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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL making out shes the best granny in the world

60 replies

dottieautie · 15/05/2022 08:28

My mil is forever posting pics up on social media of my children (5&13)and saying how they are her entire world and she lives for them etc, she does ask my partners permission first (although would post anyway if he said no) and she does have her account locked down but I dont like kids on social media and never share photos of them on mine and neither does my parter. The thing is, she rarely sees them, when she does she’s rude to them or generally ignores them and is never available to help out in emergencies despite boasting to us and anyone else who listens that she is always there for them.

She tells everyone she moved nearer to us to be there for the kids and to form better relationships with them, when in reality she wants us to care for her in her old age and forever change lightbulbs.

I accept this is how she is. She has no obligation to be there for my children and my children realise shes a bit of a gobshite and havent really formed bonds with her. It’s a good lesson about how different people are and how not everyone owes you something. The eldest child also recognises and doesnt like how rude she is to me but thats an entirely different issue and as an adult i can deal with that myself.

What annoys me is that when we attend events or meals out with her she is always boasting to anyone who will listen about how wonderful her grandchildren are and how they are her entire life. Her friends all believe she is the worlds best granny and keep telling my kids how lucky they are to have such a wonderful, kind, caring granny (who does that?) . The kids are purely used as a trophy to show everyone how wonderful she is and it annoys me more now that they are of an age to recognise her bullshit.

Non attendance of events isn’t really an option as its my partners mother and he loves her despite her quirks.

WIBU to say something and ask her to stop using them as trophies or to step up and be the person she’s telling everyone she is? The kids want the relationship she describes and dont understand why she tells everyone how involved and wonderful she is when she isn’t.

How do others deal with people like this?

YABU - let her continue to lie she clearly needs to
YANBU - pull her up on her bullshit

OP posts:
HandScreen · 15/05/2022 08:35

Awww, leave her alone.

Spagaps · 15/05/2022 08:37

she does ask my partners permission first

So he says yes that's fine, I can see why her attitude is annoying but why doesn't he say no? If she then posts then he can pull her up on it but as far as she's aware you're both fine with it.

Shinyandnew1 · 15/05/2022 08:38

What annoys me is that when we attend events or meals out with her she is always boasting to anyone who will listen about how wonderful her grandchildren are and how they are her entire life.

how often do you attend events with her?

Her friends all believe she is the worlds best granny and keep telling my kids how lucky they are to have such a wonderful, kind, caring granny (who does that?)

how often do your kids see your MILs friends for this to be a problem?

AntarcticTern · 15/05/2022 08:40

That sounds really annoying! I wouldn't say anything as she won't change, try not to waste any headspace on it.

IncompleteSenten · 15/05/2022 08:41

Next time she's unkind to them, quote her social media bollocks.
That's no way to speak to you reason for living etc

Original poster
dottieautie · 15/05/2022 08:42

Spagaps · 15/05/2022 08:37

she does ask my partners permission first

So he says yes that's fine, I can see why her attitude is annoying but why doesn't he say no? If she then posts then he can pull her up on it but as far as she's aware you're both fine with it.

He’s scared of her. He was brought up never to question mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
dottieautie · 15/05/2022 08:45

Shinyandnew1 · 15/05/2022 08:38

What annoys me is that when we attend events or meals out with her she is always boasting to anyone who will listen about how wonderful her grandchildren are and how they are her entire life.

how often do you attend events with her?

Her friends all believe she is the worlds best granny and keep telling my kids how lucky they are to have such a wonderful, kind, caring granny (who does that?)

how often do your kids see your MILs friends for this to be a problem?

We are traipsed out one a fortnight when she has friends round for dinner and sometimes for other family events. If she doesn’t have friends for dinner we don’t tend to see her as often. She never comes to ours for dinner or for a visit.

if it was up to me I’d not go as often but my partner keeps hoping the kids seeing his mum will form some kind of bond that I don’t think she is capable of.

OP posts:
Ferngreen · 15/05/2022 08:45

I suspect that if she tells people her DGCs are everything to her and she doesn't follow that up with we went to the zoo/ out for a McDs/ on holiday together they're probably seeing through the tosh. People aren't stupid, they probably pick up from the children's behaviour that she isn't their whole world!! So I would ignore, good that the DD can see what she's like. But people are also not going to call her out or comment on it - why would they it's not their problem - so just ignore.
But I would make space for your DD to discuss the behaviour - not in a nasty way - just a 'that's how she is', and also how you don't let her attitude to you upset you as that is a great life lesson.

NZmama88 · 15/05/2022 08:46

That would drive me mad!

I don't think there's much point pulling her up on it though, it's unlikely she will change so probably not worth the aggravation.

Feel for you though, I would be seething.

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/05/2022 08:51

Buy her a trumpet for her next Christmas present. We know how much you like to blow your own trumpet Granny 😆

vdbfamily · 15/05/2022 08:53

You say your kids never see her and then say you eat with her once a fortnight. Is that not quite frequent for her to be seeing you and the kids. Does she not interact with them at all on these occasions?
My mum has always been someone who feeds us all. She was never that close or chatty one on one with her grand kids but would be very proud of the fact that she had several and would talk about them a lot to others.

PurassicJark · 15/05/2022 09:00

I would have embarrassed her in front of her friends long before now. Just so she'd bugger off and stop bothering me. You've left it too late really if the kids are older now. Although if I was your kid, I'd have started speaking up myself by now and asking gran what is it she likes doing best with me, ignoring me or picking faults? I wasnt one to stay quiet for the adults bullshit though. 😂Maybe one of yours will speak up one day too.

Original poster
dottieautie · 15/05/2022 09:02

vdbfamily · 15/05/2022 08:53

You say your kids never see her and then say you eat with her once a fortnight. Is that not quite frequent for her to be seeing you and the kids. Does she not interact with them at all on these occasions?
My mum has always been someone who feeds us all. She was never that close or chatty one on one with her grand kids but would be very proud of the fact that she had several and would talk about them a lot to others.

sorry I should have clarified, rarely sees them on their own aside from at these friends dinner events and no she doesn’t really interact with them at these events other than enforced performative hugs when telling everyone how they’re her world.

im so terribly sorry my story telling isn’t forensically precise enough for mumsnet.

OP posts:
Original poster
dottieautie · 15/05/2022 09:02

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/05/2022 08:51

Buy her a trumpet for her next Christmas present. We know how much you like to blow your own trumpet Granny 😆

Love it.

OP posts:
WhatIsThisPlease · 15/05/2022 09:02

If she doesn't see them very often presumably someone else is sending her the photos?

Stop sending her the photos.

Giraffesandbottoms · 15/05/2022 09:03

I would not allow my children to be a prop in someone’s self-serving narrative

MintyMoocow · 15/05/2022 09:07

No one of any importance is heeding a silly lady on Facebook, I would let her crack on.

Snowflakes1122 · 15/05/2022 09:07

She probably does this, because deep down she knows she isn’t a great grandparent to be honest. Smacks of insecurity, the way any humble bragging does on social media.

villamariavintrapp · 15/05/2022 09:07

You can't really make someone who isn't interested have a better relationship with your kids. Presumably she has the relationship that she wants with them already or else she'd make more effort. If the posts really annoy you, then post a reply to make yourself feel better. Something passive aggressive that makes it clear you haven't seen her for ages, or whatever. And start being busy when she summons you all!

Poppyblush · 15/05/2022 09:08

Why the f would you join a dinner with her friends?!

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 15/05/2022 09:10

can you not go to next dinner? let your dh take them?

prettytoes · 15/05/2022 09:10

My MIL is exactly the same, I just ignore it now.

A couple of years ago we had a big three generation weekend away in a child friendly hotel, arranged by PIL. In the evenings the adults ate together while all the grandkids went to the hotel kids club. During the day there was a mix of activities happening on site but PIL took themselves off in the car to explore the area. At breakfast times we all gathered at a big table, family members coming and going as it was big pre Covid buffet. It was a bank holiday weekend so many other large family groups doing similar. PIL sat a nice table for two on the opposite side of the dining room and waved. One day started chatting to the couple at the table next to them and started pointing at their grandchildren across the room and beckoning them across one by one. Was batshit but easier not to get worked up about it.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/05/2022 09:13

When it's all quiet round the dinner table at one of these events say loudly that it's such a shame you haven't seen her since the last one and the grandchildren would really love to meet up and play in between these meals

Mindymomo · 15/05/2022 09:16

If she hasn’t formed a close relationship with your DC now, I doubt she ever will. I don’t think I would go round just for her to show off to friends how great a granny she is.

BattenburgDonkey · 15/05/2022 09:21

The kids want the relationship she describes and dont understand why she tells everyone how involved and wonderful she is when she isn’t.

I accept your 13 year old may have social media and see her posts, but if your 5 year old is feeling this way it’s because of you showing them the posts or telling them about it, stop sharing this crap with your kids. She does sound very annoying, but there’s no reason for your kids to be aware she’s doing it. I’d get your DH to tell her not to put pics of the kids on social media anymore.

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