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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed with this woman

121 replies

saltire · 11/01/2008 17:20

Having a small party for DS2, 5 friends invited, plus DS1 and 2. One of the boys invited turns up with his brother (same age as Ds1) and says "mymum says I ahve to stay here and wait for my brother, then take him home". When i said the party was for Ds2 and his friends he said "Yes but she's a single parent". I don't see what that has to do with it
So now have 1 extra child in teh house, ahve got no extra food, no extra party bags (iknow I know) stuff for him and am really Pi$$ed off with this parent for doing this

OP posts:

exbatt · 12/01/2008 10:49

I can't believe some of the responses Saltire got. She was not being unreasonable in the slightest. If your child is not invited to a party, they don't go. They just don't. Especially if the woman didn't even have the courtesy to ask Saltire herself - instead she put both the child and Saltire in an awkward position. Saltire was left responsible for a 9 year old child she didn't know and wasn't expecting. That's just not on, particularly when it's someone else's home you're sending your uninvited child to.

I've never experienced this, so I'm flabbergasted it seems to happen so often. I've never known anyone rude enough to do that, whether they're single parents or have six children or whatever. One of my friends has no transport so if her eldest child gets invited to a soft play centre she has been known to walk her two children over there and stay while the party is on - but she pays for the younger child to go in and buys any food he needs, and they don't interfere with the party at all. And if the older child is invited to a party at someone's house, she drops him off there and then goes off and entertains youngest child somewhere else - not always an easy task but not a huge problem either.

I'm with Saltire on this one.

miobombino · 12/01/2008 10:55

Rude mother and i feel sorry for the boy. Haven't had time to read ALL the posts, so don't know if we've been told how old he was.

But ime I ALWAYS overcater so that a few extra won't matter. i see though it was a very small party though, so a difference there.

I now have 4 dcs, but when I had ds1 - turning 4 - and 2yo ds2, the mother of one of ds1's friends asked if she could leave her 15m old dd with ds1's friend at the party !! At least she asked me because my answer was a big fat NO...the party was at a venue where the children were outside some of the time, and we had about 20 3-4 year olds there plus my 2yo. Cheeky request. How she thought I'd manage a just-walking baby who didn't know me, on top of the party, I have no idea !

bookwormmum · 12/01/2008 11:05

I had an extra child at my dd's birthday party in June and we made him up a party bag, sat him at the table with all the other girls (it was a girls-only Princess party) and he joined in the games quite happily - he's the little brother of one her friends.

It was actually his Mum who tried to stop him joining in - I was quite happy he was there. One more child isn't really that much of a bother surely??!

Buda · 12/01/2008 11:12

I think it is the rudeness of just doing it without asking that is the issue. And the boy had obv been primed to reply that his mum was a single parent. I am sure that if the mum had phoned up and asked could her older DS come too then Saltire wouldn't have had an issue with it.

But Saltire - it happens. It may be rude but in the world of kids' parties there is a lot of rudeness - non-replies and then turning up, acceptance and then not turning up and the uninvited guest!

I always let people know that siblings are welcome - and if I know they are coming I do party bags for them too. Nothing fancy just the basic bag and a few mini choc bars and a little toy and balloon. Always have a spare few.

Freckle · 12/01/2008 11:13

I think the difference there, bookwormmum, is that the child's mother was there. In most of these other instances, the mother has just left the extra child or sent him/her along without consulting the hostess.

I do think it is a matter of common courtesy to check with the host first and it is the lack of this which angers people.

bookwormmum · 12/01/2008 11:15

Having skimmed the rest of the thread, I must admit the cheek of some people amazes me - I'm a single parent and bend over backwards to ensure my dd is treated no differently. I cringed when a friend of mine offered to pay for my dd to attend a children's play in the local library a few years ago when I was in between jobs. Had I not been able to afford £2 I wouldn't have taken her.

I feel sorry for this brother and his sibling though. The bad behaviour at the party was probably a mixture of boredom and frustration at being obliged to attend .

ScruffyTeddy · 12/01/2008 11:22

Not unreasonable to be miffed.

Im a single parent and I wouldn't dream of doing that, incredibly rude. Being a single parent is no excuse!

I cant actually think of any circumstances where I would need both kids to attend to make it possible for one to, but if that was the case she should have called you and asked first.

Original poster

saltire · 12/01/2008 12:17

Well we fed the child. DS2 wanted Burger Kings for food - so shoot me now- and we got this child a whopper meal or whatever it's called. I gave him a bit of cake and a small bag of sweets inside his brothers party bag, although he did ask why he didn't have one of his own.
The reason I posted was because I was so annoyed that the mother
A) didn't notify me that her child was coming, he finally arrived 20 minutes late, after we had all assumed he wasn't
B) The fact that she assumed her older child could just turn up and stay also annoyed me.
Her lack of manners annoyed me, and the assumption that she could send her other child, who wasn't know by either DH or myself for us to look after so she could go out with her mates

OP posts:

Janos · 12/01/2008 13:42

Saltire I'm also a single parent and wouldn't dream of behaving like this so YANBU.

warthog · 12/01/2008 19:36

yanbu! she had the opportunity, just didn't bother.

agnesnitt · 12/01/2008 23:17

Good grief, some people are cheeky! The only way I'd ever have my two together at a party that only one has been invited to is if I'm staying to help out or supervise as my son is only five months and my daughter is a shade too young to be left.

Agnes

squimlet · 13/01/2008 07:58

take it in your stride. it wouldnt bother me tbh. Give the boy a choccy biscuit and go with the flow

Elasticwoman · 14/01/2008 17:24

I am amazed by the number of people who don't mind having uninvited guests in their homes. Why bother inviting any one? Why not just put a notice up in your child's classroom saying "having a party Tuesday after school, every one welcome"?

Also, the OP is not asking for advice on what to do about it. She is asking for comments on the behaviour of the parents of the uninvited child, not her own behaviour.

OrmIrian · 14/01/2008 17:28

How old is the older brother? If he's old enough to take responsiblity for the little one I'm sure he's too old for party bags. Bung him some food and don't worry.

I think it's quite sweet that he's being responsible.

OrmIrian · 14/01/2008 17:29

She should have checked it was OK first though.

Cam · 14/01/2008 17:29

Saltire yanbu.

What if all the invited children brought their uninvited siblings along, your numbers could double or triple

tyaca · 14/01/2008 17:48

this is one of those ones that's hard to call. it sounds like she doesnt know you well enough to assume it'd be ok. saying that, as you can see, loads of others wouldnt have minded - so from her POV, she prob not being as unreasonable as you feel

hifi · 14/01/2008 18:51

i havent read all responses but agree with some, whats the big deal? i am constantly embarassed by brits and how stingy we all are percieved. any party i have been to there is always food left over and you can feed a few more. quite depressing really when it comes to a childs party, its not a wedding ffs.

ScruffyTeddy · 14/01/2008 19:12

How about though, if I posted this in Lone Parents:

Title: Ive seen an opportunity to get some me time at long last!!

One of my dcs is invited to a party tonight so im going to drop him off with his elder brother. Only one of them has been invited and I havent asked the mum, but its fine isnt it? Im off to the pub then for a bit .

Surely noone here would think that's ok?

jellyhead · 14/01/2008 19:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScruffyTeddy · 14/01/2008 19:39

Proper parties (by that I mean parties at some venue) are the devils work I agree.

I only had one, and paid £6 each for three children whose parents had replied and then they never turned up.

I was fuming Tis a lot of money to be wasted when you havent a lot to begin with!

We've had the parties here since and people do bring siblings..but these are neighbours (ds birthday is in school holidays). So they know that siblings are invited, and the mums stay with us. So we can all grumble about the little ones . These are mums and children I know well though, very big difference.

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