over us

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonamed · 16/05/2022 11:02

@Bananarama21 ah if only relationships where that simple and easy.
Everyone needs to have a line otherwise there are no boundaries and no one will be able to stand up for themselves and say enough is enough. People would get walked over and become spineless. They have done some pretty horrible things to me in the past and I have "forgiven" let go of alot of it and simply because of that reason I can't do it this time round.

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 16/05/2022 11:05

Well distance yourself doesn't mean your dh or your dc cant have a relationship with them. You haven't really specificied what's gone for people to give you better advice moving forward.

thecatsthecats · 16/05/2022 11:08

I would personally go, chat, laugh, drink and dance the night away. Be the brightest, funnest, happiest person there.

Provided that ILs can't break the boundary at the wedding, I'd enjoy myself.

Why? Because if your MIL is as you say, undoubtedly other people will think so too. I've had moments before where I had difficulties with someone, and someone else just happily told me that they thought they were a dick. It eased the burden.

Do you really think 100 people will subscribe to her idea of you? If so, you're wrong. There will be other in laws to whom they are just batty, controlling, gossip spreading fools. I think you need to go so that you can see this. It's an important step of breaking out of the illusion of her control.

PoseyFlump · 16/05/2022 11:13

Exactly what @thecatsthecats said. Chances are others feel the same but toe the line out of fear. They may not vocalise it but you can bet they think it in their heads. In fact if you do go you might find an ally in the extended family that will make future problems easier. Watch and see who else doesn't interact with your mil!

BellePeppa · 16/05/2022 11:25

If you do go then with a hundred people you should be able to blend in the crowd and have minimal contact with mil? Just keep
being on the opposite side of the room when possible and keep eye contact with her to a minimum.

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 16/05/2022 11:29

Your dh needs to grow a pair.... Your dc will grow up knowing you are being treated shabbily. Have a family day out instead. If she falls out with you all is that so bad?

averythinline · 16/05/2022 11:29

But why would dh go if they are being so horrible to you ..

He should have your back if they're being unreasonable..

Why won't he stand up for his family?

I'd be disappointed in my dh if I was you....although years of conditioning are hard to overcome at some stage he needs to stand up for himself and you....maybe look at the stately homes threads for advice and support for you both..

I wouldn't go but neither would my dh.......but if you don't want lots of drama maybe do an appearance at the wedding ...and plan for after..

Summerwetordry · 16/05/2022 11:33

We went NC with DH's family. It's been years now and life is sweet. No more treading on eggshells and trying to judge their moods. I recommend it.

Whooshaagh · 16/05/2022 11:38

@thecatsthecats
I would personally go, chat, laugh, drink and dance the night away. Be the brightest, funnest, happiest person there.

This^^
Someone was very subtly having a dig at me at a hen do. I complimented her so extravagantly and openly that we both knew I'd sussed her nastiness.
There was nothing she could do without looking bad.
Do it to your inlaws. They'll hate it.
You'll feel so powerful.

whynotwhatknot · 16/05/2022 11:48

If theyve overstepped you need to step back from the relationship in general

not going to one wedding wont change anything if your still on contact will it

Original poster
Nonamed · 16/05/2022 11:55

I agree dh needs to grow one. He does address things with his parents but I hear the way he does it and it's very tip toe around almost undermining the situation. He is obviously scared to just tell them how it is. I get they are his parents but I wouldn't struggle to tell my parents how it is especially if they was in the wrong and hurt my partner. Pils are hard people to deal with. They don't really listen per say. They will hear dh out but not take anything on board. It's their way or the high way. You can only imagine what it was like for me when I was pregnant. I really don't know if I want relations with these people anymore if they can't even have the common courtesy to apologise to me. I am constantly being the bigger person to keep the peace and it's annoying and draining. Dhs take on this is i should be mature and try talking to pil! Why when they haven't even acknowledged anything with me. I feel stuck at a rock and a hard place.

Part of me wants to go the wedding to prove I'm not the image they are painting but I'm done justifying ever twist and turn in my life to people that have no relevance to me like that. The effort just doesn't feel reciprocated.

OP posts:
MaggieFS · 16/05/2022 11:57

I would go, so as not to give her any more ammunition and then I would be reading the riot act to DH afterwards about exactly how things are going to be, on your terms, for the future.

TheMooch · 16/05/2022 11:57

I would go. Sounds you and DH have got each others back.

I bet other family members who've been told the 'drama' are thinking there's 2 sides to this story. They probably have heard bonkersness from her before or been the victims.

Go - smile politely at the MIL, get talking to 'nice people'. Avoid MIL.

I think if you don't go then it involves the B&G and their families etc. Unless you want to cut off all family.

You can then go no contact with MIL after.

whynotwhatknot · 16/05/2022 12:01

TheMooch · 16/05/2022 11:57

I would go. Sounds you and DH have got each others back.

I bet other family members who've been told the 'drama' are thinking there's 2 sides to this story. They probably have heard bonkersness from her before or been the victims.

Go - smile politely at the MIL, get talking to 'nice people'. Avoid MIL.

I think if you don't go then it involves the B&G and their families etc. Unless you want to cut off all family.

You can then go no contact with MIL after.

He hasnt got her back though just brushes it under the carpet and tell her to get over it

Imohsotired · 16/05/2022 12:07

I wouldn’t but I don’t know if it’s the best decision for your DH. I recently stood my ground against my PIL and my DH is really upset at the outcome (no contact since). I don’t really know how it’s possible to resolve as lines have been crossed and I think my DH is the one suffering the most - it is really eating him up as even though he supports me they are his parents and he wants them in his life. It’s pretty rubbish to be honest.

ChicCroissant · 16/05/2022 12:19

Nonamed · 16/05/2022 10:59

I think it would be mil most greatly affected. All she cares about is everyone being together and acting like best of friends. The wife and groom wouldn't miss my presence at all as long as dh and dc are there. I just know mil would never let me live it down and we have a very close relationship with pil which is part of the issue here. There is too much dictation over us

But it wouldn't be your MIL who was affected at all. It's not her wedding. You've built this (wedding) up into something more than it is, and lost a bit of perspective here. It's a celebration of someone's marriage, not the family gathering together to back MIL up ('they will presumably all have in laws back'). No-one wants to be dragged into someone else's argument really. They are far more likely to avoid the topic completely!