Family issues

[Momo2314]

For context, my parents have had a very up and down relationship over the past 10 years. The down being a 'i want a divorce' each time for them to come to the decision that they will try again. If im being honest, they don't actually speak about what happened. They just try to ignore it and hope that it will all work out.

Recently, my mum told me that she was going to divorce my dad. A part of me obviously didnt believe it, but because they had been 'fine' for some time, i thought maybe it was finally happening. I felt quite relieved to be honest.

I called my mum to ask what happened, but she told me she didnt want to talk about it. She did however talk to me openly and honestly about how she was feeling. I then tried to talk to my dad about it. He proceeded to act as if nothing had happened. When i tried to approach the subject, he got angry and very defensive very quickly. He then hung up the phone on me, which made me extremely upset.

I decided to ignore him for a few weeks. In those weeks, he never tried to resolve what had happened. Instead he texted me photos of our family dog and photos of me and him in the past. (Emotional manipulation, i know). I then tried to contact him again about what happened. I apologised for my part in the first argument we had because i know i also reacted too emotionally too. I told him that he really upset me by hanging up on me. He told me that he was just upset. Not exactly an apology, but i know he's not capable of that. When i tried to reapproach the same subject again, he got mad again and hung up again despite me telling him not to do that.

I couldnt bare to see the emotional manipulative texts that would happen after this, so i blocked him. A month went by and i heard nothing from him. I then recieved a voicemail from him telling me whenever i am ready to talk, he's there and that he just wants me to love him. I had a conversarion prior to calling my dad again for the third time to tell her that i thought their relationship wouldnt work, but if this is something that she wanted, i wasnt going to stop her. Instead i asked her not to speak about their relationship with me. She agreed and told me thar shr understood how i felt. Then I tried to call my dad again. This time i approached it very differently. I practically had to hold back what i was saying so he didnt get upset. I slowly tried to turn the conversation to what the issue is because i feel as though i should be able to tell my dad how i feel. He started to raise his voice at me and was telling me to calm down. I wasnt angry, or erratic. Any calmer and i would have had to have been dead. He then hung up on me again. I threw my phone and i actually screamed. I have never felt so irrate and overwhelmed before. i started throwing up because i was so emotional.

Because my dad was unable to listen to me before hanging up every single time. I sent him one last text to tell him how i felt because if you cant even be mature enough to just hear me out, i will make you hear it. The gist of it was basically that has been the third time you have hung up on me and it will be the last as i do not want to speak to you and subject myself to that again. I blocked and deleted his number this time and i dont have any plans to try and resolve it. I have referred myself to a therapist to try and deal with this.

Have i done the right thing?

@Momo2314 I think you have it harder than I did, I've never known any different. I was too young when my parents split (triggered by an event related to alcoholism) to have an independent relationship with him. My mum tried to facilitate a relationship (it didn't work, and one year he even forgot my birthday) until I was about 8 when I said I didn't want to see him anymore. After that we didn't see him at all in person, we occasionally saw him waddling along the roadside (very serious liver cirrhosis) as we drove to school and he died about 4 years later, alone in his flat at Christmas after falling and being unable to help himself or get help. Depending on his alcohol consumption this could be his future, your mum might eventually leave and he might continue to harm himself. His future is potentially very lonely but that's a choice he's made, you shouldn't feel guilty about it and you shouldn't stay in touch if his actions are harmful to you.

It's hard and the answer isn't straight forward. Take some time, think about what you want from the future and if that includes the man your father is now as he's unlikely to change. Consider how this might affect your relationship with the wider family. I think he does want a relationship with you but isn't willing/able to give up his addictions to have it but at the same time is not willing/able to get help to stop.

@Momo2314 I'm sorry you are going through this. There's nothing you can do to force your Dad to have an emotional capacity he may not have. Nor can you force good conversation. The best you can do is see that for whatever reason your Dad can't talk about this in the way you need and get outside support to deal with your feelings. Very few people, even parents, can be what you need when you need. It is a hard reality of adulthood.

Therapy is a good idea. Not because you did anything 'wrong' but because you need a safe space to process your feelings. I don't think that means you can't have a relationship with your Dad. But that relationship may need to not take on both his relationship with your Mum and how you feel as a result. It sounds like it was you bringing that up, so it's less likely he will. Shift your expectations and you may find your relationship can get to a better place.

good luck.

This is all sounds very draining on you. I can't help but feel that you have become your mother's spokesperson in this. Whilst she has agreed to back off and not involve you further, you need to talk to your dad about your feelings. I can't help but feel their will be some criticism around his lifestyle choices, which will have a bearing on his marriage breakdown?

You can't change your dad, your mum sounds like she has tried but failed and it isn't your job either. Get therapy to discuss your feelings around his behaviour and your entire family dynamics in the meantime try to enjoy a superficial relationship now rather than digging deep. Only once the divorce is complete and both parents have recovered, might he be able to process your feelings as well as his own.

Counselling is a good idea.

You're unfortunately badgering your dad, it isn't helpful to either of you. If you want to step away from conversations then just do so politely, obviously when you're starting up complaints in each call that will cause an argument. Picture and video sharing can be taken as just kindly intentioned nostalgia, but it looks like further issues start because you're reading too much into it.

Your mum should stop chatting with you about it all as you're getting inappropriately involved in their relationship; she needs to deal with this herself and you need to learn how to signpost her to counselling instead then politely close those conversations. The drip feed that dad's a drink with drugs problems is a major one, that will be exacerbating everything, but it doesn't change the fundamentals that you need to stop inserting yourself into their rows and demanding to talk to him about them. Please read back what you've written; it is you raising the topic not him.