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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me this is ok

86 replies

Sprat12 · 13/05/2022 12:23

Please tell me this is acceptable.

Baby is 3 weeks old today (ftm). A mix of BF and bottle fed. I had a traumatic labour and really rocky recovery, have had bad postpartum anxiety and insomnia so I'm having a whale of a time right now.

I can't help but kick the feeling that I should be doing more. Currently sat on the sofa while kiddo naps in the Moses basket next to me. DH has just gone out for snacks and I have cancelled a friend popping over later as we had a rotten night sleep wise and I'm just wiped. DS fed for hours last night and then was really refluxy and colicky last night, through to about 4am.

I feel terribly guilty that I should be out walking, or meeting mum friends or doing something worthwhile with my day, but Jesus, I just cannot be bloody arsed.

Went for a walk yesterday with DS and DH which was supposed to be lovely but I'm still so knackered from labour recovery that we managed a 2km walk and I had to come home as I felt like a shell of a person.

Please someone make me feel better and tell me it's completely normal to want to just slob at home while trying to keep this baby fed and happy?!

OP posts:
Lasana · 13/05/2022 14:15

It's the time to do what you feel like doing, not what you think you should be doing. Just take it one day at a time and only do what you feel like.

FlibbertyGibbitt · 13/05/2022 14:27

Big job having a baby ! When they sleep so do you. Congratulations, and as others say , in a flash they’ll have grown up so look after yourself too

Wetblanket78 · 13/05/2022 14:28

I was the same with my first baby. What annoyed me most was people calling round unexpectedly to see baby. When I had my second child I had no choice to go out. He needed taking and picking up from preschool and we went to a few toddler groups who were keen to meet the new addition. Son diagnosed with autism two weeks after second child birth. I started the early bird early intervention program a few weeks later and got to meet other parents/carer's in my position. Baby came with me as I was BF.

squirrelnutkins1 · 13/05/2022 14:41

I was literally thinking earlier I wish I'd had more 'nothing' days than I did with dd. I felt I needed to be out and about and I do regret it a bit. Enjoy the snuggles and snacks!

picklemewalnuts · 13/05/2022 14:45

Save going out to see people for when you can't stand to be in any longer! When your house is a tip, you've been alone with no one to talk to but the baby for days and his stories are getting repetitive, and your desperate for a cuppa in a clean mug that someone else has made....

That's when to drag a comb through your hair, put on a slightly less stained shirt, and go out.

Flowers
Whybot · 13/05/2022 14:46

Congratulations .
and I’d gently add if relevant please don’t feel you ought to do be giving your partner any sexual activity you don’t want to do, even if they ask nicely. After caesarians the guidelines are no sex for 6 weeks, so after a traumatic birth it’s probably longer.
Rest when your baby’s asleep.
xx

pigsDOfly · 13/05/2022 14:50

Congratulations OP.

You're doing fine.

Just do exactly what you feel up to and spend your time taking care of yourself and your baby.

When baby sleeps take the opportunity to rest, and sleep, if that's what you want to do.

There is no 'ought' in this situation. You've just given birth. Your body needs to heal and you need to get to know your new baby.

Don't let any body tell you otherwise.

Kikospeedo · 13/05/2022 14:50

You’re doing great! I’m 5 weeks in and have been sitting on sofa with snacks and water feeding and cuddling. Enjoy it and don’t let any guilt of what you were doing before baby get to you!

CockSpadget · 13/05/2022 14:50

Absolutely acceptable! What's not acceptable is giving yourself a hard time for doing exactly what your body needs! You're recovering from a major physical and emotional event, whilst also being sleep deprived and adapting to a whole new life, of course you're bloody knackered! Get the snacks, lock the doors and hunker down just the 3 of you. Congratulations and enjoy your new baby.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 13/05/2022 14:59

You are doing great!
you chill and take as much rest as you need. 🎉❤️

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/05/2022 15:01

I think you're doing well! At that stage my husband would come home from work and I'd be a crying mess because I'd somehow not managed to even have a shower, or pop out for a 15 minute walk. I was hobbling round from an episiotomy and severe anaemia. The only place I went out for the first 6 weeks was the breastfeeding clinic.

I massively struggled with feeling like u hadn't 'achieved' anything. I was used to ticking a load of stuff off every working day and finishing to do lists and feeling generally busy, it was such a shock to not actually be able to describe a single thing that I had done that day other than feed the baby.

It lasts such a short time though. For my second I really relished this feeling of doing nothing as I knew it would be the last time for years and years

Beetlewings · 13/05/2022 15:05

think of all the work that is going on on the inside of you. Let the outside rest!

Derbee · 13/05/2022 15:07

The Golden Month should be spent at home, snuggling with your baby and bonding. No need for anything else, unless you REALLY want to

RB68 · 13/05/2022 15:35

Always good to send DH for a walk so you can get a nap or a shower ON YOUR OWN believe me you need to do this to maintain sanity. Catch up on some tv watching or music listening. Watch a film in the evening if baby feeding alot and just sit and be, eat popcorn drink plenty and get some snoozes in. Def handover a bit to DH when you can though especially while he is around and not yet back to work etc - those days are long

LittleOwl153 · 13/05/2022 15:40

3 weeks old.... nah sunggle up at home is exactly the right thing. You could all do with some fresh air each day - but by that I mean shuffling into the garden for a change of scene! 2km walks whilst your body is recovering from a major trauma - nah give that a rest.

If DH needs the walk and you can see a pattern to baby's feeding shove baby in the pram and send him off for 30mins whilst you get a shower/sleep/eat hot food... do not be too hard on yourself - you'll get there when your ready!

Chaoslatte · 13/05/2022 15:47

100 years ago you would still have been in your confinement and not expected to get out of bed! You need time to recover and relax. Your baby needs cuddles more than long walks.

ChristmasFluff · 13/05/2022 16:19

I remember when my baby was 3 weeks old, and I hadn't left the house. The midwife was telling me I needed to get 'out and about'. Baby didn't sleep for more than an hour at a time, so neither did I, and I had 3 episiotomies that had me in agony still.

I smiled, nodded, then flicked the Vs at the closed door as she left. I suggest you do the same to that part of you that is telling you to feel guilty.

N0RKS · 13/05/2022 19:37

Another voice to add to the MN Aunties’ chorus.

Your ONLY responsibilities are to heal and care for your baby. It is difficult nowadays because we live in such a driven society, that when you are resting, you feel as if you are being ‘lazy’.

YOU ARE NOT

This quiet, gentle, scary, reflective time is for you to adjust, mend and process all that has happened.

Notimeforaname · 13/05/2022 19:41

Lounge, sit, lay, eat, sleep, recover!!

SelfPortraitWithFoxInSmokingJacket · 13/05/2022 20:08

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Take your time, relax, look after yourself and if you and the baby are both OK YOU ARE DOING BRILLIANTLY.

I had my DD just before lockdown and while I'm not exactly glad the pandemic happened (!) there was a bit of me that was relieved that I was literally forbidden to do all the social things I might have tried to do otherwise. Having a newborn is a whole new life - you'll get back the other stuff, make the most of your little bubble while you can. And congratulations!

Babyboomtastic · 13/05/2022 20:09

Its fine to slob out and chill at home and its also fine to go out and do things.

BUT as a bit of a veteran of the no sleep club (3&4yo that don't sleep through), I have never regretted pushing myself to go out when exhausted. I have regretted cancelling on friends for that reason.

Personally, I find it easier to keep going when out and about, whereas sitting on the sofa but not being able to rest is torture (more so when they are older, nap less in the day, require more chasing and still sleep as badly as a newborn).

It sometimes takes every ounce of forcing myself to get out after having 3 hours broken sleep, but the days that I do, I do feel better for it.

But there are days that I just CBA and stay home. But I feel more sluggish afterwards.

I'd try both ways and see what suits you more (not in the moment but after a few days).

Justkeepon · 13/05/2022 20:14

Enjoy every moment of it OP, when my babies were 3 weeks my days were spent in pyjamas, cuddling newborn, Reading book after book on my kindle and just enjoying every second! It's such a precious time in life and trust me you will have PLENTY of busy days ahead of you! Recover with your precious bundle, go easy on yourself, no expectations, no comparing yourself and just enjoy your slow days on the sofa in pjs with endless tea 😊😊

Babyboomtastic · 13/05/2022 20:14

Btw, I'm not saying to push yourself to go out when recovering, and it really days, I just mean more generally in the sleep deprived years ahead that sometimes ploughing through can be helpful for you.

If there's ever a time to do what your instincts tell you though, it's now. And if this tell you to stay home, then do.

Staynow · 13/05/2022 20:17

You definitely should be doing something IMO, that is trying to catch up on a bit of sleep if you can while LO naps.