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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed with this woman

121 replies

saltire · 11/01/2008 17:20

Having a small party for DS2, 5 friends invited, plus DS1 and 2. One of the boys invited turns up with his brother (same age as Ds1) and says "mymum says I ahve to stay here and wait for my brother, then take him home". When i said the party was for Ds2 and his friends he said "Yes but she's a single parent". I don't see what that has to do with it
So now have 1 extra child in teh house, ahve got no extra food, no extra party bags (iknow I know) stuff for him and am really Pi$$ed off with this parent for doing this

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 11/01/2008 18:24

I did. I just dont see what relevance it has, as a party is not in lieu of childcare.

QuintessentialShadow · 11/01/2008 18:26

niceglasses, that makes sense then. If you are AT the party, you of course will have to bring with you the siblings. I was thinking in terms of older kids who dont need mum at a party.

niceglasses · 11/01/2008 18:27

No, God, I'd rush home with the other two fast as. I've had me fill of kids parties. Its great now I can leave at least the oldest.......

QuintessentialShadow · 11/01/2008 18:29

I know what you mean. My youngest (2 1/2) has a party invitation for sunday, his first actually. Its been a while since I too were present at a home party!

deenymcqueenygoreandguts · 11/01/2008 18:31

in the spirit of showing support to another mother in a one off situation.....can you not just throw the kid a BUTTY.

the op doesnt mention that this mum has ever done this before did she?
Why would any one be so keen to jump on this woman, phone her, tell her how annoyed you are and never invite the family to any thing else ever again?

A bit of kindness, chilling out and taking stock would not be a huge biggy would it?

QueenBhannae · 11/01/2008 18:50

When I do a home party I pre make all the plates up in advance as I cant stand waste so I would not have had a spare plate BUT I would have been able to rustle a bit of something up as I am sure you will have done.

My bug bear would be with the attitude of the 'yes but she's a single parent' wtf?

I have been a single parent and was unaware that this allowed me free rein to palm off my children at the parties of others and god knows what else she thinks is acceptable being a single parent?

I would be worried about them getting home and on that note would ring the parent and ask them to collect both children at the nd of the party.

I hope your ds2 had a nice party

pukkapatch · 11/01/2008 18:52

i agree, the thing that would annoy me is the assumption that because she is a single parent, the world should bend over backwards.
tbh, the extra child wouldnt bother me at all. it wouldhave been polite if the mother had phoned and asked if it was ok. but she didnt and is rude. dont worry aboutthe party bag. he wasnt invited, so doesnt get one.

ByTheSea · 11/01/2008 19:02

She was rude not to ask and I would certainly never do that to anyone but this happens and it's not the child's fault. I've been in this situation, but it's usually divorced dads who have theirs for the weekend who had dropped the extra sibling on me. I always have plenty of food anyway, and since this happened the first time, I always have extra party bags made up. I have also always made it a practice to have some extra sweets to give out at party pickup time, to give to siblings who come along with parents to pick up the children invited. This way, there won't be post-party squabbles in each family. I guess I understand how things go, having four of my own.

Kimi · 11/01/2008 19:12

We have often had brothers and sisters of guest end up staying for the party's, I feel bad when they turn up with the parents to drop of sibling and so I say oh stay, or I invite the brother or sister as well.
Although we have big party's so one or two interlopers don't matter much, I would however be very put out if someone just assumed I was going to be their babysitting service and sent their children round.

kiwi97 · 11/01/2008 19:17

It's totally rude of the parent to assume it's ok to leave her older child without asking first & giving you reasons why her older child needs to stay there. What happened to parents staying & enjoying the party together. It's always nice to have adult company around while the children are having fun & to help out.

clam · 11/01/2008 19:42

I agree it's rude or maybe just thoughtless, but the mum could be assuming he's there in loco parentis. Depends on the age. And I suspect the older child has heard his mum roll out the 'single parent' line a few times to explain why she's pushed for time. If I'm honest I think I'd wimp out at actually saying anything to her, other than along the lines of "I hope your ds1 didn't feel too out of things." But actually, what's the point? Have a glass of wine or two and chill. Life's too short. It's not the kid's fault. And he's probably starving.......... I know of a mum who has 4 kids, and every party for whichever one of hers ends up as open house for the whole village because all the guests have siblings who are friends of her other kids. Chaotic, but rather nice, don't you think.... she says, half way down a bottle of wine?

Elasticwoman · 11/01/2008 20:58

Nobody is suggesting it's the child's fault.
I'm sure the OP is fully capable in dealing with it in the generous and sensible way many people are advocating, but the point is:

is it ok to send an uninvited child to a party?

and in my book the answer is no.

Original poster
saltire · 11/01/2008 21:21

Well ahve finally got back on. Some of you seem to have a low opinion of me. Of course I fed the child, even though he constantly pushed the other children - to the point where one child was in tears and his mum had to come and get him. he ahs broken several toys and was swearing. When i told him DH would walk him home, and then walk his younger brother home after the party, his reply was "but mums not in, she has gone out for a drink with her friends!"
I was posting becasue I was annoyed that the invite had my phone number on but she never even let me know that the invited child was coming let alone the uninvited one.

OP posts:
Elasticwoman · 11/01/2008 21:25

Read my post Saltire; I don't have a low opinion of you.

LittleBella · 11/01/2008 21:41

No I don't think yabu to be annoyed with this woman she sounds like a complete pita.

I'm a single mother, I'm delighted that I can send my kids to parties they haven't been invited to, I wasn't aware of this particular perk (along with all the others we have. ) I shall scour the area every weekend from now on and when I see balloons and a happy birthday sign on any house in the vicinity, I'll deposit my kids and hightail it out of there to the pub.

UniversallyChallenged · 11/01/2008 21:55

Lol LittleBella

At first I just thought, poor kid maybe YABU but after your 2nd post Saltire no YANBU, she is taking people for fools and being blatantly rude

Original poster
saltire · 11/01/2008 22:48

I didn't say everyone had a low opinion of me, just some, or at least thats the impression I got from some of the posts.
The boy was 9 by the way, same age as DS1.
I was shocked by the language that they used, both of them

OP posts:
Oblomov · 11/01/2008 22:48

Niceglasses, I don't understand your post of
17:41 - your dh works long hours and you sometimes work weekends aswell ? O.k. so who normally looks after your children, when this happens - that both your dh and you are working ? And so one child gets invited. But why do all three need to go ? I must be missing something.

niceglasses · 12/01/2008 07:25

Obmov - been thru this further down. All my kids very small - I'm used to having to stay to watch them. Eldest only 7 so he can usually be left now. That was my point. The other two only 4 and 3 so if one of them invited, usually have to stay.

AbbeyA · 12/01/2008 07:53

You don't need to give him a party bag! I would use him, I expect he would be great-smaller children always like an older one helping; rope him in for games.If you treat him as a nuisance he will be one, if you expect him to be a help and treat him in a pleasant manner he will most probably live up to those expectations.

Squirdle · 12/01/2008 08:19

I nearly had this situation next weekend as DS3 has an invite to his little friends party and we weren't sure if DH would be back from the US by then. DS3 is only just 3 and I wouldn't be happy leaving him at a party yet, so I would have had to take DS2 (aged 5) But of course I would have asked the birthday boys mum if she minded me bringing DS2 (which I know she wouldn't and actually DS2 would have loved to go as a few of his old nursery friends will be there, but it's just courteous to ask imo)

As is happens DH will be back so I won't need to take DS2.

I haven't had to do this before (apart from when DS3 was very young) and actually prefer not to as it is DS3's invite. But if I had to I would.

I don't have a problem with siblings coming to DS2 and 3's party, but their birthday is the same day so normally if there are siblings, they would have been invited too iyswim.

I would however have a problem if the parents didn't stay with an uninvited guest and if that uninvited guest were to behave the way this one has. I would also have a big problem with them arriving alone and going home alone. As far as I'm concerned no journey is too short if they have tgo walk home in the dark!

The mother in this case is just being downright rude.

Freckle · 12/01/2008 08:45

A few years ago, DS3 was having his 6th birthday party at a soft play centre. The mother of one of his invitees contacted me to say that her son could come and then asked if his sister could come too. I replied that as it was a public soft play centre there were bound to be others there and obviously she could bring her child and pay for a session to coincide with the party.

She and her dh turned up with both children. They then left, leaving behind both children. I did not know the little girl, she wasn't introduced to me or anyone else and in fact I didn't even know they'd left her until I saw her crying because her brother kept hitting her (he clearly didn't want her there). As you are aware, in these places you pay per child and I hadn't paid for this child as I wasn't expecting to have to. I spoke to the staff and they said that the mother had told them I'd invited the child and she was an official guest!

I was furious because I'd made it clear that she wasn't invited to the party (she was only about 3 years old) but ensured she had food and a party bag at the end.

The same mother tried to get her daughter invited to DS3's next party which was in a sports hall (limited numbers), and I explained that it wasn't possible because we had the maximum number of children already coming. She then said, "Well, what if I pay for her?" I was dumbstruck. She now has 2 more children and I often wonder if she tries to palm all 4 off every time one of them is invited to a party.

BTW, when she abandoned her daughter at the first party, it was apparently so that she and her dh could go and have a nice meal together.

dooley1 · 12/01/2008 08:50

did you have a word with her when she came back?

Freckle · 12/01/2008 09:00

In the chaos of all the parents turning up to collect her children, I didn't actually get to see her and it seemed pointless after that. I just made a mental note to ensure she couldn't do it again.

milliec · 12/01/2008 09:44

Message withdrawn