MIL making out shes the best granny in the world

[dottieautie]

My mil is forever posting pics up on social media of my children (5&13)and saying how they are her entire world and she lives for them etc, she does ask my partners permission first (although would post anyway if he said no) and she does have her account locked down but I dont like kids on social media and never share photos of them on mine and neither does my parter. The thing is, she rarely sees them, when she does she’s rude to them or generally ignores them and is never available to help out in emergencies despite boasting to us and anyone else who listens that she is always there for them.

She tells everyone she moved nearer to us to be there for the kids and to form better relationships with them, when in reality she wants us to care for her in her old age and forever change lightbulbs.

I accept this is how she is. She has no obligation to be there for my children and my children realise shes a bit of a gobshite and havent really formed bonds with her. It’s a good lesson about how different people are and how not everyone owes you something. The eldest child also recognises and doesnt like how rude she is to me but thats an entirely different issue and as an adult i can deal with that myself.

What annoys me is that when we attend events or meals out with her she is always boasting to anyone who will listen about how wonderful her grandchildren are and how they are her entire life. Her friends all believe she is the worlds best granny and keep telling my kids how lucky they are to have such a wonderful, kind, caring granny (who does that?) . The kids are purely used as a trophy to show everyone how wonderful she is and it annoys me more now that they are of an age to recognise her bullshit.

Non attendance of events isn’t really an option as its my partners mother and he loves her despite her quirks.

WIBU to say something and ask her to stop using them as trophies or to step up and be the person she’s telling everyone she is? The kids want the relationship she describes and dont understand why she tells everyone how involved and wonderful she is when she isn’t.

How do others deal with people like this?

YABU - let her continue to lie she clearly needs to
YANBU - pull her up on her bullshit

My partner sends them, not me. They’re his kids too and I cannot stop him trying to forge a relationship with his mother and kids.

You can't change her. Focus on your DH and freeing him to be an adult - have a google at FOG, Fear Obligation and Guilt.

I'd suggest a slow start by being busy for one of the dinners, then a few more, then not all of you can go, before you know it you are down to every 6 weeks and the kids aren't going every time as they are busy with their mates, especially the 13 yr old who probably would rather be anywhere else.

Presumably the photos she posts come from you or DH - just don't send as many and then slowly trail off the supply.

I'd say no more pictures on SM. End of. If she continues, don't allow her to take photos. Make an issue of it. If she has no photos to put up she won't have much in the way of lies to broadcast.

I don’t have her on my social media and we don’t show the kids, it’s my partner who shows me. I cannot dictate to him how he interacts with his mother. She declares at these dinner events for all to see how her grandchildren are her world. That is how the children pick up on it.
why on earth would I be showing a 5 year old Facebook posts 😂

My former MIL made a big show of being the world's most perfect granny. She told everyone she was helping to bring them up. She wasn't. She had them for an hour ( not really, as she always picked them up late and brought them back early) once a fortnight or so. She really wanted girl grandchildren but I had 2 boys and her daughter had 4 boys. She wasn't a nice woman but over the years the children realised for themselves. My youngest has just had a baby. His granny will never meet her great grandchild. My sons have a special name for her. It isn't flattering. Just go with the flow Op. Your MILs friends know perfectly well that most of it is bullshit. They aren't going to say anything, other than the usual pleasantries, because they don't need to care. Your children will sus her out as they grow and will make their own decisions. One of my sons invited her to his wedding purely for a quiet life. The other one didn't because he is quite happy to tell her exactly why if she asked.

If social media had been around in the mid 90s she would have done exactly the same as your MIL now. Everyone knows social media is a glossed up version of reality. Her friends have eyes. I expect many of them also have grandchildren. They will know what is real and what isn't.

My mum’s a bit like this but lives quite far away so we don’t see her regularly, and I don’t know what she tells her friends but I know it won’t be the truth! She reckons she should be really important in my kids’ lives, but takes no time to actually ever listen to them, get to know them or care about how they feel. She actually demanded when my second was little, that we “train” her to recognise granny by showing her photos so that she would greet her with joy next time she came Also always banging on about when they would be going to stay with her on their own. Well that didn’t happen because if I ever left them with her for 5 minutes she ignored them, on two occasions allowed a small toddler to get lost in a public place then whined it wasn’t her fault.

My DC have her number, like yours they know when someone is all front and doesn’t actually care - I haven’t told them what to think. Because it’s my mum it was easier for me to stand up to her and say no to her demands.

With your MIL, as your partner loves her and she’s not actually causing much harm with her lies, I wouldn’t confront her but I would not play along and certainly not expect my DC to play along. I’d be factual and calm with her and a bit “grey rock”. As a pp said, it’s a life lesson - good for them to learn about needy behaviour and bullshit, how to handle it politely when necessary and so on. And yes give them space to discuss it. I am sad for my DC that they don’t actually have a warm, responsible, caring granny and sometimes they want to talk about it. But anyway I feel your pain

YANBU. Totally irritating behaviour. Hard to tackle, though.

My partner sends them, not me. They’re his kids too and I cannot stop him trying to forge a relationship with his mother and kids

I would have 0 qualms about stopping this. She can see your children at your house or when her friends aren’t there/to spend quality time with them. It’s completely unacceptable to allow them to be trotted out like show ponies for her friends.

So they don’t see her very often, only really at these events and at these events she tells people (and them) how much she loves them and how amazing they are, yet they are upset by this? Not much different to meeting up with doting family who don’t live nearby but are nice at family events really, lovely and doting but obviously don’t give you undivided attention because there are lots of adults there. I can’t imagine it being that upsetting for kids unless they are hearing your issues with her at home.

Your DH doesn’t sound much better than her either, he sends her photos and says she can posts them, so she does and then he shows you knowing it winds you up, but refuses to stop doing so.

You can dictate how your husband interacts with his mother on the point of pictures of your children on social media, if you aren’t both ok with pictures being on the internet then you do get to dictate that. I think you need to have a word with your DH as much as your MIL.

You need to reframe the way you perceive her. You are allowing an annoying woman you see once a fortnight to wind you up to near-obsessional dislike. That dislike sounds fully justified - but it's not doing your peace of mind any good is it?

She declares at these dinner events for all to see how her grandchildren are her world.
Stop being annoyed by her ridiculousness, & start being amused.
The best medicine for you would be to laugh when she makes her next grandiose statement. Anything from full on rollicking laughter to a dismissive giggle.

Why is your DH showing you the SM pics when he must know it winds you up?
Tell him to stop, as you are sick of seeing this bullshit.
Stop attending the fortnightly dinners. You are not this woman's courtier, & she has no power to summon you. Allow the kids not to go either, if they don't want to, I imagine your 13 year old would be delighted to dob out.
You are right - you cannot interfere with whatever odd relationship your DH wants to continue cultivating with his mother. But neither can he force you to attend, or tolerate her manipulation & tosh.

In short - drop the fucking rope! She can't wind you up if you decide to stop caring. What does it matter to you if she bullshits for Britain - you are going to see a lot less of her, & when you DO see her ... you have your new-found shield & weapon - tolerant laughter at her grandiose claims.

It will shut her up far more effectively than trying to have The Conversation. Because she will never, NEVER admit to her bullshit, & will blame you for making her feel awkward if you raise her behaviour with her. What's the point of going through that hassle, when instead you have all the fun of giggling into your soup next time she does her Grandma Of The Year schtick? Believe me - her friends will pick up on it: they're probably already aware it's all hot air.

i agree with what many people are saying. You have a DP problem, but it's easier to complain about a clearly unpleasant and disinterested Mil than tell your partner to stop her posting pictures etc. Remind him your children are not performing ponies, in any case it is likely pretty soon the 13 year old will start to refuse to visit her.

Sounds like my MIL. Our DC's are 17 and 21 now and she really has no relationship with them. MIL actually called the landline a couple of weeks ago (DP's phone was in the shop for repair) and DS17 answered the phone and didn't recognise her voice at all, he actually whispered to me ''It's not my Grandma (meaning my mum) It is Dad's Mum!''....I mean, he couldn't even find the correct word for her like 'Nan' for example.

Yet on social media there are lots of posts along the lines of 'My Grandchildren are my world'. She hasn't even seen them in 3 years!

Upshot OP. You're kids will grow and know what side their bread is buttered, unfortunately your MIL won't realise until your DC's are older.

I feel sorry for your kids being paraded in front of MILS friends to make her look like super gran. She needs telling to stop bullshitting

I'd wouldn't say anything, most people can see through people like that. I'd cut your visits down though, no more than once a month and not with other friends there unless they are mutual friends.

God she sounds really really annoying. I would find it very hard to bite my tongue, especially as you say she is rude to your kids. In what way is she rude to them?

I wouldn’t fancy having dinner with my mother in law’s friends every fortnight-especially if they are so deluded that they can’t see what she’s really like!

I think the 13 y o should be being asked if he wants his photos on social media.
My teenagers would say no.

I had a (thankfully now ex),MiL like yours OP. She barely acknowledged DD's existence yet told everyone how DD was "her world". It was DD who finally showed the woman for who she really was when exMil commented on DD's fathers post after DD graduated. "I'm so proud of my darling granddaughter I always said you'd do well" to which DD replied "did you? who to because it wasn't me. In fact you've said nothing at all to me for the last 5 years, so well done on remembering that I do, actually, exist"

I'd wait for the replies from the DGC, with 'yes [other DGM name] is wonderful if the other DGM is around or the 'well she wouldn't hdelp in an emergency so she must be on about other DGC than us'. I'd have the DP use the 'monkey on my shoulder' reply 'DGC have said no more posting' and minimise the visits. If it's winding you up then you have a binary of going with the flow or making a change.

"So what have you been up to since we last saw you 2/3 weeks ago?" "Oh gosh, since we saw you 2/3 weeks ago the DC have done so many things, too many really to tell you about all in one conversation".....

There are ways to out her without going toe to toe.....

My mother did this-thankfully she hasn’t got sm
shed only bother with them if other people where looking-she wouldn’t have them in winter as she couldn’t Chuck them outside so the neighbours could see her having them
she would show off the presents she’d bought them to her friends-then return them and what they did get was crap from the charity shop
she tried to muscle in on every birthday party-I’d set up,host then clear up while she sat on her arse ignoring them,but giving the impression she was running the show
she refused to have them while I ran my ss to hospital with a broken arm,but did the whole show of going to pick him up the next day with 3 of her mates in tow
my adult ss had to have an op last year-she refused to have his dog,refused to visit unless she was with her mates and refused to help by picking up his meds or food when he asked-his mates pulled together and did it all (I live over 100 miles away-I did go down to help when I could)
She refused to help my dd when a pipe burst in the flat above hers,leaving pouring water into her flat-I had to help by telling her what to do but she made a big deal about how she’d helped to clear up the mess-she sat on her arse pointing out what needed doing until dd chucked her out

the kids don’t rely on her for anything-they know it’s all smoke and mirrors
(I’m nc with her-I used to spend my life laughing at the latest thing she’d done and what utter bollocks it all was)

Mil used to post bollocks about her sons being her world… I can’t actually remember the last time she phoned dh. My parents ask him how he is more than mil. It’s infuriating but a reminder Fb is mostly bullshit… I love posting photos of my dc and the memories that come up years later but have unfriended annoying people apart from mil because that would cause too much drama!

You married a mummy's boy. Your first mistake and your actual problem.

This. Why on earth are you and the kids spending so much of your valuable time with someone who is using you for image management? Life is too short.

Let your partner go alone and you have fun doing something else. Let you partner deal with any fall out - its not your problem..