Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is it normal to have to negotiate on every single thing with DP?

51 replies

Passthegin99 · 15/05/2022 12:37

So this is a big issue but I'll try and keep it short. In essence, ever since we moved in together 6 years ago my DP seems to disagree with me constantly (and usually wins). This is about everything big and small - when I was on mat leave he used to insist he knew best for our DS despite me being the one at home with him all day every day and now it's things like furniture choices, where we are allowed to live, whether we can have a dog, down to small things like (this morning) whether our DS (now 3) needs larger pants - just get some FFS! - to how to store suitcases, or how much rice to get with our curry...the list goes on and I'm exhausted!

Is this normal?? All the other women I know have husbands who go along with things at least some of the time!

OP posts:
Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 15/05/2022 12:42

OP, you have had 6 years of this behaviour, why has it become a problem now?

Genuine question.

KangarooKenny · 15/05/2022 12:43

That sounds exhausting, get rid !

Doyoumind · 15/05/2022 12:45

He sounds like a dick and a nightmare to live with. It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you. Do you not think he's quite controlling?

thistimelastweek · 15/05/2022 12:46

Exhausting was the word that sprang to my mind.
Can you live like that? (Also a genuine question. )

TheSandgroper · 15/05/2022 12:47

We have a really traditional set up here but there is a reason for the saying “happy wife, happy life”. Dh has his opinions on everything, of course he does - this is his home too. But it comes down to recognition and respect for each other’s efforts and skills.

Your D H is showing you neither. This forum is full of women ground down by the lack of research and recognition from their partners, no matter what they do.

Can you see the next six months like this? What will six years of this look like to you? What will sixteen years of this look like to you? What will you look like on the inside?

Do you like the look of what you see? There is another say, trite as it may be. When someone showed you what they are like, believe them. I think you need to believe when is being shown to you.

TheSandgroper · 15/05/2022 12:48

I typed respect, not research, for whatever it’s worth.

SexyLittleNosferatu · 15/05/2022 12:49

KangarooKenny · 15/05/2022 12:43

That sounds exhausting, get rid !

This.

Raise the bar op, seriously. He clearly sees himself as in charge of you. Fuck him off. Don't waste your life just for the sake of keeping hold of a mediocre man.

mummyrocks1 · 15/05/2022 12:49

I am in this exact situation with my dH. I can only describe it as a constant power struggle. I used to think we were literally arguing over that topic but now I realise it was about control or power. Unfortunately it won't get better. My DH have been like this 15 years plus. I am exhausted.

Aniita · 15/05/2022 12:49

Not at all normal. My ex did this to a lesser degree. If he had an opinion, his was right. (He just didn't always have an opinion). Since breaking up, I've realised how much I had to slightly mould my wants and needs to fit his. And how much I just suppressed my opinion as it didn't always feel worth the debate. It's stifling.

Original poster
Passthegin99 · 15/05/2022 12:53

Probably just cumulative... and I changed career after mat leave and put myself in a weak position financially (significantly less money coming in than previously so I can't just solve arguments by buying whatever item I think we need myself) which adds to my feelings of lack of agency.

OP posts:
napody · 15/05/2022 12:53

Getting a dog needs to be a joint decision I think. But for all the petty stuff YANBU.

Original poster
Passthegin99 · 15/05/2022 12:54

That sucks. Can you see yourself leaving though? I fantasise about having my own home again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthegin99 · 15/05/2022 12:55

Sorry that was at mummyrocks1

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthegin99 · 15/05/2022 12:56

napody · 15/05/2022 12:53

Getting a dog needs to be a joint decision I think. But for all the petty stuff YANBU.

This is true but he said we can get one when we leave London but he doesn't want leave! Plus I had two dogs when he met me (since died of old age) so he knows dogs are part of the package

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthegin99 · 15/05/2022 12:58

Aniita · 15/05/2022 12:49

Not at all normal. My ex did this to a lesser degree. If he had an opinion, his was right. (He just didn't always have an opinion). Since breaking up, I've realised how much I had to slightly mould my wants and needs to fit his. And how much I just suppressed my opinion as it didn't always feel worth the debate. It's stifling.

Exactly this. And I often have to suppress my opinion because if I disagree in front of our son that is obviously unhealthy

OP posts:
RagzRebooted · 15/05/2022 13:00

I run the home, so I make all home related decisions apart from really big ones like moving that obviously need both of us. I'd actually like DH to take on some of the planning, organising etc and to have more agency as I think it would improve his mental health/self worth but it's hard to change after 17 years.

paisley256 · 15/05/2022 13:01

I'm tired just reading that op there's no way I could put up with that.

TimeForTeaAndG · 15/05/2022 13:02

Passthegin99 · 15/05/2022 12:58

Exactly this. And I often have to suppress my opinion because if I disagree in front of our son that is obviously unhealthy

Show quote history

It's totally normal to have a difference of opinion in front of your child. What isn't ok is of one partner is constantly "right" and won't compromise so becomes argumentative when faced with someone who doesn't just agree with them.

Or do you mean your P tells you it's unhealthy to disagree in front of your DC?

Original poster
Passthegin99 · 15/05/2022 13:05

TimeForTeaAndG · 15/05/2022 13:02

It's totally normal to have a difference of opinion in front of your child. What isn't ok is of one partner is constantly "right" and won't compromise so becomes argumentative when faced with someone who doesn't just agree with them.

Or do you mean your P tells you it's unhealthy to disagree in front of your DC?

Show quote history

The problem is DS strongly prefers me so if I disagree with DP in front of him DS kicks off and it adds to the 'Daddy is wrong/bad' dynamic which is soul-destroying for all involved

OP posts:
MandUs · 15/05/2022 13:06

I don't understand how anybody would even last long enough in a relationship like this to end up married. It sounds bloody exhausting. Like your home is a constant battle ground when really it should be your sanctuary.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/05/2022 13:08

It sounds like he doesn’t want a dog-that is fine and it needs for both people to agree for that, I think.

Lots if the other stuff sounds hard work though!

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 15/05/2022 13:10

Remind him he isn't your df and you aren't 10. He also isn't your boss.
Doesn't sound like a man I would find sexually attractive..

DoubleGauze · 15/05/2022 13:11

Exh was like this. When I already had made plans to leave and had one foot out of the door I tested the theory that he just liked disagreeing with me. I said I really wanted to buy a new oven ( he'd been talking about getting one for ages) his response was that I needed to learn to use our current one correctly and that I was ungrateful.

He was a twat and my life is better without him.

Tibtab · 15/05/2022 13:14

Passthegin99 · 15/05/2022 13:05

The problem is DS strongly prefers me so if I disagree with DP in front of him DS kicks off and it adds to the 'Daddy is wrong/bad' dynamic which is soul-destroying for all involved

Show quote history

I disagree with DH in front of the DCs. They can see that Mummy and Daddy can think different ideas about things and that they discuss them Without getting angry.

Right now, your son just sees that Daddy is always right. Mummy isn’t allowed to have an opinion.

There are healthy ways to have disagreements.

ScattyHattie · 15/05/2022 13:18

My ex used to do the opposite and when asked for an opinion would just turn it back ' I dunno, what do you think/want to do?' Also exhausting and then of course later down the line your being blamed for their lack of agency and portrayed as controlling. Due to anxiety I like to know what's, what and have plans so all the unknowns and burden on me to decide everything was very stressful. When I was made redundant and they were the sole earner I found this power shift too as then my opinions we're barely given lip service and if they disagreed what they said was final, it became more parent/child than equal partners.

Honestly save yourself, I wish I'd left before my daily anxiety was sky high and damaged my self confidence.

Swipe left for the next trending thread