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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

13 year old out till 22:30 at sleepover-ok or not?

79 replies

spicedemerald · 15/05/2022 08:16

Asking for advice because I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not so it would be good to have some outside perspective.

My (just) 13 year old went to a sleepover last night and was out wandering the streets until 22:30. He was with a group of 5 others of the same age.

Now, I would never let him be out that late and would definitely not allow his friends to if they were under my care but I’m not sure if I’m unreasonable or if this is actually a reasonable curfew for 13 year olds.

Sometimes I feel like I’m too strict. I’m contemplating speaking to the mum who’s house he was at but don’t want to if actually this is ok.

OP posts:

Hallyup89 · 15/05/2022 09:42

If it was an arranged event and they were being picked up then it would be absolutely fine. As they were just out in the park or wherever, then it's absolutely not fine. I'd say 9pm latest at this time of year.

SuziSecondLaw · 15/05/2022 09:42

I think it's fine in a group to have a 10.30 curfew at 13.. Especially in the summer, doesn't seem so bad.

clippety clop · 15/05/2022 09:45

Was there any adult supervision at all, ie overnight? That would be my concern too as they're so young to be out that late.

miltonj · 15/05/2022 09:45

KangarooKenny · 15/05/2022 08:20

No. Not acceptable.
When mine had sleepovers we had things for them to do, and provided food. They were never allowed out.

They were never allowed out? That seems slightly extreme. Think there's a middle ground to be found here.

Original poster

spicedemerald · 15/05/2022 09:45

Just to clarify. I wasn’t expecting him to walk back alone when I texted him--just more giving him a nudge that they should be heading back. I also realise this isn’t easy for a 13 year old to do when out with friend. The ignoring me comment was about him not replying to my text.

I’m not going to say anything to the parents-he just won’t be going there again.

OP posts:

collieresponder88 · 15/05/2022 09:46

He is a teenager. Half ten would be ok in my area but depends how safe it is and what's going on I spose. I wouldn't speak to the mum though it will be so embarrassing for your son

PinkSyCo · 15/05/2022 09:58

Although I wouldn’t allow my 13 year old to stay at the park that late in normal circumstances, I certainly would not be trying to police the friend’s parent’s rules by talking to them about your concerns, or putting my DC in an awkward position by telling him to make his friend go home. Everyone parents differently and the other parents were probably a bit more lax on order to make the sleepover more fun. Whatever the reason, all you can do is put it down to experience and not allow your DS to stay over again.

alfagirl73 · 15/05/2022 10:21

I was ready to come on and say YABU - but I was expecting the situation to be that they were out at the cinema or camping in the back garden or something like that.

I'm someone who generally thinks that kids/teens these days aren't given enough independence, however, I wouldn't be happy with them wandering around and hanging out in a park that late.

That said, I think he did the correct thing by sticking with his friends. Without knowing the friendship dynamic it is hard to say whether it would have been easy for him to suggest going back to the house or whatever, but ultimately, in the situation he was in, he did the safest thing by staying in a group with his friends.

Ducksurprise · 15/05/2022 10:22

I would probably have contacted the parents and embarrassed my son but I am like a bull in a china shop sometimes.

My children's friends have had parents like this. Turns out they just became great at hiding what they were doing.

WeAllHaveWings · 15/05/2022 10:37

I had a similar situation with ds but they were out later, and a couple of other things happened I wasnt happy about. He just never went back for a sleepover again, and the boy came to us instead. It was a bit awkward as he was invited a few times, but you just need to go with your gut sometimes.

Threeboysandadog · 15/05/2022 10:46

No, I would not be ok with this. I wouldn’t speak to the parents but he wouldn’t be going there again.

Ds3 is 15 and, if he’s just hanging out with friends, has to be home by 9pm. If he’s at the cinema or at someone’s house then I’m happy to pick him up until 11.30/MN but he doesn’t get to walk home then. He has ASD and with lockdown doesn’t have much experience of being out on his own so I’m probably being over cautious but I was similar with ds1 and ds2 and they have turned out ok.

Lindy2 · 15/05/2022 10:51

I'd be ok with 9pm ish but not 10.30pm.

Your child might be sensible but in our area the kids that are still regularly hanging out at after 10pm are those with no parental involvement or boundaries.

It only takes a moment to be caught up in someone else's incident.

It's tricky though. At 13 they need some independence and to be allowed to be with their friends but they can obviously end up in situations you would rather they weren't. I have a 13 year old too.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/05/2022 10:52

That’s not on. Too young.

KangarooKenny · 15/05/2022 12:39

miltonj · 15/05/2022 09:45

They were never allowed out? That seems slightly extreme. Think there's a middle ground to be found here.

Show quote history

No it’s not extreme. Other people’s kids were in my care, so we made sure we had stuff to entertain them.

FarmGirl78 · 15/05/2022 12:52

Might be a daft question.....but how sure are you that the other parents knew in advance of the sleep over? It could be that each boy told their parents they were staying at a different friends house. Son tells you he's staying at Jamie's house. Jamie tells his parents he's sleeping over at Ben's. Ben tells his parents he's staying at yours. They hang out in the park, then at10.30pm head back to Jamie's, who's parents are already asleep, safely thinking all the boys are sleeping at Ben's.

My parents were very strict and I wasn't really allowed out. But plenty of my friends did this exact same thing. And now we're all in our 40's they are fully aware their kids will be doing exactly the same.

For all you know @spicedemerald , in several local homes the exact same conversation could be going on with parents fuming that you have let their children out unaccompanied at 10.30 at night.

Goldencarp · 15/05/2022 12:57

No not ok. I have a 15 and a 16 year old. I wouldn’t let them do that either. Luckily neither would any of their friends parents.

Goldencarp · 15/05/2022 13:00

Threeboysandadog · 15/05/2022 10:46

No, I would not be ok with this. I wouldn’t speak to the parents but he wouldn’t be going there again.

My son is 15, he’s not autistic but 9pm is the very latest he’s allowed out in the summer if he’s not doing anything in particular. Same with my 16 year old DD. It’s not an issue as their friends have similar curfews. My dd was out last night and phoned to ask to stay out until 9pm as that’s the time all her friends had to be in.

Pugdogmom · 15/05/2022 13:28

At 13, no. In summer my kids were allowed out till 9.30pm tops, but usually 9pm. I would allow later if at a friend's house, if I knew the parents and would pick them up. Definitely not allowed to wander the streets till 10.30pm.
I note you have already updated saying that you won't be allowing your son to stay there again, which IMO is the sensible option.

Fortyseven007 · 15/05/2022 13:36

I would hate this .
My just 11 years turned girl went for the first time to a friends house, just for a few hrs just to stay in, meeting other friends from school- ended up going to local park, which is is not in a nice area and were there on their own for about an hour.
I wasn’t happy, however the mum whos house my child was supposed to be said it’s ok with her, let them all go , however she did not let her own daughter go out at the same time with them. So only 3 of them went into the park.
I did not know what to say, really, as my daughter never been out like this before. I wasn’t comfortable with this, also this was about 20 mins drive from my house.
I don’t want her to miss out but I do worry.

AmyandPhilipfan · 15/05/2022 13:57

Yesterday I accompanied my 13 year old to an activity at 6.30pm and collected him at 7.30pm. If it had been nearer our house I would have let him go there and back on his own but to get to and from this he’d have had to go through the city centre which I didn’t think was wise. Another day in the week he’s allowed to walk to a local youth club alone that starts at 7.30pm, but is collected at 9pm. There’s no way I’d allow him to be in a park at 9pm let alone 10.30pm, though it’s difficult as you and (possibly) he didn’t know about it in advance. I’d just chat to him about what might have happened (with my son my biggest concern would be him and his friends making a nuisance of themselves and being noisy, dropping rubbish etc) and not let him go to that house again.

Oblomov22 · 15/05/2022 14:13

At 13, probably 9pm. At a sleepover the boys probably needed to get out , let off some energy, have a kick about, but at that age I'd want them back by then. Just so other parents wouldn't complain.

Oblomov22 · 15/05/2022 14:18

I think you should text the mum. That you were concerned that they Were out late rather than not letting her know, that you won't be letting him go again.

The other thing is - that if they are a very nice group of young lads, going to the park is exciting and they've never had the opportunity before to be together. so to have a treat of being allowed out, nicely go to the park have a kick around and then go back for a sleepover, having never been allowed to stay out till 1030 before, on covid, it is cool. it's not the end of the world and it is very exciting. They are safer together.

I'm not sure it's that bad.

Oblomov22 · 15/05/2022 14:22

5 Other boys of the same age were out at 10:30pm. Where all 5 going to the sleepover or is it just your son at the sleepover? If it was just your son this means that there were five of a boys and their parents obviously thought it was ok.
Interesting.

2bazookas · 15/05/2022 14:36

The parents at the sleepover have very different views from mine, on what is appropriate care of a child guest. Maybe "Out on the street at 22.30" is only the tip of the iceberg; perhaps such slack standards let them leave the kids unsupervised, smoke and take drugs around them; allow kids to try drink and drugs.

My child would never visit that home again, by day or night.

Oblomov22 · 15/05/2022 14:44

@2bazookas
Oh come on. That's a giant leap of assumption onto 13 year olds getting pissed on Smirnoff and injecting heroin.

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