AIBU to feel like a failed feminist? (Re division of work/childcare/housework)

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I work part-time (school hours) in a good career for which I trained a long time. I enjoy my job and have good promotion opportunities (though it will take longer due to being PT, and sometimes I worry that I’m not taking seriously because I work PT).

My husband works FT 9.30-6.30. When he’s at home he’s very hands on. However, because of our hours I do all the after school childcare, cooking and a lot more of the house work (we have 3 kids at primary school). Some afternoons are nice (a play in the park after school) but many afternoons I spent doing cooking/housework/taking kids to clubs. I’ve never been resentful before but it’s starting to grate on me that my husband gets the more “fun” aspects of family life (eg days out on the weekend) when I’m doing a lot of the mundane crap during the week.

I could technically increase my hours and go full time, but I don’t like the idea of my kids spending every afternoon in wrap around care (there’s nothing wrong with that but I was that kid and hated it). I also do a lot of life admin in the afternoons and if I worked FT we would have to do this on the weekend. In an ideal world my husband and I would both work PT but that’s not possible for him in his industry.

It’s starting to bug me that we lack this balance and equality in our marriage and I’m almost annoyed with myself (from a feminist perspective) for being in this position in this day and age. Other days I’m grateful to have a well-paid intellectually stimulating job that I can do PT.

Does anyone relate to this? If so what changes did you make to your life or how did you come to terms with it?

YABU: Shove your tiny violin up your ass and suck it up, bitch.
YANBU: I know how you feel and it’s tough.

In an ideal world my husband and I would both work PT but that’s not possible for him in his industry.

Can you expand on this? Why is it not possible for a M-F 9.30-6.30 job not to flex at all?

When he’s at home he’s very hands on. However, because of our hours I do all the after school childcare, cooking and a lot more of the house work (we have 3 kids at primary school).

Do you also do all the cooking at the weekend? You mention weekends being more carefree/fun times for him - are you also shouldering a bit too much of the stuff then?

I don't think it is inherently anti-feminist to structure your life the way you have chosen to, because feminism is fundamentally about a woman's right to choose how her own life works.

You've said in your post that you could do things differently but for various reasons you choose not to.

It would be anti-feminist if you said "I'm not happy with the way my life is but I can't change is because this is what women are supposed to do."

You should really think about FT...
As a foreigner I'm really surprised re kids not being in wrap around care / being left home alone till parents come home from work when older, that's fully the reality where I'm from (and has been since women got equal rights, communism etc.).

OP,

This has been the life experience of so many of my friends over the years.

Part time work and basically mental afternoons.

The imbalance is real.

You have a job/busy parenting/running around/mental load/ admin.

You need to sit down and have a rethink.

My friend was in hospital for a week and her husband did her week, part time work and all the afternoon stuff.

Total eye opener.

You need to sit down and look at the load.

You should have a cleaner and if you don't, why not.

Could he prep a dinner or two mid week after work, take over food shopping.

Deal with the resentment, it only gets larger.

@NoSquirrels yeah good question. The reason is he manages a large team of people (all FT) and they have meetings all the time and work towards tight deadlines. He tried working .8 PT before, but he still gets assigned the same projects and deadlines so is essentially having to do a 5 day job in 4 days, often relying to emails and having to stay late etc which had a massive effect on his well-being, did not benefit the family and he earnt less! So he’s gone back to FT. I know it sound ridiculous but that’s what it’s like in his industry. In my job, it’s very different. I get assigned fewer projects and jobs because I am part time.

If he's at work for those hours, how on earth is he expected to do anything else in that time. You are making this complicated and unnecessary to yourself, you are simply doing stuff that needs to be done just like any other parent who is available to do it??

Our division of labour is definitely skewed significantly towards me doing most of the domestic work (and working part time) and my husband working full time but doing less housework etc. It works for us and we are both happy with things as they are so not an issue. It sounds however as if this is not working for you and causing resentment so it needs to change, either by you going full time or your husband doing more outwith his work hours to readdress the balance.

@NoSquirrels weekends are very fairly divided with equal leisure time (also for me!) and childcare etc.

@billy1966 your post hits the nail on the head. That’s me basically! I’ve never been resentful before but I can start to feel it creeping in now. I also don’t think my husband realises how full on my days are. I’ve worked FT before in challenging jobs and it’s a walk in the park compared to the PT/childcare schedule I’m on now. I feel like it’s creating a distance between us.

The reality is my husband is very hands on when he’s here but he’s not here very much! (Home at 7 which is when we put the kids to bed, which he does do as wel if he’s home in time).

@Mally100 i cross posted with you but you are totally correct! It’s not his fault! I guess the resentment perhaps stems from the fact I think my PT/childcare schedule is a lot more exhausting than his FT schedule (I’ve worked FT before!). Maybe I’m wrong about that though…

I dont think you should feel like a failed feminist. We still live in a patriachy, thats why feminism exists. All our choices are within that system. My DH met huge resistence trying to flex his hours and ended up bullied at work for it - there was a real expectation that he had a wife to do childcare.

In terms of your life, your children arent you - they might like wrap around care, even if you did it for two evenings you would get a bit of time to yourself.

He isn't off on a jolly while he's at work from 3pm - 6.30pm, he's working. As are you, albeit in an unpaid and undervalued (by society) capacity.

Is he fair with finances? Is everything shared? He wouldn't be able to network and people manage until 6.30pm without paying for childcare if you weren't around - you are contributing hugely to the team but it does need to feel like a team to prevent the resentment setting in.

I suppose the options are increase your hours at (paid, outside the home) work and outsource some of the family stuff, DH reduce his hours to find parity (which didn't work for your family) or find a way to feel more valued by DH - sadly you won't change society to value parenting above WOH.

Just because he works full time doesn't mean that he can't do any of the other life stuff. Before he had kids I presume he worked full time and he had to cook, clean, do life admin right?

I would look at everything you do and sit down with your husband and say that you want him to pick up some of the stuff that needs doing so you can spend more time doing fun stuff with the kids, and so you're not the only one doing all the mundane stuff.

Look at what jobs you each prefer and then divide them. Eg you cook but he has to clear up and clean. Or you shop but he cooks. He washes the clothes but you fold and put away. You write a shopping list and he does the shopping. He's in charge of energy bills, you're in charge of holidays. You're in charge of the school admin, he's in charge of the doctors. You tidy and he can follow behind cleaning/hoovering. Gardening you all do it as a family. Ditto car washing. One does the kids bath and bed whilst the other cleans the bathrooms and gets the clothes and packed lunch ready for the next morning. Or whatever.

The problem with 1 person having to do it all is that it is a hamster wheel. It is relentless and massive juggle. It is hard to relax because you can always see stuff that needs doing. If you know that certain things aren't your responsibility.

And if he has never done it, he won't understand just how much is involved. So look after the kids and do some of the housework/life admin whilst he's working and then you work together as a team. It'll be much better and easier.

I was always a staunch believer in my career and working and in order to be a feminist I needed to be financially independent and not slip into stereotypical roles. Then dc came and im sahp- 100% by choice. But now when I feel the way you do I lament more for dh. That in our society I can make this choice or put the kids in full time care and he can't. We also missed out on paid paternity for him. So I'm grateful that things are moving forward and in the future my boys might have the same choices I have, and as a result their wives (?) will have a wider variety of choices too.

I mean don't get me wrong, it's not all upside and I don't always think that I've the better end of the deal but on aggregate it's my choice and one I made. I do know that not every sahp has made this choice some have had to out of financial necessity and some have out of a patriarchal society. But I know that I've a third level education, I had a good career, a supportive husband and financial security so it was a choice for me.

If you don’t already have a cleaner, please consider it - it helps so much with keeping on top of things. I feel so much lighter on days we get back and the cleaner has been. She’s wonderful.

I’m afraid I do what you would like to be able to do - my DH and I are both slightly part time. It really helps. I do appreciate yours has tried it though. Re the life admin - can you talk with him and just transfer a few things over to him? It’s entirely possible to manage some online parts of life admin during the working day or around it - or at weekends.

But it all sucks a lot more if you don’t feel appreciated. That’s probably the main focus point for you.

Perhaps if your happy with your life then you should let go of being a feminist if that’s what’s causing you the unhappiness. It’s impossible to have it all. The modern way of career and primary caregiver is very hard and the two parent dividing career and main childcare evenly takes so much work and organising and almost always leads to conflict when there are differing ideas on how to raise the kids. That’s what breaks many a marriage that should be happy.

We need to face it, division of labour between one person doing most of the work and the other most of the childcare works - that’s why it’s been around so long and stood the test of time. That may not be popular here but I doubt the way we currently expect to both have careers and raise kids equally will last the next thousand years.

Now that could be the typical dad work and mum raise kids at home - but it could also be mum work and dad at home. Although even though it’s not PC I think the amount of men cut out for that is limited and I don’t think that will change. It’s just how they are naturally. And maybe the amount of women who look for that isn’t so high either.

Sorry I wrote that purely from the "failed feminist" POV. On a more practical note can you either drop hours or outsource more? When I had dc3 I handed over all shopping and meal planning. I had a freezer full to make life easier so there wasn't much cooking but all the lunch shopping and essentials was down to him.

Thats not really "equal rights" is it?

Training a human to function well in society was "women's work". As was the work of keeping a household fed and sleeping on clean sheets. As women's work it was not given a high value status. In order to have both parents and all other adult family members work child training is by default a low paid / high volume transaction. Which sex end up in low paid employment training children and washing the bedsheets?

OP if it works for you, it works. Daily food prep etc is probably easier for you as it fits around the childrens schedule. I think that there are tasks like washing and cleaning floors that DH could do at night but in pratical terms doing them during the day may work out better. Depending on the childrens ages I would suggest that one weekend morning is big clean up day when everybody works on some household task together. If nothing else it will help the children to learn how to be tidy.

This is the nub of it, though.

When your DH went part-time to 0.8, he also felt very stressed out by working and parenting. It had a detrimental effect on his well-being.That’s because it’s harder.

I know you‘ve said that’s because of his industry, but really it’s because a) he found it hard to be part-time and didn’t push back on expectations and b) you prioritised as a family his well-being and the DC’s well-being over your own.

Working PT is hard on you. It’s not hard on the other members of the family.

I mean I’d like to work part time and not do any housework but it seems a reasonable division of labour that if you are working fewer hours in paid employment, you would take on more of the domestic work. If your DH is pulling his weight when he’s not at his paid job then it sounds on the face of it like you’re both making equitable contributions. If he’s not then you need to have a conversation about how he can do more.

We’ve had times when I’ve been on mat leave and DH has worked full time, and when I’ve worked and DH has been a SAHD. Each had challenges and benefits. And for us too I think it would be best if we both worked part time but it’s currently not feasible due to the nature of our jobs (I’ll spare you the feminist rant there!). The things we’ve found most helpful is to hire a cleaner and to ensure each of us gets some alone time/down time on a weekend.

You are not a failed feminist Op , your DH is.

I think your DH is being a bit of a failed feminist if he's insisting he can't possibly go part time. Both working full time is hard with young kids - and in my view is devaluing the importance of all the parenting and childcare that needs doing. You say you'd be keen on a fairer split of PT/ft and childcare so you're not the barrier to this are you? But you've married a man who's either gone into an industry where being a parent with responsibilities isn't possible or (more likely) he isn't willing to take a stand for part time working and request a change.

YANBU.

Do you have funds to hire a mothers help a couple of afternoons a week? They could do meal prep for the week and help with house work?

I know this solution may just shift the feminism issue onto another female in low paid work... but it may help reduce the burden and resentment.

How old are your children?

How long till it gets easier with them? Not so quite 'hands on'?

From a 'life admin' (ugh) pov. any streamlining there?

The OP said they'd tried it and both agreed it didn't work