Family issues

[Momo2314]

For context, my parents have had a very up and down relationship over the past 10 years. The down being a 'i want a divorce' each time for them to come to the decision that they will try again. If im being honest, they don't actually speak about what happened. They just try to ignore it and hope that it will all work out.

Recently, my mum told me that she was going to divorce my dad. A part of me obviously didnt believe it, but because they had been 'fine' for some time, i thought maybe it was finally happening. I felt quite relieved to be honest.

I called my mum to ask what happened, but she told me she didnt want to talk about it. She did however talk to me openly and honestly about how she was feeling. I then tried to talk to my dad about it. He proceeded to act as if nothing had happened. When i tried to approach the subject, he got angry and very defensive very quickly. He then hung up the phone on me, which made me extremely upset.

I decided to ignore him for a few weeks. In those weeks, he never tried to resolve what had happened. Instead he texted me photos of our family dog and photos of me and him in the past. (Emotional manipulation, i know). I then tried to contact him again about what happened. I apologised for my part in the first argument we had because i know i also reacted too emotionally too. I told him that he really upset me by hanging up on me. He told me that he was just upset. Not exactly an apology, but i know he's not capable of that. When i tried to reapproach the same subject again, he got mad again and hung up again despite me telling him not to do that.

I couldnt bare to see the emotional manipulative texts that would happen after this, so i blocked him. A month went by and i heard nothing from him. I then recieved a voicemail from him telling me whenever i am ready to talk, he's there and that he just wants me to love him. I had a conversarion prior to calling my dad again for the third time to tell her that i thought their relationship wouldnt work, but if this is something that she wanted, i wasnt going to stop her. Instead i asked her not to speak about their relationship with me. She agreed and told me thar shr understood how i felt. Then I tried to call my dad again. This time i approached it very differently. I practically had to hold back what i was saying so he didnt get upset. I slowly tried to turn the conversation to what the issue is because i feel as though i should be able to tell my dad how i feel. He started to raise his voice at me and was telling me to calm down. I wasnt angry, or erratic. Any calmer and i would have had to have been dead. He then hung up on me again. I threw my phone and i actually screamed. I have never felt so irrate and overwhelmed before. i started throwing up because i was so emotional.

Because my dad was unable to listen to me before hanging up every single time. I sent him one last text to tell him how i felt because if you cant even be mature enough to just hear me out, i will make you hear it. The gist of it was basically that has been the third time you have hung up on me and it will be the last as i do not want to speak to you and subject myself to that again. I blocked and deleted his number this time and i dont have any plans to try and resolve it. I have referred myself to a therapist to try and deal with this.

Have i done the right thing?

I absolutely do get it.

I’m in your mums position, and found myself moaning about her dad my DD. She told me it was hard for her because she loved her dad, even if she understood my frustrations. She told me that I needed to speak to someone and it couldn’t be her.

I fully understand her point of view and will make sure I don’t try and involve her again in the future. I know she loves me, but she needs this boundary.

I think it is perfectly valid to tell your dad the same thing. The fact he won’t listen and has put the phone down three times on you, rather supports the fact why your mum has problems with him.

The fact he told you that he “just wants you to love him” instead of how much he loves you is telling.

I disagree with some of the PP’s on this thread. I think you should do whatever you feel is necessary to protect yourself. As you said 10 years is a very very long time - they need to be the grown ups here.

He's a man that doesn't have the same emotional responses to things that you do.
You want to talk it all out, he wants to pretend it didn't happen and has reached out in a friendly way (as he will see it with nice pictures).

Presumably this is his way of dealing with things and is a cause of the issues in his marriage.
But you can't force someone feel differently because you do.

You can either accept the way he is and have a relationship on that basis or go nuclear. Personally I don't understand the latter.
I have a dad who doesn't prioritise the things in life I do but I accept his limitations (and he probably does mine).
Family isn't perfect.

Your mum's decision to stay is hers. Just try and stay neutral.

Blocking him seems ridiculous

I call him up, ask him how he is. I want to tell him how i feel. He doesnt want to hear it, so he hangs up on me. Doesnt actually tell me he is sorry, instead he sends me old photos of us and demands that i have no right to tell him how i feel.

Ok. Noted. Call him the second time to tell him please dont hang up on me as it was really hurtful. Instead he just gave me excuses as to why he did that. I told him that i would still like to talk about it if thats ok. If not, then we talk about anything else. Immediately starts to get mad and told me to 'delete his number' as he didnt want to. All i asked was whether it would be ok to speak about how i was feeling. A simple no, i would rather not would have been ok and we would have moved on.

I distanced myself as i was not ready to talk to him. He left me a voicemail telling me he was 'ready'. So i call him a third time and this time i barely say anthing, i let him talk. He got angry with his own emotions again and hung up on me again.

I want nothing more than to talk to my dad. But in that third conversation, i barely said anything to try and not get an angry reaction from him. And yet, he still reacted the same. He said he was ready. I know he clearly wasny ready, but if hes the one telling me he is. What am i to make of that?

If i dont block him, i will end up hurting myself. I am not blocking him forever, i am blocking him to protect myself for as long as i see fit. Every message or photo that he sends me does more harm to me than good which is why i need to block him. I want to live and i dont think i will be able to keep myself from harm if i am exposed to something that has harmed me more than it has done good.

I agree counselling sounds like the way forward for you, Why can you not understand he does not want to talk about it? You sound relentless, It doesn't matter how many different ways you broach it with him, he does not want to discuss it. There should be no more calls asking him to, You are causing the rift here imo.

You can never be a confidante to both parties with relationship issues and frankly, shouldn't be a confidante to either when it is your parents. It sounds like a very enmeshed and unhealthy situation and if you want to have a relationship with them both going forwards, I would suggest sending an identical email/letter to each, saying that you love them but cannot be party to their marital woes any longer for the sake of your own mental health and asking for a fresh start in that respect. It may or may not work but is clear in putting down boundaries and asking for a reset.

It sounds as if there are other issues between you and your father and it is very difficult to work out what they are from your posts. I agree that therapy to get to the bottom of it may be a good plan.

I want nothing more than to talk to my dad. But in that third conversation, i barely said anything to try and not get an angry reaction from him. And yet, he still reacted the same. He said he was ready. I know he clearly wasny ready, but if hes the one telling me he is. What am i to make of that?

He is ready to talk, just not about his marriage! Its quite simple.

Thank you for seeing my side.

I love my parents more than anything. However, 10 years is just too exhausting and draining.

I felt as though to get to a relationship with him again, i will have to take some time to swallow how i feel and just pretend as though this ongoing issue is just not there.

That is something that will probably happen, i just need some time to get to that point.

Honestly, most people in his life just couldnt handle it enough. Thats why even my brother stopped talking to him a few years ago.

I am trying my best not to get to the point of me never speaking to him again. To do that, a bit of distance is the only way i can deal with this.

I know he is not ready to talk about it. What he does choose to do is mention something about my mum, so when i ask him AGAIN nice and simply to not talk about their relationship and that i just want to speak to just him, he gets angry at me and tells me not to speak about it. What? He brought it up. How can i not talk about it if he is the one to bring it up?

So when he tells me he's ready to talk to me about what happened, im supposed to be some sort of code decipher and to actually take that even though the words 'i am ready to talk about what happened' actually means something else?

But to move on you have to accept that he's never going to give you the answer you want. There is something completely built into him that means he doesn't discuss the feelings of others or apologize for his actions.

He reaches out in other ways which he thinks say this (even if to you they don't)

The boundary issue is hard to resolve. You cross his to talk about it, he crosses yours to cut you off. You probably have a major insight into why their marriage goes in circles.

You won't get what you want out of it. Personally I'd make the next conversation about something totally different. How's the garden, and holiday plans etc.
His emotions are off limits and by default so are yours

Parents do not want to talk about marital problems with their kids.
I don’t understand why you have been pushing them.

Are you giving your mum as much grief as him? You clearly have 'chosen sides' and are seeing everything he does as wrong!

Thats precisely my point. Im literally telling them not to involve me. My mum told me that she understood and that she wouldnt involve me. But for some reason, my dad thinks its ok for me to be involved and that if i dont want to hear it, then im turning my back on the family like my brother did. No my brother had enough of my dads words and actions, so he made boundaries with him.

I have said the exact same thing to my mum as my dad. If anything i have actually been a lot harsher with my mum as she was the one to involve me and instigate this

Are they actually separating or just unhappy together?

you will have to accept that he’s not going to suddenly see your point of view and go along with your wishes. I guess eventually he’ll have other things on his mind and will stop talking about it anyway.

If you want a relationship with him you need to stop trying to force him to have a conversation he very clearly doesn’t want. That doesn’t mean you have to listen, you either chat about other things and suddenly have an urgent call if he deviates or zone out with a few stock responses.

Cutting all contact with a parent is pretty hardcore and you obviously love him to be getting so invested in all this. Step away, have some therapy and then you might feel able to do this differently because the current status quo isn’t working.

Who even knows at this point? My mum wants to discuss the relationship, but every attempt has been met with him walking away from the conversation.

Cutting contact is definetly hardcore and trust me, that is the last thing i want to do. But at the same time, i see how much happier my brother is since he has cut contact. I dont want my mind to think that cutting contact is the better option, but what if it actually is?

I called my mum to ask what happened, but she told me she didnt want to talk about it. She did however talk to me openly and honestly about how she was feeling. I then tried to talk to my dad about it

Why did you try to talk to your dad? Your mum told you how she felt. You then phoned your dad up wanting to talk about that with him. Understandably, he didn't want to talk to you, his daughter, about his marriage issues, but you wouldn't let it drop even though he was really uncomfortable to the point where he put the phone down.

Then when he tried to indicate that he was sorry, you got offended and have told him not to talk to you about his marriage ... even though he never wanted to talk to you about his marriage in the first place and you wouldn't let it go when he told you that?

You sound like very hard work.

I feel like you're either massively unreasonable or you're leaving out a massive part. Is the thing you want to discuss, your reaction to whatever's happening, something about your dad which is also causing the relationship issues? Or is it something specific to his marriage. So for example if it's something like "dad you never listen to people and mum is fed up" or is it "dad your alcohol addiction is effecting all of us not just your marriage and we need to talk"

Right on the money there.
Alcohol. Drugs. Whenever its brought up, he 'deserves it' and he's had a 'long day'. Its 10 am and he will start drinking and when i mention that may not be a good idea, he gets mad. So it has gotten to the point where we all just see it happening, but genuinely can't even say anything as it will just cause an argument again. The reason i am being harsher about this at this stage is because it has been ongoing for ten years. honestly i am the only one in his life still fighting for someone who is not willing to get help. Its exhausting for us all to keep walking on eggshells around him, which is why i wish i was more like my brother and just simply not care whether i have a relationship with him or not.

Thats one hell of a drip feed

Absolutely and would've changed some of the answers here and had more sympathy. Stop engaging with him if you don't want to and leave your parents to it, he won't change.

My dad was an alcoholic who died due to the blood thinning consequences of significant and long term alcohol consumption. I was a young teen but we'd (myself and younger sister) been NC for a number of years beforehand and even then it had been a poor relationship. You are not wrong to prioritise yourself but I would stop calling him to discuss it. It's unlikely anything you do or say will make an impact on his addictions. He needs to get help because he wants to, it's the only way he'll succeed.

Talk to your brother about how he feels and what helps him. How's his relationship with your mum? My parents were split so my mum was protecting us and not engaging with his alcoholism by either buying alcohol or providing the time/money for it.

By the time my dad died we had no relationship and his death didn't even affect me. I don't feel guilty for this and you don't need to either.

I think in all honesty, that is the hardest thing for me to accept. That he wont change. Literally every person in my life has told me that he is not going to change. It was easier for my brother as he didnt have much of a relationship with him, but i was the only person in the family he was closest too.

Another part of not mentioning his alcohol issues is because the reason he drinks so much is because doesnt want to hear what other people say to him. Its just a coping mechanism for him to not address a bigger underlying issue which my brother, my mum and myself have tried to talk to him about.

I suffer from anxiety and depression, so i know that it is hard to want to get help, but for the sake of my own wellbeing, i made that step. But i would never use my anxiety and depression as a way to justify my shitty behaviour. I guess i just didnt want someone telling me that the reason he was behaving like this was purely because of his addiction.

Damn i guess i just never realised that im fighting for a relationship that maybe he doesnt even want.

All e of you sound toxic. I honestly can't believe that you don't see a problem with bringing something up THREE TIMES when he made it clear he didn't want to hear it. You could have waited to state your boundary when he actually crossed it (i.e. him starting to talk about your mum and their problems "dad, I dont want to be brought in to your marriage issues, thanks". New subject" but really didn't seem like he ever did so you kept bringing it up yourself. You seem to think it matters what context you brought it up but it doesn't. He made it clear he didn't want to talk about his marriage with you and you kept bringing it up. End of.

I mean, they're getting a divorce, they're the ones going through that suffering, and while you are affected, you are not the central character of this drama. How they handle this, and what they wish to discuss is their business, as long as they don't drag you into the middle of it