AIBU to feel like a failed feminist? (Re division of work/childcare/housework)

[HelpIHaveNothingToWear]

I work part-time (school hours) in a good career for which I trained a long time. I enjoy my job and have good promotion opportunities (though it will take longer due to being PT, and sometimes I worry that I’m not taking seriously because I work PT).

My husband works FT 9.30-6.30. When he’s at home he’s very hands on. However, because of our hours I do all the after school childcare, cooking and a lot more of the house work (we have 3 kids at primary school). Some afternoons are nice (a play in the park after school) but many afternoons I spent doing cooking/housework/taking kids to clubs. I’ve never been resentful before but it’s starting to grate on me that my husband gets the more “fun” aspects of family life (eg days out on the weekend) when I’m doing a lot of the mundane crap during the week.

I could technically increase my hours and go full time, but I don’t like the idea of my kids spending every afternoon in wrap around care (there’s nothing wrong with that but I was that kid and hated it). I also do a lot of life admin in the afternoons and if I worked FT we would have to do this on the weekend. In an ideal world my husband and I would both work PT but that’s not possible for him in his industry.

It’s starting to bug me that we lack this balance and equality in our marriage and I’m almost annoyed with myself (from a feminist perspective) for being in this position in this day and age. Other days I’m grateful to have a well-paid intellectually stimulating job that I can do PT.

Does anyone relate to this? If so what changes did you make to your life or how did you come to terms with it?

YABU: Shove your tiny violin up your ass and suck it up, bitch.
YANBU: I know how you feel and it’s tough.

OP surely your husband and can work from home a couple of days a week?

Following the pandemic this list be possible, and then he could do dinner / bedtime those nights.

can you move bedtime later a bit (I’m amazed by people who say ‘the kids go to bed at X time like it’s school drop off. Doesn’t it vary by at least 30 mins anyway? If not are your kids v young? As it’ll spread out soon enough).

anyway. I agree working is easier. Does it have to be school hours OR full time? I do 4 days a week and it works great. I enjoy the after school stuff the one day I do it.

have you explored finding someone to do pick up rather than after school clubs? We had a nanny for the four full days I worked when our were little. She now does after school hours. She cooks our family meal the days she’s here, does homework and after school activities. It’s great for the kids.

On thé emotional side. Yes I do more. Part of this is an active and positive choice for me. I’m a better / more emotionally available parent than my DH.

but I’m starting to consider how much admin I’m responsible for and what of that DH can step up to and we can teach DC to contribute to.

jist being unavailable really helps. I’ve had to travel for work recently and DH is much better at ‘seeing’ things and planning ahead once he’s had to do everything for a few days.

I'm always a bit sceptical about the idea that feminism is about allowing women to choose whether or not to undertake paid work. Seems a bit self indulgent to me. I'd prefer to strive for equality for men and women

IMHO, every SAHM with a DH who has a "big job" is making it harder for other women to work in those "big jobs". We won't have equality until senior male staff are collecting children from school, instead of assuming it's women's work

OP - your biggest issue is not all the housework stuff and mental load. You are a lower earner, have a much lower pension (unless your DH tops it up) and are in a lower paid job to support your DH management role where he can’t possibly reduce his hours. In the long term your earnings and earning potential will be much lower than his.

I understand. My husband outearns me by almost 4 times, because I have decided to retrain after being made redundant a week before the pandemic and because I work 3 days a week.

It does suit us, though. DS enjoys nursery but doesn't want to go any more than the 3 days he does. DH working FT pays for a lot of fun stuff for us to do on my days off - holidays, cinema passes, NT passes, Longleat passes, plus mortgage overpayments so we can clear it by 50. In return I do 80% of housework.

The main reason neither of us is resentful is equal weekend leisure time and joint access to the cash.

Should probably mention I'll be going near-as full time in 2023. I wouldn't do part time any longer than 3 years.

My position is very similar to yours, op.

I think it’s helpful to identify what’s bothering you most- is it the career sacrifice you’ve made or the amount of non-work things you have to do? Because the solutions are slightly different.

ps I don’t think you’re a failed feminist at all. I think mainstream feminism has yet to deal very well with motherhood and the choices and compromises women have to make- some of which are imposed by society but not all. I think it has historically undervalued domestic labour and that (certainly for women of my era) set up an expectation of “having it all” which was fairly quickly revealed to mean “doing it all”.

Many families settle like this .I am a sahm too .it's hard to juggle. When you finish work you need time to decompress .I don't think you are a failed feminist at all.just a realist! Most men still do ft and like you it's hard to change in a patricharal society like ours .maybe just cut corners here and there.if dh helps at weekends then maybe he can hoover then. Put washing in drier to save time. Quick meals when working and so on

Sounds like you’ve got a good balance. You could work FT but you don’t want to for a benefit that you’ve chosen as priority. You sound hard to please, if you want brutal
honesty!

I am a mother to 2 primary school age kids and am in the relatively unusual position of being the main earner. I work full time in government. My husband (who was a SAHP for a while when the children were younger) works for himself earning a hell of a lot less than me in a job which is totally flexible around the children (he does all school pick. To be honest this situation was more accident than design but I realise now that it has led to more equality in terms of various household stuff than many of my friends. Most of my friends are in a more similar situation to the OP, and do pretty much all the weekday cooking, all laundry, most cleaning plus of course much more childcare during the week. They also sort all arrangements for paid childcare / with grandparents. My husband does much more childcare during the week than me and pretty much all the cooking (largely because he's far better at it than me, he used to be a chef), but in other ways things are more equal. Unlike my friends FT working husband's I do almost all the laundry and most life admin while cleaning is fairly evenly split. Just realised this may sound like I'm some sort of saint, didn't mean in that way at all - more reflecting that i do more home stuff than many full time working dads. I think it would help with the balance of things a bit if the OP's DH did some more household jobs, like laundry. Other friends of mine have got a bit of movement on this by simply not doing it themselves for a while so their DH had to.

I think it's because you never have any down time in the week as you are working school hours. I would much rather do two or three days if it were an option and use wraparound care on those days. That would give you time to do life admin on the days off from work and also take time out for yourself. I don't think it is ltb territory as you said he pitches in as soon as he gets in. It's just by then you've done it all and that's largely down to your working pattern. You can make your life easier though the kids could do after school clubs than than being ferried to other activities and you could limit them to one extra curricular each. I'd offload things like doing the shopping and meal planning, ask your oh to batch cook at the weekend so meals can be prepped by you quickly in the week. If you can't or won't change your hours consider a cleaner once a week or even fortnight so your weekends can be centred around family time.

I have 3 kids too, I'm going back working two full days (Tuesday, Saturday) and my dh is compressing his hours to do a 4 day week. I'm still on mat leave so don't know how well it will work practically but my dh's industry is more flexible than mine.