Should I invite her?

[Fitmumtiredmum]

Our sister in law has deleted us from allsocial media and has stopped responding to any of our messages. She hasn’t met her new nephew who is 6months old and hasn’t seen her niece for a year.

She won’t tell us why. Her husband said he wants to meet up with my husband (they are brothers) to talk about it as it’s “really complicated”, long story short my husband works odd shifts and they haven’t been able to arrange a time. I don’t know why he can’t call him or text about it?

Basically, I now don’t want to go to a family friends wedding as it will be very awkward.
I am also planning our sons christening, her husband is my daughters godparent but I don’t even want to invite her along to my sons christening now. I bought Easter eggs and a Xmas present and pretended they were from them for my daughter.

Am I being unreasonable to only invite my husbands brother and not his wife to our babies christening and how would you deal with this long term?

Agree about being the bigger person, but not sure about inviting her to things as if nothing’s happened when she’s blocked/ignored you without explanation. When we treat other people as if they don’t exist or don’t matter, whatever our reasons, there are consequences. However try to find the course of action least painful to you. It’s a shame your DH and his brother haven’t found time for that conversation.

Your husband could put a bit more effort in to meet up- the shift work is an excuse. Not a reason. There is something obviously up, your husband needs to prioritise finding out, then you'll know what the deal is at family events.

The obvious answer to this is as others have already pointed out, she's struggling with infertility and she doesn't want to be around you because of the DCs. It could be something else, but that jumps out at me. If this is the case, it's completely understandable and you do need to be sensitive and tolerant of however long it takes her. No confrontation.

Are you the types to post everything on Facebook, loads of baby photos and updates? If so, that would explain why she's deleted you.

Your husband needs to go and see his brother. Don't exclude her.

I too would suggest they’re having fertility struggles.

I have recently been through fertility struggles (currently pregnant thankfully), but I can tell you that it has been the toughest experience I’ve ever been through.

I acted similarly to your SIL. I came off social media to avoid seeing pictures of babies as it was so painful. I removed WhatsApp so I could stop getting hundreds of pictures or invites to multiple baby showers. I also avoided much contact with my friends or family, because I was having hospital treatment and I was in mental survival mode. I begged my husband not to tell anyone as when I did see people I didn’t want them to constantly talk about it and I certainly didn’t want to hear their unsolicited advice, ‘Have you tried…’
Some people might not understand that way of coping but equally I’m trying to point out that for others it’s the only way to survive - to focus on your own journey, avoid triggers and keep waking up each day. Some people might also read my message and think it’s selfish to not allow my husband to talk to anyone but I did say to him multiple times that if he was struggling then he could. However, it is different for the woman as it’s her body. My husband just went off to work, socialised on the weekend, not much in his routine life changed. Whereas I had to have appointments, time in hospital etc. so please consider why your SIL is so absent and only your BIL is talking.

We recently told our friends and families about our pregnancy and I explained the journey we had been on and apologised for missing out on events. Thankfully no one was annoyed at us and they all understood that I made the decisions for my mental health.

Some are suggesting that your husband talks to your BIL - I think this should be done without pressure, ensure that they know you are both there and no matter what they’re going through, you’ll both still be there for both of them.

As for the events, I think you should attend the wedding - the SIL will most likely cancel. The christening - again she will most likely cancel.

Your husband and his brother need to meet before deciding the

Thank you everyone, we do live an hours drive away from them and both the brothers work completely opposite times but I agree a phone call should have happened. It’s his brother who won’t call and is adamant they meet to discuss it.

SIL already has a son of her own (he’s 13) from a previous relationship and they have said they have never wanted another child together. She has 2 French bull dogs and sadly lost one a couple of months ago. We sent a condolence card at the time and I text her, she did reply to that message.

One thing happened is that SIL has also been stirring things with my husbands daughters mum. Which is really odd as they have only ever met once! Husbands daughter lives a 5hr drive away. SIL told her that we are going on holiday and sent her a screenshot of my fb post looking for recommendations, and so she is now wanting more cms money. Again, we messaged her about this (not in an argumentative way) and she just ignored it.

I think inviting her is probably the best thing to do

In light of your latest update I would not invite SIL (and by extension BIL most likely as well). She's blocked you, won't respond to any communication, and seems to be deliberately causing trouble with extended family members. If someone is so determined to cut all contact with you, them like hell would I keep trying to invite them to things, or maintain a relationship.

If BIL is so determined to have a discussion, then he needs to facilitate it, by either phoning his brother or rearranging his (work) schedule to meet his brother. IMO your DH doesn't have to go out of his way to do anything as he's not the one causing the problem.

So she has replied to you recently.

Look, most of us said your DH needs to make the effort to MEET his brother. They can meet half way. Meet for breakfast. In the middle of the night on a Sunday, or whatever. It would be really unfair to start ‘retaliating’ by not inviting her to things before you know what is going on.

Was she close with your DH’s ex?

No she only met his daughters mum once years ago but does follow her on social media.

She’s distanced herself for about a year, never comes over it’s always just her husband when we do arrange a meet up. The only message she responded to was about her dog that died a couple of months ago. It was after this that she randomly deleted us both from social media.

We’ve never had a fall out or bad words in the 9years we have known each other and always got on well. She was miserable at our wedding in Aug 2020 and ended up leaving early. We bought her a lovely gift for her 40th last year but didn’t get invited to celebrate it with them when others did.

If she's screenshotting your socials to
Your dh ex partner. I would immediately block sil so she ain't able to see any of your posts and can't stir anything

You want to punish her but don’t know that she is gone no contact out of spite or if something is wrong.

I think it would be really rude to not at least put her name on the invite even if you know that she won’t come.

Ring the brother and straight up ask him on the phone why she blocked you.

I would not invite her, she clearly doesn't want anything to do with you so don't waste your time on her. Don't chase people

Wait for the husbands to meet and find out the full story. Then make your decision. Only way - could be anything.

seems a very odd thing to contact his ex and stir things-idont see how going on holiday shoudl equate to paying more cms unless hes underpaying