Family issues

[Momo2314]

For context, my parents have had a very up and down relationship over the past 10 years. The down being a 'i want a divorce' each time for them to come to the decision that they will try again. If im being honest, they don't actually speak about what happened. They just try to ignore it and hope that it will all work out.

Recently, my mum told me that she was going to divorce my dad. A part of me obviously didnt believe it, but because they had been 'fine' for some time, i thought maybe it was finally happening. I felt quite relieved to be honest.

I called my mum to ask what happened, but she told me she didnt want to talk about it. She did however talk to me openly and honestly about how she was feeling. I then tried to talk to my dad about it. He proceeded to act as if nothing had happened. When i tried to approach the subject, he got angry and very defensive very quickly. He then hung up the phone on me, which made me extremely upset.

I decided to ignore him for a few weeks. In those weeks, he never tried to resolve what had happened. Instead he texted me photos of our family dog and photos of me and him in the past. (Emotional manipulation, i know). I then tried to contact him again about what happened. I apologised for my part in the first argument we had because i know i also reacted too emotionally too. I told him that he really upset me by hanging up on me. He told me that he was just upset. Not exactly an apology, but i know he's not capable of that. When i tried to reapproach the same subject again, he got mad again and hung up again despite me telling him not to do that.

I couldnt bare to see the emotional manipulative texts that would happen after this, so i blocked him. A month went by and i heard nothing from him. I then recieved a voicemail from him telling me whenever i am ready to talk, he's there and that he just wants me to love him. I had a conversarion prior to calling my dad again for the third time to tell her that i thought their relationship wouldnt work, but if this is something that she wanted, i wasnt going to stop her. Instead i asked her not to speak about their relationship with me. She agreed and told me thar shr understood how i felt. Then I tried to call my dad again. This time i approached it very differently. I practically had to hold back what i was saying so he didnt get upset. I slowly tried to turn the conversation to what the issue is because i feel as though i should be able to tell my dad how i feel. He started to raise his voice at me and was telling me to calm down. I wasnt angry, or erratic. Any calmer and i would have had to have been dead. He then hung up on me again. I threw my phone and i actually screamed. I have never felt so irrate and overwhelmed before. i started throwing up because i was so emotional.

Because my dad was unable to listen to me before hanging up every single time. I sent him one last text to tell him how i felt because if you cant even be mature enough to just hear me out, i will make you hear it. The gist of it was basically that has been the third time you have hung up on me and it will be the last as i do not want to speak to you and subject myself to that again. I blocked and deleted his number this time and i dont have any plans to try and resolve it. I have referred myself to a therapist to try and deal with this.

Have i done the right thing?

You’ve firmly shut the door, so it’s going to be difficult to get back on track.
When you’re ready I’d reinstall and unblock his number.
You need to tell them both that you don’t want to hear one word about their marital problems/divorce. You absolutely don’t want to go there.

Yeah i feel like i have tried. I told my mum and she actually understood how i felt and respected my boundaries. I tried to tell my dad so many, but each time he didnt want to hear it. Instead he decides to walk away or hang up the phone. As much as i would like to tell him, i literally cant. That was the whole reason i sent that last text, it was me actaully telling him how i felt about their relationship. The only reason i text him that is because i need to tell him and he needs to hear it. I understand people need time, but this has been going on for ten years

It’s not fair on you, it I wouldn’t block him. Sending pictures is his way of keeping in touch.

YABU! You sound totally overbearing, this is between him and your mum, you need to back off and stay neutral. Your mum didn't want to talk about what happened and that was 'ok' but you have badgered your dad to tell you whats happened and when he doesn't want to talk about it you go in a strop and start blocking him?

Seeing him send me old photos of me and him from like 2002 is honestly worse off for me. I dont want to block him, im doing it because i cant bare to see him send me videos of fathers and daughters dancing at a wedding or reuniting or old photos of us in the past.

I never asked him to tell me what happened. Quite honestly, i dont care. I called him to tell him how i felt and he completely dismissed how i was feeling. I never once told him that he had to tell me how he was and what had happened. I just wanted to tell him that i didnt want to hear about their marital problems, but he decides to hang up the phone on me and to tell me he doesnt care if i have an issue with their relationship.

I honestly think both your parents are as bad as each other, while your mum has agreed not to say anything about their relationship I don't know if it'll last. Are you prepared to cut her off too? It does sound like you tried to push the subject and when you dad wouldn't bite you got angry and he put a stop to the conversation.

I've been known to hang up when someone won't take no for an answer and it's heading towards an argument, while I accept it's rude you were also rude to keep pushing.

If you don't want to speak to him then don't but I think you have to accept you've had a role in this falling out too. I'd also have a plan for the next inevitable fall out between your parents as your mum might not fulfill your agreement.

He doesn't want to talk to his daughter about his marriage. That's his right, you seen to be badgering him to do something he really doesn't want to do and then punishing him for stopping the conversation.

I am not trying to talk about his marriage. I am trying to talk about ME. All i said to him was that I would prefer it if i dont want to hear about his marriage. Because im trying to create boundaries that my parents clearly dont care about. The minute i mention that its not good for me to hear about their issues, he starts to turn on me and tell me that i have no right to ask him to not speak about them. Apparently i will regret asking him that and that i should always be there for them regarless of how their issues are making me feel.

I honestly dont see me pushing. I called him up, i tried to set the conversation up as nicely as possible. Asking him how he is, asking how work is, anything new with him. The minute i mention that i dont want to hear about his relationship because its not good for me, he just switched. I told him if he didnt want to talk about it and if he wasnt ready, then we dont have to. Simple as that. Instead he got angrier and told me that i would regret ever asking to not be involved in their marital issues and hung up on me

But you have kept going back. And he’s probably not going to see your side of it, so you’re wasting your breath.
It would be a shame to have no relationship with him at all. I’ve seen these things drag on and fester until it’s too late.

You say you only asked your dad not to talk about the marriage but he was not the one trying to discuss it with you, your mum was. Plus in your third paragraph you say that you tried to talk to your dad about what your mum had said, so that doesn't ring quite true.

Unless there is real history of manipulation from your dad I would not assume that him sending photos and videos of your father daughter dance was a ploy. It seems more like a way to keep in contact and remind you that he loves you.

He might feel really upset about the situation with your mum and not want the topic brought up at all, even to discuss your feelings on it, if he hasn't yet dealt with his own. Your mum actually seems like the one who is being quite unfair to keep bringing it up with you.

If he has been a good dad to you in the past I think it's pretty harsh to turn your back on him for having an emotional block on this one issue.

So essentially swallow how i feel in order to maintain a relationship with him? Every single person in his life has turned their back on him because when things get too emotional, he will hang up the phone or walk away from the conversation entirely. I have put up with it my whole life and now i am putting myself through therapy because i cant handle it. I have defended him through all of his best friends who have left him because of his words/actions. Even when my own brother decided to cut contact with him a few years ago, i told him that he was making a mistake. Cut to now and i have never seen my brother happier. And the only reason why my mum is still with him is because shes worried she will lose citizenship if she were to divorce my dad. He needs to realise that with the way he is going, he will have pushed everyone out of his life.

If im being honest, they don't actually speak about what happened. They just try to ignore it and hope that it will all work out.

I called my mum to ask what happened, but she told me she didnt want to talk about it

I then tried to talk to my dad about it.

I then tried to contact him again about what happened

When i tried to reapproach the same subject again, he got mad again and hung up again despite me telling him not to do that.

Then I tried to call my dad again. This time i approached it very differently. I practically had to hold back what i was saying so he didnt get upset. I slowly tried to turn the conversation to what the issue is because i feel as though i should be able to tell my dad how i feel

Because my dad was unable to listen to me before hanging up every single time. I sent him one last text to tell him how i felt because if you cant even be mature enough to just hear me out, i will make you hear it.

Re read your op, You are the one wanting to discuss their marriage and they dont want to, You really need to back off and leave them to sort this between themselves, they are adults!

Your update is so contradicting, you made it clear in your first post it is YOU who wants to discuss their relationship.

You cant make him talk if he doesn't want too. You do sound overly involved. You say you don't want to be involved and don't want your mum to talk about it with you, but then you go to your dad trying to 'resolve' the issue.

Your relationship with each of them is completely separate to their relationship with each other.

Correct, i wanted to talk about it but not in the context of what happened. Not my business, not my place. I wanted to talk about how what had happened between them affected ME. Thats it. That simple. As simple as if you could please keep your marital affairs private, i would really appreciate it

This all sounds quite confusing.

It sounds like him and your mum are divorcing. Of course it affects you but it affects them far far more and will be a stressful time for them. You call your dad and want to talk about it, specifically how it affects you. I don't think that was the right thing to do to be honest. As it affects him more the right thing would have been to offload on to someone neutral.

You know he can't talk about feeling. Yes that's shit. But you weren't going to be able to reverse his (I'm guessing) result of his upbringing and how he has lived his whole life and his whole personality, through one phone call at a really stressful time for him and expecting anything different was very realistic.

I do think you're over reacting based just on this example. It's a lot to cut someone off because you want something from them they are not capable of giving in the format that you want. Do you really think you will be happier never speaking to him for ever? Or accepting his limitations and keeping a more superficial relationship?

"Correct, i wanted to talk about it but not in the context of what happened. Not my business, not my place. I wanted to talk about how what had happened between them affected ME. Thats it. That simple. As simple as if you could please keep your marital affairs private, i would really appreciate it"

But I thought he was keeping his marital affairs private and it was actually your mum who had spoken to you in detail?

10 years. This has been ongoing for 10 years. I dont want to hear about it anymore. If he is not ready to talk about it, i would have given him time. But i have given him 10 years to just accept that i dont want to be subject to their marital affairs. He has a history of doing this, ive just always pushed how i have been feeling for the sake of keeping up appearances and because i cant be bothered to deal with drama. I have just reached a point in my life where i dont want to keep ignoring the problem anymore.

I don't get it.

You've deliberately rung your dad THREE TIMES to say "I don't want to hear it"

And when he says "don't make this all about you" you scream and throw a tantrum

And when he tries to show you that no matter what's happening in his marriage he'll always love you like he did when you were younger you call this manipulation and tell him AGAIN that you don't want to hear about his marriage

I think you might be more like your father than you think.
you want to talk to him about something and, when he doesn’t want to hear about it, you block him. It’s essentially the same behaviour.

I dont necessarily think i would be happier. Which is why i have chosen to go to therapy, in the hopes that i can try and overcome how i feel and start a relationship with him. Even if it means compromising how i feel. Any attempt for a relationship at the minute would be entirely fake. Everyone else in his life has given up on him because he never attempted to make the effort to get better. Therefore, i always had to be there for him and had to blindly agree to everything he says as he has a bad temper problem. I just feel overwhelmed with all this and to improve or go back to me blindly agreeing with him again, i will need some distance and therapy to get me to that stage

It sounds like you were really badgering your Dad. Your Dad sounds annoying but I think you’ve been unfair on him. Maybe sending photos was manipulative or maybe it was the only thing he could think of to try and neutralise the situation.

It sounds very difficult and upsetting OP. There is obviously a lot more to the picture than you are ever able to share in your OP. Gently, I suggest saying to both parents you never want to discuss the other parent or the breakdown of their relationship. If they are able to both stick to that rule with you, you will be able to maintain a happy relationship with both. I wish you well, it must be incredibly draining for you.

So neither of you want to talk about it?

Except you want to talk to him about how you don't want to talk about it?

He's made his feelings clear by shutting down conversation, which is his right. Your way of dealing with it is contradictory and exhausting.

I think therapy is the right call here.