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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I invite her?

65 replies

Fitmumtiredmum · 14/05/2022 20:16

Our sister in law has deleted us from allsocial media and has stopped responding to any of our messages. She hasn’t met her new nephew who is 6months old and hasn’t seen her niece for a year.

She won’t tell us why. Her husband said he wants to meet up with my husband (they are brothers) to talk about it as it’s “really complicated”, long story short my husband works odd shifts and they haven’t been able to arrange a time. I don’t know why he can’t call him or text about it?

Basically, I now don’t want to go to a family friends wedding as it will be very awkward.
I am also planning our sons christening, her husband is my daughters godparent but I don’t even want to invite her along to my sons christening now. I bought Easter eggs and a Xmas present and pretended they were from them for my daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to only invite my husbands brother and not his wife to our babies christening and how would you deal with this long term?

OP posts:
Kite22 · 14/05/2022 21:42

Agree with everyone else.
Don't avoid a wedding because of it.
Don't 'not invite her' to something.

But I would definitely ask your dh to crack on and ring his brother if he genuinely can't meet him - I find it hard to believe this hasn't been possible in 6 - 12 months though. I mean working shifts doesn't mean working 24/7.

GreenClock · 14/05/2022 21:45

It’s strange that your husband has failed to make time to sort this out.

underneaththeash · 14/05/2022 21:47

I can’t be doing with difficult people, but I think family are different.
take a step back, stop contacting her, but invite her to the christening via your BIL and go to the wedding.

Get your husband to talk to his brother too.

GarlicGnocchi · 14/05/2022 21:51

Your husband needs to talk to his brother. Even if he has to take a day off work to do it.

GarlicGnocchi · 14/05/2022 21:52

Is your social media covered with pictures of your baby?

Were you a right cow to her last time you spoke?

StageRage · 14/05/2022 21:52

Whatever is going on, there is no need, no benefit, in changing your own behaviour.

Go to the wedding. Greet her, if she swerves you shrug and talk to other people.

Invite her to the Christening. She almost certainly won’t come, so that will be nothing new, but you have carried on, business as usual.

A YEAR and your DH hasn’t had a couple of hours to talk with his brother about something ‘complex’ that is keeping family members apart?

I hope it all becomes clearer, and sorted somehow.

SomersetONeil · 14/05/2022 21:55

Why doesn’t your husband just meet up with his brother?

How strange that he won’t. Odd shifts really is not an excuse to never see your own brother.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 14/05/2022 22:00

Has your BIL been in regular contact during that time? Or has he also stepped back? Why didn’t he give any Easter eggs if it is actually he who is godfather? I think it is a bit off to invite him without SIL when surely he has been the rubbish godparent. Why is it her fault? Either invite them both or invite neither. I also would try not to judge here until you have had an explanation as it could be due to something like infertility/ pregnancy loss etc.

HeadToToesNo · 14/05/2022 22:05

You can't know what to do until your DH speaks to his brother. No shifts are that full on that he can't meet his brother for 10 minutes over 6 months.

mnahmnah · 14/05/2022 22:05

Be the bigger person. If you haven’t done anything wrong, there’s I thing for you to be sheepish about. So head up, set the example for grown up behaviour and invite them both. If they don’t come, that’s their problem. You did the right thing.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 14/05/2022 22:14

I would be truly concerned if my db called and said that. I cannot imagine not prioritising that conversation and making time for my db. It suggests it’s not personal but perhaps something db needs support with imo.

Tiredmummy123456 · 14/05/2022 22:18

I think it would be a mistake not to invite her. There could be a number of things going on that you don't know about. Don't add fuel to a fire.

She may respectfully decline your invitation (and it sounds from your post that this is highly likely) but the invitation alone would be a nice gesture and would remove you from any drama

Seperation from part of a family is often an emotive and difficult decision, and should not be underestimated. Try not to make assumptions. Just try to treat people how you would wish to be treated, and I think you wont go far wrong.

On another note, she may have closed her social media, as opposed to blocking people....some people need to take a complete step back sometimes.

Peoniesandcream · 14/05/2022 22:18

I would send her a text and ask outright. No point trying to guess if you haven't argued or done anything wrong. Infertility doesn't give you an excuse to act like this either.

HappilyHadesBound · 14/05/2022 22:30

I wouldn't be surprised if it were fertility issues. I had the same thing with my ex-SIL. They were so nasty about it, that even after I'd had a very traumatic miscarriage- which they knew about- when they next knew I was pregnant she said she hoped I'd lose that one too because it wasn't fair I could get pregnant and she couldn't... what she didn't know was that I'd already lost another.

SomersetONeil · 14/05/2022 22:31

Honestly OP I don’t know what you expect people to say.

Just get your husband to meet up with his brother.

Nanny0gg · 14/05/2022 22:59

Why hasn't your husband made the time to meet his brother?

watchingrnfire · 14/05/2022 23:07

Seems like she won't come even if you do invite her. So just invite both of them, why give her a reason by purposely excluding her which will then mean her husband won't turn up either.

Tell your dh to call his brother n speak if they can't arrange a date

PurpleDaisies · 14/05/2022 23:07

Not inviting her will just make it more awkward, not less.

HollowTalk · 14/05/2022 23:27

The two men clearly need a conversation. It sounds like your brother-in-law wants that and your husband keeps putting it off. Until that happens this won't be resolved.

Kite22 · 14/05/2022 23:31

NeedAHoliday2021 · 14/05/2022 22:14

I would be truly concerned if my db called and said that. I cannot imagine not prioritising that conversation and making time for my db. It suggests it’s not personal but perhaps something db needs support with imo.

This 100%

I'm not especially close to either of my siblings, but if I had a message like that, I would totally prioritise making time to see them.

Mrsteapot42 · 14/05/2022 23:40

I'm someone who wouldn't notice if someone wasn't following me on social media. I also don't understand why you needed to pretend to buy a present off them for your kids. You've immediately jumped to the conclusion of not inviting her. All makes you sound a bit of a drama llama.

She could have left your BIL for all you know.

Mellowyellow222 · 14/05/2022 23:42

She is behaving badly. There might be a good reason, there might not. It doesn’t sound like it is anything you have done or said.

stay calm, take the high road, keep inviting her to things.

unless they divorce, she will alway be in your family. Best to keep things as civil as possible

threecupsofteaminimum · 15/05/2022 00:14

I think the penny's dropped re, the OP non return.

I thought the exact same thing, she could have mc'd or other fertility related stuff going on.

Jurassicparkinajug · 15/05/2022 06:45

I agree with what the others have said, your dh needs to prioritise that meeting now before the wedding and stop making excuses. You have no idea what's happened, one of you may have said something very offensive unknowingly or it might be mental health issues and they need your support. Don't avoid them or not invite them as this could fuel things and cause an even bigger risk. Make the effort to find out what it is first. You can always find time for something important like this. Do it straight away.

redfairy · 15/05/2022 06:55

Do you want to make things better or worse? What will not inviting her to the Christening acheive towards that? And get those brothers talking.

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