AIBU or is it normal to have to negotiate on every single thing with DP?

[Passthegin99]

So this is a big issue but I'll try and keep it short. In essence, ever since we moved in together 6 years ago my DP seems to disagree with me constantly (and usually wins). This is about everything big and small - when I was on mat leave he used to insist he knew best for our DS despite me being the one at home with him all day every day and now it's things like furniture choices, where we are allowed to live, whether we can have a dog, down to small things like (this morning) whether our DS (now 3) needs larger pants - just get some FFS! - to how to store suitcases, or how much rice to get with our curry...the list goes on and I'm exhausted!

Is this normal?? All the other women I know have husbands who go along with things at least some of the time!

OP you say disagreeing in front of your son isn't healthy, well neither is the environment he will be growing up in either! Why are you questioning it now, you've had 6 years plus you decided to have a child with him? What's changed?

Op, this is about control and reminded me of my marriage. Once I was more vulnerable financially it altered the power balance.

Like your situation he also felt threatened by my relationship with the children and as they got older he felt he had to assert control (over simple decisions) so that he was important in their lives.

Ex saw every decision as win/lose. If I got my way then in his mind, he had lost. I couldn't relate to his mindset as I was very happy to split day to day decisions. We did loads of counselling and he also did solo counselling, as on some level he knew his behaviour wasn't healthy but he couldn't change his win/lose mindset. It came from his authorian childhood so fairly ingrained.

Patricia Evans has a good book on this "the verbally abusive relationship" as it discusses the need for control. Lundy is also worth reading.

This was my life with exH. It was a constant power struggle over every tiny little thing. We worked together too, so every day was an exhausting struggle. It's awful OP.

We still work with one another but at least I can leave him there. Think carefully about your future with him.

He sounds like my husband OP. It really gets me down some days. I guess in all my other relationships I’ve been ‘boss’ to an extent but DH is entirely unrelenting. He will never back down and essentially what he says, goes. I can tell my friends and family are uncomfortable about how much he controls things.

The trouble with us is, he is the main breadwinner and some of the stuff that we disagree on, if it’s whether to buy something for instance, I couldn’t physically afford to buy it and so if he says no, that’s the end of the argument and I just have to relent. I want another dog, have done for years (we have 1 already) we live in a plenty big enough house etc but he says no. He doesn’t want another dog now, even though for years he’s been saying ‘yes okay, just not right now.’ The time to do it never appears. He sees himself as boss really because he brings in the majority of our household income and until I’m earning a better wage I can’t see that changing. It’s shit and I seem to have sleepwalked into this dynamic.

So no advice but I hear you.

Husband is a cunt.
LTB

Your DS knows your DP isn’t very nice but if you keep going along with him, he’s going to be confused about his own opinion. It’s kind of invalidating his opinion.

When we’re not honest and try to hide things we can just end up making things worse. You’ll make yourself ill if you keep suppressing your feelings.

if it were me I’d write all this in an email so your DP knows exactly how his behaviour is destroying your family. (I suspect he won’t understand. If he’s anything like my exDH that part of his brain will be missing.) He will know exactly what needs to change and if he doesn’t do that then you should probably end the relationship.

Have you ever spoken to him about it OP? Why does he think he knows better than you about every single subject? Does he ever apologise or even acknowledge when he gets it wrong (so he says you need two rice, you say one, and you order two but only end up eating one and the other gets chucked).

I think arguing infront of children is bad. But having different opinions is good, if they're discussed respectfully and a compromise is reached. So him: lets order two rice. You: last time that was two much, how about one. Him: nope I'm getting two. Just shows that it's ok to completely dismiss your point without even giving it proper consideration. But him saying: 'you're right but I'm so hungry today and I'm looking forward to leftovers for breakfast so it wont go to waste' or 'yes I'd forgotten that, let's forget the rice but do you fancy sharing x instead' is fine.

Is it to do with finances? If so then could you consider going back to your previous job? Can you tell him you think the dynamic has changed and ask him if he would support you changing career since it was the last time he properly listened to you?

We disagree all the time, most of the time we compromise or we let the person who is most invested have their preference. Eg we disagreed over names for our children, both were a compromise, but the final decision was left to me (out of the final shortlist of 3) because he really really wanted them to have his surname. I wanted my surname too but compromised with this as a middle name etc. Yes I would have preferred my first choice of names but that wouldnt have been a relationship it would have been a dictatorship. Being in a relationship means you are a partnership and partners are meant to work together, one isn't meant to be the boss.

Ultimately not even having a say in major decisions that affect your life, is going to lead to you becoming very frustrated and resentful.

If he wasn't always like this maybe he can change, but it would require quite a lot of work from his part, through therapy.

I think the first stage is sitting him down and pointing out what's happening. Not in a 'you never let me make decisions' but in a 'I'm not feeling listened to and I don't feel i have an equal say in decisions, why do you think this might be, what can we do about it. And if he denies it, you say you'll point it out when it happens again so you can discuss at the time why your opinions don't seem to be listened to

He sounds like my niece’s husband . In 4 years she has gone from being a bubbly young woman to a worn down one .
It’s hideous.

Why are you choosing to live like this? What a horrible environment for a child.

I could have wrote this myself OP. It’s absolutely exhausting isn’t it?

Is it a contrariness (constant disagreeing almost out of habit) or is it a negotiation (genuinely different opinions and he won’t compromise)?

If it is the former - have you said that it’s exhausting to try and talk to him when he only disagrees? My 9 year old is going through this phase, and I constantly pull her up on it and model how to have a civil conversation.

ie
sister 7: What does Alex do when Ben always sings that song to annoy him?
sister 9: Ben doesn’t always sing that song.
sister 7: oh? You said yesterday that Ben sings it the most?

I say, you could have said: Actually, it isn’t Ben who sings that song, it’s Roy, and when he does sing it Alex gets cross and puts his fingers in his ears.

making the point that blunt disagreeing ruins a conversation and makes it really hard to discuss anything.

It’s the sort of thing teenagers do because they haven’t learnt the ‘art’ of conversation and enjoy being difficult 😬.

however if it is the latter - that’s actually much harder to resolve. Do you think you’re incompatible?

I think it's a bit of both. He enjoys conflict and doesn't find it stressful whereas I can't bear it. For example he is the type to keep annoying cold callers on the line to waste their time back. Or with our son he winds him up deliberately thinking it's fun eg he'll substitute the wrong words when he's reading to him which DS hates. The latter isn't malicious but I makes me wince.

This is all very familiar. I was also always in charge in previous relationships. I don't recognize myself now! And mine also says yes to things as long as they stay in the future. :/

He sounds controlling and I think it would bore me silly to have him make the decisions. I’m the contrary cow who would argue everything because I won’t be told what to buy/do. Have you spoken to him about this? About how sometimes he needs to compromise/allow other POV?

It sounds utterly miserable, will your DS be allowed an opinion?

I think you will be so eroded over the years if you don't escape.

And I often have to suppress my opinion because if I disagree in front of our son that is obviously unhealthy

Eh? No it isn't.

Whsts unhealthy is your oh controlling and brow beating you and your child never seeing you stand up for yourself.

Years ago after finishing with my longterm partner, my Brother advised me: 'When a man is a resistant, impenetrable brick wall - for your own sanity, leave him alone.

He enjoys conflict and doesn't find it stressful whereas I can't bear it. For example he is the type to keep annoying cold callers on the line to waste their time back. Or with our son he winds him up deliberately thinking it's fun eg he'll substitute the wrong words when he's reading to him which DS hates

Isn't the thought of the total calm and bliss without this mess in your life, quite appealing? I know when I ended things with my ex, although I was upset, after a few days I realised being with him was like having an intrusive, irritating radio programme not of my choice constantly on in the background.

Then I metaphorically leaned forward and turned it off. Instant, ongoing peace.

Not normal.

Compromise is good but in our house if one of us really feels strongly about not doing something we don't do it. If one of us feels really strongly about doing something then we discuss it and if it doesn't affect us as a family financially it emotionally then we usually do it.

This does lead to arguments at times.

If I decide to buy my kids pants he doesn't say anything. I'd be the same if he decided our kids needed pants (unless they were diamond encrusted or something....not completely unlikely knowing DHs idea of what is and isn't expensive!)

Do you notice it to be worse when your DH is not doing well in other areas of life? Stress, anxiety, whatever?

It seems like a sign of a man lacking self-esteem.

Of course its not normal, he sounds like a total control freak and this kind of behaviour is exhausting. You are supposed to be a team but you are basically being told you know nothing and you have to do as he says.
He'd last approx 5 seconds with me I can tell you.

I'm in this with DW, it's exhausting, it's miserable. It's also escalated to the stage where whatever I say or do is automatically wrong and has to be argued over. If I could get out without exposing my kids I would.

I couldn’t live like this.

just think how much happier you’d be living with the dog you want and not having to have these petty battles and your spirit crushed every day.

A long-ago ex did this. Every little thing. I wasn't allowed to be right about anything. I knew if ever I suggested anything at all, the first word out of his mouth would be "no". He tried to demonstrate to me, once, how I was getting baked beans out of the can wrongly. I wish I could say that was the last straw but it's just one of the most absurd examples of his controlling, exhausting behaviour.

Get rid, OP, he's grinding you down into a shadow. Your son already knows what a massively intrusive & soul-destroying irritant his father is. Stop subjecting the poor boy to any more of this sad tyranny.

He enjoys conflict and doesn't find it stressful whereas I can't bear it. For example he is the type to keep annoying cold callers on the line to waste their time back. Or with our son he winds him up deliberately thinking it's fun eg he'll substitute the wrong words when he's reading to him which DS hates

Your husband is a controlling asshole.

what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I have yes. We are currently living separately whilst we have joint counselling. It became too much for me.

I am not sure what the future holds or if we will stay together or not. He's talking about moving back in but I don't want to go back to the constant arguments. I know we won't always agree but it's his reactions to things. But then he says it's mine. I just want to be able to have an adult conversation to reach a decision without it needing to be an argument. We seem to disagree on everything though. Just this week should dc do extra sessions of a particular sport, does dc need more clothes for a holiday, who should put the bins out, where I should park, the list is endless and it's exhausting