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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I invite her?

65 replies

Fitmumtiredmum · 14/05/2022 20:16

Our sister in law has deleted us from allsocial media and has stopped responding to any of our messages. She hasn’t met her new nephew who is 6months old and hasn’t seen her niece for a year.

She won’t tell us why. Her husband said he wants to meet up with my husband (they are brothers) to talk about it as it’s “really complicated”, long story short my husband works odd shifts and they haven’t been able to arrange a time. I don’t know why he can’t call him or text about it?

Basically, I now don’t want to go to a family friends wedding as it will be very awkward.
I am also planning our sons christening, her husband is my daughters godparent but I don’t even want to invite her along to my sons christening now. I bought Easter eggs and a Xmas present and pretended they were from them for my daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to only invite my husbands brother and not his wife to our babies christening and how would you deal with this long term?

OP posts:

littlemousebigcheese · 14/05/2022 20:21

sounds like your husband does know what happened and is using his work shifts excuse to not talk about it?! that's what immediately hit me reading this as you don't just delete family for no reason?!

IncompleteSenten · 14/05/2022 20:21

That would be a mistake.

If she doesn't want anything to do with you then she won't want to come.

By not inviting her you give her ammunition. She didn't invite me. She's horrible. She excludes me. See this is why I don't like her...

You should invite her and your husband should make the time to talk to his brother.

I would hazard a guess this is to do with children. Did this happen around the time you announced you were pregnant or after you had the baby or something?

Be civil when your paths cross. Let her be the one that looks bad, not you.

AccessibleVoid · 14/05/2022 20:22

Maybe she's having a mental health crisis or something else that doesn't really have anything to do with you? Unless you know the details there's really no way to know the right thing to do. I'd invite just to be the bigger person personally, assuming there's no other reason to dislike her. I'd be dying to know what's going on though, I'd probably go see her husband myself and try and coax it out of him!

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/05/2022 20:22

Well DH needs to meet his brother before both of these events. You haven’t done anything wrong so I definitely wouldn’t duck out of the wedding, not fair on the couple getting married and why should you feel awkward or miss out? And if you miss her out of the christening you’ll be lobbing a grenade into whatever’s happening and make things hard for your BIL. So get DH to ask what’s going on. Could they be ttc and having a hard time so avoiding babies?

HeddaGarbled · 14/05/2022 20:23

The brothers need to meet.

TheMerryWidow1 · 14/05/2022 20:24

do they have children? could it be infertility?

JustLyra · 14/05/2022 20:26

If she doesn’t want to talk to any of you then she can choose not to attend.

Dont avoid the wedding of someone you care about over someone who won’t even tell you why they’ve stopped talking to you.

Your husband should really make an effort to speak to his brother though - it may be something his sibling is in need of support with

Darbs76 · 14/05/2022 20:29

Do they live nearby? Sure your husband can find a couple of hours to meet his brother to find out what’s going on. Depending on that is your answer to the question of inviting her or not

lpoyghy · 14/05/2022 20:29

Your husband needs to meet his brother and find out what is happening. I wouldn't cut her out until you understand what is happening,

ElenaSt · 14/05/2022 20:30

She has withdrawn from seeing you which may have absolutely nothing to do with you but could be her own suffering.

Can you not write her a letter and say that you have no idea what had happened and why she had cut contact but you wish her well and if she does want to make contact, you are willing to listen?

Onlyforcake · 14/05/2022 20:37

The only problem YOU have is that something is keeping her from sharing with you and, at this point, you don't know what it is.

You feel snubbed, but that is making this about you. Whilst you don't know what is going on for her you need to reserve judgement. Carry on as per your relationship with her until you know what is happening.

donquixotedelamancha · 14/05/2022 20:41

Am I being unreasonable to only invite my husbands brother and not his wife to our babies christening

Hugely.

It's not your decision, it's a joint one.
She's done nothing bad to you and you have no idea why she's out of contact.
If you were bothered you would have met her husband to discuss it.
He isn't going to come if you snub his wife while she's already struggling so the only point to this would be to cause a massive rift between DH and his brother.

I don't understand your anger at all, have you missed something out?

Chilledchablis1 · 14/05/2022 20:44

Could there be an infertility issue ?

TheSnowyOwl · 14/05/2022 20:50

Surely you just leave the brothers to it so they can have a chat and take it from there.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 14/05/2022 20:53

Wel I think it’s a bit crap that your husband hasn’t taken the time to meet up with his brother to find out what the issue is.

I can understand why you’re reluctant to invite them though.

Aprilx · 14/05/2022 20:54

I think you would be throwing petrol onto the flames in not inviting her to your event. This is your husband’s family, he needs to talk to his brother to find out what is going on and hopefully sort it out.

HappyCup · 14/05/2022 20:57

His brother needs to talk face to face. They should prioritise time to do that.

In the meantime give her the benefit of the doubt, she could be going through anything. Be kind.

AskingforaBaskin · 14/05/2022 20:58

Your husband really can't find any time at all?
How far away do they live?

But no I wouldn't invite her. If she can't say a word to you why would you invite her to celebrate your family?

whynotwhatknot · 14/05/2022 20:58

For now invite her formally if you like but idont understand men how long does it take to pick up a phone pr pop round and see someone

you need to find out whats going on

H1Drangea · 14/05/2022 20:59

your husband needs to make the time to meet up with his brother

LetitiaLeghorn · 14/05/2022 21:04

This is obviously upsetting you so you'd think your husband would get his finger out and go and sort it before the christening. Clearly he either knows what it's about and doesn't want to tell you. Or he doesn't think it's a big deal. Either way as his brother has approached him, it's for him to sort it out. Go to the wedding and invite her to the chistening and don't make this into an even bigger deal.

ExMachinaDeus · 14/05/2022 21:18

Am I being unreasonable to only invite my husbands brother and not his wife to our babies christening and how would you deal with this long term?

YABU - because you're doing to her what she is doing to you. It just escalates things, and you don't really know what her problem is. Inviting her puts the ball in her court and takes away any sense of personal animosity on your part. It's then up to her, and she will have to take responsibility for her actions, rather than blaming you.

Your DH and his brother need to have a proper face to face conversation. It doesn't sound as though it's suitable for texting. But be prepared for your BiLaw to say things you may not like to hear. Prime your DH to listen, and not say much, and certainly not make any promises - particularly if your SiLaw is having the hump with you. Your DH should just listen, then you two can discuss it between you, to work out what you might do in response to her behaviour.

Also, is it to do with all the shit we've all been through with lockdowns ad COVID? I think we all need to be gentle with ourselves and each other over the unexpected impacts of what we've all been through in the last 2 years.

2pinkginsplease · 14/05/2022 21:25

Invite her and don't give her any ammunition against you.

Your dh needs to make an effort to meet his brother and sort this out. He must get days off.

Bigboysmademedoit · 14/05/2022 21:37

I’d issue an invite and leave it up to her. My SIL fell out with us - no reason given. Her only child married and we weren’t invited. It’s something you can’t undo , we’ll never patch it up now. Be the bigger person - she’ll probably not come anyway and you won’t be to blame.

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/05/2022 21:39

I would guess infertility.

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